Wednesday, May 26, 2010

The goal jeans

So I can button the goal jeans ... I can zip up the pre wedding jeans and close them and I can zip up my leather jacket. All still a bit too tight 21.2 pounds to go. You know your almost there when all of the above happens ... 248.2 WOOT!!

I would like to say I bitch and complain a lot and my life is tough and sometimes I'm lonely this is my blog this is where i vent, but I am Happy a lot happier then I used to be. I could be happier; there are things that could be improved but I am happy.

I found a dealer to buy my car ... not the price I wanted at all I wanted 6 he's offered me 4 ... going to see if I can find a few more places tm see if they can offer me more if not i'll take it back to him and sell. At least I'll have money for a little while. I can finally get a hair cut, pay some bills, get some clothes that fit, and visit my family.

The guy I like is in Vegas this week ... FML. I hope when he gets back he sees me. I wish he'd stop dicking me around. I know all I do is bitch about this guy lol. I generally have a good time when i'm with him he makes me laugh. All my friends have no hope. I don't know if I'm optimistic or pessimistic. I guess I'm kinda numb about it. So much let down from him if something good happened i'd be surprised and happy. Like when he added me to FB i was shocked and speechless. Especially since he hadn't said anything to me since he'd seen me in two weeks and then just added me. I feel kinda bad my best friend was in the middle of telling me a story and I saw he added me I missed half the story because my mind went blank from shock. It sounded like an interesting story ... yelling a gang banger cause he was woken up when drunk and didn't realize the guy had a gun lol i missed the rest ... thank god he was alive to tell me. California I swear. Anyway since he's been gone I've had crazy ass dreams. My cousin says when you dream about them it means they are thinking about you. I bet it's bullshit. Lol he's in Vegas, please.

So I'm going home for a visit. Haven't bought the tickets yet. Tho i need to get into some kind of trouble. Not getting arrested or having sex. I imagine there will be a hangover and vomiting involved. Usually is. First day back last year. Didn't make it through the first night without puking lol. As soon as I got in the car the stopped to pick up a bottle and we were drunk before we even got home lol. I love my entourage who meet me at the airport every time without fail. I FUCKING LOVE YOU GUYS!!!

We may be planning a random road trip or plane trip cause that's how we roll. Show up at the airport and go somewhere. I need some excitement. My girl Kris has been keeping me sane getting me out of my house and keeping me laughing. I owe her big time when i'm not broke. A vacation or something. I really hope I can work again. Or get some kind of an income. I cant spend the rest of my life in the house I'll go fucking crazy. I'm running out of things to day dream about. I think my buddy at the gym has moved to the other gym. I think I may have to visit him seeing as he hinted at it. Ok he didn't hint at it so much as said i'm going to the other gym and u should come see me lol. I hope that's the case otherwise he went in for his surgery :( and I don't know about it. I should ask next time i go in.

Fuck I think I'm just rambling on. I've been so bored. Oh so Kris and I found this awesome spot today. We had a little picnic. We are sitting on this ridge cause that's our thing. You know those little things you blow on to make a wish, the things with the fluff (they are actually weeds lol) well a whole bunch blew past us ... I'm taking that as good luck so I made a wish. Anyway that would so be a good spot to star gaze with someone. It's been so long since i've laid out on a summer night and star gazed. I went in to visit her at work yesterday. God one of our old store managers (I used to work there too) was such a bitch about telling her to get back to work ... Fuck authority ... Anybody who knows me knows I hate being told what to do ... and by her telling Kris to get back to work she was kicking me out lol cause I had no one else to bug I had said hi to everyone else that I used to work with already.

I'm not an overly rude person by nature. I mean sometimes I am rude about the way I phrase things. When I'm annoyed. I have no patience lately since I've quit smoking. I also have a very short fuse since my roommate set off my rage due to the whole fight incident... my shoulder is still fucked up... I'm not usually an angry person and I very rarely am violent... Self defense. Tho lately when I'm angry I find myself needing to leave the situation and take very deep breaths so I don't freak out. Fortunately I only have a couple days left to put up with my roommate and she hasn't done anything to piss me off in front of me only things I notice when she's not home. Growing up the way I did it's very hard to control my anger. Which is why I keep my life as peaceful as possible. Like I said by nature I don't like to get angry. I don't like confrontation. Most people would probably think I'm a push over because I notice things that bother me and don't say anything because I'd rather just avoid confrontation, cause I know if i say something I'm going to be rude and it's going to start a fight.

