Thursday, November 24, 2011

U of C

Ok, I am so excited to start school. I'm also nervous. I keep thinking, what if I invest all of this money and I cant hack it. What if I wont be able to work full time? Or in the field. I really want to work in the field and travel. Obviously not thinking about what if I had a family when getting into field work. I figure I shouldn't factor that into my career choice, cause who the hell knows if it'll ever happen. What if the career I'm choosing is the wrong one? I keep thinking, once I get started I may not actually have room for someone in my life. School/ Dr's apts/ gym/ medical classes/ friends/ r&r so I don't get sicker.

I've decided who the hell cares. I cant spend my life doing nothing. I hate having nothing to look forward to. The days are so long. Life is boring and I'm wasting precious days I'll never see again.

Tim, looks like he toned up. Nice pecs bud. So I've rated my guys and Tim for sure takes the number 1 spot. 2 is Troy... After2 I cant decide who gets what lol. Tim is 1 cause he's good in bed, good personality, super hot. Plus I think about him the most I think.

I'm about to talk about embarrassing sex stuff so stop reading if u don't want to hear.

I wish I had the opportunity to give Tim a better blow job. Dont laugh at me. I'm not gunna lie, I never really did them before so when I tried I felt like I was doing a shit job and didn't want to do it. Also 69 really distracting. Hard to concentrate on getting you off when all I want to do is enjoy the pleasure. I have now perfected my blowjobs lol. Ok I didn't perfect it, It's not like I went around giving free blow jobs. I also don't give head to all the guys I'm seeing. Only if they're special. I just decided to speak up with someone I was seeing. "Dude, I think I suck at blow jobs, and I don't want to do a bad job and look dumber then I already do." Turned out when I put my mind to it I'm awesome.

Most embarrassing sexual moment... prepare to be slightly grossed out... you know how I have a bad memory right? So i sit to go pee after sex and the tampon box was right in front of me... Oh shit, did I have a tampon in? He would have noticed right? That would explains why it was painful, I just thought I needed more lube... He laughed so hard. How did he not notice? My friends thought it was hilarious. I got some jokes for sure. It's like sliding a hot dog down the hallway. Fuck you guys ok. I know I feel good. Every guy, guaranteed has said how good I feel. I'm in the bathroom trying to see if it's all up in there. Turns out it was. They were like wish we could help and laughed.  I seriously thought I was going to have to go to the hospital to get it removed.  Thank god I got it eventually. I'm a fucking retard.

Troy... bah. It was great to see him. I know that it's pure lust every time I see him. I also know he's not meant to be mine. I didnt sleep with him last time and honestly I dont know If I would again. I'll take some of his cuddles tho for sure.

Got my 6mo STI results back... all clear. I dont make a habit of having unsafe sex. Troy was the last one and it was 6mo's ago. Oh and when I tell you how many guys I've slept with or that I'm not into my male roommate... Trust me, I'm not every other girl. I don't play the field. I don't fuck guy after guy. I turn down hot guys all the time. Oh and I just hate living with chicks. I always want to punch them for being retarded and jacking my shit. I much rather chill, play video games and drink and burn one then paint nails, play fashion show (they really do it, and I hate when the force me to play) and go shopping. Go slip ur heels on while I put on my sk8r shoes... I look cool and I'm comfortable. I wont lie, I have a couple pairs of heels that I whip out when I wanna dress up jeans or wear a dress. Doesn't happen often. Put on a suit and I'll put on a dress. How bout that.

The world is so fucked up. Sometimes it all feels like a bad dream. I dont seem to realize how shitty it is till I'm baked and analyzing life.

Ben is in Jail... probably better off for him and everyone else if he stays there. At the same time I feel bad. I had nothing to do with any of it to be honest. He also has a drug problem, hard to be around that and stay clean. I avoid being around that cause when i'm drunk there's no willpower. I just want to party hard.

I hit on the telus guy fixing my internet cause he was cute, we exchanged numbers and fb... 3am rolls around and buddy tries to hit me up for a booty call. FOR FUCKS SAKES! Of course I shot him down, I was pissed. Wake my ass up at 3am when I don't know you. Ass hole.

After Tim everyone else was pretty dumb. With ridiculous drama in their life. Raising my standards again for sure. Tired of all the losers around. Same with shitty friends. I know I get obsessive over guys and it doesn't appear that I have the ability to cut people out of my life... when I've emotionally detached I'm done. I told Ben to leave me the fuck alone. He didn't. I now understand why I might be perceived as a creepy psycho. Cause I was acting like it for sure before. I grow this un healthy attachment to some guys. I actually feel bad at the same time I still think they're a holes. I've learned, I don't get attached if I don't sleep with them. So, don't sleep with them.

Now that I have guy friends I understand what they want. It helps for sure. Act cool and they always come back. They lose interest when I show I like them. Guess my personality changes. I go from being this cool chick to this needy bitch. That's not me. I do what I want when I want and I sure as hell don't need you.

Dear god, please help me .... with everything... I need direction.

All I keep thinking about is how much I need a vacation and how I'm terrible with budgeting money. I should take a class or something. This is what happens when you were raised by a shopaholic impulse buyer. I really need to go somewhere tropical. I'm hoping I can find a part time job. So I can save to go away for a few weeks next summer. So much I want and so little funds. Car, breast lift, Vacation, Uni.

I have a new cat, her name is Toby. She was Bens.. long story. Completely opposite of Cali.

I really hope my student loan is approved. I just applied for a cc too. I just want to get the ball rolling on my life. Between living in several countries, getting married, getting divorced, getting sick... my life has been at a standstill minus all the drama.

I don't know why I take the weight of the world on my shoulders. If I cut out the drama (men and shitty friends), my life  is pretty simple. I was thinking that, how I like living a simple life. How I'm most content being in nature. Meditation.

I hope I can get involved in some student activities, make new friends, get new hobbies.

Time to start a new path...