Tuesday, April 2, 2013

Long Time No Blog... written

Hey guys, written format which will be much quicker for you to read then watch. Thanks to those of you who watch me talk about my life for an hour lol. I'll post another video soon enough.


I talked to Taylor before Christmas because he texted me telling me how much he missed me and how I was his best friend. It was Christmas, it got to me. So I finally decided to tell him why I stopped talking to him. He apologized, said he fucked up. Said I was his best friend, practically his girl friend at one point (now he admits it). Still wants me in his life. I said I was sorry, I cant. I wish him the best but I can't deal with it anymore. I do miss Taylor's taco salads. There are so many times I have wanted to text him to ask him how he made that again.  

Christmas I spent with Luke and Kirstyn's family. I love both their families and that they welcome me like I'm family. I spent Easter with Luke's family. Jim and Deb, some of the best chefs in town along with Jean and Kim. Hazel would be the best chef in Okotoks. So on good Friday I was walking down the street and found a rosary. I took it as a sign.

I saw an old friend I hadn't seen in a while. Her husband works with my ex husband and they're friends. I hadn't seen her in at least 3yrs. They stayed friends with my ex and I just felt they weren't interested in staying friends with me. So I disappeared.  We spent 5 hrs talking in the food court of Southcentre Mall. It was good to catch up. I just recently went to visit them at home. Her kids are teenagers now. They've grown up on me, it's crazy. Her daughter reminds me of my little sister at her age.

Right after Christmas, I volunteered for the first time since spring 2012. I chose the 18-25 group for the movie night. OMG I was given the worst person to deal with. My anxiety I swear, just remembering is giving me anxiety. Took 15min to get him from downstairs to inside the theatre. Bad experience. Then the leader accidentally gave my hat to his parents. My hat from England ... -_-

I did get it back.

I now have emergency anti anxiety pills when I cant pull my shit together mentally. 

The MRI for my spine is in May, finally. I cant sleep without my couch cushions supporting my spine. I have this ache that never goes away. Unlike the usual. I had my physical. Slightly high cholesterol. I have to get my iron levels checked because I'm losing more hair then I should be and its panicking me. I asked if it could be from my medication.  She said no. I hope it stops. It seems ok right now.  No HPV yay. It's really common. A lot of girls I know have it, too bad they don't tell their bf's. Use a condom! I thought I should see how much the vaccination is. They did detect a heart murmur. I had one when I was a kid that was supposed to go away. It turns out I have a problem with my heart. Its ok now, I could have an issue later on. The valve that pushes blood out doesn't close so blood drips back into the valve. Please don't let open heart surgery be on the list of future medical problems. I've been in a lot of pain, and fatigued.

Mom goes for surgery next week. Pray for her.

I saw another family I hadn't seen in a while either. Milena was in town from England so I went to see her. I wish I had more time with her. I was tired that day, I felt hella bad for bailing early. I ended up having dinner with all of them. Got to see Chris and Rob, not that I got to spend much time with them either. Saw their mom who I love to bits. Milena will be back in the Summer. Hopefully I'll get to see the boys again before that. They grew up on me too. They're both men now. They're both a pain in the ass lol. Gotta love em tho. 

Oh, guess what Rob decides to say at the table? Chris is saying something about some loser I dated. I needed him to clarify which one lol. Rob says "the coke head you dated." I put my fork down, looked left at his Dad and straight at his mom. Said "thanks for that, I'm  obviously not seeing him now." him "I should hope not." Milena "Don't you just love them?" Oh my god. I. Was. Pissed! Not gunna lie a part of me wanted to get up and walk right out the front door. I was shocked he'd say that in front of his parents. I don't want them to have a poor opinion of me. I don't see them a lot as it is. I already despise myself for my stupidity. When the boys ask me things, I answer them honestly. It bit me in the ass.

New Years, I actually went out. Kirstyn had a house party so I went. It was awesome. Shot after shot after shot. Awesome when your best friend is a bartender. No hangover either, made sure I was hydrated.