Right now I just kinda feel like I'm floating through life. I have my goals but everything is kinda just on hold which is gay. It would be nice if I could have a special person to be a part of my life. My life is kind of unorganized. I have so many things I want to do. So many hobbies I want to take up. I wish i could be doing them right now, so frustrating bah ... lol ... U know what I need a guitar lol. I miss playing an instrument.

Oh yah so something cool that happened. When I walked into my old job yesterday. I hadn't gone in in a long time. Everyone looked at me kinda shocked because they hadn't seen me in so long and I had lost soo much weight. One was like wow u look good. The others didn't say anything they just looked at me up and down but u could tell they noticed they were surprised. Another said something when i mentioned how much I had lost. It's nice when people are happy for you or even when they are kinda jealous. What I wish they would realize is that they could do it to. It just requires being happy. You have the power to change your life and make you happy. You only get one life make the most of it :)

Tuesday, May 18, 2010


So I went to the doctor yesterday. Bad news ... I was hoping when I got into the chronic pain centre they would be able to fix me up quick so I could get back to work by fall ... She said that wouldn't be the case. She said it's going to be a really slow process. I mean I'm fortunate, I'm going to have a team of specialists trying to help me manage the pain. She upped my medicine yesterday it's gone from 25mg to 100 in the matter of a few months. I've gotten rid of the percs because they are a shitty shitty drug. My memory loss isn't caused from the headaches. It could be caused from the vitamin B deficiency or maybe the Fybromyalgia. I have to get the Vitamin B tested again in 2 weeks. If it hasn't gone back up I need to get shots :( daily I think. How lame is that.

I've regressed at the gym. Probably because I've felt like ass the last few weeks. I'm not gaining weight which is good. I'm just not losing it as fast as I know I could be which is frustrating. I've asked a friend of a friend to try and help me sell my car since it's not going anywhere fast. I want her gone and I want her gone now. I want to go home for my birthday. I'm tired of looking at my four walls.

A lot happened last week. I basically confronted two friends about using me. Of course they both got defensive. One actually got into a fight with me. Messed up my wrist and shoulder. What can you do. It's not like this is the worst I've had. Just unfortunate when u feel like your walking on egg shells.

The guy I care about contacted me ... said he plans on seeing me again ... the question is when???? It obviously makes me happy, but that's what he said last time. It's nice to know he thinks about me. I swear he moves at snail pace lol. Ugh he's lucky I like him.

Other guys keep contacting me and I keep brushing them off. Perfectly good guys. Very attractive guys!!! It's just frustrating.

I don't feel great today ... I just wish the guy I like would hit me up for a cuddle lol.

Saturday, May 15, 2010

That's a little bit psycho

Kris ... using those eye drops to sober herself up again lmao fucking hilarious!!!

The Pregnant leg photo dun dun dun ...

What an interesting week ... my life is so weird ... I can't even go into detail about the irony of this week ... there are no words ...

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

I can do this!

It's been really rough for me. I've been super sick. Sleep sleep sleep sleep. Tried to go to the gym Monday was there 5 min before i felt faint and had to leave. Last week I made it 3 days the week b4 i made it 4. It's made me angry because normally I go 5 days a week. I'm sleeping but not well. I ran out of medicine. I just got a refill. This week is supposed to be my hr and a half at the gym. I want to hit my goal by my birthday. I've just been frustrated because I've been in so much pain and sleeping a lot.

I'm watching Biggest Loser and crying as usual. There is so much pain in being fat. If you haven't been there then you don't know. I've been made fun of and tortured. I look in the mirror and at pictures and I don't see a beautiful person. I've wanted to die. Guys don't want me because they don't think I'm beautiful. My best friend when he came to see me in January he told me he was telling his other best friend that he wanted me to be at my goal weight. Not for vanity purposes but so people could see what a great person I am so they don't judge me for my weight anymore and they just purely see my personality. I didn't know what to say.

