Thursday, December 29, 2011

Please shoot me

Fuck fuck fuck.

My real dad called today...

He's like "I know you're mad at me for not calling, when I said I'd call you back last time." Fortunately for him I didn't write it in my calendar so I have no idea when that was. Tho he didn't call me on Christmas so I gave him shit. Not a lot tho. He's going through a hard time with his wife getting chemo and my brothers giving him grief. I swear my parents are chronically depressed. Both of them cant wait to die. It's messed. I guess in a way I'm the same. Mines really more cause I'm tired of suffering in pain, I just want it to end. I've barely been able to leave bed today. I'm in so much pain. Peeing is a chore. I'm not sleeping. I had a nightmare about Carrie the other night that caused me to gasp and jump out of bed. Scared the shit out of myself to be honest. I think I woke myself up. The less sleep I have the more pain I'm in.

Pof- I wasn't going to go on there because I wanted to show Tim that I don't sleep around. Cause I don't. My gf is like "He doesn't care, he just wants to fuck." Honestly I changed my pic and my bio but that's it. I don't really want to see anyone new. I cant deal with that shit right now. Now is not the time to date new people.

Why is it when I get what I want, I'm still not really getting what I want?

Ben... fuck so I avoided his call so many times he gave my number to someone so they could text me. I hate when he does that and random bitches call me,  I was like " Please inform him my best friend just died in a car accident, my moms really sick and going for surgery and I cant deal with anything else right now. I also have a boyfriend." I don't have a bf but I just want him to leave me the hell alone.

So I put this status on fb and I get a jealous text from a buddy of mine that I never slept with. WTF?!?! Question after question. What's this about all these guys hitting you up? Are you sleeping around? Are you seeing someone? They hit you up and did what? I told him I don't sleep around and I was like nosey, dont you have sex? He's like I'm just buggin you silly... No you effing weren't u were getting territorial, but he has a temper and I really wasn't in the mood to argue with him.

Then another buddy who I've never slept with hit me up...

I didn't even provoke any of this. I don't flirt with people, they come to me. If I do flirt it's me joking and making my friends laugh. Go up to a dude and say "Sup, how u doin?" and I do like this little head nod like I'm a black dude and I just saw a fine ass woman. They think it's funny.

My mom's like "I think men have a mating season we don't know about." She's so funny.

Maybe I'm in heat and I don't know it, all these strays are coming around.

Good thing I'm not a skank otherwise I could pull a train lmao.

In all seriousness, what the hell am I doing? There's a hole in the pit of my stomach I feel so empty, sex doesn't fill the void. It's momentary gratification. What I need is for someone to really be there for me. Someone to hold me. Someone to help me get through this pain. I'm not gunna lie, I cant do it alone anymore. Its getting harder and harder to pull myself together.

Friends don't fill this void. I still go home alone at night, and I don't sleep...

I'll be really busy soon with school, doctors and volunteering. I hope that helps.

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

You think you can walk all over me? Think again.

I hate waking up at stupid o'clock in the morning cause I'm in pain. It's frustrating.

See, people mistake me for this sweet innocent girl who they can walk all over, who lacks confidence and self respect. I 'm an observer, I watch people to see how they are and how they treat me, I keep my mouth shut, until I'm ready to call them out and put them in their place. Meanwhile, I relay how this is gunna play out to my friends. My friends are always amazed "Dude that's crazy, how do you always do that? It's like you just know." my response "I told you." I cant predict the future, I can only predict peoples behaviour based off reading them. They think I have no backbone... really I should just cut them off before I even get the chance to read them. I dunno, people interest me. I like figuring them out and making sense of them. Ergo Anthropology.

Fuck me. I knew this would happen. It always does. I stop seeing a guy, I move on... then they all come back at the same time, months, years later. I like to think it's cause I'm amazing and sexy as fuck... jk lol I think it's cause I'm chill. I'm the girl next door. I'm not judgmental, tho sometimes I wish I was.

Anyway Fuck em. A very appropriate quote...

"Good luck trying to find someone who cares like i did, who understands you like i do, who is forgiving like I am, and when you realize there's no one out there like me, I won't be where you left me "

Peace guys.... It's finito.  I've learnt a lot about myself in 2011, I'm not afraid to be alone anymore, I'm afraid to love and get hurt. Is it really better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all? I'll let you know if someone ever loves me back...

Troy showed up yesterday, with his friends... he irritates the fuck out of me and he's so rude. Who asks for you to blow them and fuck them in front of their friends... classy... and I shot him down, in front of his friends. He was like, I haven't had sex in a month, I wanted to be like I haven't had sex in 4days.  Instead I said, sorry to hear that lol.. He's rude and that was degrading. I'm not pussy thanks. He's like I bet you have a lot of guys on the go, no bf's? He's like I wouldnt be surprised, your beautiful, funny and honest. Inside I was thinking damn straight, but I kept my mouth shut. Buddy, I'm not sleeping with you, you're not my boyfriend which makes it none of your business. If I had a boyfriend tho, I'd be more then happy to tell him. He got a phone, he's like now we can talk... I didn't bother asking for his number. I don't care enough. He wanted to see if I still had a room for rent... you met my roommate last time you were here you idiot. Like I'd live with you anyway. Please. He's needy too. He goes through my fridge, says he wants some water. Sits down and asks me to get him some water.... ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Help your fucking self. I'm not your bitch. I don't cater to people. Maybe if I actually liked him I'd be more inclined to dote on him.

Taylor tried calling me on Christmas... I didnt answer... Seriously... call me a self centered bi polar bitch...  and expect me to ever speak to you again... ummm no. He was pissed cause he wanted to hang last week and I said no and he was like no surprise, you always say no and he bitched me out. I was like you know what.. "Fuck you Taylor my friend died last week and you were a prick. Get the fuck over yourself. You're not there for me when I need u. So fuck off." Ergo his response lol. Proud of myself really.

Ben, has been trying to call me all week... from Edmonton Remand Centre... Even on Christmas. Why do you have to make my shitty Christmas any shittier by calling me? I didn't answer. I asked his friend why he was trying to call me. She's like I only talked to him for 3minutes cause after that you have to pay and I'm not paying to talk to him. I laughed. She said he's trying to find someone to go to court on Fri the 30 to push back his court date cause he's in jail in Edmonton and will miss his trial in Calgary... You're a fucking idiot Ben. I'm never going to speak to you again, I told you this. I'm never going to help you again. I'm never going to give.. a flying fuck.. about you ever again. Have fun in jail buddy, you put yourself there, you can get yourself out.

*Tim, you'll be my first choice every time because your worth it.The shitty part is not knowing if I'll hear or see from you again. I want to message him and talk to him, but I'll wait for him to. If he wants to see me again he will. I hope. I know I've said this a thousand times. I know guys and even if they're not your man, they don't want you fucking anyone else. Granted the majority of men have a double standard. How do you guys feel no guilt? Honestly I cant bring myself to be a player, even tho the opportunity always presents itself. I'd be ashamed of myself and I'd feel dirty.

I just want to tell you guys exactly how I felt about seeing Tim again. Who knows if he reads any of this, do my best not to say anything that may scare him off. Paranoia lol. We have sexual chemistry. It's always amazing. Just the way he touches me, so gently, It makes me feel so delicate, so female. I missed that.  I love when he tells me about his drunkin adventures; he really makes me laugh. When I'm not being an awkward spaz, our conversations are really good. He makes me feel safe. Like I can trust him... I hate that feeling. I don't get it often... fuck. Reason to be more cautious, it's just so easy to let my guard down and be me with him.

I feel so dumb and slow. A couple times I forgot what I was saying when I was mid sentence. I was trying to play it off but doing a terrible job. I wish I could tell him why. I don't want him to think I'm stupid. It's so embarrassing not being able to have a normal conversation, form proper sentences, sometimes I make absolutely no sense at all. Then I try and explain myself but I forgot half way through what I was talking about. I was trying to tell him stories but I was having a hard time trying to explain things a few times. I was getting really frustrated and irritated with myself. I hope he didn't see that.

I wish I could tell him everything about me. I wont though. He doesn't need my baggage. He wants casual and fun. Not my complicated life. He doesn't need to be overwhelmed. His hug when he left. He held me so tight. It felt so good, genuine. At the same time it was so hard. I wish he could be there for me through this hard time, it would be so easy for me to let him be that for me. I just wanted to cry. The last thing I need for him to see, is me crying.

I'm strong, I'll get through this on my own. I always do.

I've spent the last couple days crying on and off. It helps that Dustin and I text all the time. At least if I tell him I'm upset or struggling he understands why. It was his girlfriend and I was her best friend. He'll be back New Years Eve. He asked if I wanted to hang with him... I don't know. It goes against tradition lol. Plus I guarantee I will have several people hitting me up in the middle of the night because I'm so close to downtown. If I'm in Airdrie with him, who's gunna answer the door. I dont want them buggin my roommate. Niki said she wanted to come by too. Maybe he could come here. It would be weird tho to have other people randomly showing up. I could just imagine us being two crying messes. Honestly I'd like to get drunk at my house and go on a random adventure, maybe to the park lol, and swing on the swings. Stumble down 17th.

I need a partner in crime already. I need someone who wants to be a dumb drunk retard with me and go on random adventures. My friends are too sensible.... also known as uptight...

I just need someone who I can be a big goof with. I have a couple that have a similar sense of humor as me. Carrie was one, Brenda and Renee. I just need someone to let loose with. Get drunk and have fun without hitting the clubs, since they aren't my thing, at least on a regular basis.

