Monday, September 19, 2011


Aish was approved. They're back paying me to April. EI just came through. I got my clit pierced, hurt. I'm applying at U of C, I met with the guidance counselor.

I'm not seeing Ben anymore. He made up some BS excuse and accused me when he was the guilty one. Said he wanted to be friends then treated me like crap. I deleted him from FB and have every intent at ignoring him if he tries to contact me. No matter how much I want to see him. I spent so much time with him during those 2.5 weeks. He acted like we were together. Totally hurts, couldn't get out of bed Saturday night. Cried so much. My best friends came over to console me. I feel like I need to cry td but It wont come out.

I never feel adequate enough for anyone. I'm so hard on myself all the time. I have very high expectations of myself, that I'm not meeting. Doesn't help that he judged me and had no right to given his background.

I have to have an emergency ultrasound today, I was bleeding for over 14 days and they had to give me pills to stop it. Sometimes I wonder why god put me on this earth to give me so many health problems? It's either a hormonal problem, thyroid, or a growth in my womb. They did a pregnancy test which was negative, which is exactly what I expected since I would have been knocked up nearly 5 mo's ago. I'll update u on the results.

Saturday, September 10, 2011

Letting go...

I dreampt about Tim. We had this long conversation. I dont think I've ever dreampt about him.

I have to let him go. It's been a year next month. What I dont understand is why he doesnt block me. Why does he still read the messages I send him?

I was talking to my mom about it. She knows about all the guys I've slept with. I was telling her all I want to do is let him go but I dont know how. Every time I start something new with someone I think about Tim. I dont understand why I liked him so much. That morning he woke up with me.. I wish for that a lot. I also wish it never happened. If I didn't like him before then I liked him after that.

I just want to be able to wake up to someone roll over and snuggle. I just wanna feel loved. I feel so lost. I've been single for 2.5yrs now. It makes me feel like something is wrong with me.

I really hope things go the way I want them to when I head over to UofC this week. I haven't been able to move forward with my life. Thats all I want. To feel like I'm achieving something.

Here is my goal. I'd like to go back to school. I'd like to get a gym membership again. I'd like to volunteer my time at an old folks home as a companion and read to them or play a board game. Something to feel like I'm helping someone and making a difference in this world. I see little old people wandering around all the time struggiling by themselves. It would be nice if they had someone to count on. Fuck their useless family members who dont care about them.

If I lose a lot more weight by next summer, I'd like to get a breast lift and reduction. I'm aiming for a solid C cup. E to a C i dont think thats too bad. Obviously as long its proportionate for my body.

Flights back home are 337 right now. I wanna book a trip. I need to invest in some new clothes. I'll be damned if a man has a better fashion sense then I do. Stupid lulus.

I've seen Ben 5x in the last week. I think thats pretty good. Knowing my luck, I doubt he wants anything. I dont know if he is who he says he is either. I'll give him the benefit of the doubt because I dont know him. I'm getting a colective opinion and my girls dont think he is. My friends have met him already. Niki, Kirstyn and Mara. They all get along with him. I asked my bestfriend what she thought. She said he's not boyfriend material. I was like why because I shouldnt date him or because you dont think he'll want to be. She said both. Shes probably right. He doesn't give off the boyfriend vibe. Probably just end up as someone else I've slept with. Nothin special... I dont want to waste my time with fuck buddys anymore. He doesnt kiss like I do, he's aggresive. He can be really gentle too. I dont know, it turns me on just thinking about him. Which doesnt happen often.... Grr, ok next time I see him I'm gunna see if he wants to do something other then hang at my place and that will be the verdict. He held my hand in front of my friend. Doubt it means anything but it really made me happy.

He was giving me shit for not working. I guess next time he says hows job hunting going I'll have to say I'm not looking for a job. He wont understand. I wont tell him about Aish or my disability unless he's sticking around.

It's my bestfriends 21st this weekend. The one person who loves me unconditionally. I've been up pretty late the last two weekend. I'm knackered.

I just dont care anymore....

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Thank you God

Just had the biggest blessing. Aish approved me. It's such a relief.

