-85lbs BABY!!!

I have officially lost 85lbs, all of my marriage baggage is gone just in time for the new year. I officially weigh less then I did when I met my ex in 2004. 15lbs to go!!! HELL FUCKING YEAH!

Dear ex husband, cause I know you're going to read this u creeper lol. Thank you for setting me free. It's the best gift you ever gave me.

In regards to it being the holidays. Doesn't mean much to me, I haven't had a real xmas with my family since 2002.

Big shout out to my sister her bday was yesterday. HAPPY 21 BDAY BABY SIS!!! WISH I COULDA BEEN THERE!! She can now go to the clubs when my friends and I go out. She doesn't really drink tho cause she's epileptic.

Clean Slate for the new year. Every pound I loose this next year is a new number I've never seen b4. I'm leaving the men I've had in my life this year behind. Goodbye Jamie, Brad, Shawn and Tim. Brad and Tim you guys meant a lot. Unfortunatly due to this mistreatment I've had; this good girls gone bad, and I kinda like it. "Once a good girl's gone bad, she's gone forever." Brad and Tim. I'll miss you guys. You'll probably hear from me on you're bdays but that'll be it. Tim, what I wouldn't give for another go ;P can u wear ur toolbelt and hard hat? haha. Anyways peace out guys xoxoxo good luck with everything.

My sister is seeing someone. I'm happy for her. She was so bummed out when I saw her last. Her bestie was moving, she had no man, no job, no school. Just her art. Well she's in school, made new friends, she met a guy in school. He took her out for dinner and a movie for her 21 bday. I'm really happy for her. She's not like me. She doesn't sleep with guys when she likes them. So she'll probably have a more successfull relationship then I manage to have..

My bestie told me I should just look for a guy on pof on intimate encounters. I just can't bring myself to do that. I changed my profile for women back to one for men tho to be honest. I don't have much interest at the moment and I have no sex drive so there u go.

I was so bummed the other day. My friend gave me a present then I saw my bestie and she gave me the best card ever. There were two old ladies on the front cover bantering "do you remember this" "no do u remember this" "No, do u remember..." Then on the inside it had a bunch of dumb quotes we used to make up for facebook when were hanging out and dumb things we did. Heres a few ...

"Walking the yellow brick line" this did happen

Me: "I fell of the ET ride" what really happened
her: "she tripped out and fell off the bench and rolled down the hill" this didn't actually happen. Well I did trip out but I didn't fall off the bench.

"Bush fucking bush, tree" Instructions to our top secret hangout spot

Her: "Elli why did u throw the muffin out the window"
Me: "The muffin was invading my space, it needed to exit the vehicle"

Fuck wish I could remember the rest but of course she told me the whole time she was writing it out she was laughing and everyone asked what she was doing. "Writing a card to my bestie." I read the card and nearly pissed myself. You wanna know what I'm really like? Let's go on an adventure and light one, good times are bound to follow.

Unfortunatly my memory failed me and I left not only my present but my card at the train station. I coulda cried. I was so upset about my stupid fucking memory. I'm hoping lost and found has it even if it's just the card. I don't care. Probably not but lets have faith it's xmas. Both friends know what happened.

Oh my new roommie is so cute. I woke up and he had filled the spice wrack. Then he fixed our ghetto ass shower. It had a hanger holding up the head. You can tell he's a type a personality. Haha we'll see how well that goes. I met his Aussie friend Laura yesterday. She's a cutie.

Xmas plans xmas eve going to Jill and Brandons and doing dinner and secret santa. Xmas day haven't decided but probably get a small bottle get trashed stumble downstairs have xmas dinner then stumble back up stairs back to my little hole and watch movies all day. Anyway time to get crackin. Happy Holidays to my homies.

Tuesday

Quick update ... these are some pics i took of me the night of the party. Better ones are to follow. had my physio apt yesterday, almost puked on her table. Nausea awful. Back fucking ridiculous. Saw the social worker. They don't want me taking public transit, I'm too sick for that. They have alternative means that u don't need to know about. They may want me to leave my job in the new year. They think I'm doing too much and aish may not approve me cause I'm working the 15 hrs. So if that's the case bye job. They know I only work just to get by and honestly I'm having a hard time keeping on top of things. My boss pissed me off today, trying to tell me I'm not disabled. REALLY THATS THE ONLY EFFING REASON I WORK 3 HRS A DAY!!! WHAT DO U THINK I'M LAZY?! DO I GIVE OFF THAT IMPRESSION?! I was pissed, and no i don't give off that impression, I work my ass off and she knows it. Which is why i didn't get in trouble for bitching her out last week. She had nothing to say about it. She tried to rub my back later and I asked her not to touch me. I was in serious pain so the lightest touch hurt.

Anyway I had a random day. After work I met up for coffee with my adopted mom from England. She's ex British police and her husband is a cop. So I go to sit down and oh guess who I see? 2 other on duty cops that I know with another one of their cop friends. So had a lovely hr and a half coffee with 2 of my cop buddies a new cop I didn't know, my adopted mom and another one of cop wives friends. It's weird, that life feels like another lifetime ago. I don't really talk to the rest of them on a regular basis. My life is so different then it used to be, I'm not a homemaker anymore, and who really wants to hear about my medical treatment. I don't go into detail with a lot of people.

ok gotta go. Makin lasagna and I feel blah.

Too close to home

You wanna know what my life is like? Go see the movie Love and other drugs. It depicts how my relationships work based off my health. I cried.

Here's what my life is like ... I work 15hrs a week to bring in around $700 that covers rent, bus pass (barely) and the little bit of food I can afford. I can't afford my medication. That's how broke I am. I'm trying to get help with that. When my family asks how I am it's hard to tell them with a smile on my face that I'm getting by. I try and stay positive so they don't worry. I called my mom balling in November. I think it scared her a little bit. I don't really cry these days. Last winter my family was really there for me. I was battling with depression because of the new illness and it was my first holiday season alone, divorced and without my family. I went from my 2g a month salary to this. It's a little hard to handle.

I like to think I'll get better. The reality is there is no cure to fybromyalgia and the face pain is spreading to the other side of my head. Right now I just spend my time trying to live. I made a decision that even though my life may be limited I still want to live it to the best of my abilities. My memory is getting worse. I have to document everything and keep everything in the same spot otherwise I'll loose things. I get very upset and frustrated when I lose things. My friends are constantly here for my bouts of depression. The days where I cant get out of bed they come over to just talk to me and lay with me. They've admitted it's hard to see me in that much pain.

Some days I can't even hold my hair brush. I have to keep my hair up in a bun cause I can't brush it. You know why I burnt my stomach the other day? Because my wrist gave out on me. My hand shook and I spilt water all down the front of me. I almost cried. Not from the pain, I was ashamed that I couldn't hold my goddamn cup of water. After the movie I told Brenda one of the reasons my ex gave me for not wanting to be together.. He didn't want a wife who was sick. The reason he wanted to see me the other weekend is because he wanted to say sorry for not being there for me when I was in the hospital. He didn't want a wife who was sick, so he didn't come to the hospital with me. The first time he came to visit me. I had to go back again and again and he didn't come. I could go into more detail about our fucked up relationship but I wont. I appreciated the apology from him and his girlfriend.

If I don't scare a guy with the idea of having someone to cuddle and spend the night with.. I scare them off with being sick. Can you imagine what it's like for me to have to tell someone I'm seeing that I'm sick? I decided that I'm not going to let anyone stick around long enough to hurt me. If I sleep with someone I'll kick them out after, or get dressed and leave. There wont be any falling in love for this chick. I am not getting my heart broken when I tell them I'm sick. I'm not investing in that much emotion. This isn't an easy decision to make, it actually makes me want to cry. If I find someone worth keeping around well then they'll just have to figure out how to break through my barrier. This is pretty much what that movie is about with some crazy humor. I wouldn't mind having Anne Hathaway's sex life in that movie tho. That's what I'm talking about.

Sometimes I feel like I'm going to be alone forever.

I am glad I got the chance to tell Brad over the phone everything. I'm very grateful that he called. That was very mature of him. Took him long enough lol.

Thank god for the scene card I forgot I had. Free movies, YAY! I'm seriously going to buy it when It comes out. It does help that I'm not the only one going through this. I go through a lot of the emotions she goes through in this movie.

My posts will not be as frequent as of this week. I wont have a comp or internet at home anymore. Laptop broken (on roommates who's moving) and Internet can't afford. I'm really hoping my new roommate has a video game console random I know but I could do with some mindless entertainment.

I think Sun is going to be a day of sleep. Sounds good to me.

Inspiring Others

http://blog.goodlifefitness.com/?p=1215


Check it out!!! On Goodlife Fitness's website!

RIP JASON

RIP my friend. "If tears could build a stairway and memories a lane, I'd walk right up to heaven and bring you home again."

He died at the age of 28 leaving behind a little boy. Please pray for his family.

Alcohol abuse, he didn't want to be here anymore and I understand why, it's a cruel world. His life was stolen and he will be missed. He was too young.. it's not fair. I'm glad I had the opportunity to meet him and our bullshitting always made me laugh. I wish I had the chance to get to know him better. I wish I could be there for my mom and his family.

I could use a cuddle and maybe a shoulder.. shaping up to be a rough week.

