Sunday, January 8, 2012

24hrs to go!!! Well chuffed!!!

School tomorrow, YAY!

I have to spend today sorting stuff out. Figure out my pen. Everyone thinks its cool shit. Seriously, you have to see this pen.

I have to get to school early tomorrow. I have no idea where my classes are. Can you tell I'm on the ball lol. I need to go to DRS, to get some letters for my teachers. Gotta get my student ID and SPC card. I want a U of C hoodie, just cause I'm proud of me. Tho I might wait to hear about my loan approval before investing in a hoodie lol. Don't wanna get carried away.

Ash stopped by, gave me Carrie's binder from school and dropped off some of her old binders. It's like I was meant to have her school stuff. Niki tries to make me feel better. When something happens that I dont understand she'll say something about Carrie watchin over me. She had asked why I talked to her or everything is Carrie's doing. I told her cause it makes me feel better thinking she's lookin out for me.

I should really look at her ashes eh? Hold on I'm gunna do it now, gotta do it before school starts...

That was hard, I feel slightly more stressed out and anxious. Her ashes arent what I expected them to look like. It's like a light grey powder. I should probably tell you guys I don't have an urn. Don't want you guys to think I'm a weirdo who opens urns to look at ashes. They put her in a baggie inside a little box for me. I'm not ready to do anything with her ashes yet. It makes it more real having to look at her ashes. Fuck, now I have tears. It would be really great If I could have a good cry, instead of two silent tears. I just gotta get it out. Dev's moving to France after he graduates in May, Ash is in her last year of nursing. Dust, he's gunna live out of a hotel and work as much as he can until he's ready to settle again. That was pretty much his life before Carrie. He makes good money. I imagine he'll save, buy more boats, vehicles, a house. He was talking about the Okanogan for buying a house and maybe Costa Rica. I imagine he'll just take life as it comes right now. Dev is planning a trip to Victoria during spring break to plant a tree at the school there for her as long as it's approved. We were invited with him. I'll take that trip, I'll go with him.

God I miss her, all the time something happens or I need her opinion and I think, oh I should call Carrie... and then I remember... she's gone.

So Friday I was supposed to spend some quality time with my best friend. She asked if I minded if her boyfriend came over too. I never mind. Except I know I have to sensor myself around him and that he'll get bored and cut our time short. So I told her he could come if he wasn't gunna rush us. So she calls me and says they're gunna swing by real quick. "Don't worry about it, don't waste your time, I'll see you another day. I told you not to come if he was gunna rush you." Obviously she responded to that.  We both sounded ticked off at eachother. Anyway I text her after and was like, It's not that I dont want to see you I just dont get to spend quality time with you anymore. It seems like you're whole life revolves around him and you aren't taking time to have your own life. I barely see you anymore and the short visits just make me miss you. I start school and I'm not really gunna have time anymore. Obviously we worked it out. We went to the motorcycle show yesterday. Saw some sweet bikes. Makes me want one even more. They had some sweet gear. She wants a new bike. It wasn't anything overly exciting to be honest.

She's been with her man officially for 3months and she has a plan for them. He's a good guy and I like him. It just seems like she's more invested then he is, at this point. She gets bitched at and when she has a problem with something he does, she cant win that argument. That's not how she said it obviously. I just hear the stories and draw my own conclusion. I obviously hear all the good things. I just wonder if all his irritation with her will build up. I just cant see her broken hearted anymore. It hurts me. At least she's brave enough to put herself out there.

My other best friend isn't moving down the street now... She had the deposit and the lady never got back to her. We weren't sure how we felt about her anyway. Not meant to be I guess.

I've been looking for part time jobs on campus. I just need a couple hundred bucks extra a month so I can start saving. I have shit to do this summer!!

I found a Tai Chi studio. $20 membership and a monthly fee however it's reduced based on income and if you're a student. So hopefully I can take the classes for cheap, and it runs for like 4mnths. I think I'm gunna do the Saturday afternoon class. First class is free so I'm gunna bring my friends to see if they'd like it.  I can join the session thats already going on or I can wait till it starts over in Feb. If they don't wanna go its cool. I like having my own hobbies. At least I'll have something to talk about. Granted if they arent interested in volunteering, primates and tai chi. They probably wont want to hear about it.

Oh, so my best friend Vell  (best friends are my closest friends) who lives in Japan. He's my half sisters ex step brother, grew up in Sac area together. Complicated I know. So I tell him what degree I'm going for and he's like "please don't, you'll only be able to get an HR job" I'm like what? Fuck. So first my mom discourages me in '02  cause I want to get a degree in music. Actually she pretty much told me I couldn't and I wont make a career of it. I was 17. Now this. Eff that shit, I'm not taking a desk job. I'm working in the field ok!! I'll figure it out. I'm one of those people who will move at the drop of a pin, if I have no reason to stay. Oh what? I'm hired... peace. Actually I figured if I actually did work in the field then Calgary would probably be my home base. This is all a day dream right now. I find things work out better for me if I don't worry about it. Whatever happens, happens. Who knows, my life could change so vastly in the next 4yrs.

