Wednesday, December 12, 2007

It's been a while

I haven't written not because i have felt guilty but because i have been in a funk. I wont bother to spell check this so sorry. For the last two days i have been trying to do my diest and have suceeded to loose a few pounds i did however have a cheese burger and a small fri from mcd's. Also a cigarette today i call it the stresses of being married though i think i balanced it out with the amount of calories eaten today so its ok. I have been tired and stressed out. My father in law will be here for christmas next week :-( I spent the last of my money on christmas shopping. I've been busy at work and like i said in a funk. I have made it to the gym more often which is great I just thought i'd give you all a little update now I'm off to bed. If i don't write again before christmas I hope everyone has a very happy holiday season!!

Sunday, November 25, 2007

Hi so this is what i did this weekend

I have been in such an odd mood. I had a F the world kinda attitude on Saturday morning where I have been listening to Nickelback Rockstar I don't know why I just Love that song. Thanksgiving wasn't so bad I controlled myself I didn't even put on a pound so I'm Please with that. I met with my physio therapist last week about my knee she wants me to do 3 days of cardio for 20 minutes no more and no less. Because of my fybromyalgia consistency is important for me. She said I can do my boxing if i Don't push myself. I went to the gym twice yesterday and today for my 20min each of cardio. I did some weights too and starting to feel achy it's not even 9 and I think I'm going to call it a night. I had a comment from someone who said that me trying to loose 40 pounds in two months is crazy. I would like to say I agree it is crazy but it's necessary. I want to move to Canada and this is my option because i slacked off I knew I would have a medical but this is all the time I left myself and I will be damned if I don't loose that weight!! So I'm proud of me for going to the gym I have been fairly good I have denied myself cake twice I have had a few small treats but have limited myself and will continue to do so. Well I hope everyone had a good holiday now I need to prepare myself for Christmas it's right around the corner!!

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

40 POUNDS IN TWO MONTHS

OK THIS IS GOING TO SOUND CRAZY BUT I HAVE TO LOOSE ABOUT 40 POUNDS IN TWO MONTHS. WE FOUND OUT FOR IMMIGRATION THERE IS A WEIGHT LIMIT ANT ITS 252 POUNDS. SO HERE I GO I BETTER START GETTING MY CRAP TOGETHER OTHERWISE MY HUSBAND WILL BE GOING TO CANADA WITHOUT ME AND I WILL BE STUCK HERE. ITS DEPRESSING BUT I'M GOING TO DO IT NO MATTER HOW I DO IT IT WILL BE DONE!!!!! GOD SAVE ME!!!

Monday, November 19, 2007

Exercising

So you all know I was/am doing the south beach diet. I am finding it hard to go back and do no carbs (i mean bread pasta and rice the good tasting ones). Thanksgiving is this week I am determined not to pig out seeing as I am the one cooking I should be able to control some aspects of that. So you can see I posted a new weight. I was sick as noted in a previous blog and was told by the doctors to eat some carbs like bread and rice to help with the stomach problem. Since I fell off the wagon lol I haven't started again. Though I have been controlling the portions and to some extent what I eat. For example last week i bought a bar of kit kats it comes with four sticks i ate 2 of the sticks. Do you know how many calories are in one bar?? Something like 200+. I decided it wasn't worth eating 4 to have up to 800 calories on something that wasn't going to make me full i could eat like 15plates of vegetables for that amount lol. I also went to the coffee shop and got this chocolate twist pastry thing and i gave half of it to my friend (who knew i could share food?) and I got a little treat of shortbread and what are those hard things that look like cookies called again. Well the point is I only had one of each and that was on Saturday and I still have the whole pack left. Since stopping the diet like 3weeks ago I have still maintained a 5pound weight loss. Though I have gained 5 back that's expected. I will be doing the two weeks again and I pray for my stomach not to be sick again.