People are proud of me. It makes me feel good. My mom ... she saw a new picture of me the other day i was on web cam with her and the comp phone and she called my step dad over because she was so proud of the amount of weight i've lost since she saw me last. This guy I care a lot about. He chose not to see me for a long time. He saw me after four months and he complimented me and it was the best feeling I have ever had. It was so validating. A gf of mine complimented me she hadn't seen me in a long time and then saw me after I lost all of the weight. My best friend sees me on web cam and said he's so proud of me he was going to send me a box of cheezits tho I don't get why you'd send me my favorite junk food when i'm trying to lose weight ... We may need to have a conversation about that. Or if he does I may just need to save them and see how long I can keep them for without eating them lol.

My confidence level is going up which is something. I still have a long way to go and it's disheartening. 100 more pounds ... I can do it. I know I can. The only person who can stop me, is me. When I can work again I'm going to start looking into jobs at the gym. I need to get into something that is going to help me maintain my goal for the rest of my life. I will not fail. I will be healthy for the rest of my life. I have quit smoking.

Honestly I'm scared about what life has in store for me. I'm trying not to stress because where the hell is that going to get me. I have no income. I don't remember to do anything. I was out the other day with my gf's I forgot where I was. Lovely right? Fuck my fucking memory. I lose everything. I have a couple months until my lease is up. I'm not sure what i'm going to do. It would be easier if I had a normal cat unfortunately my cat has issues too. I'm hoping the chronic pain centre gets me in soon they can sort me out and I can start working by fall. Hoping my car sells asap. I hate being in debt. Well i don't have much else to say to be honest just thought i'd type out my feelings. Not particularly angry right now just kinda all emotional and a little lonely. Wishing I had someone special to share my life with. Tho I must remember I have a lot of important people in my life who love me ... I love you guys.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Sob Stories

Really getting tired of people telling me. Oh poor me. Oh my bills. Oh I have so much debt I owe this minuscule amount of money. Oh this guy fucked me over.


I know people have it worse then me. Have you seen that movie precious? That chick has it worse then me. People who are homeless have it worse then me. Oh and believe me I've been there. I know how it feels. I've lost everything over and over countless times. All of my worldly possession sold or donated not by choice. I don't sympathize with idiots. You have the ability to make your life better. JERKS IF I COULD WORK I'D HAVE NO PROBLEMS RIGHT NOW!!! IF I COULD REMEMBER TO FILL OUT PAPERS OR NOT LOSE THEM OR COMPREHEND WHAT THEY WERE ASKING ON THE FORMS BECAUSE EVERYTHING IS JUST A LITTLE TOO COMPLICATED TO WRAP MY HEAD AROUND WHEN ITS IN PAIN ... MY LIFE WOULD BE PEACHY!!!

Just be happy your not sick people. That your capable of working. Stop causing yourself more drama and more issues. Drop the dumb ass men in your life or women for that matter. Find higher paying jobs. Further your education to make more money. Get grants, loans etc. Do what you have to do to make your life better cause idiots the only person stopping you IS YOU!!

Oh and On another note bringing past relationship issues into a new relationship just fucks the other person over FYI!!! You may be hurt from the last relationship but your issues are hurting other people. YOU HURT ME BECAUSE SHE HURT YOU!!! Vicious circle. Douches i swear.

I have a really bad upper respiratory track infection. I'm all alone in another country and the only person who looks after me is me. So I may seem like an ass hole today which I am being an ass hole. I'm allowed. I miss my close friends and family and I'm sad cause I'm alone.

Monday, May 3, 2010

A lot on my mind and then my mind goes blank ... shit

So last week I got down to 253.8 60 Pounds lost. Then went out with my girlie fri for dinner then gf's bday sat and oh now 256.6 lovely jubbly ugh! It's ok, I just need better self control when I'm out. Or Party in lol. Have to step it up at the gym this week to an hr and 20 min of cardio. If this week doesn't kill me then I know i can do the hr and a half next week. Going to add treadmill in this week. It's hard for me with my fucked up ankle. However if I want to hit that running goal by winter i need to get crackin and push through the pain. I also have a few other goals by winter. Such as pull ups ... this evil crunch machine where u have to use ur own body weight, I did 5 lol. Then there is another abdominal exercise where u hold yourself up and bring your legs to your chest. I want to be able to do that one. Going to try and work harder on my upper body too. Arms are not impressing me in the least bit, I'm not going to beat myself up I'm still kick ass. My goal for July 30th is 227 however if I can smash through it and hit 213 then I will have lost 100 pounds in a yr and 5 months in time for my 25th b-day and that would be so awesome.