Carries Birthday was Jan 3rd. I had signed up to volunteer at another movie event. This one was kids, teens, young adults.  I thought twice after the last experience I had had, plus being a day that I knew I'd be depressed, wasn't sure if it was a good idea. Then I thought you know what, she would really like it if I did that. So I went. I'm so glad I did. We were budgeted for lunch and a movie. So we're at the food court in Chinook and all the kids see the merry go round. They wanted to go but we weren't budgeted for that. I really really wanted to see them all excited. I went and talked to the guys running the merry go round and they let all of us on for free. There were probably about 15 of us. We transferred the kids in wheel chairs to the sleighs and the rest of the kids went on the ride. They all got little necklaces at the end. Me too, I had to have one lol, for keeps sakes, though it smells weird. I wouldn't have noticed except i like to chew on necklaces. Eww I know. Anyway they were really happy and I was even happier. Seriously I had the biggest smile ever.

Nick, this last roommate I had, let me use his car all the time. Only roommate to do that and it was amazing. Though there was an incident on my way home from visiting my friends in Okotoks that night. I took my medication before I left their house because I take them at 8 and I'm asleep by 10. So I was like ok, I'll pop these bad boys at 8 and make it home by 9 and be out like a light by 10. Well I stayed and chatted a little longer then expected. Then I gave one of them a lift, and had to stop for cat food. On the drive home I thought I ran a red light cause I saw a flash. Then I realized I was a little out of it cause I didn't notice if the light was red or green and I got all paranoid. Anyway, I was grounded for like a month to see if a ticket came in. It didn't. Musta just been a head light tripping me out.

I kept thinking I was fucking up his car. I looked at it one day before I was pulling out of a parking lot and it looked like it had been side swiped. I almost had a freaking heart attack. Nope, he did it, hit a post or something. Thought I cracked the bumper, almost had a heart attack. Again not me. I went out to see Carries cross a few times. Talked to the people who live in her house now. They said they don't think the landlord kept the cat. I wanted to cry. Ironically on the day I left the flowers they saw me climbing through the snow to put the flowers there. They asked if I was the girl with the flowers. The flowers were still there when I went back to visit. Frozen. Which I thought was kinda cool. I'm getting my tatt touched up beg of April.

I got to see Darcy a few times. See her daughter, she's so beautiful. Meadow is her name. I love it. She asked me if I could do it over again would I, if I ended up here any way. She meant with my ex. I told her if I could still have seen the places I saw, Ireland, Greece, Portugal, England etc then no, I wouldn't do it again. I don't think I added.. Though all of those experiences made me who I am whether that's a good thing or not I couldn't tell you, and I wouldn't be here in Canada or have the friends I have or the relationships I've had with the men that mattered to me. Also I cant say yes because I don't know what the alternative  would've held for me. Probably would've been worse.

Spent a lot more time with Dave and Katherine. Archery is one of my hobbies. I got into braids and weapons after hunger games. Guns I was always interested in, I always liked archery but after the movie I wanted to start doing it again. This girl made her quiver. She shot this one arrow that broke another arrow. Hit it dead on, everyone was impressed, it wasn't intentional tho lol. I want a hand made leather quiver, eventually my own bow and arrows. I can be Katniss for halloween. Gotta get hot tho. Anyway, Kirstyn and I went for breakfast at Denny's one day, cause we do that sometimes. We ran into Dave and his best friend Alan. We didn't chat long. I went to see Dave and Katherine at their place. I was so drunk, it was awesome. Later on he invited Alan over so I spent a little time talking to him. A week later I get a message from Dave saying Alan killed himself. I felt so bad for Dave. 

One of my best friends back home ( I know, I have a lot of best friends) had tried to kill themselves a couple weeks earlier. When I heard I was like "How can you do that to me! You were going to leave me like that?! Without even a goodbye?!" That person seems to be doing great now and I'm looking forward to seeing them when I go home. The part that bugs me is I wish I had said what I was thinking before, I was gunna wait till I saw them in person to talk to them about it cause it's a really heavy conversation to have over the phone.

So my conversations with Dave are interesting. He doesn't laugh at me either. When I was drunk I told him my theory.. K so here's the story (don't judge me)

When I was 4 all I remember is this big shadow and my puppy dog nightlight. Apparently the next day I drew a picture and told my mom I saw an alien. She said it was all over the news. Kids had all had that happen to them the night before and were drawing pictures. I was like meh whatevs, weird but who cares. Ok, then not last time but like the time before or the time before that I was back home visiting my best friend. His mom tells me that Jason drew a pic of an alien when he was like 4 and it was all over the news... dun dun dun.

