Friday, March 14, 2014

Video Blog 5 - My now ex boyfriend and an update

It's a long one, if you guys watch it to the end I'd be surprised but here ya go. 














Tuesday, August 13, 2013

Video Blog 3 - Shit Just Got Real

* It's really quiet sry about that. Hey Guys, so this is an update. You get to hear me cry about my life for the first little while, literally. Then it's all about the guys I used to see. OMG lol. My marriage and Divorce. It's a long one, be prepared to watch a movie lol 75min long. I think this is the most open I've really been.

I would also like to say I'm not trying to be mean to the guys I used to see, these guys were years ago. There were only a handful of ppl that met some of them, which is why I feel I can be open about them. If they're still part of my life I don't discuss them. The guys who are interested in me that I haven't seen, no one knows them so it's not really a biggie. 








Penis Cake

Roof Top Patio Downtown 

Sunday, August 4, 2013

Lots have happened.

Disclaimer: If what I say offends you. Maybe you should try harder at life. Please feel free to delete me from facebook and go on with your life.

I woulda taped it but my built in cam isn't working.

Ok lets go!

 Moving Day: So I did move. I have a 2 bed apartment in Westbrook. Moving day was such a nightmare. So I packed the whole house by myself, Vicky kept saying she would help but didn't. Had to take a part furniture and bin it. It was stuff my other roommates left. So moving day comes I wake up. Pissed as fuck cause I was already up and Vicky was sleeping. I was so stressed. So Karissa is supposed to be there at 1 to go get the uhual cause she was a truck driver. Kirstyn and Luke were supposed to be there. Karissa, Kirstyn and Luke were a no show. Which left me and Vicky. SMH.

 I ended up driving the uhaul. I kept thinking I was hitting stuff and I couldn't get the side mirrors to adjust. It was a nightmare. Then I had to pick up my lease documents because the office closed at 6. So I have to rent a little car 2 go. Since the cats are terrified of their carriers we took them and just stuck them in the car 2 go. Cali was a little more adventures, still scared but she came up to look out the window when I was driving. I wonder what it's like to be a cat and see all of that at one time. Tobi was shaking. When I went to bed, I took her and held her on my chest, when I woke up she was licking my face lol. So Karissa shows up with that loser she's with, and shea my old druggy roommate. I took that house over from him. I cannot believe she brought that nasty ass disgusting man. He's her best friend, but she knows I hate him. So of course him and I were arguing over money. I wanted to scream.

So they get to my house to help me move, instead of doing what normal people do, such as carry things down the stairs to the uhual. They started throwing my stuff over the balcony. I kept yelling you'r gunna break it. Don't. So much of my stuff broke. I was so pissed. But fortunately I'm not good at expressing emotion until im livid. What's the point of screaming, it was too late to do anything about it anyway. She even asked "Why didn't you call me to ream me out?"

Vicky and I screamed at each other all day. She really drives me to the point of insanity. I'm not even gunna get into that yet.

Medical stuff: Iron levels came back, I'm anemic. It's not terrible but I can't just eat iron rich foods, I have to take supplements. My hair thinned out a bit, I knew I wasn't being paranoid. Dave "I'm balding!" He isn't at all, but he keeps telling me under a full head of hair that he has a receding hairline. Omg Dave. I was like "Dave, I'm balder then you, be quiet." I don't look bald at all but that was the point. Plus I probably did lose more hair then Dave.

Had my spine MRI. All I kept telling myself is please be something that they can fix or that will kill me. I can't live with anymore permanent medical conditions. Life is just too hard as it is. Of course I get my results and what is it. Arthritis in my spine, YAY! It's mild but will progress, it's degenerative. I balled. I cried so much. I try not to think about it. The doctor xrayed my ankle when it hurt. I told him it would probably be nothing but he said he wanted to see if there was arthritis there too. There isn't any yet which is good. All I kept picturing was me in a wheelchair at 40. Someone give me the gun please. Every person I talked to I cried. Seriously I cried a lot. The pain in my back is already unbearable. Do you know how many times a day my back cracks. All i have to do is look behind me and you hear it.

I have sciatica, I knew it too. My GP is a db and I hate going to her. I liked my walk in clinic better. I think that that's about it right now. My health just keeps getting worse. Do you want to know what my medication consists of. 8 pills every day + 1 iron tablet daily, 2 inhailers, 2 pills for the sciatica as needed, anti anxiety meds as needed. Birthcontrol, B12 shot. Stuff for my scalp too cause I have psoriasis. I feel like im forgetting something. But it blows.

When I say I cant remember. I can't remember in the present and I don't remember everything. Big Events are easier to recall. Ask me what I did a cpl days ago. Couldn't tell you.

Men:

Here are the list of guys who hit me up around the same time. When it rains it pours.

.Bryden
.Dustin
.Frank
.Thomas
.James
.Mystery Dude

Ok, so I saw that guy again in April, Mystery Dude to you. The one that was complicated (no he wasn't married lol) and I had only seen like 3 times. I haven't contacted him since. He thought it was a good time to tell me he was gunna ask this chick out while I'm sitting there naked. Fuck off. I'm retarded. At one point I thought I was knocked up. We used a condom obviously, but it had been like 7 weeks and I was freaking the fk out. I'm trying to work on my swearing. Anyway, my mom "What does this tell you? If the idea of being pregnant with his kid freaks you out, maybe you shouldn't sleep with people you cant picture seeing yourself with." If this isn't what she said it's how i took it lol. Ugh she told my step dad. I used to think like that but then I was like ok, you shouldn't be thinking about having babies with people you dont know. Right there! People you don't know. I should know them better then I do. That's the point. I don't sleep around, haven't slept with that many people, but these guys aren't my boyfriends or long term. It should be someone I care about. Whatever. Glad I'm not knocked up.

I actually like James, he's different, but I like different. His sense of humor reminds me of my sister and I when we're together. So it's fun being around him. I got his number off him the same night I met Bryden, but I had a crush on James since he came over to visit that first roommate of mine wearing aviator sun glasses 3yrs ago. I had only met him a couple times. He was gunna come to my housewarming party which turned out to be a bust and I told him it was gunna be boring so don't. So he had messaged me saying "Hey, I'm having a party, you should come." Me: "where and what time?" Him: "In my pants any time." Me: "I'll keep that in mind." I was totally laughing that was awesome. This was before April.

So because I have a crush on James I obviously wanna get to know him and not just a hook up. Don't get me wrong, i would prob sleep with him. I was like, ok I should try and hang out with him. So he hit me up and we went for brunch one morning at Reds, love that place. I had fun. We walked around all over. We were drinking with breakfast. I think his was hot choc with a mint shot of something. I was on mimosas. So my tab was around $30. I don't care I had a great time, I never order mimosas with breakfast. I was telling him about Cali my cat who who has a bladder problem, he said he had a cat that peed so he peed on the cat. OMG I laughed so hard. Then I told my friends cause it was so funny. I totally understand where he was coming from. I also told him about Cali and that he should come. If it hadn't been so close to my leaving date and he had a passport he mighta done. He seemed like he would. He actually picked up a passport application when I was with him. I get along well with ppl who are spontaneous and impulsive. Cause I am too.

He's a hipster, so I don't know a single band he was talking about. But I wanted to. When I was in Cali he sent me a link to a band. When I got back I was like screw waiting around I need to get laid, it's been too long. So I hit him up. I was like "Hey if the offer for the party in your pants is still good lemme know. If not this is awkward lol and we can stay friends." Awkward, no response. So I messaged him about the music he sent me. Nothing. So friends, who knows if that's gunna happen now. Crap. Now I'm embarrassed and my ego hurts a little. I'm not gunna bother him again. I was like maybe he forgot what I looked like or how fat I am or something, maybe he's seeing someone now. I have low self esteem obviously. Who knows tho.