Oh Monday how I loathe you.

I could so use a cuddle and a back rub right about now, I'm so crabby. My roommate said he likes when I smoke I'm not so irritable. My response ... I like me when I smoke too, it's cause I'm in pain and I haven't gotten laid and I have no patience..

This last week kicked my ass. Cut my knuckle open, I burnt my stomach with boiling water from the kettle (nice big burn mark too)the same day I did that my colleague slammed my hand into the drawer.. compared to the burn it didn't hurt so bad, had a cat climb up my leg, then I fell on ice and of course I was more concerned about my baby phats getting ruined then my injury. I think my pain threshold is getting higher .. time for a new tat or piercing I think haha.

I got a comment on one of my facebook pics from my Bestie Jason. I have a lot of Besties I'll tell u in a min. So he said "seriously liz, i cry sometimes when i tell your story cause i'm so proud of you:D you are gorgeous (and now I don't have to add that little disclaimer on the end like i used too:D)" The little disclaimer he's talking about ... "You're so pretty for a plus size girl" Now he doesn't have to say for a plus size girl. I'm almost out of the plus sizes YAY! I'm fortunate I hold my weight throughout my whole body. The rest of my family holds it all in their stomach and face unfortunately.

Ok so my Besties ... I'm the girl who has always had a lot of friends but these are some of my closest.

Jason - Gay bestie in Cali 11yrs (org cali)
Sarah- she was fun ;) 13yrs Utah (org Cali)
Vell- Carebear giver 11 or 12 yrs Japan (org cali)
Deb- Old boss/bestie I partied with 3.5 yrs (England)
Kirstyn- ex colleague 2yrs (Calgary)
Niki- ex colleague 2yrs (Calgary)
Jill- friend of a friend 6 mos (Calgary)

Was up at 4.30 td so I could get a workout in b4 work. Always an hr of cardio. If I could actually get my ass out of bed when my alarm goes off that would be awesome. I should set it for 3.30 and then maybe I'd get out of bed at the right time lol. Never used to hit snooze. I always end up working more hours then I'm paid. U know what, people need to stop messing up my shit. Of course I'm always really nice to them. It's been better since the last meeting we had but Mondays are always the worst cause I have 3 days worth of work to do in one day. I hate when they mess up my stuff and it doesn't balance. Seriously this next year is all about focus. I'm trying to get into personal training and to become a fitness manager. I talked to the regional td and he gave me some tips. He's freakin ripped. He asked who my trainer was cause we were talking about the party. I told him no trainer. The look on his face ... it was an awesome feeling. I told him it's taken me a while tho nearly a year and a half. He was like "that's still pretty solid tho." He teaches one of the courses so when I finally get some dosh I'll take it. He's coming to my party. I know half of my friends in Calgary will come.

If any of my readers who live in Calgary or Edmonton want to come u totally should. I know there are a few on here who are local. I'll post the details on here when I get them. It would be cool to meet u guys. Thank god for my stats report lol.

I'm in the process of makin dinner.. Baked chicken with rosemary and thyme, mashed potatoes and brussel sprouts. You know what I miss, cabbage and yorkshire pudding. I've had the weirdest cravings this week it's french toast and last week it's cheddar popcorn. I never eat either lol. Tho I tell ya I'll be making some french toast as soon as I remember to pick up cinnamon. If this is all random it's cause I decided to have some alcohol tn and now I'm drunk (cheap drunk). I rarely drink, usually every few weeks. Tho when Tim was around it was every time he was here. I was nervous. For some reason I get really nervous when I'm sleeping with someone new. I'm a spaz, I shouldn't even attempt to be sexy cause I'll just look like a tard. My roommate moves around the 15th of the month. I had a chick look at it yest and I have an aussie dude looking at it tn. Right now I'm in my roommates room, he's in the living room and he's working on getting a sander to do the floors in my room at the landlords request.

I was talking to my friend the other day who has fybromyalgia and she has memory loss too. It's called fybro fog. It fucking blows added with the memory loss from the added pain (apparently common). Now that I'm in the other room it's messed with my routine. I don't know where anything is. I dont know where my calendar is so I cant write the usual down.. who I've seen and what I've done. So I'm constantly confused and can't find things. If I can fix my memory I might apply to UofA next year to get a dietitian degree. We'll see.

My friends 30th was fun. Her brothers are hysterical. One was trying to make up an excuse to tell his wife so he can go to vegas lol. Orange shag.. that had me laughing for ages.I don't remember what I said to her parents (I hate meeting peoples parents). I know I talked to her dad about his ferrari's. I talked to random people I now need to ask who they were' Dude at my party seriously I'm gunna try and get name tags. It's so bad as soon as someone tells me their name I forget it. Sometimes I get all awkward trying to remember their name. Fortunately I knew some of these people before the memory loss.

Everyone keeps trying to get me to move home. I don't know why they bother. My dad was like "why did u have to move so close to the north pole?" I've thought about Maine,North Carolina, Hawaii, US Virgin Islands. Somewhere by the ocean. Eventually I need to be by the sea. Surfing and sailing ... on my bucket list with add to do's. Just taking it a day at a time.

Hahahaha oh so the other day my friend texts me "OMG BRAD JUST CALLED ME AND ORDERED A TAXI" she told me all the things she wished she could have said. Who knows if it was really him but she said it was from his apt complex 17th floor. I was like dude kill him with kindness. I'm not in the business of being mean to people. Haha she said by next year she'll have a list of guy's ass's to kick and Brad will be at the top. Ok I have to stop typing. I say exactly what's on my mind when I drink.


... Long pause...

OK so I think I just found my next roommie. Aussie guy was awesome. Talked for ages. Fingers crossed!!!!! Ok showing a house when ur drunk ... not so easy. Haha I think he knew but it's all good. He wants to take it, he said. Who wouldn't I'm awesome and the place from the inside is cool. Ok i'm so done with my blog tn I'm too drunk for this and spell check is getting complicated. PARTY WITH THE AUSSIE HELL FUCKING YEAH!!!

ps. I just reread this shit drunk and I don't know how u guys do it LOL.

230

AHHHHH!! I hit 230 yesterday!!! About fucking time. My first goal is almost achieved 227. After that it's 213, my 100lb weightloss. Then 199. It's so close I can feel it 31 lbs. I was gunna have a little party at home but now it's turned into this big deal at work. Were gunna have a huge party invite all clubs from Calgary and my manager is trying to get a banner of me made up and hang it from the second floor in Superstore at Deerfoot meadows so everyone can see it and come to the party. Now I get this is for marketing but I don't even care. It serves a bigger purpose getting people to join the gym. It's about getting people into a healthier lifestyle. If I can do it anyone can.

I was in such a shitty mood when I woke up wed. I thought it would be a good idea to pof Tim and tell him how dumb he's being and to stop spazing cause I didn't ask him for anything and blah blah. The usual, pretty much. I wasn't even drunk, I don't even have an excuse. Anyway point is I was pissed wed cause he deleted it. I felt dumb for sending it anyway. I mean it's good that he read it but I'm not dumb. I'll never see him again. It's my own fault I was just a piece of ass. One and only time I've done that, tho I thoroughly enjoyed the time spent with him, now that it's done I feel cheap. So I wont be repeating this with anyone else. So to work off my mad I kicked my own ass at work 1hr 30min work out then a body flow class after work. Next day I took a combat class, I love that class, it's intense.

I've come to the conclusion that every guy I've ever slept with has turned out to be a total fucking prick. I'm totally holding out.. I haven't been with many people and Tim would be the last. I'm taking a break. I've been on a few dates since Tim and I felt nothin and I was bored. I had some really fucked up dates recently actually. Had to escape at the flames game. Felt hella bad and wanted to see the game cause it was my first time but I don't use people so I bailed. He hates me, but he shouldn't have been so pushy. First time I met the guy and he tried to stick his hand in my pocket to hold my hand. Fuck that, what a creeper. I told him we shoulda met first, I didn't even want to go with him. Follow gut instinct!! He's just mad cause I wasn't into him. He asked what I thought of him at the game (awkward) I told him he's not my type but I wouldn't mind being friends with him. Whatevs, u try and be nice and ur still a bitch so I don't care. I had a nice freezing cold walk home.

Honestly there aren't very many people I've had a spark with..

There was Bryan, who I never slept with. He loved me. I was 18 my mom is so embarrassing, we all went for lunch and she asked him if he loved me. He said he did and he used to tell me all the time. When I was leaving California he asked me not to go... said he'd stop doing drugs.. I didn't believe him so I left. I cried in my moms arms over that one. I tried to help him and get him to come up to Washington to finish school and start college. I promised him when I left I'd be back to visit in 6yrs. I pulled that number out of my ass. I came back after 4yrs tried to find him.. couldn't find him. Came back at 6yrs and by fate I ran into him. We spent some time together, he spent the last night I was there with me (still didn't sleep with him). I was really proud of him. He was doing good. Working full time, had his own place. I didn't find out until my last trip home when I couldn't find him that he was still using. It made me really sad. That drug is so hard to kick.