1. That is why we are best friends
2. That is why we both have "issues"
3. It explains why I am sick, my body cant survive in this environment. It's shutting down.
4. We look like all of you. Our dna looks the same, our blood. But we have a lot of things that can't be explained.
5. My dreams, I wake up exhausted like I've been living somewhere else. My dreams are like an alternate reality. Sometimes I see things before they happen. Premonitions as you would call it. I cant control them and I don't remember all of them even though I have a lot of deja vu, sometimes I think they are just a dream. You would tell me I'm full of shit though I've proved it a few times. I told one friend who I worked with that she would be working at a bar again. She said fuck that. Six months later, she lost her job and started working at a bar again. She was impressed with me, not the bar situation. There are a lot more incidents. Like my cop roommate coming home and I told her I had a dream about this hanging last night, she said that was weird because she was at a hanging last night.
6. My hands and feet turn red hot or freezing cold, eventually I think I'll be able to shoot fire and ice out of them (lol I was drunk, but wouldn't that be cool)
7. There is a very questionable incident of sleep walking where I walked up to a mirror and started banging on it screaming "help me!" I was 10.

It's just a theory haha makes me feel a little better about life, at least the being sick part anyway. An explanation of why I'm sick. I obviously don't go around thinking I'm an alien from another planet lol. 

I'm moving. I'll be out sometime between now and June 1st. My landlord is dying so he sold the property. Sold within 2 weeks for $625,000. Nick moved out. Went to Jasper, gave most of his stuff to me. Best roommate I've ever had. Messier then me, but I never complained cause I'm messy too, I was like whatever, fuck it. He fucking bit me in a drunk wrestling match, that little bitch, had a ginormous bruise. Fight like a man lol. Bison grass vodka, dangerous lol. Nicks sexual preference is he's just Nick. Nick is actually bi, or pan I guess. I really don't understand the difference. I guess I'd call myself pansexual, free love? I dunno.

I actually put a deposit down on this awesome condo in Westbrook by the golf course and the river. It's expensive, hopefully I can find a roommate. They take cats so it isn't an issue. I'm not sure what I'm doing with Cali yet as far as where I'll keep her when I'm not home so she doesn't pee on things. I'll have that problem anywhere though. Credit check passed, they shouldn't have any problems with my references. I'm excited and scared.

Oh I went on a date with this chick,  it was lame. She's slutty, had a guy on the go and a shit ton of issues(mental). Went to Molly's in Kensington. She is the only person I've met off of the internet since Ben September 2011. I was done after that shit. I go on and change my profile and shit when I'm bored and check out hot guys lol and the not so hot ones, then I feel bad for laughing. Honestly the idea of meeting someone on there again gives me terrible anxiety. Bunch of fucking crazies. I'm one of em lol.

I was seeing someone last year, if you could call it that, it was brief. He wasn't a random. I don't say much about it. It's complicated. No one knew I was seeing him. I haven't told them who he was. The only thing anyone knows is that I was seeing some guy. Holy Crap, how did I manage that one lol. I haven't seen him since last year. This year he was like "We're done get over it." I wanted to respond with "I didn't know there was anything to get over." Then I thought just because he was hurtful and mean doesn't mean I need to be hurtful back. I asked him to please not speak to me like that and said bye... 

I don't know why but I feel the need to indirectly take jabs at someone when they upset me just to piss them off. Or annoy them by rubbing them the wrong way. You didn't realize I was intentionally trying to piss Tim off with the things I say on here or the messages I sent him? It worked. He hurt me, what was I supposed to do to get back at him right? I'm getting better tho, about not taking jabs. I let things go so I don't lose my temper, it's pretty foul when I let it out. I'll respond with a one word answer like ok or :) when in all actuality I'm cursing your name and wanting to chuck a tissue box at your fucking forehead and sock you really hard in the arm so you can WAKE UP. Then hug you because I really do care about you, you just upset me and I needed to express my frustration. 

So then he contacts me again, the week of valentines being an idiot. Then I got mad.  Stop playing games right! I was like wait, is this a test? Am I supposed to txt him on V-Day? So I did lol. Then I tried seeing him again for a few weeks cause he seemed like he wanted to. He pocket dialed me at one point, intentional probably. I called him once and spoke to him. Good to hear his voice. I wish he really had come over. Got nervous, kept it really short, didn't say anything I planned. What I meant to say was I want you on my table, all over my house all night long. Last text to him I got nothing back. I said hi last week. I wont message him again. Only makes me look crazy. I refuse to chase someone to boost their ego. I think he thinks about me. Part of me hopes he does. If he doesn't oh well, doesn't matter if the end result is still the same. Still blows tho. He chased me for a long time, when he had a girlfriend and when he was single. I cant make sense of it, and I'm done trying. I liked him, feeling isn't mutual. Wont waste my time or wonder what if. Had he not messaged me again. I woulda never text him back after he said we were over. 

