Thursday, June 24, 2010

Getting real

So I decided to cut the crap and not hold back and just say what I'm thinking. The last week has been interesting. My bff in Calgary went out of town for the weekend so I was left to my own devices. I actually kept busy and had a great weekend, minus the annoying drunk 18 yr olds who couldn't sort their own rides out. They almost caused me to smoke. I had serious considerations but thought better of it. I met this total cutie at the party. OMG!!! He was stunningly beautiful.

Guy I've crushed on for far too long:
It's the guy I likes bday outing this weekend. He's such an ass hole. I mean really, u know there is no hope when the guy doesn't even want u at his birthday. That's a huge insult. I hope he changes his mind. It's times like this when I think you don't know if you want to see me again. I'm the one who should be saying that. Look how u treat me. I'm not blind. Here are the reasons he may not want to see me.

a. "He's just not that into me"
b. He's just not that into me" but he's keeping me as a reserve. I DON'T PLAY SECOND BEST!!!!
c. He does like me but he's been burned and doesn't want to get hurt.

You know what ur a dumbass. You make me not want to talk to you, because u make me feel like I can't talk to you freely. I don't like having to bite my tongue. My friends don't think your cute. I defend you. Sometimes I wonder if he judges me based off the things mentioned in Chronic pain centre. If he does then he's just not the kind of guy I want to be with anyway.

Yah I know ur all thinking kick him to the curb. Heard it a billion x's. I'm actually numb him being a dick doesn't phase me anymore.

Chronic Pain Centre:
So I had my orientation this week. It was hard. I went by myself. It could take another 3-12 months to see a doctor through them. I will however have access to a full medical staff. I can also start taking the classes before I see the doctor. The lady giving the presentation talked about how their primary goal isn't to find out what's wrong with you it's to teach you how to live with chronic pain. I may never know what causes these headaches and facial pain. They may never have a cure. She was talking about how we will learn acceptance. Learn to deal with the fact we are sick and will be sick for the rest of our lives. I cried. That is not a reality I have wanted to admit. When she said that I made a point of saying other peoples acceptance.

I have lost so much being sick. My ex husband (tho not the only reason it was a reason), my job, had to get roommates, car, two places i've lived in. I think for losing everything, I've learned something other people will never learn. I've learned to be humble. It's not about what you have in life. It's about who you are and what you believe in. I know right now I'm struggling. I don't think it will always be like this. I don't like not being able to live a normal life. I'm faced with the reality that it's a possibility I might not get to have.

I talked to my best friend about other peoples acceptance. He told me he had a hard time accepting I'm sick and still does. He said sometimes he thinks i'm just shitting him. Then he remembers why would I want such a shitty life to pretend to be sick. I was crying as I read what he wrote to me. These are the people who love me. The people who stand by my side.

It makes it so hard to meet someone new with all of my baggage. Divorced at 24, sick, jobless, broke. Them knowing that, it's what they'll judge me on. Not my awesome personality or that i'm getting through my struggles. I also don't really want to share the details of my illness unless I know them better.

It's a lot to deal with, I do have a really hard time sometimes.

Career prospect:
So one of my goals for weight loss is to become a personal trainer. A buddy of mine is hooking me up with a reference at the gym. I'm going to try and get a pt job in CS. Until I am capable of going full time. Then when I am I'll start taking my courses to become a personal trainer. So fingers crossed I get the job and that it works out the way I want and I like it. Working at a gym will be great for keeping myself motivated on my own weight loss goals. God my buddy made me feel so guilty.

The bet:
22 pounds in 5 weeks. If I win I get 2 new pairs of pants ... If I lose, well i just wont let that happen. It hasn't even been discussed what i'd give him. He'd prob make me do something dumb in public lol. GAME ON!!!

I've been in a pretty good mood this week. I have had some funks. I try my best not to get bummed out.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

My New Place

So I have lost all perception of time. I have been staying at my new place for a few nights now. I can't remember when I started staying here lol crap. Not sure. I can't wait to be all unpacked so when I forget where I put something I can see where I put it. Such as my pants. I'm always losing my pants or my shirt lol. I know that's random but I always take them off and never remember where in my house I put them. Since I haven't unpacked in my new place it makes it much harder to find in my room. I almost fb my gf this morning to ask her if she remembered where I took my pants off ln lol. I have this sick room in my house. We call it the green room "we" being the privileged who have been cool enough to chill in the green room. I wont explain too much about my green room cause it's too cool to talk about it has to be seen. It's my relaxation room. I just got some incense nagchampa mmm i love that scent.

I have to get back into my gym routine. The good thing about my new place is it's right around the corner from the chronic pain centre. I'm going to be spending a lot of time there. How random is that. I didn't even know that when I took the place. Fate I guess. Life is good. I'm happy. I'm broke but happy. Trying not to stress. I don't panic too often. I did last week thanks to a few epiphanies i had and a few bubbles that burst. The summer is coming and going so fast. Time just keeps flying by. I'm making new friends fast. If i wasn't broke and sick I'd have more hobbies. You never know tho this pain centre I could make a load of friends who understand what I'm going through. I have pretty much been maintaining my weight up and down a few pounds. I haven't really cooked in over a month or so. I went grocery shopping td. I need to get back into a routine.

Nothing new on the guy front. There is this guy who wants to see me. I'm apprehensive. I don't know what to do, I've been putting him off for weeks now. I had no intention of seeing this guy but I can't wait around for the other guy anymore ... the only person stopping us from being an "us" is him ... so why am I waiting around? Time to move on ... it hurts, and I don't really want to. I can't keep holding on to nothing.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Curve Ball

Life likes to throw curve balls at you. So anyone who knows me or cares about me knows what happened last month and why I'm moving. I found a place. It's unique lol. I think I chose this place because I knew it would be interesting and have character. It's in a great location. I know nothing about downtown and I'm kinda scared about it. I mean seriously with all that I've been through and all that I've seen I'm afraid to live downtown. I think what it is, is that this is the first time I've done something completely 100% on my own. It's freaking me out. It will be a new experience and I think it's just what I need.

I am realizing a lot of things the last couple of weeks. I'm changing a lot, I've changed a lot. In a lot of ways life has made me harder in the last year. It has also made me appreciate the good things in life and the good people that have entered my life. It's also making me realize what kind of person I want to have in my life and how I want to be treated by people. What is and is not acceptable.

I booked my tickets back home. I'm looking forward to it. Seeing my friends. It's prob going to end up being a poor financial choice on my part. However I need to get away from here for a little while. The guy I like came back from Vegas and everything went exactly as I expected it to, he's ridiculous. I never listen to people. This is my problem. I'm fucking stubborn and my heart and head say two different things ... the head is finally starting to win. The heart can only take so much. Whatever. It's time ... it's been almost a year since I started talking to him. Of course I still want him but he says he's busy and what that says to me is your not important enough for me to make time for. I can't be dumb anymore. I look like a fool.