There was Brad. We didn't spend a lot of time together at all. For some delusional reason I liked him a lot. There was a spark, instantly at least for me. The last time I saw him it was perfect. My friends didn't think he was cute (pic) but I was totally attracted to him. I'm thinking about inviting him to my 100lb party. Doubt he'll come but he can bring his gf along. If I can deal with meeting my ex husbands gf I can deal with meeting Brad's.

Then there was Tim ... I called that one. To be honest other then the way he left he was good to me when he was here. I'll never forget that first kiss. His hand was on the side of my stomach, he kissed my shoulder (love, love love that, I get shivers), then my mouth. He was always so gentle with me. Brush my hair out of my face so gently so he could kiss me. I think he got spooked. I think he thought I wanted more. Which is true, but I wasn't asking for it yet. I still wanted to get to know him. He's actually very beautiful. He was the most masculine out of all of the guys I've ever dated. After Brad I decided I liked my men Tall with some meat on em and some muscles of course. I like masculine men, a lot! I like feeling small and girly and I like being the submissive one. Believe me I can dominate but I'd rather not.

Now I didn't have a spark for my ex husband, no instant attraction. I did love him tho. My friends tell me when I meet the one I'll know. Well I thought I knew before but I guess I was wrong. Relationships shouldn't be so complicated and right before I walked down the isle I hesitated. My friend said with the right one you wont hesitate. So if I have hesitation with any guy I date I should stop seeing them, cause I usually do? I have a fear of commitment ... I would however have taken it slow with Brad and Tim because I liked them. Jumping into a relationship would trip me out. Though if I'm seeing someone and I like them I'd want it to be exclusive.


Today's my gf's 30th. Should be fun. Oh it was Thanksgiving the other day. Called my g-ma and my aunt was there. She gave me a lecture about posting private things on FB. Child please ... I don't give a shit what people think, if they dont like it then they don't need to be on my facebook and no one is going to fire me over my fb status's. The career path I'm choosing is all about the pr. To be honest I'm not really close to my extended family. I've maybe seen them a little over a handfull of times in my life. They dont ever call to say whats up. Most of them are uptight and need to take a chill pill. If I can't talk freely to people who are my own blood it's pointless trying to make a relationship last. I'm not important to them. My grandma is good though. She checks up on me from time to time.

I talked to a family member the other day who keeps steadily gaining weight. It makes me want to cry especially since they had a gastric bypass almost died lost all the weight then gained it back. IT IS A SLOW SUICIDE .. YOU ARE KILLING YOURSELF .. OPEN YOUR EYES BECAUSE I LOVE YOU AND I WANT YOU TO LIVE A VERY LONG TIME.

Denial is a persons worst enemy.

My dad and my Trini gma called. She hasn't lost her Caribbean accent. They want to see me. Hoping to surprise my dad for his 50th. I'd like to see them. They were talking about coming to visit, but I wont bank on that. People aren't dependable.

Oh I forgot ... I met my physio this week. Took two hours to look at my spine and neck and to discuss injurys I've had to my spine. Was kinda embarrassing to admit to car surfing and injuring my tailbone she asked how in regards to the tailbone. Truth or dare lol. I was such a dumb ass. I will never car surf or run on ice again, I will also not jump into a pool that is starting to ice over and then proceed to get into the spa. However the dare to make my gay bestie run around the cold ass pool butt ass naked ... priceless. Anyway as I suspected my spine might be the cause of all of my problems. I've booked the next 3 apts with her already. This sounds promising. I also had a review at work and it went awesome.

Anyway I'm gunna go day dream about the last man who was in my life.. and then I'm gunna enjoy my day with friends. Have a great weekend everyone :)

More pics

These are the pics from my photoshoot. They won't all fit on the last post so I'll give u somemore. I think I look gross in the black outfit but I'm gunna post it any way. Weight loss purposes right?!

Those jeans with the cat on the back ... MY GOAL JEANS!!! BABY PHAT YO!

Not Selling Myself Short

I deserve to be treated exactly how I would like to be treated. I won't sell myself short again. I will be holding out on sex in the future. I'm at a crossroads. I can be the girl who sleeps with whoever, whenever. I'm not like that though. As i've said before sex means something to me. I've made my profile on pof unsearchable. I just can't do it anymore right now. I hate when guys i'm interested in leave. Now I know it's not all me. I know that they have life goals and a certain path they want to take. I also get that they are just not that into me and we didn't click. See me, I give people I'm interested in a chance to get to know them. Sure there are annoying things they do, but I weigh out my options. Could I live with this behavior for the rest of my life? If I'm seeing a guy and I can't picture myself marrying them or having kids with them, I will not sleep with them. I'm not in a rush to get remarried or have kids. I wouldn't mind having my first child by the time I'm 30.

Fortunately for me I have a back up plan... it's called my sexy gay best friend. He gets all jealous when I talk about having babies and it's not his future baby I'm talking about. It's cute.

So I'm taking a break from men and throwing myself into getting healthy. More exercise more doctors stuff going on. I'm nervous, but they're really going to try and help me. It's gunna be a long slow process. Hopefully it makes a good impact on my life. As of Monday my friend and I are getting back into our routine. She's like you're my inspiration so you have to keep going. The lady from marketing messaged me back she said something along the lines of "WOW, This is incredable. We'll get in touch with you before we go ahead and use it in out PR" AHHHH! It's gunna be used!!! I'm going to be used to market. How fucking exciting is that?! I hope it's cool. I can't wait to see how it gets used.

Ok so everyone who knows me know's I'm funny. I make everyone laugh and I say and do dumb shit, sometimes on purpose. So we are at our work meeting last week and my manager tells everyone to take some M&M's but not too many. I pass the bag along and didn't take any. I say "I know how this shit works, I've seen the biggest loser" Everyone starts cracking up one of my friends even snorted "Elli ur too funny." Unfortunately I was forced to take one which lead to eating more M&M's then planned haha.

My friend at work, the one who said I was an inspiration. She says to me you just keep pushing through and fighting. Your weight loss and health my financial circumstances. I told her the only reason I do is because I have nothing else to live for other then myself. If I didn't have that I'd have nothing. So I keep on pushing through to make myself happy. Of course my life is shitty from an outsiders perspective. I had everything then I lost everything. Losing everything caused me to find me. My strength. If God can bring you to it he can bring you through it.


I want this tattooed down the back of my spine אֱלִישֶׁבַע it's my name in Hebrew. Elizabeth translated in Hebrew is Elisheva meaning "God's Promise". I know this because I was raised Jewish until I was about 8. I am god's promise... I will not sell myself short for anything less then I deserve. Time to get crackin.

Taking a break from dating

I can't figure out how to close my pof. So I'm taking a break from it. I just went out with this guy named Brad. Not Brad the original Brad the II as I call him. You can't beat the original. I totally bailed on the date and he took me to a flames game. I felt so bad. I warned him I'm kinda skiddish. I don't like to be pressured. He turned out to not even be my type. I only saw a side profile pic. It was just a fucked up situation. I'm done dating tho.

I either get creeps or douche bags. This dude was both. I'm not going into detail. I wish I could figure out how to delete my stupid account. I don't have the energy for these games.

I had my two hour doctors apt today. It was extensive. We spent about 45min going over my health history. Then the other hour and a half doing a physical and talking about options. The apt went over 2hrs. It wasn't a regular physical. They test my reflexes, they test my flexibility. They rub cotton on my skin and poke me with a safety pin. I had my eyes ears and mouth checked. Did u know they make a marijuana pill. That's what the dr said. I didn't know that, that's interesting. I may need injections. I have to see the physio therapist the psychologist the social worker and the kinseolgist. Then in the new year I'll see my doctor again and they can determine the treatment they want to proceed with. It's pretty much process of elimination when it comes to medicine and treatment. They wont be able to get rid of the pain they are just trying to minimize it. I have a bunch of classes I have to go to too.

All I want is someone who can chill the fuck out. No preasure but someone who suits me. Just chill and relax with. I'm not looking anymore. I need a break. I'm still kinda bummed about Tim. I always think about Brad the original, not being with him. Just how fucked up a situation that was and remembering the times I enjoyed. They all run through my mind. Tim and Shawn were by far the sweetest. Tim was more real tho. It wasn't awkward with him. He's such a dick. I haven't tried to talk to him. There isn't any point in tripping on him. I've wanted to text him good thing I deleted him. Brad the original, I wanted to talk to him too he's deleted but I remember his phone number. I figure I'll forget eventually. For some reason I'm his friend on MSN I don't even know how that happened. I mean he was on my msn but he wasn't a friend b4. Life is so weird.

My friend and her bf of 4yrs broke up today. It made me so sad. I cried a little. She asked me how I coped after my divorce. I told her I didn't eat for a week. I hardly slept and I read the twilight saga. Book 2 was such a bitch to read, it made it harder. I told her after I finished that book I realized I needed someone who really loves me in my life. I hope she'll be ok. I just want her to feel better. I feel other peoples pain when they are hurting. I just wish I could help.

Anyway I've been in agony the cold is killing me oh and get this something else is wrong with me the doctor cant remember what she called it but I get cold hands and feet. Something to do with poor circulation.

I'm going to eat the oatmeal my roommate is making me then I'm going to pass out.

I can't do it anymore

These are the most recent photos of me taken today. I wanted to see what my body looks like. If you haven't noticed I'm not shy and I think if people can be in bikini photos then I can put a pic of me up in my bra and underwear for weightloss result purposes. So .. now to important things.