Remind me If Shawn trys to talk to me ever again to tell him to go fuck himself. I hate that guy.

Ben... I dont know. I liked him till he talked about hooking up with my friend... not cool. Dunno if hes bein serious or if he's just trying to get a rise out of me. Fuck my trust issues man. Way to make me like you less. At least I'm keeping it real. Who knows, I'm just getting to know him right. I think he's made it crystal that I'm prob just gunna be some chick to him. I really need to start hanging out with dudes who actually take me on dates. I just need to try not to get emotionally invested in this one, so I dont get hurt when he fucks off like the rest of them.

I do give him props for making an effort to see me tho. He's spent a fair bit of time with me, which is nice. Pops in by surprise. I know I'm being insecure. I just feel like I'm never good enough for anyone. That I'm not beautiful. I've just been made to feel ugly and useless by so many people. No matter how many of my friends tell me I'm beautiful I just cant see it.

Can I not just find someone who genuinly likes me and only me?

I'm in such a shitty mood. Fuckin in pain for the last week and a half.

Hoping things finally fall into place and I catch that much needed break.

Monday, September 5, 2011

Oh Fall

Love fall hate winter. Stupid winter is coming, I dont mind the snow but I hate the ice and the freezing temps, If I had a car I would hate driving in it too.

Soooo I spent some time with this dude named Ben last week. He's cool, I like him. Hope I get to spend more time with him. He's had an interesting life. The older I get the crazier peoples stories get. Including mine. He seems to be really honest, which I like. Tuesday he came over, we watched a movie, he met my best friend Kirstyn. He didn't try anything, I told him I wasnt looking to hook up. Couldnt really tell if he was into me. I mean I kinda thought but didnt want to assume. Cause he wasnt really coming onto me. He did tell me I'm gorgeous. He makes me smile. We kissed bye at the door.

I was totally thinking how awesome it would be if he came over the next morning and gave me cuddles... sure enough the next morning he asked if he could come crawl into bed with me... Totally made my week. He's so funny, he makes me laugh. "I'm cereal you guys" u had to be there. He's sweet too. I was having a smoke in my stoop, and he just rubbed my shoulders. I'm trying not to get my hopes up with seeing him again but I hope I do. He has the prettiest eyes. I try not to be so insecure with myself but its hard. I'm just trying to play it cool and see what happens. I'm trying not to talk about him a lot with my friends. I'm not telling them everything either. I figure if he sticks around I'd like there unbiased oppinion.

Oh and he has the best wardrobe of anyone I've seen. Lulu sweats, DC hoodies, DC shoes, sweet ball caps. Kinda wish his lip was still pierced. Thats hot. I feel like I need to be hotter standing next to him... fuck I need new clothes... an income first damnit.

Friday morning at 4am I got a text from my mom saying she was calling 911. She had to take a ambulance to the hospital. I stayed on the phone with her till they got there. Fuuuuck! My step dad is in Egypt for the last few months. My brothers phone was off, so she was all by herself. I had to call my sister and let her know mom was in the hospital. I had like no sleep that day. My mom has me as her executive so If anything happens to her I make the call. She's a DNR and she knows if it came down to it I would be the one to respect her wishes. When she had her gastric bypass something went wrong and she almost died. My step dad gave her a blood transfusion and she was pissed. It's her personal belief. I fully believe that its your life. We all die any way. If you dont want to prolong it then dont. If I was ever in a coma, two weeks is all I want to be kept on life support. If I cant stay alive on my own, let me go in peace.

Anyway, turned out to be her heart. She had a blood clot in the arttery that pumps blood out of her heart. The non invasive procedure worked, so far. So they dont need to operate right now. Thank god. She's home now. I had like 4 hrs of sleep that whole day and then I went out at night cause i promised my bestie. I didnt get to bed till like 5am. That never happens. Safe to say my body is paying me back. I gotta go do it again next weekend cause its her 21.

OMG I LOVE THE YOUNG MONEY CD. Listen to Shanell-Play in my Band ft Lil Wayne. "I'm a fuck her face off, fuck her waist off,... " and "Can you make me sound like the strings you're playin?"

What a week.