Thursday, March 11, 2010

In a good mood

So wow last post did i seem bitter and pissed. Lol. I haven't been sleeping great so i've been kinda cranky.

This week I've had my ups and downs but there is a party sat and I'm looking forward to it. This week I've been concentrating on me. I've scheduled my next nutritionist apt cause I haven't seen her in nearly 5 mo's. I've arranged to go to that class for sick people. So I can meet other people who are struggling too, and maybe get some positive advice and techniques to cope. MRI results back, they are all clear so I don't know what the neurologist will say. She did warn me they might not find anything and there is a possibility of physical therapy. I just want to go back to work soon. I miss having my decent income and money to spend freely. I have been having more fun and trying to get out. I called the guidance councelor at my old school and spoke to him about my grades and getting a copy of my transcripts. I have some things to sort out there but fingers crossed I can sort everything out and go back to school. I'm seriously interested in a nutrition degree. What we fuel our bodies with makes a big difference on how we function. Seriously if you don't eat healthy try it for a week or two then eat one meal of junk food. Guarantee you wont feel as good.

Anyhow point is I'm cheerful today. I got a massage and saw my fav masseur and he rocks. He's hysterical and my back feels soo much better. Today is a good day and I'm pretty chipper. Feel kinda bad for my corner store chick she had some heart break last night.

Sunday, March 7, 2010

Fucked by the whole world

Trust ... Trust No One! How can you when no matter what you do you get fucked over? Sex is easy, relationships are hard. I want sex to mean something.

Have you ever been betrayed by the people closest to you? Family, close friends, roommate? I have. Have you ever been kicked while your down and continue to get kicked year after fucking year? I have. Maybe my problem is the people I have in my life. What If I saved and saved and saved, then left everyone behind to start my own life. The life I want, the life I deserve. The memories of the past to be gone because I will be a different person?

I want to be fit, successful, confident, happy. If I count on no one but myself how can I be let down? I'm tired of being hurt, sad, sick, broke, fat, used. I have a lot of anger and hurt inside. I just want one person I can count on for the rest of my life. Sometimes I think I don't want children. Why would I want to bring them into a world where all of this exists? I'm angry and bitter tonight obviously. I have been going on walks this week. I've really enjoyed them. Just me, music and nature. FREEDOM!!!! Do I trust the people who once hurt me the most? Do I trust them not to let me fall? No I don't. I'm not going to say too much because tho I like to think my blog is read by people who know me and care, it will prob be read by people who know me but don't care and misinterpret what I have to say or think what I'm saying is fucked up. Honestly right now I don't give a shit.

I would talk about the new guy more but there isn't much to say yet, we had a good date, enjoyed some good laughs, he's funny and seems easy going and blunt. I'm not going to read too much into anything these days. Who knows where life is going to take me ... hopefully to my masseuse cause my back is killing me. I've let loose a little bit. It's fun however I hate having to babysit my friends when they chose to get carried away. Oh and if one more person says how nice I of a person I am I may just kick them in the crotch to prove them wrong. I am a nice person but people take advantage of that and they can fuck off.

Ps. I'm still broke and living off of Oranges, cereal, toast and water for the most part. Should help the weight loss lol. Oh and not to discredit the people who are good to me in this life ... i just wonder if and when they will fuck me over too. I wish I could trust someone ... on that note, goodnight.