I'm still sick. I'm in a lot of pain today. I've been trying to get organized. I can't find some very important papers and i don't remember what happened to them. I've had a lot of lapses in memory lately and I lose my words. It's very frustrating and upsetting. The gym helps with getting the anger out. I almost cried at the gym the other week. Sometimes I wish I could and I wish it would be ok. Maybe I should go in the sauna and cry. There is this guy at the gym who i see like once a week. Didn't see him last week tho. He looks at me when he comes in. I've said hello to him before. Then he looks around until he finds me. I dont know if he's shy or what but i wish he'd say hi. It's kinda weird but he's a cutie. Tho i don't really want to talk to him again, what if I look like the weirdo?? My friends say times are changing and to go talk to him again he's prob shy.

There is this other guy. Colbie Caillat's song Never Told you is very appropriate "I miss those blue eyes, how you kiss me at night." I mean honestly I torture myself with him. My friends say cut him lose but he's intoxicating I just want more of him but he wont let me have him. The ass hole didn't see me for 4 months and by chance hehehe I ran into him and had a great night with him. I have a good time when I'm with him. I honestly don't know what goes through his head. If he regrets me. I mean if he wanted me he'd get in touch. I'm too old to be chasing him and to be frank i'm tired of it. It hurts to message him and he doesn't message back. If he doesn't know I want him by now then he's pretty dumb. I think I made it crystal ... I think he's been burned hard core. I have to tell you tho you don't get any more burned the a divorce. I'm trying to leave the past in the past and he really should too. Whatever if it's not meant to be. I really did have a great time tho. I haven't heard from him since. I tried to say a couple things via msn but nothing in response. Guess nothing says he cares a whole lot, eh? LIVE AND LET GO .... If nothing else I guess he's a beautiful memory. I can't hold hate in my heart but i definitely hold hurt and sadness for not being wanted yet again. Sometimes I wish I could be like some of my gf's be with a guy and when they don't want me find someone else and cut the last one lose. I'm not built that way. My heart needs to cry, it just doesn't know how.

Bella has been put up for sale. She's my car. My second car. I'm heartbroken. It's taken me so long to finally post her. I've been avoiding it. I bought her when I first moved to Canada. My ex and I got her together but she was mine. I have to get rid of her now because I have no money to support myself and my ex is no longer covering my insurance now that the divorce is done. I hope she sells for what i'm asking that would be the most awesome thing in the world right now. I'm so far behind on bills.

I'm putting on a brave face but I am so sad and lonely. I miss having a phone to call my friends when i need a pick me up. I miss working, getting out of the house, having bills paid on time, buying luxury things such as clothes and cheese lol. My mom might come visit for stampede which would be great. It's been almost a year since i've seen her. In fact next month it's a year. Tickets back home round trip are $250 USD which is freaking awesome i need to get on that. I want to go home for my b-day. I miss my friends and family. My friends here have been good to me. I don't see them enough tho. One just left me for the summer. Another just told me he may be leaving for some chick. Too soon if u ask me, but life is about risks right? I don't think i could ever move for a Man again. Maybe with a man but not for them. Relocation after relocation after relocation you just want to stay in one fucking spot. My lease is up end of Aug. Staying in this city and hopefully in the general area i'm in. Think i'll find a new roommate. I miss living with guys. Less moody, they don't use ur shit, you dont have to remember the chicks name they bring home lol u nick name them girl with trainers, conversations are better. Well no roommate would be better, tho sometimes the company is nice.

Is it sad that I type out my thoughts. The thoughts i wish I could share with everyone on pretty much an open diary? Whatever I don't really give a shit. 2010 has not been a good year so far. My horoscope for the year says to wear bright colors and I will be in a relationship by the end of spring. Well it's May ... guess this is my last month ... not getting my hopes up. I have my whole life to find love ... lets just hope my luck doesn't run out and my life doesn't randomly end. Am I depressing,,, maybe. Am I allowed to be. Yup! Cause it's my blog.

I've just been bummed since well for a long time. Sometimes I wish i could erase the memory of this guy "I see your blue eyes, every time I close mine" but then he made me feel again. Even tho he hurt me I felt passion for the first time in a long time. Just wish he felt it back. One day ... Maybe Mr. right is right around the corner?? I stopped looking. That's what they say to do right. I'm praying to the stars that my life will pick up. I have 3 mo's till my 25th b-day. Let's make 25 a good year!!! Live and LET GO ...