I can't do it anymore. I can't deal with the emotional turmoil. I deleted them ... All the pricks that have fucked and chucked me or ever ignored me from my phone. Jamie, Brad, Shawn, and Tim. I went through my facebook and deleted everyone that has added me and played games. They know my phone number if they want to talk. I'm done. I deleted some of the old cop friends I had in Okotoks who never bothered to stay in contact. I also deleted people who were once friends that have done me wrong. I still don't feel free tho.

My Father called today. I was actually getting annoyed cause it had been a few days and he said he would call me back that night. I almost texted him to be like "thanks for remembering me dad." However today he's like "sry, forgot to call u back." my response "yah, I know, I was gunna give you shit." anyway he was giving me a hard time about being disabled. Also for some other shit that I don't want to talk about on here. Whatever I told him I wish I could work full time. Believe me I miss my 2g a month salary. I miss being able to buy what I wanted when I wanted. Now I have to budget how much money goes for my basic needs to survive.

On a very great note I fit into an XL hoodie woohoo. I'm starting to fit into regular shit YAY! I got to hang out with the chick I've been spending time with. She's good to talk to. So as usual I've been hurting all day. Off to bed. Gotta be up early. Yay public transport (actually not too bad, just the idea of -15 and transit that gets me).

"When it rains it pours and opens doors"

So my breaks cut out on me yesterday. I'm thanking god I made it home alive. My break line burst, my callipers are gone, break pads. Safe to say Scarlett is going to be sold for parts :( which is probably for the best seeing as my fuel gauge and speedometer are fucked. The whole electrical system is gone. I'd love to keep her and take her apart and rebuild her engine but lets face it I need the money and I don't know what the hell I'm doing. Fortunately I do have a few buddy's who know a thing or two about cars.

So I have a thing about sexy cars with sweet body kits. I saw my dream car yesterday and it was only 8g. Couldn't even tell u the make or model but I looked at her and I wanted her. She was this awesome blue color interior matched, bucket seats, right hand drive, manual with a sweet deck. *Drool I think I get my car thing from Johnny. He was this guy I hung out with when I was a teenager I used to go to the races with him and check out sweet cars. Before he got his license he had a car so he let me drive it around. Sweet tricked out Honda with a sweet sound system, always blastin techno and trance.

I'm trying not to be angry about my circumstances and to see the positive. When one door closes another one opens. I'm trying not to be pissed at Tim. I will not yell at him, I will not yell at him... So I keep telling myself. I really fucking hate when dudes do that. Just fucking stop talking to you. I think he knew I wanted more then a FB type thing. All he had to do was be honest. I really could use more guy friends. I miss hanging out with dudes. They make me laugh. Plus having straight guy friends give me opinions on other dudes is very much appreciated. Last night I soo wanted to message Tim but what did I do instead. I messaged Brad when I was drunk and said something along the lines of "You're now my man guru, I need advice?!" FUCK ME! Then I had the need to apologies "I'm sorry, I'm being dumb ignore that." Oh and I messaged Frank but he's pretty funny. He called me yesterday first time mind you. Call display didn't tell me it was him I was like who is this? You called me?! He's like I think I called u but now u have me second guessing myself. I was like who am I speaking to? He's like oh it's Frank. I just laughed. He's like u shouldn't ask so many questions right away it throws a person off. I was telling him about my theory of how if I don't click with someone we can be friends. He's like it's not really like that tho. I was like ur telling me. I try and stay someones friend and they just dont care. It's ok men are dumb (didn't say that to him).

Why is it when we know the answer to something we need to get everyone elses opinion on it? Why can't we just admit the truth to ourselves. I was upset after Tim left last time cause It felt like it was the last time I was going to see him and oh guess what so far it has been.

Ok tell me why, when a man pays interest to us women, we automatically think we like him? When the truth is we don't even know him and he's probably annoying as fuck? Lets face it sex means nothing these days. IT SHOULD THO!!!! Just because u sleep with someone it's not a reason to justify your feelings.

I always worry when they leave that it was because I wasn't good enough. That I'm not pretty enough. That they saw me naked and thought I looked gross. When I look at myself naked, I don't think I look beautiful. When I leave my house in my sweats with no makeup on and hair in a crazy bun I'm vulnerable, I don't want people looking at me or talking to me. When I leave my house dressed up, I feel confident and I want people to talk to me. Tho I hate when a dude who I have no interest in talks to me. I think I'm kinda of a bitch then. I really hate drunk annoying people when I'm sober.

I got a call back from the regional marketing director. She's sending some info off to the personal training marketing group. The CEO also responded to my email. He e-mailed the VP of marketing. I was so excited yesterday. I really want to make a difference. Yesterday I was talking to a woman who works out at the gym, she has a personal trainer and I asked how it was going and how much weight she's lost. I told her about the weight I lost and she said she had heard. Her trainer told her and she said to her client she couldn't believe I did it on my own. I told her I have two disabilities I don't want my weight to be a third and hold me back anymore. If you can dream it you can achieve it.

I will be going back to Body Combat again. I've already talked to my Manager about switching up my hours. So here is the goal. MON, TUE WED, cardio in the morning I do a min of an hr Cardio and some weight training. WED afternoon is Body Flow (yoga, thai chi, and pilates) THUR is BODY COMBAT (MMA) and FRI is Pilates. If I'm not hurting too bad I'll try and get more of a cardio workout in in the mornings on WED, FRI. I know I'm building more core strength. When I bend over on the sides of my stomach u can see where It's supposed to be. I get all hyped up when I notice my body changing. I mean other people notice but it's harder when U look at yourself to notice. Pictures help me out a lot. I'm working on strengthening my arms as well. Pull ups, push ups. I know my core is stronger because I can hold myself up on the machine where u bring your knees to your chest. The new way I learned to do push ups is going to help a lot. Try a crocodile push up... crazy stuff.

It feels good to be shrinking into smaller sizes tho my wallet can't afford to upgrade my clothes. I have to tell u how annoying it is to work out in loose clothes. It's time for some new stuff. My new routine wont start this next week, but I'm hoping the week after. This week I have doctors appointments and what not. I will still be working out tho just not on my routine that I want. OMG i saw the cutest shoes at walmart I want them. Fuck this stupid chick obsession with shoes. It's so dumb lol.

Anyway, I'm going to try and nurse this hangover before I try and figure out public transport lol. Fuck I'm so gunna get lost lol. If I told u about my public transport stories in England then u'd know. Stupid trains!

Hope you all have a great weekend!

Thanking God

When things are going so bad I just have to thank god that they aren't any worse. I lost my necklace. I've had that necklace since '01 it's religion in unity. I'm gutted.

My roommate is moving to BC in a month and a half for school. I have no idea what I'm going to do. I can't afford to take over his deposit and he's good with letting me pay him half the rent each pay check (cheque).

I got pulled over today. Apparently my reg is expired. That wasn't my only problem but she was awesome and let me off. The thing I've learned with cops is that you just need to be honest. It's bullshitting that gets u in trouble ... you know what?! I was pulled over November '03 too and I was let off then too. That cop he was cool too. I was a pathetic mess.

I'm a firm believer in telling the truth. I hate lying. I hate liars. If I don't want to answer a question I will either say it's none of ur concern or divert the question. Tho usualy I'll answer, I don't have secrets I'm an open book. I'll tell u anything u want to know.

So for more upbeat news ... I contacted the regional marketing director for the west coast (lady I met the day I got to speak in front of everyone) and she's gunna let me be a part of their advertising. Don't know what that entails. My club uses me to sell. Someone wants to loose weight they have me meet them so I can tell them my story. Or they tell them about me. We actually are putting up pictures of me up in the club. Before, mid point, now and then progress pics. Which I think is pretty cool. I actually like telling them, they always ask how I did it. I laugh every time ... diet and exercise... who knew haha.

I'm trying to unwind. Cotton mouth and cornbread, not the smartest combo haha.

So my medical treatment starts next week. I have a seminar next week. The week after I have a two hour doctors apt. The week after that I have a 2 hour physio appointment. Then Dec 23 I have a Psychology appointment. Their going to help me cope with being sick, I'm having a hard time with acceptance. I go through the grieving stages over and over; my mom is a therapist and if ur from Cali u've probably had a therapist or you should get one LOL! I actually hate therapists no offense to anyone just my personal preference. I'd tell u why my mom put me in therapy when I was 8 but it's so dumb and it only half worked. I always take the piss.

I wonder what this weekend has in store for me. Who knows but I sure do hope it's a good one.

I have to head to bed. Another early start tomorrow. Tho I'm working early so I can go to the combat class. I was watching this instructors baby in child minding. She's so gunna kick my ass. She's lucky I'm going hahaha. I keep seeing the babies get bigger and bigger. The kids I used to watch run up to me and give me big hugs. Some of the moms are surprised because their kids are usually very apprehensive with other people. I'm great with kids. Adults piss me off tho. You should hear the story about what the hot dude did on saturday. I was this close to, well if u know me when I talk very calmly and slow with an evil look on my that means i'm pissed. People never fuck with me when I have that pissed face. Oh brad did once haha he's lucky.