 Karissa had told me that she had made out with James right after we hung out with him at the pub which was slightly irritating since he hit me up and she knew I liked him. But of course I don't poach, so when I was talking to her about it I asked if she was cool if anything happened. She said yah no biggie. She was already seeing someone so I don't really know and she's still involved in the fkd up twisted relationship with the convict loser. Just took them a while to make it exclusive. I still think she was jealous tho cause that's how women work. She said "I think he sleeps with everyone tho. Who knows if it's true." I didn't tell her I tried to hook up with him. I don't talk to her about him at all. I wasnt even gunna mention breakfast. So that's the James story. (Lol He contacted me right after I posted this, I think he read it, maybe. Ugh now I don't know what I want.)

Bryden, that guy I told you about who I went on that date with and was not my type. Hahaha I let him read my blog when I talked about him. He's like "I tried to sleep with you?" Me "uh yah. Come to my house for dinner?'" on the first date?" Then you slept with the girl who did come over for dinner after me?" Him: "Well I wasn't planning on having sex it just happened." Me: "Oh really, it just happened lol? So you're saying you don't want to sleep with me?" Him: "Of course I want to sleep with you ..." Me: "I rest my case." He's attractive.

Thomas hit me up not long after I moved into my new place. "Hey what are you doing, wanna hang out." Me: "Ok, but I'm not sleeping with you." We almost slept together once. He kept getting undressed and i kept making him put his clothes on. It was so funny. I mean I felt bad, it's a hit to the ego for sure. Every time he comes over (like 3 or 4 times in 3 yrs) it consists of making out and me still telling him I'm not gunna sleep with him. I know him, he just wants to hook up. It just feels wrong. Him: " I'm not a pig." Me: "I'm not giving you head either Thomas. I get nothing out of that." I've never given him head. He asked once tho and I was like "No." he was like "What, why?" Back to the first bit, he said "What no we don't have to do that, you enjoy making out with me too." Anyway so Thomas was supposed to come over just to kick it. I knew he would try when he was here, duh. He didn't end up coming, I didn't actually expect him to when I flat out told him. He said he got lost. I didn't believe him but when I told my friend, she was like you gave him the wrong directions. Damn, so who knows if he really did or not. I don't make much of an effort where he's concerned. He always randomly messages me. (He deleted me and blocked me after I posted this - oops)

Frank. Frank I met on pof like 3-4yrs ago and never met in person. We always talked on the phone We got talking a lot, like every day. We kept trying to meet up but it didn't happen. We finally did. He's a really nice guy.

I have had sex 3 times in the last 15 months with one person. I have not had sex in months. It sucks. I need to get laid. By someone I care about ... lol just thought I'd give myself a little reminder there.

Due to some comments I received, I would like to clarify to the men mentioned here that I am not a player. I'm not the type to fuck with peoples emotions.

I'm not actually dating or seeing any of these guys so I'm single until otherwise stated. Who wants to go on a date?! lol

Ok, so back to my apartment:
So Vicky was like "Hey can I move in for a couple months till I get on my feet and move out?" Vicky has practically been living on and off on my couch for the last 3 years and never gave me any money. Sometimes we'd get liquor groceries or take out on her. I always did smoker her smokes. Her living on my couch caused a lot of problems with my roommates. I told her I didn't know if it would be a good idea. Her: "It's just for a couple months, if we start to argue I'll stay at my moms or Sams for a couple nights." I told her I don't know because things would be different. She basically could do whatever she wants and I'd have to tolerate it because she paid rent and lives here. I already had rules for her before she moved in.

She decided that she only wanted to stay for a month, then she decided to ask me If she could stay for just half a month and I can find someone to take over the room. Then she tried to bail out all together and tell me I'm selfish. That I should learn to not rely on other people. Are you.. kidding me? I should not rely on my best friend to pay rent on the 1st when she said she would? This was literally right before the 1st and I was pissed. I tried to find someone cause I'm nice like that. She tells me I'm selfish all the time and I keep my mouth shut. She used to tell me that everything went down hill when she started hanging out with me. I was like um, if that's how you feel... leave! I don't care, how dare u.

This is after her bitching at me countlessly slamming doors screaming and crying like a little 14 your old snotty child. So this time when she called me selfish it was first thing in the morning and I asked if she had a bus pass for me, because she was supposed to give me a few cause I gave her some and was running out of money. So I lost it, I snapped. I screamed slammed my hands on the counter "I'm selfish! I'm Selfish! You've been living on my fking couch on and off for 3 years and have never once offered me money, and I never asked because you're my friend." People also kept pointing out that when guests stay they should help clean, cook. She was usually eating my stuff and making a bigger mess. She thinks she rarely every ate my food. Her: "You're selfish! I was sitting on the floor crying and screaming over money and you wouldn't give me any of my rent money back." Me: "Really, really?! Cause you have no money yet you can go to your moms birthday and buy her dinner?! You know what comes first. Rent! Food! Phone! Mom! You need to learn your priorities. Oh and you managed to move money around, didn't you." her "How dare you, it was my moms birthday and you didn't even come. Instead of cancelling your plans and coming with me like a real friend" Me: "You told me you weren't going cause of work! So I wasn't going! Then you changed your mind a half hour before you had to be there and were only eating and running to get to work in an hr and a half! Kirstyn's parents invited me over for dinner and I already committed! I just found out I have arthritis and they were kind enough to invite me over I wasn't bailing!"

Vicky tries to guilt trip me and I see it and I just don't acknowledge it. I knew what she was thinking when I told her I was going to Kirstyns parents instead of her moms. I just didn't care because she was being ridiculous and immature. After that I just left. So I avoided talking to her. She prob did the same i don't remember. Then the flood happens. She was staying at Kirstyns while she was away. She dispatches at night. So she gets off at like 6am. I go to take the train and they shut it down. This was obviously after she got off work and was sleeping. Tbh I didnt even know the magnitude until i was at the train station. I don't watch the news. I didn't know anything was flooded. So I text her, wake up you gotta check on your family. Pinged her a few times on bbm. Her mom works in deerfoot meadows. So I was worried she may be stuck in it. What does Vicky do? She texts me yelling at me screaming telling me I'm a fking idiot and she's a dispatcher and that her family lives no where by that and that I'm trying to be a hero." I snapped again and I started to type so many mean and nasty things back, then I deleted it. I just said "Ok then, I dont want to be your friend anymore." her "I'm glad you said it first, when I'm done I'm done and I wont come back." Then continued to throw insults at me. I just didn't respond I deleted her from bbm. Blocked her on facebook and made it so her family and friends on my fb cant see anything new. She has a tendency to be vindictive.

 Obviously I saw her again cause she lived here. But i was avoiding her. She had sex in my house a cpl days after she moved in. I haven't even had sex in my house.  She came in saying how everyone said I should still be your friend and blah blah. I was thinking. Uh that was my decisions not yours buddy. She was supposed to watch the cats when I was on vacation but backed out. So Kirstyn said she would. Then Kirstyn said she wouldn't for the whole time and Vicky should help. I just told Kirstyn I don't want to be friends with Vicky anymore. So I wasn't happy. So the day before I leave I told Kirstyn I need cat litter because I need to change the box. We can get some now and I can do it or you can get some later and do it tomorrow. She said she would do it tomorrow. I also told her I didnt want Vicky watching the cats the whole time alone, so dont let her if she tries. She's terrible at taking care of them and left the cats on the balcony to find Tobi had escaped. They were out there for hours. Also she was looking after Kirstyns dogs and forgot to feed them one day, so someone else had to and they were filthy. When I saw them I was like are you kidding me? So I leave Kirstyn instructions, she wanted to walk Cali. Yes I walk my cat! They used to get fresh air all the time and watch the world from the balcony. Half my balcony is above ground cause im on ground level. So i let her get fresh air. Tobi is scared tho, we didn't make it outside without her tripping balls.