Mara text me on Christmas. I didn't respond. I cant be friends with someone I have absolutely no respect for. I haven't talked to her in weeks. You need to try being a better person and having more respect for yourself Tamara. People don't think very highly of you.

Not a single member of my family called me on Christmas. Fuck you guys man. This is why I live in another country and my friends are my family... You guys are way too self involved.

I try and call my brother and sister because apparently I'm the only one who cares to stay in touch. I swear if my mom died we'd only drift further apart and it wouldn't be for my lack of trying. Tried to call my sister, I got nothing. Called my brother. He's like oh I talked to my family but I forgot all about my other family. We're your real family you fool. Not those people who left you to fend for yourself when you were a kid. Not your blood. I am your family. We're the ones who've always been there for you. I understand you need to feel accepted, because you don't feel good enough if the people who are supposed to love you don't. Story of my life Anthony. I just don't want him to invest time into his biological family if they're just gunna bitch out again. He doesn't need that. He also needs to remember the people who have actually loved him since the day he walked in our front door. Don't you remember me coming up to you when I was 12 asking if you if you'd stay, if you would be my brother? He was living with a different foster family. They went on vacation and didn't take him. Since my mom was a foster parent she did respit. So we had him with us while they were away. He chose not to go back to them, to stay with us. He came on every vacation with us.

My little brother Josh posted on my wall on fb. I tried calling him and Sam (my other lil bro) but they didn't answer. My mom completely forgot, she thought she talked to me already. Normally I call my extended family but I lost my phone book. Plus I cant afford to call them. Funny enough, they NEVER call me. I never expect my real dad to call. After I just got done telling him if he wants me in his life he's going to need to make an effort. He's running out of time, he's getting older and sicker and he just doesn't care enough. I called my other dad (my sisters father) and nothing.

I give up. So my xmas went like this. I had plans with Kirstyns family. Brenda told me how much she'd love to have me at dinner (she likes to pull guilt trips). So I cancelled with Kirstyn even though her family is like my family, to go to Brendas. I woke up xmas morning to a text telling me xmas was cancelled due to a family emergency. I only found out yesterday it was because her dog was sick and couldn't walk up the stairs and they had to take her to the vet... So my xmas started off shitty, added to that I couldn't find a liquor store open so I could drown my sorrows. So of course I was pissed at myself for not pre planning the need to get drunk lol. Fortunately Kirstyns family fit me in, Kirstyn had invited another friend to fill my spot. Her dad and I were making fun of her mom. Her carpentry skills and other things... god we were in stitches.

Xmas was saved by my best friends. I had a great time with the people I've made my family. I've thanked Kirstyns father before for letting me be apart of it. Very good man, I wish I had a father like him. I guess all I can hope for is that my future children have a father like that. Kirstyn and her dad ride their motorcycles together. How awesome is that? He's a 60yr old biker who owns his own trucking company. Her mom acts like this innocent mom lol she used to be a biker too. Now shes like this mom who's very homely, gardens, bakes, decorates the house for all holidays, takes the dog to agility classes. Glasses short hair. I said to her come on I know you have stories, she just laughs.

I love hearing how they got together. It was a complicated mess. They even separated after they got married and she moved to Canada. He was confused, didn't know what he wanted. She waited for him, he came back. I asked why she took him back. She said she always knew he was it. Just took him a while to get there. Her dad was previously married with a daughter. They've been together over 31yrs now. Amazing people, I have a lot of respect for them.

Now to tell you my presents. Kirstyn got me a puma hoodie and some socks lol . We get everything from sportcheck for at least half off which is really nice. Ergo all my sporting stuff. Niki got me 3pairs of pj pants and a lovely card. Lyss (old roommate who i got in a fight with and we talk occasionally) who filled my spot at dinner. She gave me a pair of earrings, and a giant lighter lol. My step dad got me a new charger and battery or my laptop and my mom sent me a bunch of stuff a cpl months ago, including a blood pressure cuff... she's was fucked up on morphine and thought it was a cat toy lmfao. Sometimes my life is very entertaining. As soon as I saw it I burst out laughing and said "Fuckin mom" my friends were here too, and they know her. They talk to her when she's all fucked on pills and cracks them up. Brenda just stopped by, fleece raindeer pj's and a bottle of cosmo. Really impressed Brenda. The right size and my fav alcoholic beverage. I know it's not even lunch time but I wanna crack it to see if it's any good. She did xmas yesterday, so she brought me food and some treats. She's off to Mexico for New Years. So Jealous. I wish I could've gotten people gifts, but I couldn't afford it. They all knew that, I didn't want them getting me anything if I couldn't get them something. They didn't care. They told me it's cause I'm a good friend. Makes me sniffle just a lil.

I got my credit card in time to pay for the deposit for school. OMG  school starts in two weeks. Hurry up loan, I cant afford my books! Then Tim scared me talking about loan repayments. TIM don't freak me out. I already worry that I wont be able to work after I finish school, don't make me think the worst. If I cant work or afford to pay back my loan. I'm serious. It is my goal, to be as healthy as I can be by the time I finish school so I can travel and do what I love. It's not a job if you love it. That's the only thing I have to hold on to, to look forward to. The only thing that keeps me going is the prospect of a normal life. If I don't have that, then I don't have anything and what the hell am I doing here?

I still have to go to the bank to look into setting up an account for donations. I have to pick what group in the organization I'd like to donate my time to. I have to get pictures from the service printed off for Carries mom and send them to her. I still need to put up pictures of her at her crash site, some flowers and a teddy. I need to pick up her ashes before anything happens to her. You should have heard the morbid jokes Ash and I were cracking to try and lighten the mood. Every now and again one of us would tear up. Ash when we were looking at sweaters for her, me when we were looking at shoes for her. Stupid nosey payless woman. If you had stopped asking who the bloody shoes were for (a thousand times), I wouldn't have had to tell you I was putting them on my dead friend and I wouldn't have been choked... u still didn't see me cry. I don't think I've cried in front of anyone really. Niki saw silent tears running down my face as I read the messages from her family telling me what happened. She rubbed my back, it was awkward. We don't do that lol. Sometimes when she's upset she'll put her head in my lap and she'll tell me all about it. We hug.

Oh man, I was so pissed at the memorial. Trying to take pics with a stupid tremor in your hand, they were so blurry. Especially when it's important is very upsetting. Do you know how many pics I had to take to get a few good ones? I had to ask a senior citizen of all people to help me take pictures.... that alone made me want to cry. I lit all of carries candles in my room and wanted to take pics of them. I was starting to cry because I was having such a hard time with my hands. I had to sit down, stack three pillows on top of my lap, support my elbow on the pillows and hold my wrist with the other hand, just to get 1 good picture... see what I mean? Do you understand how upsetting it is to not to be able to do something as simple as take a picture.

I never made it to church. I want to but I make every excuse to avoid going in those front doors. I don't like the memories walking into a church brings me.

I just really want to do something dumb and fun. I need a drunk adventure.... I want to laugh my ass off and have a good story to tell. Who wants to be my partner in crime??? You know u wanna...

See what I mean by the weight of the world  on my shoulders? You don't even know the half of it, this is just  some of the last two weeks, the icing on the cake. Try the last three effin months. Told you I need a vacation lol. Obviously there are some things I cant talk about on here, but would love to tell you guys.

 Sorry I know my posts have been hella long but I feel like I cant really talk to anyone about how I feel.

I hope you all had a merry xmas and I hope you guys dont have such a  fucked up New Year lol. xoxo <3

Saturday, December 24, 2011

Happy Christmas

The holidays, after thanksgiving I always wish I could fast forward past valentines.

I haven't celebrated with my family in at least 9yrs. Since I was 17, if not younger. I've been doing things on my own for a long time. Doesn't feel important anymore. I know it will again one day, if I ever have my own family.

Kirstyn and Luke are taking me for brunch today. She got me smthn for xmas. I'm excited, I never get to open presents. She was hinting at active wear jackets, like an adidas zip up for ex.

Been up since half 3 got sick ln and went to bed at half nine.  So I'm exhausted. Tryin to catch more zz's.

I'm gunna go to church today. Not during service or anything, that's too much. There's a reason I don't go to church. Bad memories. Bad memories in the house of God, how terrible is that? Anyway. I think I need some alone time to talk to the man upstairs... at least I hope he's upstairs... If I cant cry to god, who can I cry to? This is what happens when you wipe away your own tears for so long, it feels pointless to cry even though I need to. My soul hurts over the loss of her, for everything that's been going on.

Suppressing my emotions is starting to become painful. Yesterday was a rough day, thinking about Carrie and everything else that's been going on. I wish I could cry, it hurts more when I cant let it out. My gf, "watch a sappy movie so you cry"... the last time I did that, I balled to toy story 3... it was sad, he grew up and gave away his toys, ok...  lol I'm lame, I know. I'm so glad no one else was there.

I'm choosing to ring in the new year alone... which is what I usually do. I make plans and I always cancel them.

Thursday was my sisters 22 b-day on December 22. It was such a weird day. She thinks her bf may propose. They've talked about it before. I hope she says yes, she's a bigger spaz then I am lol. We scare easy when it comes to relationship shit. I haven't met him but I've heard about him and he loves her very much. She's lucky to find such a great man. They both work as hard as they can, at retail jobs to support eachother. I was like, how cute would it be if he proposed with a little plastic ring? ... If u knew my sister u'd say the same... She didnt have the same enthusiasm about the plastic ring.... He could always get her something when they can afford it. That would be such a cute proposal. It's about the memories not the money. I know it's not about that for her either. I told her if he does, she has to text me so I can call her so she can tell me first lol. My family oy.