This weekend I went to a cardio kick boxing class. I did it very low impact and found myself unable to breath. I was so embarrassed that i couldn't do everything they were they were jumping over benches and doing loads of steps. But at the end I had a few people come up to me and say good job. Maybe it's better to see a fat person at the gym then any where else. At least they know I am trying. My shirt kept rising up too and i kept trying to pull it down to cover the fat roll. Needless to say If I can get my ass out of bed next Saturday morning I will go again. Oh and I am still aching. It hurts to sit, walk,stand, move my arms!! The motto from the US Marines is 'Pain is Weakness Leaving the Body' That's what i tell myself. I sweat like crazy too. Now just to loose some more. My father in law is coming for Christmas and I know he already thinks badly of me because I'm fat so I have to loose weight because last time he saw me i was 30 pounds lighter then I am now. I would also like to be able to wear some nice stuff especially the clothes I already have but my weight outgrew. I expect everyone else to post honest blogs during the Holidays so I don't feel all left alone. I will post again later this week. Bye

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Ok

So I was going to start back on the diet yesterday but realised we had no healthy food in the house. Seeing as I don't drive I have made a list for him to go to the store today to get some healthy stuff. I am going to do two weeks of Phase 1 of Sb Diet again because I'm a pig and ate a whole cheesecake this weekend and feel guilty for it. I'm sure I put back on some of the weight. After eating what at the time looked like appealing cheese cake. My stomach hurt I felt bloated and well I threw up. I didn't eat the whole thing at one time obviously. Toast doesn't have the same appeal as it once had I still Love bread but it's not the same. I have done better at monitoring my intake and not over eating things which is an Improvement. I feel Like I'm loosing some of my readers I haven't gotten very many comments. Thanks to you guys who do comment though. Yesterday I but a pair of Jeans from Lane Bryant They were the baby phat ones the looked so good so I got them and I got them in a size 20 at the moment that is wish full thinking. However when i can fit into them I will put up a picture. We are going out for dinner tonight. Tomorrow I start again. I have to loose that weight for the medical exam for Canada. No more games, It's serious for my health and for my life. I didn't make it to the gym. My physical therapy on my knee starts Monday so hopefully that will help. I think I am getting a cold you know when of those chest colds ugh!!! Well I hope everyone is doing well. Be strong during thanksgiving!! Have a Happy Holiday to all my American Readers. I'm trying to decide if i should make a chicken for thanksgiving seeing as I'm celebrating it in England!!

Saturday, November 10, 2007

I feel like Crap

UGH I hate having a permanent illness. I feel like crap. I have done absolutly nothing today. I have no excuse for eating fattening food like potatoe augratton or cheese cake before you know it I will just put on the 10 pounds I lost plus some. I havent even eaten proper meals today just snacking because I'm to achy to stand in front of the stove and stir. I do realise when I am doing the diet that I am not actualy on a no carb diet it is the low carb diet. I just hope I can get my butt to do the last week of phase two on the south beach diet. I fail because I have no will power!!! I am telling myself I will start again tomorrow. Now this is really sad but I am off to bed even though it's not even 5pm yet. It's time for some sleep!!!

Friday, November 9, 2007

Update

OK so here we go. I have been struggling to do the second week of my no carb diet other then bran flakes i haven't had any bread as of yet but it's still morning. I go in occasionally and get weighed at the nurses because i take xenical to aid in weight loss. So I have had a total of 10 pound weight loss. I'm now at around 290 to 292. Added to that i tried on a pair of size 26 pants and low and behold they FIT still a bit tight around that roll of fat at the bottom of my stomach but before i couldn't even get them on. I was wearing a size 30 pants the largest size I have ever worn. I'm still not proud of my size 26 but its a hell of a lot better than a 30!

I had one really great day this week I got weighed and lost 10 pounds then I found out my paper work from the FBI came back so I can now start our Immigration process to Canada. Then I got promoted at work YEAH! So I can now earn a bit extra for that house we are buying in Canada.
I did have a low last night one of my fish died I had 7 and now I have five but one more of them is sick and I expect he will pass today. I know they are only fish but still. I had just bought 3 of the four that died I expect the original 3 were bulling the little fish. Anyway here is another attempt with no carbs for a week. Can we hope for another excellent 10 pound weight drop. GOD PLEASE!!! Maybe I will get my butt down to the gym this weekend we will SEE.