So I was sitting on Tim I think and he's got a bit of an aggressive side. He likes to start shit with people. Men and their egos hey? Doesn't help that he's a leo. Leo Leo combo that can't be good. So I was telling him about me taking boxing and self defense and some other stuff so he fakes smacks me around. I wasn't even expecting that. It wasn't rough or anything I was just kinda surprised I think I may have had a quick pause to process it and decided I wouldn't have to kick his ass lol. Something tells me he could take me.

I still think about Brad... I think about Bryan sometimes. I was so sad when I went back home and couldn't find him. It was even harder to hear that he lied to me the year before and he hadn't gotten clean. Drugs have taken over. When I lived there I had someone try and sell to me at a red light. I politely declined "I don't buy drugs from strangers" LOL. Anyway Bryan was important to me so like Brad I check up on him. Hard to stay in contact with an addict tho. He did for a good few months after I saw him last.

I tried to text my biological father yesterday. I don't think I've spoken to him since Fathers Day and he was supposed to call me back. I wish I was more important to him. I haven't seen him in like 12 or 13 years. Funny tho, I've never had a problem with talking openly with him. Apparently my brother gave him shit when he found out I was bi. Whatever I'm sure he's gotten over it by now.

Ok off to sleep, enough randomness for tonight. Can u tell my mind just goes one thing to the next?

What a year...

A year ago I was such a completly different person then I am now. What a crazy year it's been, but I worked my ass off. I'm halfway to my final goal weight. Hell Yah! And damn I think I'm looking pretty good. I'd date me lol.

This time last year I had taken a break from Jamie, I met Brad and then Jamie came back. That was confusing. I just left my job for medical reasons.

This time this year... new career path, getting healthy. New men and women in my life. New friends ... Lets see what the next year has in store for me ... stay tuned

"I'm not the type to get my heart broken.. I'm not the type to get upset and cry.. Cause I never leave my heart open.. Never hurts me to say goodbye"

So let's update.

I hit 236 this week. 9 pounds till i hit my goal of 85lbs and 23 till I hit my 100lb mark. HELL YEAH!! My morning workouts this week freaking rocked. I ran on the treadmill at a speed of 6.2. I have to do intervals because I haven't figured out how to run and breath at the same time. No joke. I try breathing but I'm not getting enough air. Oh and I was advised to run barefoot, it works man so much easier except the blisters the treadmill gives you. I also did my pilates class on Fri. I love my job. My friend was there working out with her other friend on the bike. I was walking to the front desk for something. So I went over to her and checked out the resistance she was doing on the bike. Hahaha I'm such an ass hole. "You're not going hard enough" So of course I pushed the button to up her resistance. She thought that working on the bike was only for her legs. I had to explain that it obviously helps tone your legs but it's cardio which causes u to loose weight. She didn't know that so she upped her resistance even more lol. I love helping people.

Guess who fit into her goal jeans today WOOT WOOT! I think they'll fit even better when I hit the 85lb mark. I've had these baby phat jeans for forever. I bought them knowing they wouldn't fit and I kept them cause I knew I would be able to fit into them.

Tim, I like him but not sure if were just fb's or what?! Seeing how it goes. He's supposed to be round tn. Bound to be good times.

I actually went out with this chick yesterday. She's beautiful and we clicked. Love when that happens. Easy to talk to, we have a lot in common. We'll be hanging out again. Actually tomorrow lol.

I went to dinner party at a friends house Fri it consisted of The doctor who delivered her baby and the nursing staff. It was pretty cool. I made some new friends. Got invited to another party. My friend gave me the whiskey they brought her cause she doesn't drink. LOVE FREE WHISKEY. On Friday everyone at work gave me their number. We were gunna go dancing at the cage. Love that place. Only the one on Heritage tho, the one off 16th is gay. This girl at work is gunna teach me more dance moves. She used to be pro. So I'm stoked. The benefit of being such a nice person is that everyone wants to kick it with me.

The girl yesterday. She's like I'm good at reading people and you're very easy going. Ok I gotta go. I have to meet some old friends today can't wait. I'm still happy and I'm not tripping over dudes anymore. I expect them to leave, the one that sticks around that'll be a surprise.

To My Readers

HOLY SHIT! I just looked at the stats for my blog and it's been viewed all over the world. Thanks for reading guys you're awesome! I love comments so feel free!!! LOL

I'm surprisingly really happy

So this week in review lol from what I can remember anyway.

I hit 237 this week 76lbs gone. Woohoo! I also fit into xl adidas yoga pants and they looked good. One of the girls at work goes in at 7 to get her workout in. She wants me to start going with her to motivate her. I could use a push too. What this means is I'll be going to bed even earlier then before. I need a lot of sleep to be able to function properly.

I got a call from a family member at 4am this week. If you don't believe in 6th senses then stop reading. A few of us in my family have the gift of premonitions they come in dreams. I've done it before; predicted things before they happened. I usually tell someone and forget about it till it happens. Last year I told a colleague I was working with that she would be leaving this job and working at a bar again. She was like yah right ... she ended up at a bar again. I had a dream about a hanging and I told one of my old cop roommates and she had gone to a hanging that night. There are other incidents but its whatevs. Anyway so I got a call in the middle of the night telling me they had a dream about my grandma passing away this year, her lungs will fail her. Of course I was really upset to hear that cause last time she had a dream my grandpa died. I haven't been able to see my grandma in a few years and I wish I could spend more time with her. I also wish I could spend more time with my mom. It's been about a 1 1/2 since I've seen her.

I went and stopped by one of my cop friends houses this week. My ex is still friends with them and stops round on occasion. Her husband hadn't seen me in a really long time so it was prob a shock how different I look. She saw me and she was like OMG it's half an Elli.

You know what bugs me. When people say they want to loose weight and then don't really do anything about it. You're not fat for no reason. You're fat because u eat unhealthy and don't get enough exercise. Believe me I've been in the denial stage, it took me a long time to get over it and to get my ass in gear. My mom has gained weight again. It makes me sad because she went through a gastric bypass and she's gaining weight back again. She almost died having that surgery. I love her and I want her to be healthy and happy. I told myself if I get into a relationship and I gain more then 15lbs then I'm obviously unhappy and need to dump the guy lol. I'm not eating out of depression or boredom again. I won't even let myself gain 15lbs I never let myself gain more then 5 before I kick my own ass into gear. My roommate he said to me ln he's like "you look really good whatever you're doing keep doing it. You should walk out of this house feeling 100% confident about the way you look." Of course that made me feel really good especially since I just fit into my size 20 jeans. I knew I'd get to wear them again ^_^.


I've had the urge to pray this week. I'm not really religious. I don't know if there's a god but I have hope that when I pray I'm not just talking to myself. I'm more spiritual. I want to find a meditation centre. I've been in a lot of pain lately.

I've been giving out my diet plan. Everyone is happy about that. I went to a party last night the first party not the second one. I got like 4 different invites last night cause I'm popular like that. They were watching what I was eating. It made me laugh. I'm like a spokes person for weight loss. I actually talked to this chick at work and got the name of her plastic surgeon. She had a tummy tuck and I'm getting loose skin already and I haven't even finished my weight loss. I figured If I get a consult right now on a tummy tuck and breast lift then I know what I need to strive for financially and physically. After I'm finished I really just want to look beautiful and normal. I know I am beautiful but the idea of have a flat stomach is very appealing to me.

I saw Tim ^_^ he let me keep his lighter. He's awesome, I like him, hope he sticks around. I have the biggest smile after I've seen him.

Today is my sweet little nephews bday. Nephew through friendship I'm known as Auntie Elli. He's gunna be 2 today. I got to help with my kids in the nursery this week, for a little bit. They make me happy. I love hanging with the kids. It's fascinating to watch them grow and develop.

Anyway I'm going to go and enjoy the rest of my weekend. You all have a good day.

Canadian Thanksgiving

I am thankful for happiness and the people who love me.

I cook every year for people that dont really have family here. So what's on the menu today.

Turkey
Mashed potatoes
Yams
Cornbread
Stuffing
cranberry sauce
corn and green beans

One of my supposed friends were supposed to come for dinner but as usual she tripped out cause I got whipped cream instead of cool whip. I'm tempted to call her some kind of rude name but i'll bite my tongue. I'm done with her bs.

I'm having dinner with my roommate, I invited the neighbors and some other friends. It doesn't really matter who shows up. It's gunna be good food.

Tim spent the night with me Saturday. It was awesome. I got a text at like 1:30am and of course this one song was going through my head: "Cause if u callin at 2 in the morning it only means one thing, booty call boo boo booty call." Fuck my life lol.

Anyway. He came over we chilled and talked for a bit. He's good to talk to. Every man I've met born in '87 are pretty f'd in the head. Lets hope that's not the case with him. It was seriously awesome tho. He spent the night. He fell asleep with me in his arms. We cuddled, in the morning he pulled me in close. We got dressed which was pretty pointless, cause we just ended up undressed again lmao. Guess I looked sexy in that outfit haha. He looked sooo hot. He totally made me laugh telling me about how he asked his buddy if his outfit looked gay, and I was like dude u look hot. :)I invited him to thanksgiving dinner but I don't think he's gunna come. "Booty call boo boo booty call" LMAO who the fuck knows. He did get a little wound up when I walked to the bathroom in my panties. "Do u always walk around with no top on?" me "No, he just left for work" him "what if he forgot his keys?" I shrugged it off. Then I got a text from him saying "don't lock the door I forgot my keys" irony's a bitch and I laughed. If only he knew I tan topless on Holidays in Europe LMFAO.