So I get a text the night before I fly home from Cali, saying Cali pissed and shit everywhere. Can you tell her I named her after my home state? lol. I was like "has the cat litter been changed?" I was so angry, can you guess the answer to that question? Kirstyn never got the cat litter, Vicky never even tried to change the box "I actually realized it was dirty the day before you got back but I don't do that and if I knew I had to I woulda paid Tanya to do it." WHO THE FUCK DOESN'T KNOW A CAT BOX NEEDS TO BE CHANGED!!??? Kirstyn ended up letting vicky watch the cats the whole time. So my cats were neglected. I told them "well if I have children neither of you will watch them. You gunna forget to feed them or lose my children? It'll be Darcy or Dave and Kathryn or Bobbi." She locked Cali in a room for a day. Shoved her face into it. I stopped doing that, 1. because it messes up their sinuses it's bad for them and 2. because it makes no difference at this point.

So this is what happened when I was gone in my house... Vicky had some friends stop by and show them my place, not my room.Then she told me she had her ex over and they had sex on my floor not my bed. She didn't pay rent this month. Why the hell is she fking in my house?Then they slept in my bed. Then she tripped out and kicked him out. He came over the next day. Jumped over my balcony and let himself in. She washed my sheets cause she thought I'd like fresh sheets, and my favorite blanket because she sneezed and got snot all over it... would you believe her? Snot on my blanket? Disgusting. Snot or otherwise eww So I have pretty much been trying to avoid her since. Because if she makes me angry enough to scream like that I shouldn't have her around me. If she couldn't kick my ass i may have hit her by now. I left cornbread on the counter thinking she'd have some. When I came back it was moldy sitting on the counter. Kirstyn felt bad about Cali so came over helped me clean. Of course Vicky only cleaned up after Vicky. Which was a lot of stuff. When she moved I made sure she took all of her stuff. I mean everything. I love her, I just don't liker her anymore. She does good things too. I mean she helped me moved, she left little notes around the house telling me where everything was. My meds, my bathroom stuff to get ready etc. she helped with my stitches. When I got a call my mom was in a hospital she took a taxi over in the middle of the night and sat with me till we found out what happened. I decided to be an idiot and was completely obliterated once and she came and looked after me cause I was seriously trippin out. This was like 3yrs ago. I'm sure there's more. But in my head the negative out weighs the positive. Ok, I'm done ranting about Vicky.

Friends: I just don't really feel loved here, like people deep down don't care, otherwise they would care more. Treat me better, be less disrespectful. Maybe I expect too much. I'm always happy with Dave, Kathryn and Darcy. Nothing bad to say. They're the settled down type. I like those type of friends.

Tanya, I can go months without seeing her, then I see her all of a sudden when things are going wrong with her fiance.

Karissa has a serious drug problem, just lost her job, still has that convict loser she loves around. It's the whole bobby whitney enabling each other in a mentally abusive situation. I try to be there but I refuse to be around her when she's on drugs. I'm starting to get to the point where I don't want to see her, because it pains me to see her hurting herself like this. I told her she really needs to go to rehab. "I always pull myself out of it, I will." "That's what I'm worried about, you always pull yourself out but you haven't this time. You lost your job." Obviously a lot more happened then just her job but I wont go into that. I know how hard it is, I was an addict when I was a teenager. I pushed everyone away. Always chose it over them.

Then we have Kirstyn. She forgets me all the time. I have told her countless times. We went three weeks without talking once because I was waiting to see if she would call me or text me. I was the one that had to text her. I miss the way she used to care about me and the quality time we used to have. I miss seeing her parents as much. I love her family. I know she loves me and cares, I hope she does, it just doesn't feel the same. She just needs to remember that I'm important too. She's my bestest best friend here. She was really there for me at one point. I'm seeing her more now that she's down the street. She's been trying and I'm glad. I miss her. I need to not be alone so much and i need her emotional support.

Dave and Kathryn, they just bought a house. I cant wait to see it when it's built. It's on the outskirts of the city. I went over there for my Birthday. We got trashed. Kathryn cooked. I love going to their place. It's always fun. They live across the street from my ex's apt that he owned. Dave was so drunk, this is what he said to Kathryn "I'm not avoiding marrying you, ok I am, but only because we can't afford it right now. I'll get you pregnant don't worry. When I'm ready I'll just do it and she wont even know." She wants to get married and have babies like most women lol.

Darcy is having another baby. The 1st one is so damn cute.

Random: I think my neighbor jacked my stuff. $80 and my candles from my house warming. Only 2 out of 3. I was thinking, seriously? If she took all three I wouldn't have even noticed. I have memory loss. I'm really paranoid though so I can't say for sure. I think things are missing all the time, but seriously I always find those and I haven't found these. I checked my books to make sure I didn't stick my money there out of paranoia. I also held on to my purse real tight cause I always lose money and I know I made it home. I zone out so I also put things places unconsciously.

Kirstyn made a penis cake for my birthday. I've been talking about wanting a penis cake for years. I didn't know but she asked what kind of frosting I said chocolate. So I got a big black cock that said Happy Fucking Birthday hahaha. I love her, that was awesome. Then we went for dinner and had drinks at her work. We normally do my moms vacation home but cause we're broke and Canmore is still rebuilding after the flood. Mom's vacation home is at the top of a mountain so its all good.

By the way, there was a huge flood here if you didn't realize that by now. It was bad. Half the city was flooded. The hippo almost escaped the zoo and the wild cats were locked in jail cells. I was so worried about all the bunnies and squirrels that must have died. My friend said they sense those things tho. There was this pic of a man trying to save his cat, his truck upside down in the flood, head just above water. They said he saved his cat. I hope it's true. I was so sad to hear three people died. I really wanted to go to High River to help, they got slammed, the whole town was underwater and destroyed. I left town during stampede. My old neighborhood flooded. Had I not moved I would have been evacuated. I was such a spaz about it all too  because i was in the middle of two flood zones. Phone service kept cutting out. I call my mom yelling in her answering machine. I kept calling and calling. I had my bag packed with the things that were most important to me, I took Carries ashes. No way I'm leaving that behind, the cats stuff. Kathryn brought me food. Cause I had no money. I was supposed to pick some up but couldn't make it dt. I filled all my containers with water. I laughed at myself after. I was like ok, if shit goes down and this area floods. Me and the cats are going to sport check stealing a canoe and picking up kirstyns dogs. She lives down the street and was out of town when it happened. I freaked my neighbors out hahahaha they thought we were starring to flood, cause I was being such a spaz. I laughed so hard and apologized. Some of my friends were evacuated. One lost her car, tho she was happy. Insurance covered the vehicle so they took out a new loan on a new car. They also got money for being flood victims.

California: Gods honest truth I didn't think I'd make it back. The odds were stacked against me. I had no money. I had to renew my visa in order to travel and get back into Canada and I was moving. The reason I was so mad about Vicky the rent and $ is because that was what was getting me back home.

