Tuesday, December 27, 2011

You think you can walk all over me? Think again.

I hate waking up at stupid o'clock in the morning cause I'm in pain. It's frustrating.

See, people mistake me for this sweet innocent girl who they can walk all over, who lacks confidence and self respect. I 'm an observer, I watch people to see how they are and how they treat me, I keep my mouth shut, until I'm ready to call them out and put them in their place. Meanwhile, I relay how this is gunna play out to my friends. My friends are always amazed "Dude that's crazy, how do you always do that? It's like you just know." my response "I told you." I cant predict the future, I can only predict peoples behaviour based off reading them. They think I have no backbone... really I should just cut them off before I even get the chance to read them. I dunno, people interest me. I like figuring them out and making sense of them. Ergo Anthropology.

Fuck me. I knew this would happen. It always does. I stop seeing a guy, I move on... then they all come back at the same time, months, years later. I like to think it's cause I'm amazing and sexy as fuck... jk lol I think it's cause I'm chill. I'm the girl next door. I'm not judgmental, tho sometimes I wish I was.

Anyway Fuck em. A very appropriate quote...

"Good luck trying to find someone who cares like i did, who understands you like i do, who is forgiving like I am, and when you realize there's no one out there like me, I won't be where you left me "

Peace guys.... It's finito.  I've learnt a lot about myself in 2011, I'm not afraid to be alone anymore, I'm afraid to love and get hurt. Is it really better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all? I'll let you know if someone ever loves me back...

Troy showed up yesterday, with his friends... he irritates the fuck out of me and he's so rude. Who asks for you to blow them and fuck them in front of their friends... classy... and I shot him down, in front of his friends. He was like, I haven't had sex in a month, I wanted to be like I haven't had sex in 4days.  Instead I said, sorry to hear that lol.. He's rude and that was degrading. I'm not pussy thanks. He's like I bet you have a lot of guys on the go, no bf's? He's like I wouldnt be surprised, your beautiful, funny and honest. Inside I was thinking damn straight, but I kept my mouth shut. Buddy, I'm not sleeping with you, you're not my boyfriend which makes it none of your business. If I had a boyfriend tho, I'd be more then happy to tell him. He got a phone, he's like now we can talk... I didn't bother asking for his number. I don't care enough. He wanted to see if I still had a room for rent... you met my roommate last time you were here you idiot. Like I'd live with you anyway. Please. He's needy too. He goes through my fridge, says he wants some water. Sits down and asks me to get him some water.... ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Help your fucking self. I'm not your bitch. I don't cater to people. Maybe if I actually liked him I'd be more inclined to dote on him.

Taylor tried calling me on Christmas... I didnt answer... Seriously... call me a self centered bi polar bitch...  and expect me to ever speak to you again... ummm no. He was pissed cause he wanted to hang last week and I said no and he was like no surprise, you always say no and he bitched me out. I was like you know what.. "Fuck you Taylor my friend died last week and you were a prick. Get the fuck over yourself. You're not there for me when I need u. So fuck off." Ergo his response lol. Proud of myself really.

Ben, has been trying to call me all week... from Edmonton Remand Centre... Even on Christmas. Why do you have to make my shitty Christmas any shittier by calling me? I didn't answer. I asked his friend why he was trying to call me. She's like I only talked to him for 3minutes cause after that you have to pay and I'm not paying to talk to him. I laughed. She said he's trying to find someone to go to court on Fri the 30 to push back his court date cause he's in jail in Edmonton and will miss his trial in Calgary... You're a fucking idiot Ben. I'm never going to speak to you again, I told you this. I'm never going to help you again. I'm never going to give.. a flying fuck.. about you ever again. Have fun in jail buddy, you put yourself there, you can get yourself out.

*Tim, you'll be my first choice every time because your worth it.The shitty part is not knowing if I'll hear or see from you again. I want to message him and talk to him, but I'll wait for him to. If he wants to see me again he will. I hope. I know I've said this a thousand times. I know guys and even if they're not your man, they don't want you fucking anyone else. Granted the majority of men have a double standard. How do you guys feel no guilt? Honestly I cant bring myself to be a player, even tho the opportunity always presents itself. I'd be ashamed of myself and I'd feel dirty.

I just want to tell you guys exactly how I felt about seeing Tim again. Who knows if he reads any of this, do my best not to say anything that may scare him off. Paranoia lol. We have sexual chemistry. It's always amazing. Just the way he touches me, so gently, It makes me feel so delicate, so female. I missed that.  I love when he tells me about his drunkin adventures; he really makes me laugh. When I'm not being an awkward spaz, our conversations are really good. He makes me feel safe. Like I can trust him... I hate that feeling. I don't get it often... fuck. Reason to be more cautious, it's just so easy to let my guard down and be me with him.

