Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Happy 25th Birthday Carrie

Just another blow to my heart. Dunno if there's anything left to break now.

I'm not gunna lie. I'm pissed that your life was stolen. Its not ok that you didn't even make it to 25. I wish this day hadn't come around so soon after you passed. I guess doing it all at once is like ripping the bandaid off, eh? Get all the pain over with right away?  I was able to cry for like a minute, I think that's progress. I haven't cried since Sunday, when I was telling Troy about you. We're trying to be here for each other. Ash and I are going to see Dev today to give him the pictures from your trip, and just to spend time together. Ash and I had dinner with Dust on Sunday and spent a few hours at your house. He told us some stories about his life. He's done so much. I feel like I haven't lived enough. He's right though, life is to short to be scared to die. Have fun, you only live once. He let us see his guns. Now I wanna fire the semi automatic, lol. I wish I could afford to get that tattoo. I'da done it today in your memory.

I have your backpack for school. From Carrie. I start in less then a week. I'm so scared that I wont be able to do it. I'm trying not to think about it. I just know I wont be happy with myself if I'm not getting really good grades. I really do worry about my memory. I got two out of three missing pair of earings. My makeup bag made it all the way to your moms in Manitoba and back again. How crazy is that? I'm glad that we get to see Dustin, it makes me feel so much better having him around. I hope he always stays a part of our life.

Do you think god was manifested to motivate people to live their life right? So you don't fear death as long as you were a good person? We're born to die, it's the inevitable. Is there even a purpose to life? I don't know what I believe, I try and hold on to faith; that there's more to life then this. I told Ash I talk to Carrie. I still call her voicemail to hear her voice. I wish I could record it and keep it forever.

I've been in so much pain. If I thought I was rundown it's even more so now after this weekend. My face and skull pain is so bad today it's retarded. Didn't actually fall asleep till 6am on Sunday. Troy showed up randomly Saturday afternoon with his best friend and his best friends girlfriend. They left around 5pm Sunday night. We still didn't sleep together. It's been 9 months. He said something like I could be having his baby right now.. umm...ok. We did get in an argument, he was pissing me off. When he's not making me mad he's good company. That boy is quicksand for sure. He may be able to protect me but I'd never have the life I want with him. I'm actually still kinda pissed about how my new years went down. So much for drama free. Pft.

Troys best friend and his girlfriend came back over Sun chilled and crashed on my couch. OMG he was telling me how his gf was so fucked up this one time he caught her trying to smoke a tampon, lmao one of those little ob ones, I was like "At least she wasn't trying to light the applicator." He's like "I wouldn't put it past her she started to use her hairbrush to brush her teeth. I was like what the fuck are you doing" Oh man, that was hilarious. I'm not gunna lie, I tried to leave the house with leg warmers on my arms and call them arm socks once. It was pretty epic. I didn't have a coat lol.

At least I know I'm cool lol.

One of my best friends who's been staying on my couch, she got a place across the street from me so we can see each other all the time. She was living hella days away last time and we never got to see anyone. She's looking forward to me being able to give her a hand with groceries and stuff since she has a fractured foot. It'll be nice to have her close by. She lived too far away before, it woulda taken all my energy just to travel to see her.

I decided I'm going to take on the 25+ group for my volunteering. Saturdays from 6:30-8:30pm. Not like I date anyway. Friday nights are reserved for Niki... at least I'll always have plans right? I'm looking forward to it.

Haven't heard from Tim... gay... I do not.. understand.. men. I wonder if he ever thinks about me. Probably not eh. Woulda rather he was here on New Years then Troy lol.

I'm still not talking to anyone new, I do read my messages on pof tho. Strokes my ego lol.

I need to get back into the gym, gotta get ready for softball in the summer. Gotta quit smoking. I smoked so freaking much this weekend. Its gross. I gotta stop fuckin talking about it and actually do it. Why do I have such a mental block. I've lacked motivation all year. I'm not satisfied with my appearance right now or my fitness level.

Let the busyness begin. This week is the start of my new life. You don't have to run away to reinvent yourself.