Thursday, December 23, 2010

-85lbs BABY!!!

I have officially lost 85lbs, all of my marriage baggage is gone just in time for the new year. I officially weigh less then I did when I met my ex in 2004. 15lbs to go!!! HELL FUCKING YEAH!

Dear ex husband, cause I know you're going to read this u creeper lol. Thank you for setting me free. It's the best gift you ever gave me.

In regards to it being the holidays. Doesn't mean much to me, I haven't had a real xmas with my family since 2002.

Big shout out to my sister her bday was yesterday. HAPPY 21 BDAY BABY SIS!!! WISH I COULDA BEEN THERE!! She can now go to the clubs when my friends and I go out. She doesn't really drink tho cause she's epileptic.

Clean Slate for the new year. Every pound I loose this next year is a new number I've never seen b4. I'm leaving the men I've had in my life this year behind. Goodbye Jamie, Brad, Shawn and Tim. Brad and Tim you guys meant a lot. Unfortunatly due to this mistreatment I've had; this good girls gone bad, and I kinda like it. "Once a good girl's gone bad, she's gone forever." Brad and Tim. I'll miss you guys. You'll probably hear from me on you're bdays but that'll be it. Tim, what I wouldn't give for another go ;P can u wear ur toolbelt and hard hat? haha. Anyways peace out guys xoxoxo good luck with everything.

My sister is seeing someone. I'm happy for her. She was so bummed out when I saw her last. Her bestie was moving, she had no man, no job, no school. Just her art. Well she's in school, made new friends, she met a guy in school. He took her out for dinner and a movie for her 21 bday. I'm really happy for her. She's not like me. She doesn't sleep with guys when she likes them. So she'll probably have a more successfull relationship then I manage to have..

My bestie told me I should just look for a guy on pof on intimate encounters. I just can't bring myself to do that. I changed my profile for women back to one for men tho to be honest. I don't have much interest at the moment and I have no sex drive so there u go.

I was so bummed the other day. My friend gave me a present then I saw my bestie and she gave me the best card ever. There were two old ladies on the front cover bantering "do you remember this" "no do u remember this" "No, do u remember..." Then on the inside it had a bunch of dumb quotes we used to make up for facebook when were hanging out and dumb things we did. Heres a few ...

"Walking the yellow brick line" this did happen

Me: "I fell of the ET ride" what really happened
her: "she tripped out and fell off the bench and rolled down the hill" this didn't actually happen. Well I did trip out but I didn't fall off the bench.

"Bush fucking bush, tree" Instructions to our top secret hangout spot

Her: "Elli why did u throw the muffin out the window"
Me: "The muffin was invading my space, it needed to exit the vehicle"

Fuck wish I could remember the rest but of course she told me the whole time she was writing it out she was laughing and everyone asked what she was doing. "Writing a card to my bestie." I read the card and nearly pissed myself. You wanna know what I'm really like? Let's go on an adventure and light one, good times are bound to follow.

Unfortunatly my memory failed me and I left not only my present but my card at the train station. I coulda cried. I was so upset about my stupid fucking memory. I'm hoping lost and found has it even if it's just the card. I don't care. Probably not but lets have faith it's xmas. Both friends know what happened.

Oh my new roommie is so cute. I woke up and he had filled the spice wrack. Then he fixed our ghetto ass shower. It had a hanger holding up the head. You can tell he's a type a personality. Haha we'll see how well that goes. I met his Aussie friend Laura yesterday. She's a cutie.

Xmas plans xmas eve going to Jill and Brandons and doing dinner and secret santa. Xmas day haven't decided but probably get a small bottle get trashed stumble downstairs have xmas dinner then stumble back up stairs back to my little hole and watch movies all day. Anyway time to get crackin. Happy Holidays to my homies.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010


Quick update ... these are some pics i took of me the night of the party. Better ones are to follow. had my physio apt yesterday, almost puked on her table. Nausea awful. Back fucking ridiculous. Saw the social worker. They don't want me taking public transit, I'm too sick for that. They have alternative means that u don't need to know about. They may want me to leave my job in the new year. They think I'm doing too much and aish may not approve me cause I'm working the 15 hrs. So if that's the case bye job. They know I only work just to get by and honestly I'm having a hard time keeping on top of things. My boss pissed me off today, trying to tell me I'm not disabled. REALLY THATS THE ONLY EFFING REASON I WORK 3 HRS A DAY!!! WHAT DO U THINK I'M LAZY?! DO I GIVE OFF THAT IMPRESSION?! I was pissed, and no i don't give off that impression, I work my ass off and she knows it. Which is why i didn't get in trouble for bitching her out last week. She had nothing to say about it. She tried to rub my back later and I asked her not to touch me. I was in serious pain so the lightest touch hurt.

