Tuesday, May 11, 2010

I can do this!

It's been really rough for me. I've been super sick. Sleep sleep sleep sleep. Tried to go to the gym Monday was there 5 min before i felt faint and had to leave. Last week I made it 3 days the week b4 i made it 4. It's made me angry because normally I go 5 days a week. I'm sleeping but not well. I ran out of medicine. I just got a refill. This week is supposed to be my hr and a half at the gym. I want to hit my goal by my birthday. I've just been frustrated because I've been in so much pain and sleeping a lot.

I'm watching Biggest Loser and crying as usual. There is so much pain in being fat. If you haven't been there then you don't know. I've been made fun of and tortured. I look in the mirror and at pictures and I don't see a beautiful person. I've wanted to die. Guys don't want me because they don't think I'm beautiful. My best friend when he came to see me in January he told me he was telling his other best friend that he wanted me to be at my goal weight. Not for vanity purposes but so people could see what a great person I am so they don't judge me for my weight anymore and they just purely see my personality. I didn't know what to say.

People are proud of me. It makes me feel good. My mom ... she saw a new picture of me the other day i was on web cam with her and the comp phone and she called my step dad over because she was so proud of the amount of weight i've lost since she saw me last. This guy I care a lot about. He chose not to see me for a long time. He saw me after four months and he complimented me and it was the best feeling I have ever had. It was so validating. A gf of mine complimented me she hadn't seen me in a long time and then saw me after I lost all of the weight. My best friend sees me on web cam and said he's so proud of me he was going to send me a box of cheezits tho I don't get why you'd send me my favorite junk food when i'm trying to lose weight ... We may need to have a conversation about that. Or if he does I may just need to save them and see how long I can keep them for without eating them lol.

My confidence level is going up which is something. I still have a long way to go and it's disheartening. 100 more pounds ... I can do it. I know I can. The only person who can stop me, is me. When I can work again I'm going to start looking into jobs at the gym. I need to get into something that is going to help me maintain my goal for the rest of my life. I will not fail. I will be healthy for the rest of my life. I have quit smoking.

Honestly I'm scared about what life has in store for me. I'm trying not to stress because where the hell is that going to get me. I have no income. I don't remember to do anything. I was out the other day with my gf's I forgot where I was. Lovely right? Fuck my fucking memory. I lose everything. I have a couple months until my lease is up. I'm not sure what i'm going to do. It would be easier if I had a normal cat unfortunately my cat has issues too. I'm hoping the chronic pain centre gets me in soon they can sort me out and I can start working by fall. Hoping my car sells asap. I hate being in debt. Well i don't have much else to say to be honest just thought i'd type out my feelings. Not particularly angry right now just kinda all emotional and a little lonely. Wishing I had someone special to share my life with. Tho I must remember I have a lot of important people in my life who love me ... I love you guys.