Saturday, November 3, 2007

Day 13

So I went to the gym today and did 20 minutes and I pushed my self.

*I weighed myself and since day 1 there has been a loss between 5 and 6 pounds YEAH!

I haven't got back on the diet yet it should be tomorrow. Seeing as my tummy is starting to feel better. Any way I'm proud of myself. I had a dentist apt yesterday it was a killer they cleaned under my gums by my sore tooth and I believe they removed a little bit of the gum as well. Painful added to that I was walking towards the taxi home and I fell in front of everyone and further hurt myself three people rushed over to help me then I ended up standing on the guys foot and almost falling again. Jeez I was mortally Embarrassed 294 pounds falls hard. Well thats all my latest news I thought you all might want to hear its certainly a start!

Thursday, November 1, 2007

Day 11

I have been sick I haven't done the diet since early Sunday. It was recommend by a doctor to have some carbs during this illness. I don't want to go into details because it will just gross you out lol. Still feeling a bit rubbish. Hopefully i will be better in a few days and continue where I left off at day 7. How is everyone else doing?

Sunday, October 28, 2007

Day 7

I'm going to make this quick cause I'm off to bed. I had a few slices of Carrot cake and some roasted potatoes at my friends for dinner oh and bran flakes for breakfast. I don't feel to guilty since I have been so good this week. Back to work tomorrow I mean with the diet and actual work. I still think I'm doing better then normal so I don't feel to bad. Still lost weigh and will continue to try. Well goodnight and have a good week. I will probably post mid week to keep you all updated. Night Liz

*(

Saturday, October 27, 2007

Day six

I managed to be good for the most part. It's Saturday and that was the real test. For breakfast I had two poached eggs and some baked beans (are baked beans allowed)? For lunch I had black bean soup. For dinner I had some chicken raw green pepper and cucumber with houmous (is houmous allowed)? And I know I broke the rules here but I had 1 chocolate chip cookie and 3 glasses of wine Eek! I am feeling the effects of the wine a bit tipsy to be honest. I hope none of you are disappointed. As long as I can limit myself I am OK. Tomorrow I was invited to someones house for dinner so I am bringing carrot cake I know I will have a small piece of cake but I still have lost weight. I didn't manage to make it to the gym but did do a tad bit of walking. Well I hope I can be strong tomorrow and not succumb to carbs. Goodnight and have a good weekend. BE STRONG!

Friday, October 26, 2007

Day 5 Continued

I made it through day 5 with success! I struggled a bit at dinner time when I got hungry. If it wasn't for my husband supporting me and giving me strength I would have caved by now. So I just want to say Thanks to him for helping me get through this struggle of no Carbs for 2weeks. It sounds silly I know but it's hard. 9 days left to go :-)

Day 5

Wahoo I have made it to day 5 with very little cheating. All the cheats have been liquid so i think it's OK. Like orange juice a glass of win a bottle of beer or coffee no wine and beer on the same day lol. I got all upset last night because i was feeling tired and i wanted carbs. My husband cuddled me and said i was doing good. I weighed myself on my home scale and it said i lost over a few pounds. I will weigh myself at the gym if I can convince myself to go this weekend because it's more reliable. Hopefully it says the same thing (or it will tell me i lost more). I asked my husband if he really though my face looked a bit thinner he said 'what do you want', 'I said the truth' he said 'no' I said 'why did you lie' and he said 'to make you feel better'. It did make me feel better lol. I still don't feel lousy like i did Monday or Tuesday. But I feel like i have less energy my body feels like it aches after a couple of minutes (probably part of the fybromyalgia). What can you do. I will let you all know when i weigh myself properly what it said. Hope for me -k-