So my best friends dad had colon surgery this week. High risk surgery. So far so good. We're either gunna see him today or tomorrow.

Anyway Kirstyn asked how my mom was doing... So If you know her and read this please don't tell her I said this. She's really sick, she's in depends. She wouldn't want anyone to know. I know she wants to end her suffering and sign the DNR but she's one of my best friends. I don't want to lose her. She's only 46. I hate life sometimes, it can be really cruel.

Why does all this shit happen at once? There I am supposed to go into school with a clear head stress and drama free... Someone said the first 12days of the new year are supposed to tell you how the rest of the year is supposed to go. 4more days to improve how my year will go... oh man. I really need to turn my phone off lol.

Tim... I got nothin. Haven't heard from him... going on week three. I wonder if he's been in town at all. It's hard. Is it sad that I hope he's wondering why I haven't messaged him? Maybe he'll think it's him like, maybe I'm not what she remembered? Maybe I should contact her... I mean I chased him for over a year and now I'm not messaging him at all. I'm dumb.  I mean it's not the case but I'd feel better if he actually had those thoughts lol. I want to talk to him. I just dont want to come off needy or clingy anymore. I know I obsess. It keeps my mind off of my real problems. The idea of not being so lonely and having to do it all on my own. The fact of the matter is he's just not that into me. I shouldn't lie to myself. If you knew all the things that go through my mind. Here's an unrealistic thought. Ok,  so I was thinking what if he reads my blog (cause I gave him my link when he first left) and he has low self esteem right now, from some chick (maybe the one that told him he has a gay face haha jk) so he thought he'd sleep with me so he can read all the shit I say about him to make himself feel better and boost his ego... I know, I may be crazy, at least I'm sane enough to know I'm fucked in the head lol.

I try and act like I don't care but it really does hurt, to know the person you like doesn't really like you back. I miss him and I really wish I had the opportunity to show him just how wonderful I am.

I guess that hug showed he cares about me in some weird way that I'll never understand.

... ... listen

TROY.... grrr!!! Honestly I think I use Troy drama to distract myself from thinking about Tim and to also distract me from the death of my friend, my sick mom, my friends issues, my own issues.

He shows up at 3:30 in the morning banging on the door. My roommate has a go at him so then Troy's arguing back. They got over it. Then Troy takes a call and is fighting with some dude on the phone. He's doing his best to keep his voice down. He looked kinda dumb yelling into the cupboards. I actually mimicked it to my friends and they all laughed. I was like he looked so dumb, it was hilarious. We obviously had a conversation. He was being more affectionate then usual, it was kinda weird. Tho ideally I'd like a man who was like that all the time. I'm still not sleeping with him, just to make that clear. Then he tells me he's gunna run to macs at like 5 in the morning and he'll be right back. Bitch never came back. It's the second time he's done that. Fuck face could just say he was leaving. What was the point of coming to my house? Somewhere warm till you decided what you were doing next? Fuck.

What is he gunna do when he shows up at 3am and there's someone in my bed? I may be home but I'm not always alone Troy. I'm not seeing you so I'm bound to date and see someone else at some point. I date from time to time you know.

He's getting right the fuck bitched out next time he shows up. This is getting retarded. This behavior is not tolerable. I don't even attempt to stay in contact with him. He stops in when he feels like it.
I don't have time for this shit anymore. Here's my schedule, I'll be waking up at 6am. Mon Wed Fri I have class 9-1 then factor in traveling time on transit. Wed Thur I still have sleep and relaxation group for a couple more weeks. Doctors apts on my days off school. Fri is Niki night, Sat is volunteering and possibly tai chi. Then my other free time is friends, studying, recovery time and gym. I'll prob be in bed by 7 every night at the latest. Cause I need twice as much sleep as regular people. Last night I got 11hrs 8 of them were consecutive, which like never happens. Not feeling as run down today. Hands are burning though, I gave Niki a foot massage cause she has a fractured foot. Then she did my shoulder blade cause my shoulder locks up and I get a lot of pain in my chest and abdomen.

hahaha my friend called and I wasn't really paying attention to her. She's like "Are you blogging?" I laughed, I totally was. They know me too well. Damn predictability. I need a car. It actually takes me hours to write these. I read and re read and decide some things need to be deleted cause people don't need that much detail. Plus half of what I say makes no sense.

Brenda told me she feels like everyone is doing something with themselves except her. She's a lot like me health wise and obviously we have similar personality traits. I told her she needs to give herself something to look forward to on a regular basis. I feel lost all the time. Ergo my st Jude necklace.

I feel like I'm not living if I'm not doing something with myself. I just want to feel alive, have a purpose, a reason to keep going. A reason to be...