Anyway I had a random day. After work I met up for coffee with my adopted mom from England. She's ex British police and her husband is a cop. So I go to sit down and oh guess who I see? 2 other on duty cops that I know with another one of their cop friends. So had a lovely hr and a half coffee with 2 of my cop buddies a new cop I didn't know, my adopted mom and another one of cop wives friends. It's weird, that life feels like another lifetime ago. I don't really talk to the rest of them on a regular basis. My life is so different then it used to be, I'm not a homemaker anymore, and who really wants to hear about my medical treatment. I don't go into detail with a lot of people.

ok gotta go. Makin lasagna and I feel blah.

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Too close to home

You wanna know what my life is like? Go see the movie Love and other drugs. It depicts how my relationships work based off my health. I cried.

Here's what my life is like ... I work 15hrs a week to bring in around $700 that covers rent, bus pass (barely) and the little bit of food I can afford. I can't afford my medication. That's how broke I am. I'm trying to get help with that. When my family asks how I am it's hard to tell them with a smile on my face that I'm getting by. I try and stay positive so they don't worry. I called my mom balling in November. I think it scared her a little bit. I don't really cry these days. Last winter my family was really there for me. I was battling with depression because of the new illness and it was my first holiday season alone, divorced and without my family. I went from my 2g a month salary to this. It's a little hard to handle.

I like to think I'll get better. The reality is there is no cure to fybromyalgia and the face pain is spreading to the other side of my head. Right now I just spend my time trying to live. I made a decision that even though my life may be limited I still want to live it to the best of my abilities. My memory is getting worse. I have to document everything and keep everything in the same spot otherwise I'll loose things. I get very upset and frustrated when I lose things. My friends are constantly here for my bouts of depression. The days where I cant get out of bed they come over to just talk to me and lay with me. They've admitted it's hard to see me in that much pain.

Some days I can't even hold my hair brush. I have to keep my hair up in a bun cause I can't brush it. You know why I burnt my stomach the other day? Because my wrist gave out on me. My hand shook and I spilt water all down the front of me. I almost cried. Not from the pain, I was ashamed that I couldn't hold my goddamn cup of water. After the movie I told Brenda one of the reasons my ex gave me for not wanting to be together.. He didn't want a wife who was sick. The reason he wanted to see me the other weekend is because he wanted to say sorry for not being there for me when I was in the hospital. He didn't want a wife who was sick, so he didn't come to the hospital with me. The first time he came to visit me. I had to go back again and again and he didn't come. I could go into more detail about our fucked up relationship but I wont. I appreciated the apology from him and his girlfriend.

If I don't scare a guy with the idea of having someone to cuddle and spend the night with.. I scare them off with being sick. Can you imagine what it's like for me to have to tell someone I'm seeing that I'm sick? I decided that I'm not going to let anyone stick around long enough to hurt me. If I sleep with someone I'll kick them out after, or get dressed and leave. There wont be any falling in love for this chick. I am not getting my heart broken when I tell them I'm sick. I'm not investing in that much emotion. This isn't an easy decision to make, it actually makes me want to cry. If I find someone worth keeping around well then they'll just have to figure out how to break through my barrier. This is pretty much what that movie is about with some crazy humor. I wouldn't mind having Anne Hathaway's sex life in that movie tho. That's what I'm talking about.

Sometimes I feel like I'm going to be alone forever.

I am glad I got the chance to tell Brad over the phone everything. I'm very grateful that he called. That was very mature of him. Took him long enough lol.

Thank god for the scene card I forgot I had. Free movies, YAY! I'm seriously going to buy it when It comes out. It does help that I'm not the only one going through this. I go through a lot of the emotions she goes through in this movie.

My posts will not be as frequent as of this week. I wont have a comp or internet at home anymore. Laptop broken (on roommates who's moving) and Internet can't afford. I'm really hoping my new roommate has a video game console random I know but I could do with some mindless entertainment.

I think Sun is going to be a day of sleep. Sounds good to me.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Inspiring Others

Check it out!!! On Goodlife Fitness's website!

Wednesday, December 1, 2010


RIP my friend. "If tears could build a stairway and memories a lane, I'd walk right up to heaven and bring you home again."

He died at the age of 28 leaving behind a little boy. Please pray for his family.

Alcohol abuse, he didn't want to be here anymore and I understand why, it's a cruel world. His life was stolen and he will be missed. He was too young.. it's not fair. I'm glad I had the opportunity to meet him and our bullshitting always made me laugh. I wish I had the chance to get to know him better. I wish I could be there for my mom and his family.

I could use a cuddle and maybe a shoulder.. shaping up to be a rough week.