I hope I can stick to it. I don't want to be fat the rest of my life. It limits me to what i can do. I'm 22 and I feel like I'm stuck in the body of an 80 yr old. I cant run which is a dream of mine i would like to know what it feels like without running out of breath. I want to do some sports which I cant do now. When I have kids I want to be able to chase after them. If I didn't loose the weight and i got pregnant I will end up getting fatter and the baby and I would be at a greater health risk. Plus I want to be cute and pregnant. I am vain enough to let myself be thin for a couple of years before having kids that way I can enjoy it Just in case I cant Loose all of the baby weight. Really what my secret dream is to have a slim but well toned body. Id love to have a picture of me in boy shorts with only my hair covering my chest, standing side ways. I think I need to loose the full 175 first. I will get there!!! My first Goal is to get back to 227 pounds so i can wear those jeans you see in that picture of me when I'm thinner!!! A girl can hope cant she.

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Day 3

Sorry I missed Day 2 but i was so tired. I went onto the computer and then completely forgot what i was doing. Happens a lot lol. So I was still good yesterday again other then my coffee and 1 glass of wine. I have managed to stick pretty much to it. Today was meant to be prawn day and mushroom omelette's. I don't eat mushrooms so I made scrambled egg with low fat cheese and green onions. For lunch I decided against prawns (shrimp), I saw in the recipe book a lunch wrap with sandwich meat and then i saw one for chicken salad so I decided to make a chicken wrap i figure that's OK and i put extra light mayonnaise.

I was accused this afternoon of eating ice cream by my husband because he saw a cup that looked like it had chocolate in it. It was my ricotta cheese dessert. He was pleased with me. I asked if i looked any thinner thinking I wouldn't and he said your face looks thinner. That's great i was actually thinking that too but i thought it's too soon for any results. My body is trying to adjust I have some spots on my forehead and yesterday my cheeks were bright read. I don' t feel as bad as I did Mon and Tue. I'm still exhausted but for the most part that's normal. My head isn't as achy which is great. My stomach still feels a bit funny though kinda like a weight is in there it feels heavy (I don't mean my fat). Lets see what day 4 has in store for me. I will be so proud of myself If i manage to make it the full 14days. I have been wanting things cereal toast sweets. However it's not as bad as it was yesterday. Things are looking up.

Monday, October 22, 2007

Diet I mean Permanent Life Change Day 1

So today is the first day of the SB diet for me. I was OK until about 2pm when the withdrawals started. I NEED BREAD! I had a headache the kind that absolutely makes your whole head ache down to your neck. But I have made it with only two little cheats I had a cup of coffee at work and I think It had two teaspoons of Sugar and semi skimmed milk (I'm not sure though I didn't make it) and i had a half a glass of white whine which in all honesty I might make a full glass. I had my fish it was a smoked salmon i managed to eat a little over half of my small piece but couldn't manage another bite I was starting to fell nauseated with the thought of it. Well done to me. I pre prepared my lunch for tm and by bacon for breakfast well turkey bacon! I haven't added everything to my diet i haven't had any of the olive oil dressings like it says i just can be asked to make them.

I got a comment from a Donna Miller. Who are you? I'm not doing the Dr Phil one I'm doing South Beach. As for the bit where it says Get Real I am completely Realistic about the fact what I eat makes me fat and isn't contributing to my weight loss (obviously). I only took a small bit offence to it but other wise I'm fine. I can take constructive criticism the sweetie part made it seem less harsh.

Thank you to everyone who has been commenting It does make me feel better to have all of the support. Lets see how day 2 goes of SB lets just hope in 2 weeks time i have something to show for it. Tomorrow I have a tuna Salad Yum (NOT) but I have to say I haven't had any of the snacks in between and I haven't had serious hunger pangs So all in all its OK. I walked to work which I usually do so about a 12min walk and I managed to walk home which I havent done since before I was on Crutches in July. It was pain full on my knee but i only have to do it every couple of weeks now when my husband is at work. At least it saves me £3 each way lol I feel bad that the taxi drivers had to drive me such a short distance. Well That's all for today 1 down 13 days to go until I can have carbs again no white bread :-( tho.

