Saturday, December 11, 2010

Too close to home

You wanna know what my life is like? Go see the movie Love and other drugs. It depicts how my relationships work based off my health. I cried.

Here's what my life is like ... I work 15hrs a week to bring in around $700 that covers rent, bus pass (barely) and the little bit of food I can afford. I can't afford my medication. That's how broke I am. I'm trying to get help with that. When my family asks how I am it's hard to tell them with a smile on my face that I'm getting by. I try and stay positive so they don't worry. I called my mom balling in November. I think it scared her a little bit. I don't really cry these days. Last winter my family was really there for me. I was battling with depression because of the new illness and it was my first holiday season alone, divorced and without my family. I went from my 2g a month salary to this. It's a little hard to handle.

I like to think I'll get better. The reality is there is no cure to fybromyalgia and the face pain is spreading to the other side of my head. Right now I just spend my time trying to live. I made a decision that even though my life may be limited I still want to live it to the best of my abilities. My memory is getting worse. I have to document everything and keep everything in the same spot otherwise I'll loose things. I get very upset and frustrated when I lose things. My friends are constantly here for my bouts of depression. The days where I cant get out of bed they come over to just talk to me and lay with me. They've admitted it's hard to see me in that much pain.

Some days I can't even hold my hair brush. I have to keep my hair up in a bun cause I can't brush it. You know why I burnt my stomach the other day? Because my wrist gave out on me. My hand shook and I spilt water all down the front of me. I almost cried. Not from the pain, I was ashamed that I couldn't hold my goddamn cup of water. After the movie I told Brenda one of the reasons my ex gave me for not wanting to be together.. He didn't want a wife who was sick. The reason he wanted to see me the other weekend is because he wanted to say sorry for not being there for me when I was in the hospital. He didn't want a wife who was sick, so he didn't come to the hospital with me. The first time he came to visit me. I had to go back again and again and he didn't come. I could go into more detail about our fucked up relationship but I wont. I appreciated the apology from him and his girlfriend.

If I don't scare a guy with the idea of having someone to cuddle and spend the night with.. I scare them off with being sick. Can you imagine what it's like for me to have to tell someone I'm seeing that I'm sick? I decided that I'm not going to let anyone stick around long enough to hurt me. If I sleep with someone I'll kick them out after, or get dressed and leave. There wont be any falling in love for this chick. I am not getting my heart broken when I tell them I'm sick. I'm not investing in that much emotion. This isn't an easy decision to make, it actually makes me want to cry. If I find someone worth keeping around well then they'll just have to figure out how to break through my barrier. This is pretty much what that movie is about with some crazy humor. I wouldn't mind having Anne Hathaway's sex life in that movie tho. That's what I'm talking about.

Sometimes I feel like I'm going to be alone forever.

I am glad I got the chance to tell Brad over the phone everything. I'm very grateful that he called. That was very mature of him. Took him long enough lol.

Thank god for the scene card I forgot I had. Free movies, YAY! I'm seriously going to buy it when It comes out. It does help that I'm not the only one going through this. I go through a lot of the emotions she goes through in this movie.

My posts will not be as frequent as of this week. I wont have a comp or internet at home anymore. Laptop broken (on roommates who's moving) and Internet can't afford. I'm really hoping my new roommate has a video game console random I know but I could do with some mindless entertainment.

I think Sun is going to be a day of sleep. Sounds good to me.