So the week I sent off my visa I was thinking, I hope it's not like the royal mail and goes on strike... they went on strike. My documents didn't even show up in the system as processed. But I got it back within two weeks. I sent it in as urgent since it was last minute. I've lived here for over 5yrs now. Then I didn't have a dress. I didn't think that was gunna happen. I wanted my hair done, my friend who usually does it messed it up and it went this really ugly gray green colour. So Rob paid for my hair and dress as a bonus for being awesome!

So I fly in. Captain says landing is gunna take a minute due to last week events. Last weeks events? As soon as we get off someone tells me a plane crashed at SFO the week before. Thank god I didn't know before I flew. This is what happens when you don't watch the news. Though I still rather I not know things. Plus who needs the news when u have fb?

So Jason was picking me up from the airport. His mom let him use the car. He wasn't there waiting when I got off. I was like seriously, my flight was even late. He was driving from Sac to get me so anything coulda happened on the way. So I get my bag I thought I saw him sitting and not paying attention, I was like, if Jason missed me grand entry cause he's on the phone I swear and walk toward the bathroom. There he was with a sign with my first name and all my last names. It's always a big deal when Jason and I see each other again after me being away. Which is why I was like :( Where's my grand entry. There were two sets of elevators. He was on the one side and i went down the other so we missed each other. I had cheezits and vodka in the car waiting for me. He got a tattoo, his nipples pierced and he wears wife beaters. He used to tell me how trashy that was. He laughed "I'm trashy." It's not trashy really, it's the fashion. I just can't believe I didnt know about it. I dont really talk to my friends from Cali unless I'm coming home. I mean Jayce and I talk but it's the random phone call every few months. We're talking now but if it takes me forever to get back it will be more distant. Doesn't matter. He loves me all the same, we just have our own lives. Makes are time together more special.

Safe to say I was hungover the next day. So a bunch of Jasons guy friends come over. We're taking shots. No one is clinking glasses and then taping the bottom of your shot glass to the table and shooting it. I was like "No you have to do it the Canadian way." So I showed them. So Anthony leaves the kitchen and a Chris comes over, then Anthony came back so we're all about to do a shot and Chris was like "Noo you have to do it the Canadian way." Anthony "I know how to do it, I was already here!" Hahaha apparently it's not even Canadian but they think it is now. I hope they pass it along and tell more ppl it's Canadian.

I was staying at Jasons for the first time. He has his own place now. Him and his ex husband are roommates. Jasons room looks like it did back in high school it was comforting. We shared a bed, he's gay. He had all the gifts i gave him in high school displayed on his desk. I know he didn't do it for my benefit, he had it there all along. Made me happy. I used to get him really unique cultural stuff.

I spent my whole trip around gay guys. Which I never do. Not because I don't want to but because I only know one gay guy in the city. It was fun. California was like a hard slap of reality. My life here is so different. I feel more sheltered. I met one girl who was transgender, which never bothered me. My mom owned a clothes store growing up and once in a while after it was closed she would throw parties for the transgender, so they could buy clothes too. I met a guy who took hormone pills to make his boobs grow. I don't remember how we got into that. I think I was like 16. I did not live a sheltered life that's for sure. But I'm glad I wasn't. I'm more accepting of different peoples beliefs, I'm not as judgmental as some. I'm open minded.

Back to my trip. So I came with $100 bucks to my name. I felt hella bad but I made it. Seriously, Jason made my whole trip awesome. He's been sober 6 months so it was like having my real Jason back for the first time in 10yrs. I'm so proud of him. We spent a lot of time by the river.

Me "No it's cold." I'm in the water up to my hips. Jason walking toward me. "You swore you wouldn't!" him "Just give me a hug liz" as he starts following me around in the river with evilness in his eyes. Anthony runs in the water "I didn't swear on anything and tackles me into the water." Jesus, Jasons ex husband let him use the car. I was supposed to have a party at the lake. I asked Jason if I need to put the area code infront of the text so I can text everyone who's coming. No he says. Then he tells me no one is messaging me back and we should cancel the party (we didn't have a lot of money left really). So there I am feeling like a loser and no one loves me. I needed the area code. So I didn't see Ben or Kara or Lauren or Heather. I did see Isabell and her kids, Beth, Vell, Emmaleigh and Dejah. I was seeing Sara, she was coming from Utah just to see me. Her son ended up breaking his leg. All the other days she was booked with family stuff so it didn't happen. It's been 7yrs since I saw her. Jason, Dejah, Vell and Sara were my best friends growing up. That's how I saw it anyway.

So after the airport on the way back we stopped so we could see the bay. The first time I've smelt sea watter in 3yrs. I wish I had more time by the ocean. We were gunna do a road trip but Sarah his sister was gunna let us use the car and didn't because her circumstance changed. Then he took me to my favorite Chinese food in Citrus Heights where I grew up. Still tasted the same. I maxed my first credit card on Chinese food. I'm fat, are you really surprised?

I don't even care, I had a great time by the river hanging out and drinking with Jayce's friends. Jesus cooked me authentic mexican food, cause he's mexican. He's such a sweetheart. Spent time with my sister. She didn't have a lot of Gas money so I saw her about 3 times. She came to the airport to drop me off which was nice. I wish we had more time. I didn't really spend any one on one time with anyone except Jason. We saw our dad, he's actually Marissa's father but I grew up with him so he's dad. Isabel was great. I surprised her at her coffee shop. She's like my aunt, she's known me since I was like 4 or 5. I called and her husband answered. I told him I was in town and he said she'd be there until whenever right.

I saw Vell. That DID NOT go as expected. I hadn't seen him in 10yrs. First of all let me say this. I tagged him in 3 pics on fb and he only allowed the one I wasn't in, on his wall. Not cool. So, he joined the Navy and I moved out of the country. He's my sisters ex step brother. My sisters dad was married to his mom and they had a kid together. So I spent a lot of time around him. Well it turned out him and I liked each other and we never said anything. It was actually his mom that told me he liked me. I was thinking no he doesn't and if he does this might be a trick to get me to say I like him and then never let me hang out with him.

Over the years we talked about what if. I was married. He kept saying he was gunna come visit me for 10yrs. Always got my hopes up and never showed. He shoulda just been straight up and said I cant afford it in stead of saying yah yah I'm coming.

So he came over the night we saw him. Jason and I are very affectionate with each other, we hold hands, we cuddle, hug. Especially since we didn't have a lot of time together and it was only a week. I had been gone 3yrs and have felt so alone. I felt really loved. So we obviously were like that all the time. Well we picked Vell up. He's sitting in the back. Jason holds my hand while driving.

So we're at Jasons drinking, catching up. I was so excited to see him and spend time with him. I still thought he looked great. He was talking about losing weight but I thought he looked fine. I thought he meant tone up. But he meant more cardio. So I'm asking him about his fiance. I wanted to know how he popped the question. So he told me, I don't remember now. She's Japanese with and Australian accent. He just moved back from Japan and left the Navy. So I asked if he's gunna move back, or are they going to Oz or moving to Cali. He doesn't know.  But he said not Oz cause he would sleep with everyone. I asked if his fiance was ok with that. He said she doesn't wanna know. I felt like he was telling me this for a reason, like hitting on me. Which wouldn't have been a problem but who knows, maybe not, by his behavior. Then he brings up the story about how his mom found us tickling each other on the bed and the whole we liked each other thing. He was like don't deny it you liked me. I said I wasn't denying and I did like you. He asked who else I loved and kinda pointed around the room in a circular motion as if to say... Jason, the room was empty apart from Emmaleigh's boyfriend. I was like "Jason, yah but there's nothing there. We never slept together." He was like "Yah, but you did stuff." "Me not really I kicked them out, didn't mean anything anyway we were drunk. Plus he did something when I was married and my husband didn't even care. It's not like that. It's not sexual." Really in all actuality it was but we were wasted and it wasn't a turn on and he was just drunk. Don't ask, it was hilarious to me, really. Kicking them out of my room. He's gay. It was nothing. Him "Yah, YOU stopped it." My female friends get it. Ugh then he told me I should stop smoking, I never did that before. I told him I've been smoking on and off since I was 15. I quit btw, the Saturday I got back. I was broke and forgot my smokes in Jasons car. $5 there can u believe that?