Sunday, October 21, 2007

The Dreaded Gym

I went to the gym today and did 20min of cardio and a little bit of weights. I managed to do more of the cross trainer then normal (it's very similar to the elliptical machine) I did 13 minutes today before my legs felt like fire. And sad i know but i did 7 minuets of the cycling machine. We then went to the little cafe there and again people were looking at me. Maybe i should get a new gym kit that covers every inch of me. It just angers me. I also saw someone who i normally speak to at the gym but haven't seen because i haven't been there in ages. I told him i gained some weight and was trying to loose it. He said he could tell I gained a bit of weight. He said it kindly but no one wants to hear that. It is Obvious in every part of me you look at.

At the little cafe i noticed my husband looking at this girl. I said hey do it a little less obviously. He said he cant help if she's pretty. I said she's not that pretty she has chunky thighs (by the way I'm Bi)I also thought she was wearing too much make-up but kept that to myself. He said "What she's gorgeous". I said when I loose all my weight you better tell me that. I don't blame him for looking hell i notice hot men. We were watching rugby last night and I said hey can't you get some thighs like that yum. My husband is very slender he has a runners body and probably doesn't weigh more than 140 pounds at the most (bastard lol j/k).

I went to the store today to pick up stuff for the SB diet it looked gross but I'm hoping it isn't all that bad maybe it will give me some variety. I am tired of eating chicken and mashed potatoes all the time. So I will eat the last bit of white bread that i will be able to have for a long time and enjoy my last night of being fat. From here on out we will have a RESULT I PROMISE IT!
I'm tired of being fat. 1yr of suffering or a life time of stares snickering fat clothes and breathless walks up hills and stairs!

Thanks to all of you have commented it makes me feel a whole lot better. It just feels like i will never be able to do it and a year seems like such a long time. I know it will go by quick it always does. The end result will be worth it.

Saturday, October 20, 2007

The South Beach Diet

So my day has been OK I had my usual breakfast which consists of a bowl of cereal, two slices of toast with flora (butter substitute) and a glass of orange juice. Then for lunch I had some chicken nuggets 7 to be exact, a packet of leek cheese and ham pasta and sauce, a whole baguette with flora, and two glasses of sparkling wine. For dinner we went out I got fajitas (they don't do justice to actual fajitas this is England). It came with a salad no dressing some tortilla chips and guacamole (not very many tortilla chips). I had a glass of water and a vodka and coke.

As recommended to me by http://exfatgirl.blogspot.com/ who is also doing the south beach diet and has had fantastic results I might add. I thought I'd give it a go. So i picked up the books and have had a quick read through so far It doesn't sound like it will kill me (maybe for the first two weeks eek no bread)! I have never had veg in the morning and other than bacon and maybe sausage I have never had meet in the morning either. It will definitely be interesting it would be great if i had a good result for the first two weeks. I need to read the book a bit more and pick up some stuff at the store. I am not looking forward to the fish part of it as I hate hate hate seafood.

My husband and I went out to eat today with some people we don't really know. We parked at the bottom of a small hill lucky me! I started walking ahead of everyone else because I know I'm slow and they would catch up with me eventually also I knew i would be out of breath and didn't want to embarrass myself. I was still a little ways ahead so when I got to the top of the hill I stopped so they wouldn't think i was being rude. After the restaurant yet again I have to walk up a small hill I guess my husband would call it a slope as it isn't very steep. I had to have him go slower as the incline was killing my knee and ankle and also I couldn't breath. I had a tightness in my chest and a very bad burning sensation. Does that happen to anyone else the burning sensation? My husband says "It's sad you can't even walk up that little hill". By that point i was irked to say the least. I said 'not only do I have an injured ankle but I'm caring 300 pounds you try it'. Obviously this made way for a retort "well if you didn't weigh 300 pounds" and then i of course said 'well if I didn't get married I wouldn't have gained the weight'. Lol I know it's not really his fault he didn't put the food in my mouth I did. He knows I'm trying to loose the weight. So I kindly ask if he can encourage me next time and say "GOOD JOB LIZ YOU MADE IT UP THE HILL". Seeing as I did make it up the damn hill. I do my best to avoid hills at all costs.

