Wednesday, October 19, 2011


Where to start...

I joined the gym, I'm working out at Talisman. Feels so good to be back in the gym. I always forget what a difference it makes with the fybromyalgia. I'd tell u how much I weigh but I'm ashamed. Not like it was a wasted effort, losing all the weight. It's still a setback I should've lost weight not gained weight. I can get back to where I was realistically by xmas. Same place I was last year. I wanna start doing thai chi again. I love it.

I'm trying to get out more. Meet different kinds of people. My girls have me going out one night on the weekend. They never keep me out more then 3hrs cause they know I'll be wiped out. It's been nice to dance, for sure. It's like one of my favorite things. Tho I think i need to learn something new, ass shaking can only get you so far. I'm like the glue that keeps my friends together. It's funny how the dynamics of all of my friendships have changed over the years. I'm glad it did tho, I love my friends.  We finally, finally hit up the Alley, guess what... they loved it. All that bitching for nothing.

One of my friends had me go on a blind date with them. Some dude she met online but was too intimidated by his hotness to go by herself. You know me, I can talk to anyone. So she tells the dude my "boyfriend" broke up with me. As I predicted he tried to cancel but she told him no, cause obviously me coming was the purpose. Buddy bashed me the whole date for being there. Fortunately I'm a good sport. I was like, dude u owe me. It was actually pretty entertaining.

I grabbed a coffee with my ex husband about a week and a half ago to catch up. He's getting remarried next summer. I'm really happy for him. Congrats guys. I wish you the best. Gods honest truth he seemed genuinly happy and thats all I ever wanted for him. We both knew we werent right for eachother and had everything not happened the way it had he might never have found the one he was really meant to be with and I might not have ever had my two best friends who are now family to me.

My love life... fuck me

So much shit happened with Ben I don't even know where to begin. It turned out to be pretty fucked up to be honest. All I'm going to say is that it hurts to think about him or talk to him. He's been texting me but I haven't responded. I figure if he really cares, which he doesn't.. he knows where I live. I have to learn to let go at some point. It's pointless caring about people who don't care about themselves or me. I felt like he was letting me in, he actually cried in front of me. It's too fucking complicated. It's so hard not to talk to him but it's pointless. He's probably just bored.

Everyone is testing my willpower this week. I quit Ben and he keeps texting me, I quit smoking again and I tell my gf and she's like fuck that ur coming for a smoke. Then I leave the gym and my other friend goes to Timmies and gave me shit for not getting anything. Dudes... I'm trying not to falter and it's so hard with all these temptations... I just gotta make it a week and then it'll be smooth sailing.

I'll find someone eventually. Why was Tim the most normal one? That's what I'm looking for. That's probably why he left, cause he was sane lol. I creep his pof. He's a cutie, no washboard stomach but it doesn't bother me. He's got big muscular arms. I could've cuddled with that guy all day long. It's been a year this month... yah I think it's pretty clear I'll never see him again lmao. At least he values my opinion even if he doesn't talk back.

My therapist is trying to break down the wall I put up. Parts of my past are starting to creep into my present. Things I buried away and never talk about with anyone. Here's the problem, I don't remember a lot of my childhood and I don't associate things with past issues until I dream about it and I connect the dots. Also I still don't want to talk about it.. with anyone.. which is why I haven't.

 A lot of weird situations have come up lately... like life is testing me to see if I'll make the same mistakes twice... fuck that!

I'm getting a St Jude pendant, patron st of lost causes. I think that suits me. My second cousin is sending it to me cause she's awesome. Plus I'm pretty sure they're Catholic.

I need some excitement... dear god please send someone new into my life who is spontaneous, trust worthy, sane, and happy, if it's a romantic interest add attractive and affectionate. Amen.