So later that night Jason leaves to go see some guy. Vell kept saying how he's probably at a club drinking or doing karaoke. I kept thinking, he would obviously tell us and invite us. So he kept going on about it and kept saying he was gunna try and get Jason to drink. So then we start arguing about it. I reminded him a few things about what happened when he was an alcoholic. He's like "he seems like he's in a good place now." I was getting mad. I was like "you're kidding right now right?" He said no and then agreed not to try. We're sitting on the couch and he puts his head on my shoulder. I wasn't sure if I should put my arm around him or what. Then I'm having a smoke outside and he goes on about Jason again. He said he was gunna text him. Jason told me later that he tried calling him too. I told Vell if he wants to do Karaoke he can go to the neighbors where it's happening." So Jason gets back, Vell says he's going for a walk and apparently added "Something you should do." as he walked out the door. I might have caught it but I took my medication and I was trashed. Jason asked me the next day and said he came back in when I was gone and said "She would be the last person I ever sleep with." He asked if I hit on him. I said not at all. Then he told me what Vell said as he walked out the door. I told him maybe it was cause he drank a whole bottle of Jack and we were arguing I don't know.

So I decided I wanted see Vell again. I mean it's been 10yrs and he was my best friend. We talked a lot when I was in England. So we're hanging out again playing a card game with a group of people. When Vell says something to cut me down. I don't remember what but Jason caught it and said no insults. Then we're playing the game when I get the card "What's my super power." Vell laughed, showed Jason, Vell was like it's mean so I shouldn't. Jason agreed it was mean and he shouldn't. Showed Jasons friend who also agreed. He didn't play it, but the next go he put down the obesity card. Deej randomly socked me at one point so I turned around and punched her hard twice. I was like "Seriously I have this bitch over here hitting me and this fool insulting me." I said it like a joke, but I meant it. Deej, that's acceptable. Deej is random like that lol. Jason and I went to walk to get smokes. I asked if it was the obesity card, he said yes. He asked if I wanted him to keep things like that to himself because it's mean and he doesn't want to hurt me by telling me. I told him I'd rather know the truth. He says he just doesn't think Vell holds me in the same high regard, as I do with him. I agreed.

Later I showed Vell a pic of my dining room. He was like "Are they real books?" Are you fucking kidding me. I'm not an idiot like he thinks I am. Just cause I drop out in conversation or forget what we were talking about mid sentence. I can't help that. I have a medical condition. I take a lot of medication to help me. I responded "Yes, they're real books. I like to read." I felt like he was justifying himself too. I know you just moved back and don't have a job yet, you just left the military in Japan. It's not a biggie, I don't judge you. I don't expect you to have your own place right away. It takes a while to get everything together when you make a big move. I've lived in 3 countries for petes sake. Also he seemed bothered by the fact that Jason saw me in England Seattle and Calgary. Vell was like "It's really expensive from Japan, I really wanted to see England tho." I think I told him I know some ppl if he needed a place to stay. He stayed over, didn't drink much the night before. I was a little rude asking if he drank a lot. I was trying to figure out why he was being a jerk. We did get to talk when everyone was gone for a little while and catch up. He was nice then. I enjoyed talking to him.

I just don't get it. Was he jealous or is that the person he turned into after 10yrs? He checked flights to see how much it would cost to visit. Which also confused me, cause if he didn't like me now why would he come to see me? He can come, I don't have a problem with him. He's the one with the problem apparently. I wanted to ask but it don't need to cause drama. I still thought he was cute but apparently I'm a cow.

I asked him if I'm the same. He said "Not at all." I asked how, He said "your slimmer, you've been married, you've seen things, you're comical." me "Well I'm glad I'm funny." him "I didn't say that." Me "Well then." If he liked me when I was a really fat teenager and I'm slimmer now ...? When we said our goodbyes I said "We turned into very different ppl haven't we. Lets hope it's not another 10yrs." Him "It wont be." He was nice in some ways. He paid for some things. When he wasn't insulting me I in enjoyed his company When we took a picture he moved his hand on my back a little. I took it as mild affection, but maybe his hand was twitching or something lol.

So I got to see Emmaleigh. They took a 3hr bike ride on her bf's bike to come see me. Emm and I have history. Long story. So she stayed the night and they left the next morning. Jason prob spent at least $800 while I was there, with everything. He rented a car the afternoon before I left. Him and Marissa disappeared for a while and that's when I chatted with Vell. I was passed out on the couch for a few hours on accident. I apologized. One night It was just Vell and I in the living room. Jason and Jesus were asleep. I passed out on the couch. When I woke up i went up to bed. Vell was asleep. He mentioned waking up and he was all alone.

 So the night before I left, Jason Marissa and I went to Colfax. Jason and I used to go lay out and watch the stars. He's like "You know how we ended up finding this place? You called me and said lets go see the stars. I didn't want to. Then you told me your mom hit you and you needed to get away and go." He came and got me and we did. He's the only one who knew. I didn't remember that. I always have a happy memory associated with Colfax. On the way back to the city he took me out to see the best part of the city. "Hold on let me grab my mace and my taser." Way to make a girl feel safe. So he shows me this one spot, then says the best one is under the bridge. So we're walking under a bridge at like midnight. The tracks start spacing out and you can see river under you, so Jason told me to walk on the mesh. So I'm terrified cause I can't see and I hear it squeaking under my feet. Jason "Don't you trust me?" Me "Noo! How are you going to pull me up if I fall through." So we went back.

Earlier that day Dejah pulled a pink taser out of her purse. What is the world coming to? Any way

Spent some time with Deej. Beth came over my last night there. So I went to the HS reunion. Deej did my hair and makeup. Saw some people. No one I was really friends there except my old neighbor Scott. This one guy named Chris is sooo hott. It's the lip ring that really does it, tho he was funny. Everyone was really friendly. You could hear a little gossip tho. There was prob only like 20-40ppl who came. It was good seeing everyone all grown up. I had fun. Jason and I danced just a little. Got some great pictures. He had a shirt that matched my dress so we colour coordinated. Everyone was like "I bet you came from far away, it probably took you forever to get here." Me "No, it was a 3hr flight." Someone traveled further then I did, she came from Tennessee. I think after the reunion Deej and I drank at Jasons. Next day we wondered around Mesa our old high school. Jayce gave me a boost on top of the sign. I thought I'd kill him. He's not more then 180lbs.

Jason was cooking dinner for Marissa,Vell, Jason and I. I went in the kitchen put my hand on his back and he turned around and started dancing with me. Made me laugh cause I was thinking I wish Jason would dance with me. I wondered if it bothered Vell, he prob didn't care.

We went to Jayce's step dads. Swam with his sister and his nephew. God his nephew is gorgeous, he's gunna be so handsome when he grows up.