Anyway Happy Canadian Thanksgiving everyone hahaha

"He's out there ... He's just with all the wrong women"

Soooo I met this guy named Tim :P There is no competition between him and any of the other men who've been in my life. He blew them all out of the water. I don't even think Brad stands a chance against this one. Not like he plans on making a come back anyway haha. He's bigger built, kinda like Brads body type but more muscular. Probably because of the kind of work he does. Blonde hair blue eyes. He kinda reminds me of the dude from nip tuck Dylan Walsh. Ok really just the eyes are similar lol. I had a great time with him. He came over and we chilled in the afternoon. Watched part of a movie, drank some of my JD, we talked and such lol ... OMG Step Brothers is hilarious. I haven't even finished the movie yet but he's letting me borrow it which is sweet. He loved the back massage I gave him. I got one in return lol, like I'm gunna give out free massages (I'm the best). He said we have to do this again and I got the hugest hug. Loved it. I bet he could pick me up :P

It was just so easy with him. I've never had that. Simple, I wasn't nervous, he's good to talk to and the conversation just flowed. He has a sweet truck. My roommate thought he was cute too lol. Oh and he introduced himself to my roommate which I thought was polite and shook his hand. We have a lot of random things in common. I have a cork board in my room it's all my travels and adventures. He was looking at it. Saw the ticket to the stamps game I went to on Canada day and he said "that's weird I was sitting a row behind you at the game I went to yest"

If for some reason I don't see him again at least I got a dvd and a massage out of the deal haha. But as usual I hope I do. He's got some fun hobbies I wouldn't mind trying out.

My cat was just licking a green tea, tea bag. She's such a weirdo.

I'm saving for works Christmas party. I've heard it's wild. I want to wear a little red dress. I already have a date for it. Tho If I'm seeing someone I'll bring them with me instead. It's already been discussed.

The benefits of being the administrator I get to order shit. There is this blue hoodie I really wanted, we don't carry it anymore but I get to order it in for myself. Woot Woot! It's this beautiful blue color I love it. I'm already striving towards a new position that will be available in say a little under nine months lol. I've already talked to my boss about it and she said we can work towards it. Fingers crossed, It would be a wicked position.

Back to work tm. Don't think I can do Bodyflow or Pilates this week unless I talk to my Manager and ask her if I could do my last hour after the class. I'm working extra hours this week training someone, yay I'm important. I love my work uniform it's awesome.

"He's out there. He's just with all the wrong women" ps I love you. I think it's true.

Best Night Ever!!! :D

soo here's how my day went in a short version cause Im exhausted and need to go to sleep.

I got a present from one of my clients

My good friend did a surprise dinner (kinda) lol and we had Jerk chicken, where I then ran into my neighbors gf and had dinner with her as well.

I then rescheduled my date with Bryce (new guy) to see Shawn (guy I was dating in July).

I had the best night with Shawn. He likes my body u can tell. It's the first time anyone has ever showed me that kind of affection. He is such a sweetie. Holds my hand, kisses my neck (fav thing btw).

I won't even see Bryce if Shawn wants to hang out more often cause that's how I am, he's growing on me. I like him. Tho I wont make the same mistake twice.

Shawn wasn't who I was hoping to hear from but it turned out to be better then the person I was hoping 4.

We'll see how it goes with Shawn. Hopefully I get to see him again :D

I'm in the business of making shit happen

When I put my mind to something, I get it done. I have a lot of determination and drive. Sometimes I loose myself, but I always find my way back.

It's been surreal being home. Nothings ever as I left it. My friends have grown up but we still manage to stick together. I think about moving back and then I really don't want to. I don't necessarily want to stay in Calgary. I hate the long freezing winters. I think about moving to Hawaii all the time. I've been everywhere and If i want to go there I will. I'm going to start saving just in case. However in the meantime I'm just gunna cruise through life and if something worth while comes about living in Calgary maybe I'll stay.

I've had the chance to spend time with my sister. It's been good seeing her.

Staying on track with my diet while I'm home not so successful. Fucking cheezits and wheat thins. Apparently my friends think I crave the weirdest snacks. I wanted fig newtons till I saw the calorie content. Lets face it more people have more then 2 cookies. Oh and what I've noticed here. The serving size here on items are bigger then in Canada. It's like they're telling people it's ok to have a bigger serving cause it's only this many calories.

Sometimes i'm a little over the top re my last post. I kinda bottle my feelings up rather then expressing them at the time, cause I like to avoid conflict. I'm still talking to my mom, I did tell her she was being childish and we didn't need to argue.

In regards to douche ... guess who messaged me?! Him, why? Whatever I'm not reading into anything to do with him anymore. The dumbass is unpredictable. I have this feeling he's this really big nerd. Doesn't bother me I like nerds. I do think about him every day. Every person I've kissed since him I've felt nothing, it makes me want to end things quick with everyone else. What's the point if there's no spark? I'll never settle for less than I deserve again.

My love life has been pretty interesting Men just come up to me now. Some blatantly express interest in sleeping with me. However if I'm not good enough to date you're not good enough to fuck, haha sry. Retards I swear. I'm not used to all this attention. Sometimes it creeps me out. I don't want to become the kind of girl who goes from guy to guy. Sex is meaningful and precious. The people you let close to you in that physical sense should mean something to you

Some of my friends wish they could be like me. It was weird when they said that. Like why would u want to be like me. I wish I saw what they saw in me. They wish they had my balls and confidence. You know I don't see it like that; that I have balls or confidence. A lot of times i'm not confident in myself. I see it as expressing myself, you only live once and I hate regretting things. If there is a chance of losing someone because I'm honest then I don't expect they would have lasted in my life anyway. Sometimes I let people get away with things to save an argument, usually they'll end up hearing exactly what I'm thinking. I'm a firm believer in honesty being the best policy tho u don't need to be cruel about it.

Well I'm gunna get back to hangin with my friends. I only have a few days left until I come back to my home which is currently Calgary. Looking forward to seeing my neighbors, those guys are my buddies I love drinking with them on the porch and just chillin watchin a movie. Looking forward to seeing my bestie and my good friends.

Born To Walk Away ... Peace Out

In my 24 years of life I have had so much hurt. People walking all over me treating me like shit. I'm done with that. People may see it as me being a bitch but it's my life and I just want good people in my life. Anyone who brings me down I'm saying peace out. I don't need that shit.

A supposed friend of mine yesterday said I don't care about ur "little friends". Fuck you I don't give a shit about the handful of guys u have on the go either. You cause you're own problems. You're dramatic and rude and u bring nothing good to my life ... peace out.

I call my mom and she's like you're calling early you woke everyone up. What's up? Why the fuck would I want to talk to you after you said that to me. Sorry for bothering u mom and being an annoying inconvenience ... Honestly I forgot about the time difference and I said that and she carried on about that. I knew she was awake I just didn't think about the time difference and everyone else who's sleeping ... peace out mom.

The newbie is gone. No surprise ... If I don't walk away then they do ... peace out

My heart still hurts over douche, I miss him. I hate him for making me feel this hurt. I hate him for never giving me a chance. I hate him for the false promises. I'm not dumb. He may have had a slight inclination to see me again but that faded fast. I'm guessing when some other chick paid him some interest. Whatever, you have done nothing for me. The one time where u made me feel beautiful that's all you've done for me. Now over shadowed by the fact u don't want me cause I'm fat. Why do I still try. Cause I fell fast and hard for u that's why, as soon as I saw u I felt it ... you don't want me ... peace out.

To my ex husband ... I accepted you left me. I accepted it when u got a gf. I accept her because she makes u happy and she seems like a nice person. I accept the fact that you want to have a family with her but you never wanted one with me.I let you go because I wanted you to be happy, and I am so happy that you're happy. I don't miss you. Us splitting up was for the best. I'm happier now. I'm grateful for everything you've done for me I wish we could have stayed friends, but you just want to erase me from your life like I never existed ... peace out.

To everyone who has ever said something hurtful to me ... fuck you ... peace out!

Walking away is my specialty ... the amount of times I've moved and had to leave people behind ... I was born to walk away.

Not holding back

Sooo fuck i'm in a bad mood.

I call my mom who is too self involved right now to listen to anyone elses issues. Well except when she's at work cause obv it's her job to listen to other peoples problems. They were supposed to be coming to visit me on Monday but they aren't now cause my sisters passport is expired. GAY!!!!

Douche bag I swear to god. So the other week he randomly texts me to bother me at night just to tell me "I like skinny girls". Fuck you ass hole you're full of shit. You may prefer smaller girls but you sure have had plus size gf's in the past and u shouldn't sleep with people if ur not interested in them. Anyhow. He texts me again at like 11:30 on sat tripping out cause he thought I had a bf. Then tells me that he's a relationship kinda guy and that he'll come out next time. The next morning of course he was like I was drunk I don't want anything from you. I'm sorry ok. NO NOT OK!!!! I told him so too :). Just how I felt but I'm a good enough person to tell him that I sincerely hopes he has a good life. Fuck he's dumb. Oh and he deletes me from FB but keeps me on MSN. What a tool!!! I wont delete him and yah I know that makes me dumb too. I have no intentions of talking to him, if he wants to talk to me he knows where I'm at. I take it he doesn't, whatever like my brother said there are billions of men out there and not one are the same and on that note ...

