Tuesday, December 13, 2011


My beautiful best friend died yesterday December 12 2011.She was my very first best friend in Canada. She was there when I needed an angel.

I found out via facebook. Her boyfriend posted on her wall. She doesn't have a lot of ppl on her fb. I've messaged some of her family to find out what happen.

She was leaving work, skid on black ice. Had a head on collision and died instantly from the impact.

Her father died last year and her mom's been fighting cancer.

She called me on Thursday, I missed the call. Tried to get back to her, right away. She was in my neighborhood so swung by, saw my lights were off and kept going. I was home. She said, Oh well, next time. Now I'm never going to see her again.

When I first moved here, after my separation from my ex husband. The only friends I had were older ladies, cops wives and their families. So, the loser I am, I posted and ad on craiglsist for friends. I found one. Carrie.

We had dinner and played pool in the NE. Her life almost mirrored mine. Like I was the future she could end up having had she continued the way she was going.

She moved from BC to Calgary to be with her boyfriend. Had no friends here, and their relationship was rocky. I had only met her once and she called me crying because they got in a fight. So I drove from Okotoks to dt Calgary to pick her up and she spent the night at my house. I'd be there to get her whenever they fought.

I took her to get her first sex toys. Me being the sex toy expert and all lol.

She'd come tan with me at crystal shores beach in okotoks. I got her tanning stickers this one time. We would row on the lake. I loved rowing on the lake. We tied our canoes (they kinda look like kayaks but not) together and tried to paddle around. It worked but it was hella funny.

We'd go shoot pool at Schanks down south. My exhusband played with us once. We also had lunch with him and his partner at BP on 17th. They were on duty so I felt kinda cool lol. Carrie didn't like him. She always made me laugh.

She was there for me through my divorce. Summer of '09 she went on a road trip with her ex. Before she left we had a little talk. On accident. I was telling her a question  I asked someone but she thought I was asking her. She said it was hard to hear me talk about guys all the time because she wanted the excitement I had but she was in a crappy relationship. I was newly single, trying to keep busy with dating to push through the hard times.

When she came back, we didn't spend as much time together as we used to. She started nursing school. I got sick.

You know someone will always be your friend when u don't talk to them for months and you just pick up where you left off. That's how we were. Every cpl months we'd get together, have lunch. Grab a coffee, catch eachother up to speed. Whenever we had a guy worth talking about we'd get in touch.

She came with me to get my hood pierced. She was all up in there lol. I was like meh, she's a nurse. She was delivering babies during that time in school and I'm far from shy. She met me at the mall when I was clothes shopping recently, She had an spc card.

The last time I saw her, I didn't exactly have my shit together. She was picking me up to go to the emergency room because I had my period for like 3wks or something stupid. So my doctor said go to the hospital. Anyway when she got to me I was drunk. Ben was feeding me drinks b4. So I had a shower and then we went. I dont exactly remember what happened. I think him and I got into it before he left and I had slammed the door on his face.

That's the last thing she needed to see. Me being a mid day alchi. When she grew up in an alcoholic household.

I had just talked to her not that long ago. She was helping me with stuff to get into school. Cause fuck if I know. My mom took care of my college shit last time and I'm not from here. She said "I am so happy for you and I'm so proud of you. Now I'm crying, I dont know maybe cause I just got my period."

I laughed. Fuck I loved her face.

I've had to deliver the news to a few people. Her other best friend and the exboyfriend she moved out here to be with. They were friends before. So I had to track him down. I tried to find her bf after him and I cant find him. Delivering the news, its hard to do it.. The more they ask, seriously, are you kidding? The harder I cry and I just say unfortunately I wish I was. I can tell them without crying but then you have the questions. How, where, when, was anyone with her,was anyone else hurt. I wasn't sobbing, but I was crying. The sobbing is for when no one else can see me. My other bff wants to be there for me and I just want to push her away.

I cant believe she's gone. I'm going to church here, to pray for her and to cry to god. I'm a fucking mess. The crazy thing was, I knew. I had been thinking about her all the day before. Flipping through her pictures. She was finally happy. She suffered with depression. Life was going so great for her. I have a date and I was like oh, she'd love him. Her bf and him would prob get along great. We could go on a double date. They also met Luke and Kirstyn. I was just so happy at the idea of being able to do that with Carrie. Our first date is scheduled for schanks down south. Has been, since before the accident. I'm still gunna go. Maybe it's a sign. All I know is she's watching over me.

The good die young. I thanked god for making it quick so she didnt suffer. It's all so fresh. Death is the hardest thing to face. I've never lost anyone I was this close with. I mean grandparents yes, but the lived in NY and I only saw them a few times.

My heart is so broken. I feel lost knowing she's not here anymore. I try and push through the pain by blocking it off. I cant anymore. I just have to let myself grieve for her.

She had a rose on her right breast, a dragon fly on her back and the newest tatt, roadrunner and coyote for her father. It said

Never give up, Learn from yesterday,live for today,and hope for tm. I will be getting that tatt'd on me with her Initials C.C.

I will love you till the day I die.