I signed up with the volunteer organization on Thursday. I will be taking a training class in Jan to teach me all about developmental and physical disabilities. I can pick from all age groups, tho I think working with adults with disabilities would suit me best. We'll be going out and doing activities. I'm looking forward to helping other people.


*Tim came over... it feels so surreal. I keep waiting to wake up from a dream. It was really great to see him.

Hopefully I'll see him again, who the hell knows... I'm following fate right now.. You shoulda seen my horoscope... trippy.

I know usually I'd tell u guys exactly what went down, but I'm keeping this memory to myself. Too good of a time to share it with anyone else, and I don't wanna think too much into it.

Niki swears Carrie met him... I don't remember, I didn't think any of my friends had. That would be weird if she had eh. Him coming around so soon after she died...

It's like something changed when you passed away. Everything is different. I cant explain it. Like an energy shift.

Anyways, before that I got a proposition that I'm turning down. I cant go into detail on this one either. I was asked not to talk about it. Very unexpected.

Lets add to the list of unexplained events. I got a collect call from Edmonton remand centre... guess who got picked up for something else... Ben. I didn't accept the call. I don't even know why he thought I would...

That was such a weird day. Do I dare ask whats next? Everything's been so weird since Carrie passed away. What are you doing up there beautiful? I'm confused... I'm just gunna go with the flow. That's usually how I roll. Things usually seem to sort themselves out.

All I know, is everything happens for a reason.

On that note... Hope everyone has a happy holidays lol.

Wednesday, December 21, 2011


Today is the day her family has the service in Flin Flon.

I'm like 10x more fucked up then normal... I'm all over the place more then normal.

I saw my therapist yesterday. Thank fuck for that. She has a way of making me feel a lot better.

She couldn't believe everything we had done to arrange last minute. She asked if it feels like she's gone and I told her no. She asked how I was coping. I told her I suppress my emotions and it bites me in the ass later for not dealing with my issues right away. I told her I was angry with my friends for their lack of support. I told her I've come to the conclusion that they aren't as mature as I thought they were. When I needed them the most they weren't there.

Niki was the most supportive. She's listen to my plans for Carrie and the memorial. Kirstyn was like dont use my camera to take a picture of her. I got so mad. Like I'd leave pictures of her on her camera. Then she thought it was weird that we were picking out her clothes, nail polish and that we had gotten her underwear. It just didn't seem right that she wasn't properly clothed. I dont know. It all seemed like a bad dream.

I'm meeting with someone tomorrow to volunteer my time to go out on outings and look after other disabled people. 2-4hr commitment a week. I think it'll be good for me. I need to be around different kinds of people.

I'm looking forward to meeting new people at school. People who actually have similar interests to me. I don't like the clubs and I don't like sitting around wasting life, doing nothing. Especially when I have a good day and I'm not in any pain.

I haven't been smoking a lot of weed. I'm broke ass. The weed pills they prescribed me help. Thank god. It's a good thing really. Need to have a clear head for school and I don't like being intoxicated all the time. Though I gotta tell u when I'm irritable and in pain it sure does make me feel good.

Nick, hasn't really been the same since I told him I didn't want anything but friendship. 

I'm glad I'm volunteering and starting school. Dear god please please please let me get my loan approval, my card from my g-ma and my new credit card asap. Also, please help Carries family and Dustin. I know how hard all of this has been on me, I can only imagine how her family must feel.

I got in a big fight with Kirstyn and Taylor yesterday.

I love when people try to say things and throw things in my face. It doesn't phase me, don't you know the reason I have no secrets... because you have no ammo to use against me. He went off on me because he's homeless and the money he does have he wants to come over and drink. Seeing how insensitive he was I dont want him around me and he needs to get his shit straight. Why would I want a homeless person in my house who isn't doing the right thing?

I mean my gf is staying with me on my couch. But she works full time, she contributes towards things, and really just because she doesnt have her own place doesnt make her homeless. Taylor took advantage of my generosity.

Kirstyn and I got in a fight because she wasnt there for me last week. Then we made plans for today then she tried to push me back to Thursday. I was like really? REALLY!!! I hate when people make plans and double book themselves and I hate not being important enough for her to make time for me.

Like seriously, she made time for Tamara last week... I told her off as soon as she told me that. We're fine.

I am taking a break from everyone after the holidays. At least from my friends. If I cant go on a real vacation at least I can have a mental one. I will never understand why everyone comes to me with their problems. I have too much of my own shit going to worry about everyone elses problems.

Focusing on me.

Did I tell you a lady at the memorial read my blog. She wasn't one of the people who commented on it. It was weird to meet someone I've never met who's read something so personal. It was good though. It was good to know my words touched people. Though I kinda wish I hadn't mentioned Carrie coming with me to get my piercing. That was the first thing that popped in my head when I started getting comments. Whatever. I dont go around advertising my piercing to guys. My gf's obviously ask about it. They wanna know if the rumors are true lol. No one else has the balls.

Fuck me, my mom just called. She's going back in for surgery because she's really sick. When they did the gastric bypass the first time it almost killer her because the fucked up. She's still sick from whatever they did in '05. So now she has to go in for another surgery and they want to re do it. My step dad gave her a blood transfusion last time which was against her wishes. I told her to store her own blood this time so she's not upset. Then she tells me I dont want the transfusion. She's signing a DNR.

I swear to god my head is going to explode.

I need to relax, A back massage would be good right about now. Hot bubble bath, glass of wine. Read a book. Sounds like my idea of a good time.

Sunday, December 18, 2011

Sweet Dreams Carrie

What a week man, it's taken it's toll on me.

Friday was the memorial/viewing. I took pictures of her for her family and of the service, it was really difficult actually. Right after I saw her all I wanted to do was leave and get fucking trashed. The responsible person I am. I stayed till the end.

So this is how the week went. For the whole beginning of the week. Her cousin told me she was being held at the morgue, and her ashes were being picked up right away and being taken back to Manitoba.

So of course I was like, that's not cool. I at least have to see her. So we (her friend and I) contacted the morgue so we could see her, it would've been before she was prepped but we didn't care, if it was our only opportunity.

So I call the morgue to arrange to see her. They tell me she's not there, she's been moved. Ummm, to where? They didn't know. So of course I panicked, cause now she was lost right. It's ok, they let me know as soon as they knew where she was. Phew, it was like a scene from a movie.

We expressed that we'd like to see her. I was panicking. How the hell was I supposed to get to flin flon. If I was broke before, arranging the memorial tapped me out. She had to have a proper goodbye. Her family arranged that she have a viewing. So it would've been just her in a coffin.

So her other best friend Ashley and I decided to take it upon ourselves to give her a proper goodbye. We posted the event on facebook. They got the word out to her school, the faculty, the colleagues on her unit. We tried to contact some of her friends in BC.

I called the funeral home to find out if she had clothes to wear. Nope, and no one thought to tell us. They were just gunna put her in a nighty. Her bf didn't want  anyone going into their house before he did. Rightfully so, he had to travel to get here. So we went and bought her clothes. Sweater, scarf, leggings, underwear, shoes, belt, nail polish to match the sweater. I didn't even think to tell them to put makeup on her. Like eyeshadow or something.

We had to find out the condition of her body when she came in so we knew what to expect and what not. Broken neck, jaw and a gash to the forehead. I kept brushing her hair over her face to keep it covered, but people kept touching her. When I saw her, it wasn't her. It helped knowing that. Knowing that her body was just a vessel that contained her soul. Who knows where someones soul goes. Monday is when she passed. On wed her boyfriends sister delivered a baby girl... odd right?

Anyway, so Ash and I pretty much got together and set everything up. Cards, pics, clothes, candle, book for everyone to sign (had over 53ppl in 4days notice) Ash did up a cd. I made sure to put that song from PS I love you on there, the funny one from the funeral. We never got to it tho :( Devin, her ex, his family invested several hundred dollars into flowers. They were kind, and let Ash and I each pick one we liked best. Someone brought food. It turned out beautifully. I'm so glad Dustin her boyfriend decided to come. Just seeing him made me feel so much better.

I was finally able to speak to her mom. Like I sad her mom's been fighting cancer. She was doing pretty good, till Monday. The day she passed, her mom found out there may be something else; more cancer. She was so upset she couldn't attend. Finances are tight and her health and last minute. I'm gunna go to the bank and try and set up something for donations to her family. I told her mom she can stay here when she's in town. Same with Dustin. Whenever he comes through town he's got a place to stay. Her mom had been making little notes so I turned it into a eulogy to be able to read to everyone on behalf of the family. I obviously cleared what I said with her mom.

It was hard to see her. It just didn't feel like her u know. She looked like a wax statue. I touched her hand, her hair, her face. It was really hard for me, to touch her. I had to though. I just wanted to sit with her as long as I could. I didn't want to leave, because I knew when I did, it would be goodbye forever.

I have a hard time crying in front of people. I started to tear up so I put my sunglasses on,but could only shed one.  I cried when I saw her. I cried when I got to her place that night and saw her tree.