It did bother me that everyone thinks I'm ditzy. Ugh. Oh and ppl from California, you can never get a word in. I kept trying to talk then I'd get cut off. That's my job, cutting ppl off on accident. I missed Canada where I can talk and no one interupts. Pretty sure they aren't listening half the time. When ppl pressed me to drink he defended me and said I'm on a lot of meds. I would tell him when to cut me off cause I get carried away. I'm glad he did.

I was baked the whole time it was awesome. Jason and Marissa have cards. Marissa's epileptic. Did you know the weed store there by the gvt has pre rolled blunts and joints and thc pills and edibles. Holy. The reason they pass out cards so freely, I think is because they're regulating it and profiting from it. The more the merrier

Sorry my stories aren't in chronological order. I'm all over the place...

Back to my regularly scheduled life: Mom didn't have surgery... again. I feel bad. Her insurance company wont approve it because it's damage of cosmetic surgery from her gastric bypass so they're fighting with them. I'm going to start volunteering at the elderly home down the street. There's a library too. I wanted to join the gym. Spa lady sucks tho. They don't have yoga classes in the afternoons or weekends. I also don't want to commit to a contract right now. My life may go completely upside down in the next two months and I'm scared. My income that is. If I have no money, I'm hooped. My whole life. Everything I've been working on to rebuild my life. I don't want to end up where I was two years ago. I need to get a new roommate. I don't want one. I like living alone. My finances are doing ok right now. I have food a nice roof over my head. Behind on bills from when I went to California and paying rent on my own. So I'm catching up. I'm trying to prepare my life in case it all goes wrong. But trying not to dwell on it. I've been praying to god. Whenever I can. I cried to him last night. Like literally cried. I've never cried to god before. I broke my necklace chain so I don't have my religious charms around my neck. I lost St. Jude in the move.

I looked at myself in a picture yesterday. I'm so miserable with the way I look. Really. I need new jeans cause their wearing out in the thighs. I could prob do with a size up. I need new clothes and shoes I just can't afford them right now. I know I'm too fat when my stomach sticks out further then my boobs. I really am having a hard time controlling my junk food and cooking for myself. I just don't know why I'm not cooking. I walk a lot. Not enough. I don't get as much exercise as I need.People keep telling me I've lost weight and I keep telling them the scale says the same. Then they say I've toned up. That's from carrying heavy ass groceries home over an over pass. I lost 85lbs once and only gained 35 back. I know I'm capable of doing this.

My house will go from complete disaster to clean to complete disaster again. I get depressed and I don't feel good. Man the other week, I wore myself out so bad. I hadn't been in that much pain in a very long time. It hurt to open my mouth. Move, use my arms. It was excruciating.

Milena was in town for Robs HS grad. Rob dropped her off at mine, he was kinda rude tbh. Milena, "he's just trying to look good around his mate." his buddy was in the car. Boy did I hear all kinds of stories about him and Chris. They wouldn't be happy that I know what I know lol. It was funny. Had fun with her.

I don't really know what I'm doing with my life. Just kinda floating along. I came to the final realization when I was in California that I really need new friends here. That go out to eat or to a movie, go camping or to a lake for the day. Fun, spontaneous, up for a good time. So I looked online and they have meet up groups in Calgary and it gave a list. So I signed up for a few. Which is free. They have a cuddle group, can you believe that? You learn to cuddle with random strangers. Um no, try and touch me like that and I'll break ur fingers. Any way. So I went to my first event Friday night. A lot of fun, I talked to a lot of people. Did some dancing. Only brought $20 to spend. So do you guys remember me telling you about the older asian touristy guy I danced with at aussie rules? Anyway he was the leader of this group haha. One of the girls was there too and I was talking to her when I was there. Another girl looked familiar. I think we figured out she was on pof. They were like "you look at girls?" me "yah" them "Well all girls look to check out the competition right?" I didn't want to be like, no, i like women. I should do tho. After a cpl hrs I bounced and went to see Kirstyn, she was bar tending that night. Yay to free drinks.

I messaged Tim. I know, I know. Nada. Whatevs. I mean I've lost all my dignity where he's concerned years ago.

I never usually go out on a Friday but I had a great time. I signed up for a couple more events. I'm looking forward to it. I'm praying and have my fingers crossed that life stays good and stable.

I know I'm depressed but life is pretty good right now. I'm fortunate. Whenever i doubt myself I think of my tattoo. What did I learn from yesterday?

Hope you're all keeping well. Talk to you guys some point in the future xx













My sis and I





delta king boat.

really cool pic i took

State capital

the bell, pyrimid and the dude wearing the bow tie were the presents. Bow tie not included lol


Reunion, Deej on the left.

Me crying at the airport when I'm leaving Cali


Some of my friends names have been changed. So I don't piss them off by telling everyone it was them.

Tuesday, April 2, 2013

Long Time No Blog... written

Hey guys, written format which will be much quicker for you to read then watch. Thanks to those of you who watch me talk about my life for an hour lol. I'll post another video soon enough.

Life, 

I talked to Taylor before Christmas because he texted me telling me how much he missed me and how I was his best friend. It was Christmas, it got to me. So I finally decided to tell him why I stopped talking to him. He apologized, said he fucked up. Said I was his best friend, practically his girl friend at one point (now he admits it). Still wants me in his life. I said I was sorry, I cant. I wish him the best but I can't deal with it anymore. I do miss Taylor's taco salads. There are so many times I have wanted to text him to ask him how he made that again.  

Christmas I spent with Luke and Kirstyn's family. I love both their families and that they welcome me like I'm family. I spent Easter with Luke's family. Jim and Deb, some of the best chefs in town along with Jean and Kim. Hazel would be the best chef in Okotoks. So on good Friday I was walking down the street and found a rosary. I took it as a sign.

I saw an old friend I hadn't seen in a while. Her husband works with my ex husband and they're friends. I hadn't seen her in at least 3yrs. They stayed friends with my ex and I just felt they weren't interested in staying friends with me. So I disappeared.  We spent 5 hrs talking in the food court of Southcentre Mall. It was good to catch up. I just recently went to visit them at home. Her kids are teenagers now. They've grown up on me, it's crazy. Her daughter reminds me of my little sister at her age.

Right after Christmas, I volunteered for the first time since spring 2012. I chose the 18-25 group for the movie night. OMG I was given the worst person to deal with. My anxiety I swear, just remembering is giving me anxiety. Took 15min to get him from downstairs to inside the theatre. Bad experience. Then the leader accidentally gave my hat to his parents. My hat from England ... -_-

I did get it back.

I now have emergency anti anxiety pills when I cant pull my shit together mentally. 

The MRI for my spine is in May, finally. I cant sleep without my couch cushions supporting my spine. I have this ache that never goes away. Unlike the usual. I had my physical. Slightly high cholesterol. I have to get my iron levels checked because I'm losing more hair then I should be and its panicking me. I asked if it could be from my medication.  She said no. I hope it stops. It seems ok right now.  No HPV yay. It's really common. A lot of girls I know have it, too bad they don't tell their bf's. Use a condom! I thought I should see how much the vaccination is. They did detect a heart murmur. I had one when I was a kid that was supposed to go away. It turns out I have a problem with my heart. Its ok now, I could have an issue later on. The valve that pushes blood out doesn't close so blood drips back into the valve. Please don't let open heart surgery be on the list of future medical problems. I've been in a lot of pain, and fatigued.

Mom goes for surgery next week. Pray for her.

I saw another family I hadn't seen in a while either. Milena was in town from England so I went to see her. I wish I had more time with her. I was tired that day, I felt hella bad for bailing early. I ended up having dinner with all of them. Got to see Chris and Rob, not that I got to spend much time with them either. Saw their mom who I love to bits. Milena will be back in the Summer. Hopefully I'll get to see the boys again before that. They grew up on me too. They're both men now. They're both a pain in the ass lol. Gotta love em tho. 