So I went out with this guy on Saturday cause I fig douche is a douche and it's time to date again. I like the newbie. He's sweet. We got some coffee/tea went for a walk in the park. Made out at two benches and a tree which he has now renamed the makeout bench. We got together again on sun. Watched a movie at his place ... lol. Then we went out Tue. I was gunna cook for him but those plans got kinda messed up. We went to the cinema to see eclipse. I was going to the machine to pay and he called me back and had like two paid ticket things. It was so sweet. Then in the movie he put his arm around me and held my hand. I went back to his place for a bit after. I text him yest to see if he still wanted to go to the zoo... I got nothin. Trying not to stress it. He could be busy. Time will tell. If not he was a nice guy and I had a good time. It was nice to be treated right for once. I do hope i hear from him tho :) he seems like a good guy genuinely and I wouldn't mind if he sticks around for a while.

I got the job at the gym. Yay!!! I start mon. I get a free membership too. Not brilliant money but hey ho i didn't take the job for the money, I took it to change my life.

I'm just frustrated. Tho happy that I got a job, went on 3 nice dates with a sweetheart who's adorable. I have an awesome roommate tho he's messy lol, messier then me. Cool neighbors who like to kick it, and good friends. I leave in 18 days for Cali and I can't wait to get out of Calgary for a bit. Life is attempting to treat me well and all I have to say is Thank you life.

Oh the bet ... fuck let's not discuss that till i hit the 230's.

Getting real

Weekend:
So I decided to cut the crap and not hold back and just say what I'm thinking. The last week has been interesting. My bff in Calgary went out of town for the weekend so I was left to my own devices. I actually kept busy and had a great weekend, minus the annoying drunk 18 yr olds who couldn't sort their own rides out. They almost caused me to smoke. I had serious considerations but thought better of it. I met this total cutie at the party. OMG!!! He was stunningly beautiful.

Guy I've crushed on for far too long:
It's the guy I likes bday outing this weekend. He's such an ass hole. I mean really, u know there is no hope when the guy doesn't even want u at his birthday. That's a huge insult. I hope he changes his mind. It's times like this when I think you don't know if you want to see me again. I'm the one who should be saying that. Look how u treat me. I'm not blind. Here are the reasons he may not want to see me.

a. "He's just not that into me"
b. He's just not that into me" but he's keeping me as a reserve. I DON'T PLAY SECOND BEST!!!!
c. He does like me but he's been burned and doesn't want to get hurt.

You know what ur a dumbass. You make me not want to talk to you, because u make me feel like I can't talk to you freely. I don't like having to bite my tongue. My friends don't think your cute. I defend you. Sometimes I wonder if he judges me based off the things mentioned in Chronic pain centre. If he does then he's just not the kind of guy I want to be with anyway.

Yah I know ur all thinking kick him to the curb. Heard it a billion x's. I'm actually numb him being a dick doesn't phase me anymore.

Chronic Pain Centre:
So I had my orientation this week. It was hard. I went by myself. It could take another 3-12 months to see a doctor through them. I will however have access to a full medical staff. I can also start taking the classes before I see the doctor. The lady giving the presentation talked about how their primary goal isn't to find out what's wrong with you it's to teach you how to live with chronic pain. I may never know what causes these headaches and facial pain. They may never have a cure. She was talking about how we will learn acceptance. Learn to deal with the fact we are sick and will be sick for the rest of our lives. I cried. That is not a reality I have wanted to admit. When she said that I made a point of saying other peoples acceptance.

I have lost so much being sick. My ex husband (tho not the only reason it was a reason), my job, had to get roommates, car, two places i've lived in. I think for losing everything, I've learned something other people will never learn. I've learned to be humble. It's not about what you have in life. It's about who you are and what you believe in. I know right now I'm struggling. I don't think it will always be like this. I don't like not being able to live a normal life. I'm faced with the reality that it's a possibility I might not get to have.

I talked to my best friend about other peoples acceptance. He told me he had a hard time accepting I'm sick and still does. He said sometimes he thinks i'm just shitting him. Then he remembers why would I want such a shitty life to pretend to be sick. I was crying as I read what he wrote to me. These are the people who love me. The people who stand by my side.

It makes it so hard to meet someone new with all of my baggage. Divorced at 24, sick, jobless, broke. Them knowing that, it's what they'll judge me on. Not my awesome personality or that i'm getting through my struggles. I also don't really want to share the details of my illness unless I know them better.

It's a lot to deal with, I do have a really hard time sometimes.

Career prospect:
So one of my goals for weight loss is to become a personal trainer. A buddy of mine is hooking me up with a reference at the gym. I'm going to try and get a pt job in CS. Until I am capable of going full time. Then when I am I'll start taking my courses to become a personal trainer. So fingers crossed I get the job and that it works out the way I want and I like it. Working at a gym will be great for keeping myself motivated on my own weight loss goals. God my buddy made me feel so guilty.

The bet:
22 pounds in 5 weeks. If I win I get 2 new pairs of pants ... If I lose, well i just wont let that happen. It hasn't even been discussed what i'd give him. He'd prob make me do something dumb in public lol. GAME ON!!!

I've been in a pretty good mood this week. I have had some funks. I try my best not to get bummed out.

My New Place

So I have lost all perception of time. I have been staying at my new place for a few nights now. I can't remember when I started staying here lol crap. Not sure. I can't wait to be all unpacked so when I forget where I put something I can see where I put it. Such as my pants. I'm always losing my pants or my shirt lol. I know that's random but I always take them off and never remember where in my house I put them. Since I haven't unpacked in my new place it makes it much harder to find in my room. I almost fb my gf this morning to ask her if she remembered where I took my pants off ln lol. I have this sick room in my house. We call it the green room "we" being the privileged who have been cool enough to chill in the green room. I wont explain too much about my green room cause it's too cool to talk about it has to be seen. It's my relaxation room. I just got some incense nagchampa mmm i love that scent.

I have to get back into my gym routine. The good thing about my new place is it's right around the corner from the chronic pain centre. I'm going to be spending a lot of time there. How random is that. I didn't even know that when I took the place. Fate I guess. Life is good. I'm happy. I'm broke but happy. Trying not to stress. I don't panic too often. I did last week thanks to a few epiphanies i had and a few bubbles that burst. The summer is coming and going so fast. Time just keeps flying by. I'm making new friends fast. If i wasn't broke and sick I'd have more hobbies. You never know tho this pain centre I could make a load of friends who understand what I'm going through. I have pretty much been maintaining my weight up and down a few pounds. I haven't really cooked in over a month or so. I went grocery shopping td. I need to get back into a routine.

Nothing new on the guy front. There is this guy who wants to see me. I'm apprehensive. I don't know what to do, I've been putting him off for weeks now. I had no intention of seeing this guy but I can't wait around for the other guy anymore ... the only person stopping us from being an "us" is him ... so why am I waiting around? Time to move on ... it hurts, and I don't really want to. I can't keep holding on to nothing.

Curve Ball

Life likes to throw curve balls at you. So anyone who knows me or cares about me knows what happened last month and why I'm moving. I found a place. It's unique lol. I think I chose this place because I knew it would be interesting and have character. It's in a great location. I know nothing about downtown and I'm kinda scared about it. I mean seriously with all that I've been through and all that I've seen I'm afraid to live downtown. I think what it is, is that this is the first time I've done something completely 100% on my own. It's freaking me out. It will be a new experience and I think it's just what I need.

I am realizing a lot of things the last couple of weeks. I'm changing a lot, I've changed a lot. In a lot of ways life has made me harder in the last year. It has also made me appreciate the good things in life and the good people that have entered my life. It's also making me realize what kind of person I want to have in my life and how I want to be treated by people. What is and is not acceptable.

I booked my tickets back home. I'm looking forward to it. Seeing my friends. It's prob going to end up being a poor financial choice on my part. However I need to get away from here for a little while. The guy I like came back from Vegas and everything went exactly as I expected it to, he's ridiculous. I never listen to people. This is my problem. I'm fucking stubborn and my heart and head say two different things ... the head is finally starting to win. The heart can only take so much. Whatever. It's time ... it's been almost a year since I started talking to him. Of course I still want him but he says he's busy and what that says to me is your not important enough for me to make time for. I can't be dumb anymore. I look like a fool.

The goal jeans

So I can button the goal jeans ... I can zip up the pre wedding jeans and close them and I can zip up my leather jacket. All still a bit too tight 21.2 pounds to go. You know your almost there when all of the above happens ... 248.2 WOOT!!

I would like to say I bitch and complain a lot and my life is tough and sometimes I'm lonely this is my blog this is where i vent, but I am Happy a lot happier then I used to be. I could be happier; there are things that could be improved but I am happy.

I found a dealer to buy my car ... not the price I wanted at all I wanted 6 he's offered me 4 ... going to see if I can find a few more places tm see if they can offer me more if not i'll take it back to him and sell. At least I'll have money for a little while. I can finally get a hair cut, pay some bills, get some clothes that fit, and visit my family.