She was literally less then 5 minutes away from home. Seeing her beautiful home and the life Dustin provided for her. Hes like a dream come true. I wish I could find a man like him. Honestly he's an amazing man. He gave her everything she could dream of. It breaks my heart knowing how he must feel. He was so sweet to let us go through her things to see what we wanted. I'd really like the dream catcher. He said I could have it but i don't want to take anything that would bring him comfort. He gave me the hat she had worn to the concert we went to. We each had one. I got a dragonfly glass thing to put in the window. Couple candles. Bandaids lol, I figure she can help me when I fall down (happens a lot), books, candle holder, bio oil, some jewelry. I'm so sad though. Somehow my drunk ass lost the pairs to each earing I had. I have one of each. WTF? I wasnt drunk at the memorial, however i was drunk when I was at his house. I needed it for sure. It was funny going through her stuff. The things people keep. She's so funny. I don't know how many times I said that. Oh and then I forget my stuff at his house. I borrowed my neighbors mascara and lost it. So I just bought her more and pretended like nothing ever happened hahaha. Tho now my fav makeup and makeup brushes are gone. It's hard tho. I didn't want to be greedy, I hope I wasn't seen that way. Dust said to take whatever and he'll go through and see. Really, I'm just happy to have anything and that he let us come see him and spend time with him. When I first saw him we hugged for a really long time and he was crying, so then I started crying and I was like "Look what u did, now I'm crying." he laughed.

We found this little bag filled with homemade pouches out of paper and tape to hold change. All but 1 said $1, the other said .16c. Fuck we laughed. Dustin gave me a pictures to give to Dev, of his and carries trip to the coast. It was good of him to be so kind to Dev, and vice versa. I was a little worried. They had never met.

The family is letting me keep some of her ashes. My mom knows someone who will make a glass necklace out of it for me. Dunno if I could wear it though. Maybe hang it up. It might creep me out a little bit, wearing my friend.

Devs family gave me the beautiful flower arrangement I picked out.

I talked to the president from her nursing department at mt royal. He's totally cute btw. Anyway, so the school is trying to have somekind of tribute for people to remember her by. Dear Carrie, please send that cute president my way...

It was weird everyone coming to me and saying how sorry they were. I actually hate sympathy, I get all awkward. Do I hug this stranger, shake their hand? I don't really like people touching me. I hugged a few people, it was weird.


Hi my name is Elli,

I was one of Carries best friends.  I’ve been asked to speak on behalf of her family.

Unfortunately  they would have loved to be here, but with such short notice, them  living out of province and her mothers poor health, they were unable to make it. They however will be holding a small service in Flin flon, where she’s from next week, and next summer, her ashes will be buried next to her father.

Carrie loved animals, when she was a little girl she loved the unicorn song by the Irish Rovers…
“Cats and rats and elephants.”  She had a cat named missy, rats and a dog named nibbles, but she would’ve had an elephant if she could.

Her Grandpa Russ would call her his little Litisha

When she was younger she loved to swim, except she was terrible at it. So when they would go fishing they’d put a life vest on her , tie her to the boat, throw her in and let her swim while they fished.

Carrie decided to go back to school to become a Nurse. She was a very compassionate caring person. She wanted to help people and make a difference in their lives. I remember the first time she delivered a baby. She said it was amazing, she cut the umbilical cord. I told her you’re one of the first people to meet that child. She said yah but they’d never remember her. I told her she helped bring new life into this world, and that’s an amazing thing. She was also looking forward to making big bucks . She had a lot of plans she was looking forward to.

Within the last eight months or so, she met a fella by the name of Dustin. One weekend she would be in Calgary, the next she’d be visting him in Southern Saskatchewan,  and studying for school.

She was in 7th heaven now that she’d met him. She was the happiest anyone had ever seen her. She had met her soul mate. They were hard to keep apart. They were just starting to create a life together. Then god took her away from him, her family, and her friends.

Her mother Barb misses her very much. Her half sisters, the boys, her  stepmother Eldene. Her half sister Amber misses her very much. She’s up in heaven with her father now, he’ll take good care of her.
Her mom is very grateful for everything everyone has done for her memorial and everyone who was able to attend on such short notice.

Please send prayers and good thoughts her way.

She ask that we have adrink in Carries name.  Carrie would want us to celebrate her life, not mourn her death.

Figerprints don’t fade from the lives we’ve touched. She touched us all.

We all love you and miss you very much.

May you rest in peace, sweet dreams beautiful.


Now back to my regularly scheduled life. 

I have my moments. It's still fresh. I wonder how long it'll take to kick in, am I still in shock and denial or have I done what I normally do? Put a wall up and pretend like it never happened. It helps me get over things quickly but then again the issue is never really resolved.

I'm doing ok emotionally. I'm emotionally retarded, so haven't really cried since Friday.

Most of my friends were pretty insensitive... remind me the next time someone they loves dies...

I had to leave sleep group early and I missed relaxation all together. Coulda been helpful this week for sure.

I'm now mentally and physically exhausted, so my body is run down. All I want to do is sleep and be antisocial for a few days. Stupid Christmas. It's pointless when u have no kids. I'm just going to someones for dinner. New years, I blew off my plans. I spend it alone because I've been alone the last 8yrs for new years. I figure if I ring it in by myself. I have no drama going into the new year. Plus, I'm usually asleep by 9 anyway.  My g-ma's new year is more exciting then mine. Seriously, freakin g-ma.

Broke as fuck after the memorial. I was already skint. At least it went to a good cause though. She deserved nothing but the best.

I had a missed call from the casino last week. Wonder who the fuck that was. I never go there... someone I know for sure. I had a lot of missed calls that day from unknown numbers. Ergo, y i screen my calls.

Someone tried to take my tobez (Tobi) this week. I don't know you, I love her and now she's my cat. Leave me alone. Tobez lol, she's such a shit disturber.

I went on that date on Wednesday. Carrie, I don't know what I was supposed to get out of going to our pool hall for my date? Was I supposed to pick up the hot bar tender instead? Cause that didnt happen.

So the guy is Nick, sweet guy. Works for the city. Very handsome. Beautiful eyes, actually... they look like Tims but a different colour. As soon as I saw him I text my gf to tell her, her response..."Oh Lord" man I laughed. Every time I go on a date, with someone who's attractive but doesn't dress how I'd like my guy to look, I give them a little makeover in my head. If u have a fashion sense, then cool. If u don't have one at all that's when I do the little makeover. I need to spend more time with him to decide on what style would suit him. How fucked is that. The point here is I shouldn't need to change someone. Though I'm pretty sure my ex husband is very happy I gave him a hand. If I could work with him, I could work with anyone. Seriously bum bag and socks with sandals. LMAO y did we get married? ... He's a farm boy, drives trucks. He may be a little shy. He didnt do a whole lot of talking. Kinda a weird date. Anyway my mom lectured me and told me he sounds like a nice man, he's cute, give him a chance.... That's what I'm doing. She reminded me of all the losers I've dated this year... Thanks Mom! Regardless we'll be friends. He's chill. I like chill.

He's coming to make me dinner tn. I have like 3 other dudes who want to hang out.... I hate dating, it confuses the fuck out of me. I guess since I'm not sleeping with anyone I can date other people? I don't know. Plus I'm just in a shitty mood right now. Dealing with a death, worrying about my student loan coming through in time. Doctors apts, classes. GO,GO,GO. Here's the problem. I dont get attached to people I dont sleep with. That cant be a good thing though because I don't sleep with that many people. So if I don't sleep with him, I'll never be into him? I am fucked. Fuck!

I'm all fucked in the head. I don't know if I'm coming or going. I've wanted a boyfriend for a long time. I dunno now. Maybe when I meet the right guy, I wont have to question myself? Maybe I'm just being weird. I don't want to think about it, it gives me anxiety.

I'll be honest. I'm not putting much effort into anything else right now. I'm just letting myself coast until school starts. I need a vacation. I'm tired of drama and dealing with other peoples emotions.

So I'm at shoppers and this tweaker is there, trust me I know what a tweaker looks like. Buddy was making me anxious.  I wasn't scared, the way he was acting had me on guard. Jittery, talking to himself, not ur typical crazy. I fucking hate tweakers. Put the meth pipe down.

Something I've learned. Life is too short. I could die in an hr and have no time to prepare. Fuck what anyone else thinks. I'm doing whatever makes me happy.

Love the life you live. 12/18/11
                                                                  Continued on 12/19/11

So I had dinner with Nick last night. I told him this morning that i'd like it if we could be friends. We are just two very different people, who've lived two very different lives. Nothing happened. We never even kissed. He's a sweet guy though. I'm glad he never tried to kiss me. I've had guys try and force themselves on me before. I hate when I have to put my hand in their face and push them off me.

Kirstyn tried to tell me she's worried about me because I'm depressed....duh I'm depressed. It's been one thing after the next. I told her how insensitive everyone was last week. She said she was guilty as well but she just didn't know how to help me. I figured.

When I'm upset I tend to push people away. I don't like displaying weakness.  I'm everyones rock, or didn't you know. Who's my rock... ? I don't have one. That's the problem.

I don't let people in deep down. Where it really matters. How do you do that when your guards always up and you trust no one to stay in your life forever. Plus everyone starts to annoy the crap out of me lol.

I have learned, I need a guy who gives me my space. Feel free to text to tell me something about your day. Give me a call before bed, so we can talk about our days. Don't message me, all day, asking what I'm up to, knowing full well I have no life.  It bores me just telling you about my boring day.