Oh, guess what Rob decides to say at the table? Chris is saying something about some loser I dated. I needed him to clarify which one lol. Rob says "the coke head you dated." I put my fork down, looked left at his Dad and straight at his mom. Said "thanks for that, I'm  obviously not seeing him now." him "I should hope not." Milena "Don't you just love them?" Oh my god. I. Was. Pissed! Not gunna lie a part of me wanted to get up and walk right out the front door. I was shocked he'd say that in front of his parents. I don't want them to have a poor opinion of me. I don't see them a lot as it is. I already despise myself for my stupidity. When the boys ask me things, I answer them honestly. It bit me in the ass.

New Years, I actually went out. Kirstyn had a house party so I went. It was awesome. Shot after shot after shot. Awesome when your best friend is a bartender. No hangover either, made sure I was hydrated.

Carries Birthday was Jan 3rd. I had signed up to volunteer at another movie event. This one was kids, teens, young adults.  I thought twice after the last experience I had had, plus being a day that I knew I'd be depressed, wasn't sure if it was a good idea. Then I thought you know what, she would really like it if I did that. So I went. I'm so glad I did. We were budgeted for lunch and a movie. So we're at the food court in Chinook and all the kids see the merry go round. They wanted to go but we weren't budgeted for that. I really really wanted to see them all excited. I went and talked to the guys running the merry go round and they let all of us on for free. There were probably about 15 of us. We transferred the kids in wheel chairs to the sleighs and the rest of the kids went on the ride. They all got little necklaces at the end. Me too, I had to have one lol, for keeps sakes, though it smells weird. I wouldn't have noticed except i like to chew on necklaces. Eww I know. Anyway they were really happy and I was even happier. Seriously I had the biggest smile ever.

Nick, this last roommate I had, let me use his car all the time. Only roommate to do that and it was amazing. Though there was an incident on my way home from visiting my friends in Okotoks that night. I took my medication before I left their house because I take them at 8 and I'm asleep by 10. So I was like ok, I'll pop these bad boys at 8 and make it home by 9 and be out like a light by 10. Well I stayed and chatted a little longer then expected. Then I gave one of them a lift, and had to stop for cat food. On the drive home I thought I ran a red light cause I saw a flash. Then I realized I was a little out of it cause I didn't notice if the light was red or green and I got all paranoid. Anyway, I was grounded for like a month to see if a ticket came in. It didn't. Musta just been a head light tripping me out.

I kept thinking I was fucking up his car. I looked at it one day before I was pulling out of a parking lot and it looked like it had been side swiped. I almost had a freaking heart attack. Nope, he did it, hit a post or something. Thought I cracked the bumper, almost had a heart attack. Again not me. I went out to see Carries cross a few times. Talked to the people who live in her house now. They said they don't think the landlord kept the cat. I wanted to cry. Ironically on the day I left the flowers they saw me climbing through the snow to put the flowers there. They asked if I was the girl with the flowers. The flowers were still there when I went back to visit. Frozen. Which I thought was kinda cool. I'm getting my tatt touched up beg of April.

I got to see Darcy a few times. See her daughter, she's so beautiful. Meadow is her name. I love it. She asked me if I could do it over again would I, if I ended up here any way. She meant with my ex. I told her if I could still have seen the places I saw, Ireland, Greece, Portugal, England etc then no, I wouldn't do it again. I don't think I added.. Though all of those experiences made me who I am whether that's a good thing or not I couldn't tell you, and I wouldn't be here in Canada or have the friends I have or the relationships I've had with the men that mattered to me. Also I cant say yes because I don't know what the alternative  would've held for me. Probably would've been worse.

Spent a lot more time with Dave and Katherine. Archery is one of my hobbies. I got into braids and weapons after hunger games. Guns I was always interested in, I always liked archery but after the movie I wanted to start doing it again. This girl made her quiver. She shot this one arrow that broke another arrow. Hit it dead on, everyone was impressed, it wasn't intentional tho lol. I want a hand made leather quiver, eventually my own bow and arrows. I can be Katniss for halloween. Gotta get hot tho. Anyway, Kirstyn and I went for breakfast at Denny's one day, cause we do that sometimes. We ran into Dave and his best friend Alan. We didn't chat long. I went to see Dave and Katherine at their place. I was so drunk, it was awesome. Later on he invited Alan over so I spent a little time talking to him. A week later I get a message from Dave saying Alan killed himself. I felt so bad for Dave. 

One of my best friends back home ( I know, I have a lot of best friends) had tried to kill themselves a couple weeks earlier. When I heard I was like "How can you do that to me! You were going to leave me like that?! Without even a goodbye?!" That person seems to be doing great now and I'm looking forward to seeing them when I go home. The part that bugs me is I wish I had said what I was thinking before, I was gunna wait till I saw them in person to talk to them about it cause it's a really heavy conversation to have over the phone.

So my conversations with Dave are interesting. He doesn't laugh at me either. When I was drunk I told him my theory.. K so here's the story (don't judge me)

When I was 4 all I remember is this big shadow and my puppy dog nightlight. Apparently the next day I drew a picture and told my mom I saw an alien. She said it was all over the news. Kids had all had that happen to them the night before and were drawing pictures. I was like meh whatevs, weird but who cares. Ok, then not last time but like the time before or the time before that I was back home visiting my best friend. His mom tells me that Jason drew a pic of an alien when he was like 4 and it was all over the news... dun dun dun.

1. That is why we are best friends
2. That is why we both have "issues"
3. It explains why I am sick, my body cant survive in this environment. It's shutting down.
4. We look like all of you. Our dna looks the same, our blood. But we have a lot of things that can't be explained.
5. My dreams, I wake up exhausted like I've been living somewhere else. My dreams are like an alternate reality. Sometimes I see things before they happen. Premonitions as you would call it. I cant control them and I don't remember all of them even though I have a lot of deja vu, sometimes I think they are just a dream. You would tell me I'm full of shit though I've proved it a few times. I told one friend who I worked with that she would be working at a bar again. She said fuck that. Six months later, she lost her job and started working at a bar again. She was impressed with me, not the bar situation. There are a lot more incidents. Like my cop roommate coming home and I told her I had a dream about this hanging last night, she said that was weird because she was at a hanging last night.
6. My hands and feet turn red hot or freezing cold, eventually I think I'll be able to shoot fire and ice out of them (lol I was drunk, but wouldn't that be cool)
7. There is a very questionable incident of sleep walking where I walked up to a mirror and started banging on it screaming "help me!" I was 10.

It's just a theory haha makes me feel a little better about life, at least the being sick part anyway. An explanation of why I'm sick. I obviously don't go around thinking I'm an alien from another planet lol. 

I'm moving. I'll be out sometime between now and June 1st. My landlord is dying so he sold the property. Sold within 2 weeks for $625,000. Nick moved out. Went to Jasper, gave most of his stuff to me. Best roommate I've ever had. Messier then me, but I never complained cause I'm messy too, I was like whatever, fuck it. He fucking bit me in a drunk wrestling match, that little bitch, had a ginormous bruise. Fight like a man lol. Bison grass vodka, dangerous lol. Nicks sexual preference is he's just Nick. Nick is actually bi, or pan I guess. I really don't understand the difference. I guess I'd call myself pansexual, free love? I dunno.