The guy I like is in Vegas this week ... FML. I hope when he gets back he sees me. I wish he'd stop dicking me around. I know all I do is bitch about this guy lol. I generally have a good time when i'm with him he makes me laugh. All my friends have no hope. I don't know if I'm optimistic or pessimistic. I guess I'm kinda numb about it. So much let down from him if something good happened i'd be surprised and happy. Like when he added me to FB i was shocked and speechless. Especially since he hadn't said anything to me since he'd seen me in two weeks and then just added me. I feel kinda bad my best friend was in the middle of telling me a story and I saw he added me I missed half the story because my mind went blank from shock. It sounded like an interesting story ... yelling a gang banger cause he was woken up when drunk and didn't realize the guy had a gun lol i missed the rest ... thank god he was alive to tell me. California I swear. Anyway since he's been gone I've had crazy ass dreams. My cousin says when you dream about them it means they are thinking about you. I bet it's bullshit. Lol he's in Vegas, please.

So I'm going home for a visit. Haven't bought the tickets yet. Tho i need to get into some kind of trouble. Not getting arrested or having sex. I imagine there will be a hangover and vomiting involved. Usually is. First day back last year. Didn't make it through the first night without puking lol. As soon as I got in the car the stopped to pick up a bottle and we were drunk before we even got home lol. I love my entourage who meet me at the airport every time without fail. I FUCKING LOVE YOU GUYS!!!

We may be planning a random road trip or plane trip cause that's how we roll. Show up at the airport and go somewhere. I need some excitement. My girl Kris has been keeping me sane getting me out of my house and keeping me laughing. I owe her big time when i'm not broke. A vacation or something. I really hope I can work again. Or get some kind of an income. I cant spend the rest of my life in the house I'll go fucking crazy. I'm running out of things to day dream about. I think my buddy at the gym has moved to the other gym. I think I may have to visit him seeing as he hinted at it. Ok he didn't hint at it so much as said i'm going to the other gym and u should come see me lol. I hope that's the case otherwise he went in for his surgery :( and I don't know about it. I should ask next time i go in.

Fuck I think I'm just rambling on. I've been so bored. Oh so Kris and I found this awesome spot today. We had a little picnic. We are sitting on this ridge cause that's our thing. You know those little things you blow on to make a wish, the things with the fluff (they are actually weeds lol) well a whole bunch blew past us ... I'm taking that as good luck so I made a wish. Anyway that would so be a good spot to star gaze with someone. It's been so long since i've laid out on a summer night and star gazed. I went in to visit her at work yesterday. God one of our old store managers (I used to work there too) was such a bitch about telling her to get back to work ... Fuck authority ... Anybody who knows me knows I hate being told what to do ... and by her telling Kris to get back to work she was kicking me out lol cause I had no one else to bug I had said hi to everyone else that I used to work with already.

I'm not an overly rude person by nature. I mean sometimes I am rude about the way I phrase things. When I'm annoyed. I have no patience lately since I've quit smoking. I also have a very short fuse since my roommate set off my rage due to the whole fight incident... my shoulder is still fucked up... I'm not usually an angry person and I very rarely am violent... Self defense. Tho lately when I'm angry I find myself needing to leave the situation and take very deep breaths so I don't freak out. Fortunately I only have a couple days left to put up with my roommate and she hasn't done anything to piss me off in front of me only things I notice when she's not home. Growing up the way I did it's very hard to control my anger. Which is why I keep my life as peaceful as possible. Like I said by nature I don't like to get angry. I don't like confrontation. Most people would probably think I'm a push over because I notice things that bother me and don't say anything because I'd rather just avoid confrontation, cause I know if i say something I'm going to be rude and it's going to start a fight.

Right now I just kinda feel like I'm floating through life. I have my goals but everything is kinda just on hold which is gay. It would be nice if I could have a special person to be a part of my life. My life is kind of unorganized. I have so many things I want to do. So many hobbies I want to take up. I wish i could be doing them right now, so frustrating bah ... lol ... U know what I need a guitar lol. I miss playing an instrument.

Oh yah so something cool that happened. When I walked into my old job yesterday. I hadn't gone in in a long time. Everyone looked at me kinda shocked because they hadn't seen me in so long and I had lost soo much weight. One was like wow u look good. The others didn't say anything they just looked at me up and down but u could tell they noticed they were surprised. Another said something when i mentioned how much I had lost. It's nice when people are happy for you or even when they are kinda jealous. What I wish they would realize is that they could do it to. It just requires being happy. You have the power to change your life and make you happy. You only get one life make the most of it :)

Feelings

So I went to the doctor yesterday. Bad news ... I was hoping when I got into the chronic pain centre they would be able to fix me up quick so I could get back to work by fall ... She said that wouldn't be the case. She said it's going to be a really slow process. I mean I'm fortunate, I'm going to have a team of specialists trying to help me manage the pain. She upped my medicine yesterday it's gone from 25mg to 100 in the matter of a few months. I've gotten rid of the percs because they are a shitty shitty drug. My memory loss isn't caused from the headaches. It could be caused from the vitamin B deficiency or maybe the Fybromyalgia. I have to get the Vitamin B tested again in 2 weeks. If it hasn't gone back up I need to get shots :( daily I think. How lame is that.

I've regressed at the gym. Probably because I've felt like ass the last few weeks. I'm not gaining weight which is good. I'm just not losing it as fast as I know I could be which is frustrating. I've asked a friend of a friend to try and help me sell my car since it's not going anywhere fast. I want her gone and I want her gone now. I want to go home for my birthday. I'm tired of looking at my four walls.

A lot happened last week. I basically confronted two friends about using me. Of course they both got defensive. One actually got into a fight with me. Messed up my wrist and shoulder. What can you do. It's not like this is the worst I've had. Just unfortunate when u feel like your walking on egg shells.

The guy I care about contacted me ... said he plans on seeing me again ... the question is when???? It obviously makes me happy, but that's what he said last time. It's nice to know he thinks about me. I swear he moves at snail pace lol. Ugh he's lucky I like him.

Other guys keep contacting me and I keep brushing them off. Perfectly good guys. Very attractive guys!!! It's just frustrating.

I don't feel great today ... I just wish the guy I like would hit me up for a cuddle lol.

That's a little bit psycho

Kris ... using those eye drops to sober herself up again lmao fucking hilarious!!!

The Pregnant leg photo dun dun dun ...

What an interesting week ... my life is so weird ... I can't even go into detail about the irony of this week ... there are no words ...

I can do this!

It's been really rough for me. I've been super sick. Sleep sleep sleep sleep. Tried to go to the gym Monday was there 5 min before i felt faint and had to leave. Last week I made it 3 days the week b4 i made it 4. It's made me angry because normally I go 5 days a week. I'm sleeping but not well. I ran out of medicine. I just got a refill. This week is supposed to be my hr and a half at the gym. I want to hit my goal by my birthday. I've just been frustrated because I've been in so much pain and sleeping a lot.

I'm watching Biggest Loser and crying as usual. There is so much pain in being fat. If you haven't been there then you don't know. I've been made fun of and tortured. I look in the mirror and at pictures and I don't see a beautiful person. I've wanted to die. Guys don't want me because they don't think I'm beautiful. My best friend when he came to see me in January he told me he was telling his other best friend that he wanted me to be at my goal weight. Not for vanity purposes but so people could see what a great person I am so they don't judge me for my weight anymore and they just purely see my personality. I didn't know what to say.

People are proud of me. It makes me feel good. My mom ... she saw a new picture of me the other day i was on web cam with her and the comp phone and she called my step dad over because she was so proud of the amount of weight i've lost since she saw me last. This guy I care a lot about. He chose not to see me for a long time. He saw me after four months and he complimented me and it was the best feeling I have ever had. It was so validating. A gf of mine complimented me she hadn't seen me in a long time and then saw me after I lost all of the weight. My best friend sees me on web cam and said he's so proud of me he was going to send me a box of cheezits tho I don't get why you'd send me my favorite junk food when i'm trying to lose weight ... We may need to have a conversation about that. Or if he does I may just need to save them and see how long I can keep them for without eating them lol.

My confidence level is going up which is something. I still have a long way to go and it's disheartening. 100 more pounds ... I can do it. I know I can. The only person who can stop me, is me. When I can work again I'm going to start looking into jobs at the gym. I need to get into something that is going to help me maintain my goal for the rest of my life. I will not fail. I will be healthy for the rest of my life. I have quit smoking.

Honestly I'm scared about what life has in store for me. I'm trying not to stress because where the hell is that going to get me. I have no income. I don't remember to do anything. I was out the other day with my gf's I forgot where I was. Lovely right? Fuck my fucking memory. I lose everything. I have a couple months until my lease is up. I'm not sure what i'm going to do. It would be easier if I had a normal cat unfortunately my cat has issues too. I'm hoping the chronic pain centre gets me in soon they can sort me out and I can start working by fall. Hoping my car sells asap. I hate being in debt. Well i don't have much else to say to be honest just thought i'd type out my feelings. Not particularly angry right now just kinda all emotional and a little lonely. Wishing I had someone special to share my life with. Tho I must remember I have a lot of important people in my life who love me ... I love you guys.