I cant wait for school to start. If my loan isnt approved in time I don't know what I'm going to do to keep myself busy.

I'm fine as long as I dont think about Carrie and I keep my mind busy. I've now run out of things so I cry.

I'm in such a bad place mentally. I hate the holidays. It's not the same without a big family celebration. It was a lot different when we still celebrated at home. I do enjoy seeing other peoples family traditions its nice. If I ever had kids, I'd like it to be like that.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011


My beautiful best friend died yesterday December 12 2011.She was my very first best friend in Canada. She was there when I needed an angel.

I found out via facebook. Her boyfriend posted on her wall. She doesn't have a lot of ppl on her fb. I've messaged some of her family to find out what happen.

She was leaving work, skid on black ice. Had a head on collision and died instantly from the impact.

Her father died last year and her mom's been fighting cancer.

She called me on Thursday, I missed the call. Tried to get back to her, right away. She was in my neighborhood so swung by, saw my lights were off and kept going. I was home. She said, Oh well, next time. Now I'm never going to see her again.

When I first moved here, after my separation from my ex husband. The only friends I had were older ladies, cops wives and their families. So, the loser I am, I posted and ad on craiglsist for friends. I found one. Carrie.

We had dinner and played pool in the NE. Her life almost mirrored mine. Like I was the future she could end up having had she continued the way she was going.

She moved from BC to Calgary to be with her boyfriend. Had no friends here, and their relationship was rocky. I had only met her once and she called me crying because they got in a fight. So I drove from Okotoks to dt Calgary to pick her up and she spent the night at my house. I'd be there to get her whenever they fought.

I took her to get her first sex toys. Me being the sex toy expert and all lol.

She'd come tan with me at crystal shores beach in okotoks. I got her tanning stickers this one time. We would row on the lake. I loved rowing on the lake. We tied our canoes (they kinda look like kayaks but not) together and tried to paddle around. It worked but it was hella funny.

We'd go shoot pool at Schanks down south. My exhusband played with us once. We also had lunch with him and his partner at BP on 17th. They were on duty so I felt kinda cool lol. Carrie didn't like him. She always made me laugh.

She was there for me through my divorce. Summer of '09 she went on a road trip with her ex. Before she left we had a little talk. On accident. I was telling her a question  I asked someone but she thought I was asking her. She said it was hard to hear me talk about guys all the time because she wanted the excitement I had but she was in a crappy relationship. I was newly single, trying to keep busy with dating to push through the hard times.

When she came back, we didn't spend as much time together as we used to. She started nursing school. I got sick.

You know someone will always be your friend when u don't talk to them for months and you just pick up where you left off. That's how we were. Every cpl months we'd get together, have lunch. Grab a coffee, catch eachother up to speed. Whenever we had a guy worth talking about we'd get in touch.

She came with me to get my hood pierced. She was all up in there lol. I was like meh, she's a nurse. She was delivering babies during that time in school and I'm far from shy. She met me at the mall when I was clothes shopping recently, She had an spc card.

The last time I saw her, I didn't exactly have my shit together. She was picking me up to go to the emergency room because I had my period for like 3wks or something stupid. So my doctor said go to the hospital. Anyway when she got to me I was drunk. Ben was feeding me drinks b4. So I had a shower and then we went. I dont exactly remember what happened. I think him and I got into it before he left and I had slammed the door on his face.

That's the last thing she needed to see. Me being a mid day alchi. When she grew up in an alcoholic household.

I had just talked to her not that long ago. She was helping me with stuff to get into school. Cause fuck if I know. My mom took care of my college shit last time and I'm not from here. She said "I am so happy for you and I'm so proud of you. Now I'm crying, I dont know maybe cause I just got my period."

I laughed. Fuck I loved her face.

I've had to deliver the news to a few people. Her other best friend and the exboyfriend she moved out here to be with. They were friends before. So I had to track him down. I tried to find her bf after him and I cant find him. Delivering the news, its hard to do it.. The more they ask, seriously, are you kidding? The harder I cry and I just say unfortunately I wish I was. I can tell them without crying but then you have the questions. How, where, when, was anyone with her,was anyone else hurt. I wasn't sobbing, but I was crying. The sobbing is for when no one else can see me. My other bff wants to be there for me and I just want to push her away.

I cant believe she's gone. I'm going to church here, to pray for her and to cry to god. I'm a fucking mess. The crazy thing was, I knew. I had been thinking about her all the day before. Flipping through her pictures. She was finally happy. She suffered with depression. Life was going so great for her. I have a date and I was like oh, she'd love him. Her bf and him would prob get along great. We could go on a double date. They also met Luke and Kirstyn. I was just so happy at the idea of being able to do that with Carrie. Our first date is scheduled for schanks down south. Has been, since before the accident. I'm still gunna go. Maybe it's a sign. All I know is she's watching over me.

The good die young. I thanked god for making it quick so she didnt suffer. It's all so fresh. Death is the hardest thing to face. I've never lost anyone I was this close with. I mean grandparents yes, but the lived in NY and I only saw them a few times.

My heart is so broken. I feel lost knowing she's not here anymore. I try and push through the pain by blocking it off. I cant anymore. I just have to let myself grieve for her.

She had a rose on her right breast, a dragon fly on her back and the newest tatt, roadrunner and coyote for her father. It said

Never give up, Learn from yesterday,live for today,and hope for tm. I will be getting that tatt'd on me with her Initials C.C.

I will love you till the day I die.

Sunday, December 4, 2011


Every time I wake up and there's snow. I just wanna roll over into someones arms. Make him breakfast. Spend the day cuddling watching movies on the couch in front of the fireplace.

Then cook him dinner, he helps and wraps his arms around me while doing a little slow dance in the kitchen.

Romantic. I've never experienced romance.

I always think about the morning Tim woke up with me. I always wonder what it would be like to spend time with him again. If he's what I thought he was. I always hope one day he'll show up at my door. Whenever I see a black truck, whenever i drive down Edmonton trail, whenever I see someone in construction gear, I think of you.

Dumb to think about him so much, I only knew him for a month. Over a year ago.

I think If I had someone it wouldn't be an issue, but when I'm single I tend to analyze the past a lot.

The good memories hurt too, just reminds me of what I lost. Listen to this song

It's from "The Brave One" sound track. It made me so sad. She was engaged and in love. They got mugged in the park. He was killed and she was beaten so bad she was in a coma for weeks. The scene where they showed her and her fiance making love, and then she lost him. Reminds you of all the pain you've had.

It's hard to let myself cry. I can appear to be completely emotionless for months but eventually it comes out.  Probably cried for a good 20min.

I tried to talk to the primary care giver I was referring to when I was talking to my therapist about what her and I had spoken about. It's hard talking to the person who hurt you the most about what they did. It's not the first time, but it's hard when they try to justify their reasoning. It's not justifiable, I forgave you but I never forgot.

Not the last time but the time before my therapist had asked me what keeps me pushing through the hard times, what keeps me going? I had to take that one home and mull it over. My answer was this "I want the life I deserve. I'm determined to have it" When my best friend back home tells people about me he cries. He's seen my whole life and all he tells people is she's been through so much but she keeps going.

My skin has been hurting for the last two weeks. If someone was to move a strand of hair off of my face, it would hurt. Of course i forget and i rub my eyes and oh yah it hurts. Shower is painful. The joys of my life.

I think I'm gunna go shovel my neighbors walk way, she's blind and her husband is elderly. Amazing to see them together. How much they love eachother.

Ben tried to call me yesterday. Friday I lost it on him and her. I spent the majority of my day in court waiting to see his trial. First time ever at court. I spent time listening to everyone elses case. There are some crazy ass mother fuckers in the world who like to beat the shit out of women. Heard some scary stories. One chick had to escape out the basement window while leaving her kids in the house with him, run to the neighbors and call the cops. One dude showe'd up on his ex's camping trip. Went in her tent and hit her in the face a couple times.

Anyway, turns out my ex friend over exaggerated on the first police statement because she wanted to get him in trouble. Then she amended it but it still wasn't the truth, so she amended it again. She may be charged with perjury. Fuckin serves her right. Then she acts all lovey dovey with him. I met Ben's friend. Another chick he attempted to date but never slept with. Smart woman. We compared notes. There's a lot we didn't know about him. Anyway I was pissed. Ben likes to run his mouth and cause problems. Which is why I cant talk to him about shit. He runs back to the ex friend and tells her. When she gets off the phone with him she calls me.

So she calls to see if I said something to him cause he said I said it. I Lost it. I was like I'm tired of this he said she said bullshit. I'm done I dont need this shit. I want my clothes back. He called. Then he was yelling at me. He said why are you lying. I wasnt, stupid piece of shit. I had forgotten what I was talking about as usual so I asked. What were we talking about? He knows i have a bad memory. He's like what, are you fucking stupid, gunna blame it on your illness again? I was saying something he's like blah blah blah. I screamed said I was fucking done with this shit and hung up on his ass in Jail.

So yesterday he tries to call. I missed the one early in the day. He tried to call after 10 which was weird. I thought they were on lock down after a certain time. I fell asleep with my phone in my hand cause it was on vibrate. He called, vibrating woke me up but startled me and I pushed the wrong button on the phone and disconnected the call lol. Fate intervening?

If I answer it and he yells, I'm going to block his ass next time he calls. I don't need his shit. He's good for nothing anyway. What a psycho.

