Saturday, February 23, 2008

I haven't had the heart

...To post.

Be warned i may talk about personal issues and womanly things.

So first my weight has gone up and down but by only a few pounds. It's about the same as it always is right now 300. I have felt really down lately and sad. Immigration is taking forever and i just want to get over there. I want to be able to start my new life. I'm so fed up with everything.

I have been having problems with my husband. I love him very much and he is a good man. He is on the brink of leaving me. I have gained over 70 pounds since we first met. I am unable to do any physical activities with him. He doesn't like to walk with me because i walk so slow. I lack the motivation to make myself look pretty on a daily bases so I ware crummy old pj's and keep my hair in a messy bun. No makeup. There are a few reasons not just the weight but i would have to say that's the biggest one. He just doesn't find me attractive any more. I want to be!! Not only for him but for me. I don't want to be in pain any more.

I was walking down the street the other day on my lunch break I looked nice better then i normally do. And some fucking piece of shit shouts out the window "the beach is that way" now it took me a minute but i realised that ass whole was calling me a whale. I felt like shit and then what did i do i ate a whole pack of cookies and extra food i did not need.

I have only once managed to get my ass out of bed at 6:30 and to go to the gym, and that was when i met my trainer provided by the NHS (national health service) he is a specialist who deals with people who have illnesses.

I have to meet him again this week. I guess it's a good thing i don't have his phone number or i probably would cancel. I haven't been able to sleep my doctor said i can up my medicine to two tablets rather than one when i need to. I Went out on a night out a few weeks ago and drank way too much and had a horrible hang over i vowed not to drink again as we all do which only lasted about two weeks and i had a few drinks in between then. But i have had a bottle of wine a couple of nights this week in a row. I don't want to get back in the habit of drinking it makes me feel lethargic my skin gets all pimply and i gain weight. The only benefit is i sleep better well most nights some nights my stomach burns from the acid in the wine damn IBS.

It's funny how we don't control our body's they control us. Well we are like this entity that lives inside i guess that's what we call our soul. I want to take good care of my body. To be honest I'm terrified of losing weight. What if my skin doesn't go back I'm afraid to have surgery and what if i can't afford it. I'm 22 I don't want to be deformed.

In November 2006 i am no longer taking my birth control shots In November 2007 I started getting my period again. I have had it probably about 6 times since Christmas and it's only February. Well at least i know I'm not pregnant right. I want to be able to do more things with my husband. I have a secret dream to be able to run. I love exercising once i get going and I'm not feeling like crap i feel so good. Sometimes my body hurts because i don't move enough how sad is that. I want to win this inner battle but i just feel like I'm loosing. I hate depression.

I don't want to be 30 devorced because my husband left me because i got too fat and weighing 400 pounds. I'm in pain as it is and I need help. I just don't know how to help myself get out of this rut. I know you all hear me bitch and moan and you think for pete's sake do something but i can't get the motivation. I really really wan't it.