Then when we got to the restaurant i had to make my husband switch chairs with me as I had the one with arms on it. I needed a chair without arms so ...
1. I don't get stuck
2. So I'm not Uncomfortable
3. So my fat doesn't spill out of the bars of the chair
4. So people can't see that their is no room left in the chair

The only bad part of sitting in an Open chair is that you can see my ass spills over the side. At least I can still manage to sit in chairs and not break them. That's something right. Don't even get me started on airplane seats. I could barley close the buckle when i was 30 pounds lighter i can just imagine now i would need a seat belt extension. Also those damn little trays don't fold all the way down my stomach is in the way. I'm constantly being hit by the person with the cart, Because i have to sit in the isle so my body doesn't hit everyone when i try and get out of the seat to use the toilet.

OK that's enough for tonight. I'm going to go eat my two biscuits and drink the rest of my bottle of wine and call it a day. Tomorrow is a New Day where I will attempt to begin not a diet but a life change (so my mother says). Goodnight and Don't dream of food!

Friday, October 19, 2007

TGIF AND I DONT MEAN THE RESTAURANT

Well it's Friday thankfully. I feel worn out this week it doesn't help that I'm obsessed with reading. I stayed up past midnight several times to read this week. Again my back is killing me and i have an hour and a half left at work. So for lunch i originally brought boiled rice seeing as i didn't have enough change to buy anything from the sandwich van that stops by work. Also i was too tired to make anything this morning so i ended up with the left over rice from last nights dinner. It wasn't brilliant to say the least. I scrounged up enough change to get some chips (crisps to those in the UK) and a banana so i have to say rice a banana and chips is one of the more interesting meals i have had and definitely not my favorite. I also have a sore throat lucky me lets hope it goes away before i get sick.

I'm craving sweets boy would i love a cheesecake or some chocolate chip cookies right now. I also would love a Cosmo god i love those things. I think we are starting to see why I'm fat. I wonder what I'm having for dinner. Do you ever cook your meal and start planning exactly what your going to have for your other meals before you even need to? I do all the time it makes me crazy. I hate arguing with people over food and it embarrasses me. Do you constantly think people are staring at you WHICH THEY USUALLY ARE ITS RUDE; DO I STARE AT YOU BECAUSE I THINK YOUR CALVES OR FAT OR YOU HAVE A CROOKED NOSE OR THAT HORRIBLE FAKE TAN YOU WEAR WE CAN TELL YOU LOOK ORANGE! Any way I'll stop with the tangent. It's like last weekend I'm wearing my gym clothes because believe it or not i went to the gym only for 16 minuets though, i know it's pathetic but my knee is killing me and i just didn't feel up for it. So I'm wearing my gym clothes and i go into a coffee shop to get something and some guy is staring at me. I was gonna shout hey buddy do you mind! Granted I was in line for a brownie and a hot chocolate, but he certainly didn't know that. I know you can see my roll of fat which here in England is referred to as an apron. Don't they realise insults and staring make you feel worse and drive you to want comfort. Comfort in which you can only find in food.

I often find myself sad and wanting to eat to make me feel better unconsciously obviously (well most of the time anyway). So I stuff myself until I'm sick literally. I believe that is called binging and purging. I will admit it I am a fat person with an eating disorder. I over indulge and I comfort eat I also Occasionally Binge and Purge.

I keep thinking when I loose all the weight if i don't look the way I want to what will I do? Cosmetically I mean. I'd like an ass lift, a breast lift well possibly implants. I know i want lipo they say that the fat cells only shrink they don't go away and I want them permanently removed! I keep picking out other flaws too i don't like the skin on my face should i get a facial peel? My nose droops just a little should i have that snipped a bit. Lets face it If your pretty and intelligent you will get every where in life. If your fat and smart all people see is the outside not the woman within. They see a fat slob. Well guess what I'm only occasionally a slob just like everyone else (except those people with OCD who have to clean constantly).