So this guy on POF messages me this morning "$100 bucks for the panties you're currently wearing." Fucking sicko.

I have a few guys I'm talking to who seem interested and are looking for a relationship.I was asked on 3 dates today. Turned them all down. All cute.  Blah, I cant be asked. All I've wanted was to go on a date. I'm in a mood this weekend. I'm tired of putting myself out there only to get shit on. I'm determined not to sleep with someone I'm not dating. It's pointless. That's what vibrators are for.

Anyway shall try not to spend the day as depressed as I was yesterday.

You know I have no life when I post on here frequently. My bff's, one got back with her ex so he takes up her time. The other one just got her own place and got the dogs from her ex and has a bf. Safe to say I spend a lot of time alone these days. I cant wait to start school.

My new roommates cool. We stay out of eachothers way. He spends most of his time playing video games or watchin sports. I love the new battlefield.  We have cable and two pvrs. I never watch tv. Waste of life watching other people live. I do like movies tho.

Just rambling now. Had to clear my head and write it all down. Today will be a better day.

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

ahh 2 many things

Too many things going on at once. I have a short attention span so I'm losing my mind. My thoughts are so unorganized. I'm all over the place... here's whats going on.

School- So since I'm disabled, when I filled out my loan they obviously ask. The school provides assisted services to the disabled. So I've been trying to deal with that. Turns out I shoulda talked to the dude at the University before filling out my loan... SHIT! I fucked shit up on my loan that I didn't know about. So now with all the documents from the school and another loan application filled out. Hopefully It gets approved in a timely manner. The disability is actually a grant not on my loan. I think up to 2g towards tuition and 8g towards supplies.

So here are the services the disability resource centre requested for me. If approved I will have a note taker, echo smartpen (cool shit, google it) and 25% extra testing time in the testing lab not in class. Based on how I'm doing the testing time can be changed. This is kinda a test run for the disability resources, It may be modified for Fall semseter. They go through a lot of questions in relation to your health and how it's currently affecting you. None of the assistance given to you shows up on your transcripts. It's all private. Obv theres a lot more to it then that. So I was running around all  over campus today, no idea where I was going. Pretty sure I stopped in every other building for directions haha. I needed to pull a Joey and get into the map (friends reference). Anyway there's a lot more too it then that and I've been running around trying to take care of everything. School without supplies or books $5,500 for 3 classes.*gulp ... 7-9 years to go... shit son.

Sleep group- One of the classes I'm taking at the chronic pain centre (my specialists). It's to better improve your sleep. Man, I have to change so many of my habits. Cant smoke, drink, caffeine. Can't be in bed for more then 15min, if u cant sleep you get back up.  If you're having sex it's cool (I obv didnt ask that) but those are the only times you're allowed to be in bed.. I do everything in bed. It's more comfortable then the couch.. We talk about the medications we're on and our current routine we're on. This is an 5 wk course. I have a sleep diary to track my sleep. I let everyone know weed helps with chronic pain and sleep issues. One of the other pills I'm on is a weed substitute, for instance If I go abroad and dont have weed, this should tide me over. It's called Nabilone. Changing my sleep habbits are going to cause more pain for a few months, based on the techniques they want you to use... better spare my friends I'll be a bitch and to stay away lol. Na they usually know when I'm in pain.

I start relaxation group tomorrow.

My mom- had surgery a cpl weeks ago. So I've been dealing with her over the phone while she's all f'd on pain killers. FYI people say some f'd up shit when they are on pills. Another FYI, if you talk to me after I take my sleeping pills anytime before I wake up. I wont remember a thing. Conversations, what I did. I mean it's like that during the day but it's kinda like I black out and I'm on auto pilot. I've been on these pills since I lived in England. Long time, when I first got diagnosed.

My friends have so much drama going on they stress me out. WHY AM I THE GO TO PERSON?! I may be a psycho but everyone comes to me for advice and I never take theirs... sometimes I wish I did.

Therapy- So I had a breakthrough with my therapist. If you know me, I keep my past vague. I hate talking about it. I'll tell you everything but what you need to know lol. Last time she asked if I'd be willing to discuss it with her the next time I saw her. After that apt I rescheduled one because Ben spent the night with me and I'd be damned if I left him in my house unattended (shoulda saw that as a red flag). Second time I f'd it up I was looking at December instead of November. FUCK! So I finally saw her a month later. I try and go every two weeks. I layed it out for her. Was pretty much in tears the whole session. Finally gave her a hug. For a second there she kinda asked if I needed sex addiction therapy. Bahahaha, I was like I've only slept with 10 people. She's like, Ever? I was like yah ( "I was like", I'm such a valley girl, it's annoying) She's like you were faithful your whole marriage. I was like, yah. She seemed relieved hahaha.

So in discussing my past I explained to her the sexual things that happened. It's fucked. How many 7yr olds do you know that have told their parents they're a lesbian? There's a reason I said that but that's besides the point. The physical abuse I faced, the drugs. My sister, her father, my father, my siblings and foster siblings.  My failed marriage and getting sick in my marriage. Moving country to country. Being diagnosed at 22. Moving again and getting sick again. Having been married to a cop and now I date criminals... wtf is that? It's not on purpose. Apparently criminals are hot...

She now has a full picture of why I am the way I am. I get told what a kind gentle loving person I am from her all the time. Just the day before I was on my way to my physio apt and I saw a little old lady struggling to carry a box. So I took it off her hands and walked her to where she needed to go. It's called manners.

Anyway my therapist and I are going to work on my attachment issues and letting people go. Apparently the lack of care and abuse from my primary care giver, has unknowingly caused me to let people hurt me and keep them around because that's all I know. Because that's what it was like with my family. They hurt me and I had to be there. I also dont let people go, because I feel the need to let them know I care and love them as a person and they arent alone. I do it in a psycho way sometimes (working on that). Why I keep Ben in my life. I feel like he's all alone so I want to be there for him but at my expense because all he does is hurt me. Same with my marriage. I couldn't walk away, I wanted to, but he had to be the one to do it. Anyway, my homework is to make a red flag chart. So I can refer to my list, If they fit any of my red flag criteria, cut em loose. One for friends the other for relationships.

Physio- We went over some workouts I do in the gym to make sure I'm not causing any more pain on accident. Turns out I'm awesome, duh didnt u know? :P We did some balance board work. Squats on the balance board. Ouch thighs were sore for sure. Then just my regular physio homework to continue. I was talking to her about primatology she got all excited and told me to read this one book.

Other doctors, they upd my meds, as usual. I'm hoping to come off the sleeping one eventually.

Ben- Still in Jail. He's supposed to have court on Fri but he's being a fucking douche. Fuck his face. I'm tired of him saying he gives a shit but not even making the effort. You want your cat back? I want my $300 and the cost to look after Tobi the cat. As far as I'm concerned he left her here for me to take care of. Now I love her so he cant have her back. I wouldn't be surprised if he stays in Jail for all the shit he's done. The ex friend he slept with and then made his gf  for only 2wks has been contacting me updating me. She gave up on him now after what he did to her. Serves both of them right. I'm still not taking her back. YOU DO NOT FUCK SOMEONE I HAVE SLEPT WITH!!!! Had he not been such a shit head, I probably woulda punched her in the face. She said shes glad the drama has been going on cause she gets to talk to me and she doesnt know what she's going to do when it stops. Cause I wont be talking to her anymore. She sacrafised a lot to be a fucktard and fuck the guy I was sleeping with... I fucking warned her how he was and guess what. He never hit me out of anger, but her.... Anyway, fuck face doesnt give a shit so I'm keeping the cat and not going to visit him in jail. Not like he gives a fuck. He said he was gunna climb my balcony. I'll take the bat to his face. Trust me, I got one after all this shit went down. Fuck em all and that situation. When he stops calling me from jail, that would be nice. I'd block it but i told u how I feel like I have to be there for everyone... he'll stop soon, cause he doesn't give a fuck.

My brother (adopted/foster) is spiraling down hill. He had a suicide attempt a few years ago so I worry about him. He has a son now. He was in school, my nephew was sorted. He was having problems with his woman. He went back for a funeral for his biological grandmother. Now he's thinking about moving to PA, picking them up and going. Wth? He dropped out of school, got a job then lost it... Please please please dont relapse. I love him so much.

My sister, still with her bf in their place. They're doin alright. I don't worry too much about her unless my mom calls me to fill me in on her situation. If I have money, I'll send it. When I first got started I needed help. I know what its like. Glad when  I can help.

I really wish my friends understood my illness better. It's frustrating, I cant do everything everyone else can. Sometimes they don't understand my limitations. It's rare when someone tells me I don't make the effort. I do the best I can, like I said to her. You cant accept me for me, you can walk. I don't get attached to friends easily. All I've done my whole life. Pick up and leave everyone else behind.

The single life- message after message from guys with washboard stomachs and hot faces asking me if I want to hook up. I NEED A FUCKING DATE!! This may be one of the only times I say this but... FUCK SEX! Tired of guys thinking that's all I'm good for. Piss off u fucking twats (acceptable to say in the uk, also cunt in Oz lol). Yes I have long blonde hair, big boobs and a huge ass... but seriously. I try and think of guys as horny dogs. It makes me cut them a little more slack. Whatever. I stay logged on and walk away. I get more messages that way haha. Honestly I'm hoping to meet someone on campus. If not whatevs. Too busy rn. So exhausted. I'm contemplating bed at 7pm.

