Monday, April 23, 2012

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Monday, April 9, 2012

The countdown begins

This is the last week of school then there's finals and I'm done. The next week and a half determines whether or not I apply for my under grad. The question is, what am I going to do all summer. Gym is a definite. I do miss it. Plus I'm self conscious as fuck and that tells me I need to go. I feel like people are laughing at me when they aren't. When I buy junk food at the store, I feel guilty and don't want people to see. I wear my jacket everywhere. I just feel gross. I'm trying to make more of an effort to cook. The next time I get paid, Kirstyn and I are going to try cooking new things. I need variety and she needs to learn to cook period. I'm totally getting a bbq this year, even if it's charcoal.

I need friends to go camping with, I've been here nearly 4yrs and I haven't been camping once. It's lame. I have a swimsuit coming. So stoked! Dunno if I mentioned this before, I got an increase with my aish payments which will help a lot. I'll finally be able to stay on top of things and not worry. I'm really trying hard to save. I need a cushion to fall back on just in case. Plus I'm trying to go on vacation and I want a car, amongst other things.

I've been hanging out with a lot of friends lately. Krista, Jen, Renee, Niki, Kirstyn, Bobbi, Brenda, Dave. It's been nice hanging with some of my other friends. Dave is awesome. Seriously one of the best platonic male  friend I have ever had. He's a really good man. I had showed him a pic of some of the guys I've dated, the last time he was here. I was telling him how I still haven't been seeing anyone. He started making fun of Ben cause he has a picture with a gun down his pants. Then he was telling me how that type of man wont take care of me, and provide me with a good life. He actually gives me awesome lectures lol. We got talking about how I get attached once I sleep with someone. Which is how I end up liking these losers, cause I slept with them. Him and his girlfriend got a place so I went over there and finally got to meet his girlfriend. I bought some booze, seeing how Dave pays for everything when I'm with him. I know I drank more then the both of them lol, I was feelin pretty good. Dave and I usually end up spending the whole day together. So I came over at lunch, his gf made some burgers. We tend to have random conversations about all kinds of things. We didn't put the tv on till later in the evening. He ordered Chinese and watched Transformers three. I liked his girlfriend. She's really nice. She's an interior decorator, she had some chairs that she had reupholstered and they looked awesome.

I had Easter dinner with my best friends parents, then Luke invited me for dinner at his parents. I heard their cooking is the bomb. It totally was, I was so full. Ham dinner at one, Turkey at the other. I think that was the best I'd eaten in a long time. I really need to learn how to cook more shit. Ben's been harassing me. I lost count of how many times he's tried to contact me. He called me the other day, obviously I hung up. Then he text me. "Can u plz pick up? Its nothing bad!" Then "stop being a child." So I had a number later in the day that's not programmed in my phone. Tho, most of the numbers he's called me from are in my phone as Ben fuck face piece of shit LOL! Anyway, so I ask my friend if she wants to take the call. So she answers it, "hello?" Him "Elli" she's like "who's this?" He said "who is this?!" She said "I think you have the wrong number" he was like "No, I think I don't." "She hung up. Then he called again. Meanwhile, I'm at Easter dinner. My friends Dad was like, "Just answer it." She was like "Trust me, she should not take this call!"

Here's my problem. I really cared about him. I hate him for the shit I let him do to me. I hate him for fucking my ex friend. I hate him for being a complete dick. I hate him for taking advantage of people, using people, and praying on people who have low self esteem. I have a back bone now u douche! You made it clear that u'll choose anyone but me to really be there for you. Seeing as ur calling me, It means you need something. Or just like to torture me. So, if you need someone and you're calling me. Guess I shoulda been first choice, cause I don't have your back. Sry bud. Peace! There's a small part that wants to know what he wants. Whatever he has to say will still make me want to hit him with a bat. So better off not knowing.

I would change my number, but there is a small hope that Tim saved my number and will hit me up one day. Don't know what I'll do if that happens, if it'll ever happen. I really did like him, I was his last choice. He was desperate. I think by the time he left, he knows what kind of girl I am. I hope. Tho I still feel like a hoe bag. What kind of chick shows they'll let someone come in and out of my life when they please. Like I'll just fuck whoever walks back into my life. That isn't the case. I didn't sleep with Troy when he came back, I actually shot him down a few times. Ben was one of my biggest mistakes and I really just want to be left alone. I know Tim read my blog. I must have looked like such a slut talking about the guys I'm seeing. Did he not see that he could come back any time and I'd always choose him over anyone else. Troy even asked if I I'd choose him over all guys and not invite them in. He looked at my expression and was like "I guess it depends on who it is, hey? I said yes. Tim made a comment, pertaining to Troy, not a random coincidence I don't think. The only reason I said Troy would win the fight. If Troy managed to get one good hit in. He wont stop until you are in the ICU. Point is, I attempt to have a relationship with every guy I've seen. I made shitty choices last year, I don't like sleeping around. I went 6mo's between Troy and Ben. I'm almost on 4mo's since Tim. My friend, "how do you go so long without sex?" I get myself off.. doesn't everyone do that?

I'll be honest. I don't orgasm unless I'm doing it myself. It's a mental thing or something I don't know. I think too much. If u kiss me while it's goin on, that distracts me. I think guys think I'm getting off and trust me I don't fake it. They never ask. I just like to make noise, especially when it feels really good. I imagine that's why I need more sex, cause I cant get off lol. My roommate has a chick now. God I hate hearing people fuck, it makes me jealous, and it's gross.

I'm tired. Physically and mentally drained. Trying to remember things for school is causing me to forget simple things pertaining to my every day life. I have had no common sense for the last two weeks. I feel like an idiot. I cant even remember how to spell properly. Easy words have become really difficult to spell. It's so embarrassing. I saw The hunger games. Excellent movie. Of course I bought the books. Cracking them as soon as finals are over. Like I could wait for the next movie. Yah right. I got new glasses. My prescription isn't that bad.

It's Tobi's b-day this month. Man she's a little ass hole sometimes. Total angel when she wants to be. She climbed up the cupboard in the hall, was standing on top of the frame of the cupboard. Walked all the way to my door frame. Then she fell. She dangles from things. The back door she'll climb up and sit on the top of the door. Nearly able to get on the roof. If she does it again I'm gunna be pissed. There's a hole in my wall from my door. She dangles from it. She is so small compared to Cali, she'll just jump on Cali's back. You should see her run tho when Cali feels like chasing her. She is helping keep Cali young. She plays with her toys again and gives me cuddles. Tobi licks my face in the middle of the night. She steals food off the counter. When I'm bending over, she'll jump on my back. I attempt to get her off but if she doesn't jump off and I stand up, she'll climb all the way up my back. Hurts like a bitch. On the plus side, she's super cute and cuddly, when she's not being a terror. Cali's bday is next month. 4, I cant believe it.

I'm redecorating my house. My landlord is giving me paint for the hallway, I asked for some for the rest of the inside as I dont like piss colored walls. Wanna get some sconces and a big mirror. Trying to get him to replace the carpet on the stairs. He's also giving me money for gardening. I got nothin better to do.

Anyway, I didn't feel like doing a podcast td. Hope u all had a happy easter.