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Me at my heaviest

This was my 22nd B-day as I look at this picture I feel depressed. For my 23 B-day I would love to at least be back where I was 227. God I'd love to say I'd like to be in a bikini but i think that goal isn't very sensible.

Me at my thinnest




All about Me

I'm 22 i have been fat since i was 9 years old. Who's to blame for that I really dont know? My lowest weight as an adult was 227 pounds and for being a bigger woman i looked damn good. Due to a series of events in my life I became a bit depressed; and like many turn to food for comfort (obviously not on purpous). At 5'4.5 I now weigh 300 pounds they say a women doesnt like to reveal her weight. Well duh we dont. However I am, I want to write this blog to show people my life. Life as a fat person dont take offence to how i phrase things. I'm blunt i get straight to the point usualy causing insult to injury (again not on purpose).



I was recently diagnosed with an illness called fybromyalgia. I suffer from the following symoptoms:

*Headaches

*IBS

*Cold like symptoms no cold

*Skin sensitivity

*Sleeping Problems

*Joint pain

*Depression



I never want to do anything I'm always in pain god my back is killing me. I cant lie down for too long i cant sit for too long i cant stand for too long. Walking for an extended period of time is pain full on my back legs feet and my energy level drops. When I tell people I love the gym they probably think I'm nuts. I love to exercises I just don't have the energy. I like to think I eat a lot better then other larger people do. In some ways I do I hate fried food the oil and the smell. I used to eat fast food all the time. Now the only fast food i get is Chinese. The problem I have is my eyes are bigger then my stomach. Since I'm being honest I could probably eat a small plate and be satisfied for a few hours. I have a problem where i regurgitate food ( I know gross)! If ate small portions I believe this wouldn't happen. My problem is I have no self control. My weight is putting a bit of a strain on my marriage. My Husband loves me, but hes a healthy thin man In his early 20's and he is physically active he loves sports, which I am unable to participate. When we are intimate i have to have the lights off i don't want him to see me. In fact i don't want to see me it's a turn off to myself lol :-) i know it sounds stupid.

I have seriously considered a gastric band. Someone in my family was over weight and they had a gastric bypass unfortunately with serious complications fortunately they made it through and lost over 100 pnds. and looks fabulous. The reason i haven't really tried before is i guess i just don't see it. I don't see how fat I am, in my head I'm a small person. It's like the movie "Shallow Hal" I pick up my under ware and I'm like F**K those are gigantic what the hell happened. Denial happened! When I get In my crazy mode i wish i could chop it all off (obviously not an option). I constantly worry will my skin go back will my breasts sag. Coco Butter for the stretch marks I'm fortunate enough not to have deeply embedded stretch marks but i have them all over my stomach back arms and i have deep ones in my shoulders that look like someone to a knife to me.

Since I have gained even more weight I have lost all interest in my appearance. I shower every other day washing my hair and the rest of me. I cant be asked to blow dry it or straighten it so it usually ends up looking like a disaster. I would love to be one of those people who wake up every morning do their hair and make up have a sensible breakfast make my lunch for work and head off. Instead I get up put my clothes on brush my hair or if its not to bad just tie it up well either way its tied up. have breakfast go lay back down until i have to leave.

I'm unhappy and people think 'PUT THE FOOD DOWN' I wish it was that simple. My husband hides junk food from me or tries to give me a smaller portion and sometimes I just cry. It's pathetic to cry over food. I look at me and think half the crap I have eaten could have fed a several people in Africa. Does anyone else feel the way I do? Anyhow today my diet has been sensible. Though it has a lot of room for improvement. My goal is to get myself exercising some more.

Weight loss goals:
Get back to 227 and then proceed to lower my weight.
i would like to loose 2 stone by DEC which is around 30 pounds. Lets see what I can do. I am currently taking a tablet called xenical which will help me with that it is a prescription with nasty side effects. 2 words to consider when taking them if you don't follow their advice Adult Diapers!