I actually put a deposit down on this awesome condo in Westbrook by the golf course and the river. It's expensive, hopefully I can find a roommate. They take cats so it isn't an issue. I'm not sure what I'm doing with Cali yet as far as where I'll keep her when I'm not home so she doesn't pee on things. I'll have that problem anywhere though. Credit check passed, they shouldn't have any problems with my references. I'm excited and scared.

Oh I went on a date with this chick,  it was lame. She's slutty, had a guy on the go and a shit ton of issues(mental). Went to Molly's in Kensington. She is the only person I've met off of the internet since Ben September 2011. I was done after that shit. I go on and change my profile and shit when I'm bored and check out hot guys lol and the not so hot ones, then I feel bad for laughing. Honestly the idea of meeting someone on there again gives me terrible anxiety. Bunch of fucking crazies. I'm one of em lol.

I was seeing someone last year, if you could call it that, it was brief. He wasn't a random. I don't say much about it. It's complicated. No one knew I was seeing him. I haven't told them who he was. The only thing anyone knows is that I was seeing some guy. Holy Crap, how did I manage that one lol. I haven't seen him since last year. This year he was like "We're done get over it." I wanted to respond with "I didn't know there was anything to get over." Then I thought just because he was hurtful and mean doesn't mean I need to be hurtful back. I asked him to please not speak to me like that and said bye... 

I don't know why but I feel the need to indirectly take jabs at someone when they upset me just to piss them off. Or annoy them by rubbing them the wrong way. You didn't realize I was intentionally trying to piss Tim off with the things I say on here or the messages I sent him? It worked. He hurt me, what was I supposed to do to get back at him right? I'm getting better tho, about not taking jabs. I let things go so I don't lose my temper, it's pretty foul when I let it out. I'll respond with a one word answer like ok or :) when in all actuality I'm cursing your name and wanting to chuck a tissue box at your fucking forehead and sock you really hard in the arm so you can WAKE UP. Then hug you because I really do care about you, you just upset me and I needed to express my frustration. 

So then he contacts me again, the week of valentines being an idiot. Then I got mad.  Stop playing games right! I was like wait, is this a test? Am I supposed to txt him on V-Day? So I did lol. Then I tried seeing him again for a few weeks cause he seemed like he wanted to. He pocket dialed me at one point, intentional probably. I called him once and spoke to him. Good to hear his voice. I wish he really had come over. Got nervous, kept it really short, didn't say anything I planned. What I meant to say was I want you on my table, all over my house all night long. Last text to him I got nothing back. I said hi last week. I wont message him again. Only makes me look crazy. I refuse to chase someone to boost their ego. I think he thinks about me. Part of me hopes he does. If he doesn't oh well, doesn't matter if the end result is still the same. Still blows tho. He chased me for a long time, when he had a girlfriend and when he was single. I cant make sense of it, and I'm done trying. I liked him, feeling isn't mutual. Wont waste my time or wonder what if. Had he not messaged me again. I woulda never text him back after he said we were over. 

You can't end something you never started.

If they aren't seeing you. They don't want you, or care about you and they most likely don't waste much time thinking about you. I hate when ppl string me along. Why do I allow it? Because I don't want to have to reject you if you do come back later on. If I'm seeing someone new, because you wont date me again if it doesn't work out with the dude i'm currently seeing. Cause you men are territorial and don't like when we choose someone over you, you see it as a betrayal even though you really had no claim on us. So I sit here and wait until you make it clear, you want me or not. 

Why do I do that to myself?

It pissed me off and I was a little flattered that he was jealous of the fact my roommate was a guy. He coulda met him. He coulda stayed whenever. If I was chasing other guys, I wouldn't have been chasing him. 

Does it bug me and hurt my feelings? Yes. Am I going to get over it? Yup prob. Would I see him again... ? I don't know. 

It's cool. I said fuck it, went to the pub with my friends the day after I txt him and landed a date. We have a mutual friend. Apparently we have been at the same place at the same time and never managed to meet each other. It was so funny. All the guys at the table had pof. So I handed my phone to the guys who passed it around and they gave theirs to me to critique. One guy was like "I would describe myself as being awesome." Omg if you knew this guys personality, he's such a dork. I laughed so hard. 

Buddy isn't really my type. I know he wanted to hook up. I wasn't down. We'll be friends depending on how i feel when i get to know him. No kissing. Just a hug goodbye. He paid for dinner.

I also don't know why but I cant date men who don't put money into their appearance. I know I shouldn't judge because I look like crap, no make up, yoga pants and a hoodie. Tho I know that I put some money into myself and that I look pretty good when I try. Hair, nails, clothes, waxing. I expect the same. There's something about a guy in an expensive pair of jeans. That's my most expensive clothes purchases. $110 but the jeans last me ages. It's the stitching. I love the stitching. I wanna master high heels. I had a dream I was wearing these creme ones that matched a shirt I bought that I plan on fitting into lol. I can't believe I had a dream about shoes. How sad. 

Ooh you know whats hot and that I miss. A guy walking around in just his sweat pants with no shirt. I mean, naked works too. Damnit! Don't think about hot guys, don't think about hot guys. Now that I'm not as depressed my sex drive has been crazy. Glad I'm not the type to sleep around.

I wish I could skip the hating myself and go back to the loving myself. What is it going to take to force my ass in the gym??!! I do not want to go to my 10yr reunion looking and feeling like this. I need a vice whether it be food, liquor or smokes. I have to break that. It's weakness. I'm not weak! 

Last week Dave pocket dials me. I'm like "hello?" so he realizes and he's like "oops sry." Then he pocket dials me again. I text him, I was like "For fucks sakes Dave, lock your phone you pocket dialed me and I'm pretty sure you were peeing lol." He's like "Whoops yah I was peeing." Haha fuckin Dave. I love spending time with Katherine. She's awesome. I'm glad we're friends.

I'm going back home in July. 10yr HS reunion. I didn't actually graduate from there. I graduated from home school in grade 11. I left after grade 10. Though I switched schools so many times. I know most everyone there. It was my high school, I got yearbooks, and I went to both Jr and Sr prom. Go Mavericks! I haven't been home in 3yrs. My sister is the only family I have there. I'll be staying with Jason. Glad I get to see my friends. I miss them and I'm tired of watching their lives on fb and not getting to be a part of it. I get to go home. It's nice.

One of my friends here is having a substance abuse problem. It sucks watching her do this to herself. I was spending all of my free time with her and then she met this guy. She was getting her shit together and she let this convict loser derail her. He just moved in with her as a "roommate" smh. 

Right now I'm taking care of me. I'm moving, I got a job, I'm going home to visit, I'm going to go out with my friends more and have beers on the patios on Fri, Sat nights. I'm going to get exercise and start eating right. I'm going to make more of an effort on my appearance when I go out. Even if it's to buy milk. I will go socialize more, because I don't need the internet to meet people, I do good with just being me.

I might give my number to the hot liquor store dude. He reminds me of Gerard Butler. Knowing me he looks nothing like Gerard but who cares lol.

Anyway, I think that's it really.

Wish me luck xoxo



Saturday, December 15, 2012

Video blog 2 - Can't believe it's been a year since you died, I miss you.

See pics below



my trail of destruction, can u see where I sunk in?


Her old house
The last xmas tree she put up in 2011, seeing it made it hurt more.

My friend took pictures without me knowing, another bad pain day spent in bed. Trigger point cane.
hunger games braid, did it myself!

My ass, it hurt like a mother and still does.

first stitches!

What I fell on

Her bday before her family celebration.

I did her braid, it's a headband starting behind her left ear. Her niece.

Happy Baby
Bday cake I surprised her with

Took her to red water for her bday. She looks so beautiful.