Saturday, December 24, 2011

Happy Christmas

The holidays, after thanksgiving I always wish I could fast forward past valentines.

I haven't celebrated with my family in at least 9yrs. Since I was 17, if not younger. I've been doing things on my own for a long time. Doesn't feel important anymore. I know it will again one day, if I ever have my own family.

Kirstyn and Luke are taking me for brunch today. She got me smthn for xmas. I'm excited, I never get to open presents. She was hinting at active wear jackets, like an adidas zip up for ex.

Been up since half 3 got sick ln and went to bed at half nine.  So I'm exhausted. Tryin to catch more zz's.

I'm gunna go to church today. Not during service or anything, that's too much. There's a reason I don't go to church. Bad memories. Bad memories in the house of God, how terrible is that? Anyway. I think I need some alone time to talk to the man upstairs... at least I hope he's upstairs... If I cant cry to god, who can I cry to? This is what happens when you wipe away your own tears for so long, it feels pointless to cry even though I need to. My soul hurts over the loss of her, for everything that's been going on.

Suppressing my emotions is starting to become painful. Yesterday was a rough day, thinking about Carrie and everything else that's been going on. I wish I could cry, it hurts more when I cant let it out. My gf, "watch a sappy movie so you cry"... the last time I did that, I balled to toy story 3... it was sad, he grew up and gave away his toys, ok...  lol I'm lame, I know. I'm so glad no one else was there.

I'm choosing to ring in the new year alone... which is what I usually do. I make plans and I always cancel them.

Thursday was my sisters 22 b-day on December 22. It was such a weird day. She thinks her bf may propose. They've talked about it before. I hope she says yes, she's a bigger spaz then I am lol. We scare easy when it comes to relationship shit. I haven't met him but I've heard about him and he loves her very much. She's lucky to find such a great man. They both work as hard as they can, at retail jobs to support eachother. I was like, how cute would it be if he proposed with a little plastic ring? ... If u knew my sister u'd say the same... She didnt have the same enthusiasm about the plastic ring.... He could always get her something when they can afford it. That would be such a cute proposal. It's about the memories not the money. I know it's not about that for her either. I told her if he does, she has to text me so I can call her so she can tell me first lol. My family oy.

I signed up with the volunteer organization on Thursday. I will be taking a training class in Jan to teach me all about developmental and physical disabilities. I can pick from all age groups, tho I think working with adults with disabilities would suit me best. We'll be going out and doing activities. I'm looking forward to helping other people.


*Tim came over... it feels so surreal. I keep waiting to wake up from a dream. It was really great to see him.

Hopefully I'll see him again, who the hell knows... I'm following fate right now.. You shoulda seen my horoscope... trippy.

I know usually I'd tell u guys exactly what went down, but I'm keeping this memory to myself. Too good of a time to share it with anyone else, and I don't wanna think too much into it.

Niki swears Carrie met him... I don't remember, I didn't think any of my friends had. That would be weird if she had eh. Him coming around so soon after she died...

It's like something changed when you passed away. Everything is different. I cant explain it. Like an energy shift.

Anyways, before that I got a proposition that I'm turning down. I cant go into detail on this one either. I was asked not to talk about it. Very unexpected.

Lets add to the list of unexplained events. I got a collect call from Edmonton remand centre... guess who got picked up for something else... Ben. I didn't accept the call. I don't even know why he thought I would...

That was such a weird day. Do I dare ask whats next? Everything's been so weird since Carrie passed away. What are you doing up there beautiful? I'm confused... I'm just gunna go with the flow. That's usually how I roll. Things usually seem to sort themselves out.

All I know, is everything happens for a reason.

On that note... Hope everyone has a happy holidays lol.