I feel so dumb and slow. A couple times I forgot what I was saying when I was mid sentence. I was trying to play it off but doing a terrible job. I wish I could tell him why. I don't want him to think I'm stupid. It's so embarrassing not being able to have a normal conversation, form proper sentences, sometimes I make absolutely no sense at all. Then I try and explain myself but I forgot half way through what I was talking about. I was trying to tell him stories but I was having a hard time trying to explain things a few times. I was getting really frustrated and irritated with myself. I hope he didn't see that.

I wish I could tell him everything about me. I wont though. He doesn't need my baggage. He wants casual and fun. Not my complicated life. He doesn't need to be overwhelmed. His hug when he left. He held me so tight. It felt so good, genuine. At the same time it was so hard. I wish he could be there for me through this hard time, it would be so easy for me to let him be that for me. I just wanted to cry. The last thing I need for him to see, is me crying.

I'm strong, I'll get through this on my own. I always do.

I've spent the last couple days crying on and off. It helps that Dustin and I text all the time. At least if I tell him I'm upset or struggling he understands why. It was his girlfriend and I was her best friend. He'll be back New Years Eve. He asked if I wanted to hang with him... I don't know. It goes against tradition lol. Plus I guarantee I will have several people hitting me up in the middle of the night because I'm so close to downtown. If I'm in Airdrie with him, who's gunna answer the door. I dont want them buggin my roommate. Niki said she wanted to come by too. Maybe he could come here. It would be weird tho to have other people randomly showing up. I could just imagine us being two crying messes. Honestly I'd like to get drunk at my house and go on a random adventure, maybe to the park lol, and swing on the swings. Stumble down 17th.

I need a partner in crime already. I need someone who wants to be a dumb drunk retard with me and go on random adventures. My friends are too sensible.... also known as uptight...

I just need someone who I can be a big goof with. I have a couple that have a similar sense of humor as me. Carrie was one, Brenda and Renee. I just need someone to let loose with. Get drunk and have fun without hitting the clubs, since they aren't my thing, at least on a regular basis.

Mara text me on Christmas. I didn't respond. I cant be friends with someone I have absolutely no respect for. I haven't talked to her in weeks. You need to try being a better person and having more respect for yourself Tamara. People don't think very highly of you.

Not a single member of my family called me on Christmas. Fuck you guys man. This is why I live in another country and my friends are my family... You guys are way too self involved.

I try and call my brother and sister because apparently I'm the only one who cares to stay in touch. I swear if my mom died we'd only drift further apart and it wouldn't be for my lack of trying. Tried to call my sister, I got nothing. Called my brother. He's like oh I talked to my family but I forgot all about my other family. We're your real family you fool. Not those people who left you to fend for yourself when you were a kid. Not your blood. I am your family. We're the ones who've always been there for you. I understand you need to feel accepted, because you don't feel good enough if the people who are supposed to love you don't. Story of my life Anthony. I just don't want him to invest time into his biological family if they're just gunna bitch out again. He doesn't need that. He also needs to remember the people who have actually loved him since the day he walked in our front door. Don't you remember me coming up to you when I was 12 asking if you if you'd stay, if you would be my brother? He was living with a different foster family. They went on vacation and didn't take him. Since my mom was a foster parent she did respit. So we had him with us while they were away. He chose not to go back to them, to stay with us. He came on every vacation with us.

My little brother Josh posted on my wall on fb. I tried calling him and Sam (my other lil bro) but they didn't answer. My mom completely forgot, she thought she talked to me already. Normally I call my extended family but I lost my phone book. Plus I cant afford to call them. Funny enough, they NEVER call me. I never expect my real dad to call. After I just got done telling him if he wants me in his life he's going to need to make an effort. He's running out of time, he's getting older and sicker and he just doesn't care enough. I called my other dad (my sisters father) and nothing.

I give up. So my xmas went like this. I had plans with Kirstyns family. Brenda told me how much she'd love to have me at dinner (she likes to pull guilt trips). So I cancelled with Kirstyn even though her family is like my family, to go to Brendas. I woke up xmas morning to a text telling me xmas was cancelled due to a family emergency. I only found out yesterday it was because her dog was sick and couldn't walk up the stairs and they had to take her to the vet... So my xmas started off shitty, added to that I couldn't find a liquor store open so I could drown my sorrows. So of course I was pissed at myself for not pre planning the need to get drunk lol. Fortunately Kirstyns family fit me in, Kirstyn had invited another friend to fill my spot. Her dad and I were making fun of her mom. Her carpentry skills and other things... god we were in stitches.