I'm trying to get my workouts goin. I've done jack the majority of the yr in regards to losing weight.

Well, that's my life right now.

Thursday, November 24, 2011

U of C

Ok, I am so excited to start school. I'm also nervous. I keep thinking, what if I invest all of this money and I cant hack it. What if I wont be able to work full time? Or in the field. I really want to work in the field and travel. Obviously not thinking about what if I had a family when getting into field work. I figure I shouldn't factor that into my career choice, cause who the hell knows if it'll ever happen. What if the career I'm choosing is the wrong one? I keep thinking, once I get started I may not actually have room for someone in my life. School/ Dr's apts/ gym/ medical classes/ friends/ r&r so I don't get sicker.

I've decided who the hell cares. I cant spend my life doing nothing. I hate having nothing to look forward to. The days are so long. Life is boring and I'm wasting precious days I'll never see again.

Tim, looks like he toned up. Nice pecs bud. So I've rated my guys and Tim for sure takes the number 1 spot. 2 is Troy... After2 I cant decide who gets what lol. Tim is 1 cause he's good in bed, good personality, super hot. Plus I think about him the most I think.

I'm about to talk about embarrassing sex stuff so stop reading if u don't want to hear.

I wish I had the opportunity to give Tim a better blow job. Dont laugh at me. I'm not gunna lie, I never really did them before so when I tried I felt like I was doing a shit job and didn't want to do it. Also 69 really distracting. Hard to concentrate on getting you off when all I want to do is enjoy the pleasure. I have now perfected my blowjobs lol. Ok I didn't perfect it, It's not like I went around giving free blow jobs. I also don't give head to all the guys I'm seeing. Only if they're special. I just decided to speak up with someone I was seeing. "Dude, I think I suck at blow jobs, and I don't want to do a bad job and look dumber then I already do." Turned out when I put my mind to it I'm awesome.

Most embarrassing sexual moment... prepare to be slightly grossed out... you know how I have a bad memory right? So i sit to go pee after sex and the tampon box was right in front of me... Oh shit, did I have a tampon in? He would have noticed right? That would explains why it was painful, I just thought I needed more lube... He laughed so hard. How did he not notice? My friends thought it was hilarious. I got some jokes for sure. It's like sliding a hot dog down the hallway. Fuck you guys ok. I know I feel good. Every guy, guaranteed has said how good I feel. I'm in the bathroom trying to see if it's all up in there. Turns out it was. They were like wish we could help and laughed.  I seriously thought I was going to have to go to the hospital to get it removed.  Thank god I got it eventually. I'm a fucking retard.

Troy... bah. It was great to see him. I know that it's pure lust every time I see him. I also know he's not meant to be mine. I didnt sleep with him last time and honestly I dont know If I would again. I'll take some of his cuddles tho for sure.

Got my 6mo STI results back... all clear. I dont make a habit of having unsafe sex. Troy was the last one and it was 6mo's ago. Oh and when I tell you how many guys I've slept with or that I'm not into my male roommate... Trust me, I'm not every other girl. I don't play the field. I don't fuck guy after guy. I turn down hot guys all the time. Oh and I just hate living with chicks. I always want to punch them for being retarded and jacking my shit. I much rather chill, play video games and drink and burn one then paint nails, play fashion show (they really do it, and I hate when the force me to play) and go shopping. Go slip ur heels on while I put on my sk8r shoes... I look cool and I'm comfortable. I wont lie, I have a couple pairs of heels that I whip out when I wanna dress up jeans or wear a dress. Doesn't happen often. Put on a suit and I'll put on a dress. How bout that.

The world is so fucked up. Sometimes it all feels like a bad dream. I dont seem to realize how shitty it is till I'm baked and analyzing life.

Ben is in Jail... probably better off for him and everyone else if he stays there. At the same time I feel bad. I had nothing to do with any of it to be honest. He also has a drug problem, hard to be around that and stay clean. I avoid being around that cause when i'm drunk there's no willpower. I just want to party hard.

I hit on the telus guy fixing my internet cause he was cute, we exchanged numbers and fb... 3am rolls around and buddy tries to hit me up for a booty call. FOR FUCKS SAKES! Of course I shot him down, I was pissed. Wake my ass up at 3am when I don't know you. Ass hole.

After Tim everyone else was pretty dumb. With ridiculous drama in their life. Raising my standards again for sure. Tired of all the losers around. Same with shitty friends. I know I get obsessive over guys and it doesn't appear that I have the ability to cut people out of my life... when I've emotionally detached I'm done. I told Ben to leave me the fuck alone. He didn't. I now understand why I might be perceived as a creepy psycho. Cause I was acting like it for sure before. I grow this un healthy attachment to some guys. I actually feel bad at the same time I still think they're a holes. I've learned, I don't get attached if I don't sleep with them. So, don't sleep with them.

Now that I have guy friends I understand what they want. It helps for sure. Act cool and they always come back. They lose interest when I show I like them. Guess my personality changes. I go from being this cool chick to this needy bitch. That's not me. I do what I want when I want and I sure as hell don't need you.

Dear god, please help me .... with everything... I need direction.

All I keep thinking about is how much I need a vacation and how I'm terrible with budgeting money. I should take a class or something. This is what happens when you were raised by a shopaholic impulse buyer. I really need to go somewhere tropical. I'm hoping I can find a part time job. So I can save to go away for a few weeks next summer. So much I want and so little funds. Car, breast lift, Vacation, Uni.

I have a new cat, her name is Toby. She was Bens.. long story. Completely opposite of Cali.

I really hope my student loan is approved. I just applied for a cc too. I just want to get the ball rolling on my life. Between living in several countries, getting married, getting divorced, getting sick... my life has been at a standstill minus all the drama.

I don't know why I take the weight of the world on my shoulders. If I cut out the drama (men and shitty friends), my life  is pretty simple. I was thinking that, how I like living a simple life. How I'm most content being in nature. Meditation.

I hope I can get involved in some student activities, make new friends, get new hobbies.

Time to start a new path...

Sunday, November 13, 2011

Subscribed readers

Hey if you guys read my blog and are followers please subscribe yourself to my list. It's nice to know my readers. I know I have a few of you that follow my posts. Top right hand corner ^_^  you may all think I'm crazy but I appreciate you reading LOL.

On the plus side to drama drama drama I lost 6lbs due to stress this week. Dont worry I have been eating, just not too much because it's been hard to keep anything down. You shoulda seen me shaking yest. What a mess. Stupid central nervous system problems lol.

Troy was a no show, surprise surprise.

My best friends, childhood best friend had a baby so we're going to the baby shower today. I always wonder what the father looks like when you meet a single parent mom and her child. I wonder what they'll grow up to look like. I couldnt imagine having a child in my early 20's. She's fortunate to have her families support.

My cousin in NJ her best friend died yesterday of a drug overdose. May he rest in peace. His gf also her best friend is expecting her first child, please pray for her. I can only imagine. Sobriety is a daily struggle for people with addictions, no matter how long you've been clean.

I'm doin ok, I've put a guard up right now. Pretty emotionless in regards to everything. Meh, life goes on.

This too shall pass

גם זה יעבור‎‎ (hebrew)

Wednesday, October 19, 2011


Where to start...

I joined the gym, I'm working out at Talisman. Feels so good to be back in the gym. I always forget what a difference it makes with the fybromyalgia. I'd tell u how much I weigh but I'm ashamed. Not like it was a wasted effort, losing all the weight. It's still a setback I should've lost weight not gained weight. I can get back to where I was realistically by xmas. Same place I was last year. I wanna start doing thai chi again. I love it.

I'm trying to get out more. Meet different kinds of people. My girls have me going out one night on the weekend. They never keep me out more then 3hrs cause they know I'll be wiped out. It's been nice to dance, for sure. It's like one of my favorite things. Tho I think i need to learn something new, ass shaking can only get you so far. I'm like the glue that keeps my friends together. It's funny how the dynamics of all of my friendships have changed over the years. I'm glad it did tho, I love my friends.  We finally, finally hit up the Alley, guess what... they loved it. All that bitching for nothing.

One of my friends had me go on a blind date with them. Some dude she met online but was too intimidated by his hotness to go by herself. You know me, I can talk to anyone. So she tells the dude my "boyfriend" broke up with me. As I predicted he tried to cancel but she told him no, cause obviously me coming was the purpose. Buddy bashed me the whole date for being there. Fortunately I'm a good sport. I was like, dude u owe me. It was actually pretty entertaining.

I grabbed a coffee with my ex husband about a week and a half ago to catch up. He's getting remarried next summer. I'm really happy for him. Congrats guys. I wish you the best. Gods honest truth he seemed genuinly happy and thats all I ever wanted for him. We both knew we werent right for eachother and had everything not happened the way it had he might never have found the one he was really meant to be with and I might not have ever had my two best friends who are now family to me.

My love life... fuck me

So much shit happened with Ben I don't even know where to begin. It turned out to be pretty fucked up to be honest. All I'm going to say is that it hurts to think about him or talk to him. He's been texting me but I haven't responded. I figure if he really cares, which he doesn't.. he knows where I live. I have to learn to let go at some point. It's pointless caring about people who don't care about themselves or me. I felt like he was letting me in, he actually cried in front of me. It's too fucking complicated. It's so hard not to talk to him but it's pointless. He's probably just bored.