You can't end something you never started.

If they aren't seeing you. They don't want you, or care about you and they most likely don't waste much time thinking about you. I hate when ppl string me along. Why do I allow it? Because I don't want to have to reject you if you do come back later on. If I'm seeing someone new, because you wont date me again if it doesn't work out with the dude i'm currently seeing. Cause you men are territorial and don't like when we choose someone over you, you see it as a betrayal even though you really had no claim on us. So I sit here and wait until you make it clear, you want me or not. 

Why do I do that to myself?

It pissed me off and I was a little flattered that he was jealous of the fact my roommate was a guy. He coulda met him. He coulda stayed whenever. If I was chasing other guys, I wouldn't have been chasing him. 

Does it bug me and hurt my feelings? Yes. Am I going to get over it? Yup prob. Would I see him again... ? I don't know. 

It's cool. I said fuck it, went to the pub with my friends the day after I txt him and landed a date. We have a mutual friend. Apparently we have been at the same place at the same time and never managed to meet each other. It was so funny. All the guys at the table had pof. So I handed my phone to the guys who passed it around and they gave theirs to me to critique. One guy was like "I would describe myself as being awesome." Omg if you knew this guys personality, he's such a dork. I laughed so hard. 

Buddy isn't really my type. I know he wanted to hook up. I wasn't down. We'll be friends depending on how i feel when i get to know him. No kissing. Just a hug goodbye. He paid for dinner.

I also don't know why but I cant date men who don't put money into their appearance. I know I shouldn't judge because I look like crap, no make up, yoga pants and a hoodie. Tho I know that I put some money into myself and that I look pretty good when I try. Hair, nails, clothes, waxing. I expect the same. There's something about a guy in an expensive pair of jeans. That's my most expensive clothes purchases. $110 but the jeans last me ages. It's the stitching. I love the stitching. I wanna master high heels. I had a dream I was wearing these creme ones that matched a shirt I bought that I plan on fitting into lol. I can't believe I had a dream about shoes. How sad. 

Ooh you know whats hot and that I miss. A guy walking around in just his sweat pants with no shirt. I mean, naked works too. Damnit! Don't think about hot guys, don't think about hot guys. Now that I'm not as depressed my sex drive has been crazy. Glad I'm not the type to sleep around.

I wish I could skip the hating myself and go back to the loving myself. What is it going to take to force my ass in the gym??!! I do not want to go to my 10yr reunion looking and feeling like this. I need a vice whether it be food, liquor or smokes. I have to break that. It's weakness. I'm not weak! 

Last week Dave pocket dials me. I'm like "hello?" so he realizes and he's like "oops sry." Then he pocket dials me again. I text him, I was like "For fucks sakes Dave, lock your phone you pocket dialed me and I'm pretty sure you were peeing lol." He's like "Whoops yah I was peeing." Haha fuckin Dave. I love spending time with Katherine. She's awesome. I'm glad we're friends.

I'm going back home in July. 10yr HS reunion. I didn't actually graduate from there. I graduated from home school in grade 11. I left after grade 10. Though I switched schools so many times. I know most everyone there. It was my high school, I got yearbooks, and I went to both Jr and Sr prom. Go Mavericks! I haven't been home in 3yrs. My sister is the only family I have there. I'll be staying with Jason. Glad I get to see my friends. I miss them and I'm tired of watching their lives on fb and not getting to be a part of it. I get to go home. It's nice.

One of my friends here is having a substance abuse problem. It sucks watching her do this to herself. I was spending all of my free time with her and then she met this guy. She was getting her shit together and she let this convict loser derail her. He just moved in with her as a "roommate" smh. 

Right now I'm taking care of me. I'm moving, I got a job, I'm going home to visit, I'm going to go out with my friends more and have beers on the patios on Fri, Sat nights. I'm going to get exercise and start eating right. I'm going to make more of an effort on my appearance when I go out. Even if it's to buy milk. I will go socialize more, because I don't need the internet to meet people, I do good with just being me.

I might give my number to the hot liquor store dude. He reminds me of Gerard Butler. Knowing me he looks nothing like Gerard but who cares lol.

Anyway, I think that's it really.

Wish me luck xoxo