Xmas was saved by my best friends. I had a great time with the people I've made my family. I've thanked Kirstyns father before for letting me be apart of it. Very good man, I wish I had a father like him. I guess all I can hope for is that my future children have a father like that. Kirstyn and her dad ride their motorcycles together. How awesome is that? He's a 60yr old biker who owns his own trucking company. Her mom acts like this innocent mom lol she used to be a biker too. Now shes like this mom who's very homely, gardens, bakes, decorates the house for all holidays, takes the dog to agility classes. Glasses short hair. I said to her come on I know you have stories, she just laughs.

I love hearing how they got together. It was a complicated mess. They even separated after they got married and she moved to Canada. He was confused, didn't know what he wanted. She waited for him, he came back. I asked why she took him back. She said she always knew he was it. Just took him a while to get there. Her dad was previously married with a daughter. They've been together over 31yrs now. Amazing people, I have a lot of respect for them.

Now to tell you my presents. Kirstyn got me a puma hoodie and some socks lol . We get everything from sportcheck for at least half off which is really nice. Ergo all my sporting stuff. Niki got me 3pairs of pj pants and a lovely card. Lyss (old roommate who i got in a fight with and we talk occasionally) who filled my spot at dinner. She gave me a pair of earrings, and a giant lighter lol. My step dad got me a new charger and battery or my laptop and my mom sent me a bunch of stuff a cpl months ago, including a blood pressure cuff... she's was fucked up on morphine and thought it was a cat toy lmfao. Sometimes my life is very entertaining. As soon as I saw it I burst out laughing and said "Fuckin mom" my friends were here too, and they know her. They talk to her when she's all fucked on pills and cracks them up. Brenda just stopped by, fleece raindeer pj's and a bottle of cosmo. Really impressed Brenda. The right size and my fav alcoholic beverage. I know it's not even lunch time but I wanna crack it to see if it's any good. She did xmas yesterday, so she brought me food and some treats. She's off to Mexico for New Years. So Jealous. I wish I could've gotten people gifts, but I couldn't afford it. They all knew that, I didn't want them getting me anything if I couldn't get them something. They didn't care. They told me it's cause I'm a good friend. Makes me sniffle just a lil.

I got my credit card in time to pay for the deposit for school. OMG  school starts in two weeks. Hurry up loan, I cant afford my books! Then Tim scared me talking about loan repayments. TIM don't freak me out. I already worry that I wont be able to work after I finish school, don't make me think the worst. If I cant work or afford to pay back my loan. I'm serious. It is my goal, to be as healthy as I can be by the time I finish school so I can travel and do what I love. It's not a job if you love it. That's the only thing I have to hold on to, to look forward to. The only thing that keeps me going is the prospect of a normal life. If I don't have that, then I don't have anything and what the hell am I doing here?

I still have to go to the bank to look into setting up an account for donations. I have to pick what group in the organization I'd like to donate my time to. I have to get pictures from the service printed off for Carries mom and send them to her. I still need to put up pictures of her at her crash site, some flowers and a teddy. I need to pick up her ashes before anything happens to her. You should have heard the morbid jokes Ash and I were cracking to try and lighten the mood. Every now and again one of us would tear up. Ash when we were looking at sweaters for her, me when we were looking at shoes for her. Stupid nosey payless woman. If you had stopped asking who the bloody shoes were for (a thousand times), I wouldn't have had to tell you I was putting them on my dead friend and I wouldn't have been choked... u still didn't see me cry. I don't think I've cried in front of anyone really. Niki saw silent tears running down my face as I read the messages from her family telling me what happened. She rubbed my back, it was awkward. We don't do that lol. Sometimes when she's upset she'll put her head in my lap and she'll tell me all about it. We hug.

Oh man, I was so pissed at the memorial. Trying to take pics with a stupid tremor in your hand, they were so blurry. Especially when it's important is very upsetting. Do you know how many pics I had to take to get a few good ones? I had to ask a senior citizen of all people to help me take pictures.... that alone made me want to cry. I lit all of carries candles in my room and wanted to take pics of them. I was starting to cry because I was having such a hard time with my hands. I had to sit down, stack three pillows on top of my lap, support my elbow on the pillows and hold my wrist with the other hand, just to get 1 good picture... see what I mean? Do you understand how upsetting it is to not to be able to do something as simple as take a picture.

I never made it to church. I want to but I make every excuse to avoid going in those front doors. I don't like the memories walking into a church brings me.

I just really want to do something dumb and fun. I need a drunk adventure.... I want to laugh my ass off and have a good story to tell. Who wants to be my partner in crime??? You know u wanna...

See what I mean by the weight of the world  on my shoulders? You don't even know the half of it, this is just  some of the last two weeks, the icing on the cake. Try the last three effin months. Told you I need a vacation lol. Obviously there are some things I cant talk about on here, but would love to tell you guys.

 Sorry I know my posts have been hella long but I feel like I cant really talk to anyone about how I feel.

I hope you all had a merry xmas and I hope you guys dont have such a  fucked up New Year lol. xoxo <3