Everyone is testing my willpower this week. I quit Ben and he keeps texting me, I quit smoking again and I tell my gf and she's like fuck that ur coming for a smoke. Then I leave the gym and my other friend goes to Timmies and gave me shit for not getting anything. Dudes... I'm trying not to falter and it's so hard with all these temptations... I just gotta make it a week and then it'll be smooth sailing.

I'll find someone eventually. Why was Tim the most normal one? That's what I'm looking for. That's probably why he left, cause he was sane lol. I creep his pof. He's a cutie, no washboard stomach but it doesn't bother me. He's got big muscular arms. I could've cuddled with that guy all day long. It's been a year this month... yah I think it's pretty clear I'll never see him again lmao. At least he values my opinion even if he doesn't talk back.

My therapist is trying to break down the wall I put up. Parts of my past are starting to creep into my present. Things I buried away and never talk about with anyone. Here's the problem, I don't remember a lot of my childhood and I don't associate things with past issues until I dream about it and I connect the dots. Also I still don't want to talk about it.. with anyone.. which is why I haven't.

 A lot of weird situations have come up lately... like life is testing me to see if I'll make the same mistakes twice... fuck that!

I'm getting a St Jude pendant, patron st of lost causes. I think that suits me. My second cousin is sending it to me cause she's awesome. Plus I'm pretty sure they're Catholic.

I need some excitement... dear god please send someone new into my life who is spontaneous, trust worthy, sane, and happy, if it's a romantic interest add attractive and affectionate. Amen.

Monday, September 19, 2011


Aish was approved. They're back paying me to April. EI just came through. I got my clit pierced, hurt. I'm applying at U of C, I met with the guidance counselor.

I'm not seeing Ben anymore. He made up some BS excuse and accused me when he was the guilty one. Said he wanted to be friends then treated me like crap. I deleted him from FB and have every intent at ignoring him if he tries to contact me. No matter how much I want to see him. I spent so much time with him during those 2.5 weeks. He acted like we were together. Totally hurts, couldn't get out of bed Saturday night. Cried so much. My best friends came over to console me. I feel like I need to cry td but It wont come out.

I never feel adequate enough for anyone. I'm so hard on myself all the time. I have very high expectations of myself, that I'm not meeting. Doesn't help that he judged me and had no right to given his background.

I have to have an emergency ultrasound today, I was bleeding for over 14 days and they had to give me pills to stop it. Sometimes I wonder why god put me on this earth to give me so many health problems? It's either a hormonal problem, thyroid, or a growth in my womb. They did a pregnancy test which was negative, which is exactly what I expected since I would have been knocked up nearly 5 mo's ago. I'll update u on the results.

Saturday, September 10, 2011

Letting go...

I dreampt about Tim. We had this long conversation. I dont think I've ever dreampt about him.

I have to let him go. It's been a year next month. What I dont understand is why he doesnt block me. Why does he still read the messages I send him?

I was talking to my mom about it. She knows about all the guys I've slept with. I was telling her all I want to do is let him go but I dont know how. Every time I start something new with someone I think about Tim. I dont understand why I liked him so much. That morning he woke up with me.. I wish for that a lot. I also wish it never happened. If I didn't like him before then I liked him after that.

I just want to be able to wake up to someone roll over and snuggle. I just wanna feel loved. I feel so lost. I've been single for 2.5yrs now. It makes me feel like something is wrong with me.

I really hope things go the way I want them to when I head over to UofC this week. I haven't been able to move forward with my life. Thats all I want. To feel like I'm achieving something.

Here is my goal. I'd like to go back to school. I'd like to get a gym membership again. I'd like to volunteer my time at an old folks home as a companion and read to them or play a board game. Something to feel like I'm helping someone and making a difference in this world. I see little old people wandering around all the time struggiling by themselves. It would be nice if they had someone to count on. Fuck their useless family members who dont care about them.

If I lose a lot more weight by next summer, I'd like to get a breast lift and reduction. I'm aiming for a solid C cup. E to a C i dont think thats too bad. Obviously as long its proportionate for my body.

Flights back home are 337 right now. I wanna book a trip. I need to invest in some new clothes. I'll be damned if a man has a better fashion sense then I do. Stupid lulus.

I've seen Ben 5x in the last week. I think thats pretty good. Knowing my luck, I doubt he wants anything. I dont know if he is who he says he is either. I'll give him the benefit of the doubt because I dont know him. I'm getting a colective opinion and my girls dont think he is. My friends have met him already. Niki, Kirstyn and Mara. They all get along with him. I asked my bestfriend what she thought. She said he's not boyfriend material. I was like why because I shouldnt date him or because you dont think he'll want to be. She said both. Shes probably right. He doesn't give off the boyfriend vibe. Probably just end up as someone else I've slept with. Nothin special... I dont want to waste my time with fuck buddys anymore. He doesnt kiss like I do, he's aggresive. He can be really gentle too. I dont know, it turns me on just thinking about him. Which doesnt happen often.... Grr, ok next time I see him I'm gunna see if he wants to do something other then hang at my place and that will be the verdict. He held my hand in front of my friend. Doubt it means anything but it really made me happy.

He was giving me shit for not working. I guess next time he says hows job hunting going I'll have to say I'm not looking for a job. He wont understand. I wont tell him about Aish or my disability unless he's sticking around.

It's my bestfriends 21st this weekend. The one person who loves me unconditionally. I've been up pretty late the last two weekend. I'm knackered.

I just dont care anymore....

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Thank you God

Just had the biggest blessing. Aish approved me. It's such a relief.

Remind me If Shawn trys to talk to me ever again to tell him to go fuck himself. I hate that guy.

Ben... I dont know. I liked him till he talked about hooking up with my friend... not cool. Dunno if hes bein serious or if he's just trying to get a rise out of me. Fuck my trust issues man. Way to make me like you less. At least I'm keeping it real. Who knows, I'm just getting to know him right. I think he's made it crystal that I'm prob just gunna be some chick to him. I really need to start hanging out with dudes who actually take me on dates. I just need to try not to get emotionally invested in this one, so I dont get hurt when he fucks off like the rest of them.

I do give him props for making an effort to see me tho. He's spent a fair bit of time with me, which is nice. Pops in by surprise. I know I'm being insecure. I just feel like I'm never good enough for anyone. That I'm not beautiful. I've just been made to feel ugly and useless by so many people. No matter how many of my friends tell me I'm beautiful I just cant see it.

Can I not just find someone who genuinly likes me and only me?

I'm in such a shitty mood. Fuckin in pain for the last week and a half.

Hoping things finally fall into place and I catch that much needed break.

Monday, September 5, 2011

Oh Fall

Love fall hate winter. Stupid winter is coming, I dont mind the snow but I hate the ice and the freezing temps, If I had a car I would hate driving in it too.

Soooo I spent some time with this dude named Ben last week. He's cool, I like him. Hope I get to spend more time with him. He's had an interesting life. The older I get the crazier peoples stories get. Including mine. He seems to be really honest, which I like. Tuesday he came over, we watched a movie, he met my best friend Kirstyn. He didn't try anything, I told him I wasnt looking to hook up. Couldnt really tell if he was into me. I mean I kinda thought but didnt want to assume. Cause he wasnt really coming onto me. He did tell me I'm gorgeous. He makes me smile. We kissed bye at the door.

I was totally thinking how awesome it would be if he came over the next morning and gave me cuddles... sure enough the next morning he asked if he could come crawl into bed with me... Totally made my week. He's so funny, he makes me laugh. "I'm cereal you guys" u had to be there. He's sweet too. I was having a smoke in my stoop, and he just rubbed my shoulders. I'm trying not to get my hopes up with seeing him again but I hope I do. He has the prettiest eyes. I try not to be so insecure with myself but its hard. I'm just trying to play it cool and see what happens. I'm trying not to talk about him a lot with my friends. I'm not telling them everything either. I figure if he sticks around I'd like there unbiased oppinion.

Oh and he has the best wardrobe of anyone I've seen. Lulu sweats, DC hoodies, DC shoes, sweet ball caps. Kinda wish his lip was still pierced. Thats hot. I feel like I need to be hotter standing next to him... fuck I need new clothes... an income first damnit.

Friday morning at 4am I got a text from my mom saying she was calling 911. She had to take a ambulance to the hospital. I stayed on the phone with her till they got there. Fuuuuck! My step dad is in Egypt for the last few months. My brothers phone was off, so she was all by herself. I had to call my sister and let her know mom was in the hospital. I had like no sleep that day. My mom has me as her executive so If anything happens to her I make the call. She's a DNR and she knows if it came down to it I would be the one to respect her wishes. When she had her gastric bypass something went wrong and she almost died. My step dad gave her a blood transfusion and she was pissed. It's her personal belief. I fully believe that its your life. We all die any way. If you dont want to prolong it then dont. If I was ever in a coma, two weeks is all I want to be kept on life support. If I cant stay alive on my own, let me go in peace.

Anyway, turned out to be her heart. She had a blood clot in the arttery that pumps blood out of her heart. The non invasive procedure worked, so far. So they dont need to operate right now. Thank god. She's home now. I had like 4 hrs of sleep that whole day and then I went out at night cause i promised my bestie. I didnt get to bed till like 5am. That never happens. Safe to say my body is paying me back. I gotta go do it again next weekend cause its her 21.

OMG I LOVE THE YOUNG MONEY CD. Listen to Shanell-Play in my Band ft Lil Wayne. "I'm a fuck her face off, fuck her waist off,... " and "Can you make me sound like the strings you're playin?"

What a week.