Monday, December 29, 2008

Long Time No Talk

Hey Guys,

I know I'm crap I havent been posting. But on the good front I have lost 12 pounds it's been a yo-yo. When I moved here I went up to 311 and now I am tetering on 299. This is all based on eating less no diets no excercise just eating less. My first small goal is to get to 290 then 280 10 pounds at a time.

I may have pcos which all of you know can cause infertility and I'm only 23 how much does that suck. I had a hormone test all fine but the testosterone is up by .2 and I have a pelvic exame on the 8th. I will let you know how it all goes.

I hope you all had a Merry Christmas and I wish you the Best New Year.


Saturday, September 20, 2008


Life In Canada

Hi Guys,

How have you been? I'm sorry I do forget to post I forget I have a blog lol. Not that I'm doing much at the moment to forget.

So here is the low down. I finally finally made it to Canada YEA!!! I am so much happier here then I was in England maybe because I have more friends here right away then i did in England. It figures I make good friends right before I leave.

My husband is still making me f***ing crazy. It's more of the fact that he doesn't show me affectionate first. He also glances at me and I know, I know he is staring at my arms or the other day I was laying on the ground and he was looking at my stomach. Also the other day I was wearing a new shirt and cooking with oil ad it was splattering so I took of my shirt (I know it's stupid to rather have the oil splatter on me but ssshhh) any way he was all pissy seeing me with no shirt on. Can we say this is why I am paranoid people are staring at me and judging me? Well they are though. I mean I know I have a cute face but still. I'm just so damn fed up up this bull shit.

I know I eat healthier then a lot of other larger people. I can't eat five slices of pizza (well I could but i'd vomit) I eat stir frys and salad. My down fall is carbs and salty food. When am I going to come to the point where enough is enough and i stop eating that shit? I'm poisoning my body with bad food. I know I am but why can't I stop myself?

Honestly I'm scared. I am scared of my skin not going back and being completely deformed. I don't want to have surgery if i don't have to I mean I can handle the pain of a tattoo or piercing . But having half of my stomach cut away. Also the way my breasts are my god the stretch marks the droopiness the big areola i mean seriously, the scars i will have after having a breast lift and what if my nipples can never get hard. I know I am prematurely worrying about this, and I should only think of it when it comes to that but it will.

I have been exercising more since being here but not loosing any weight probably because of the amount of carbs I have been consuming. My weight yo yo's by 6 pounds up and down. Today I am 304.8. I hate myself for letting me get so big and I know I could loose the weight If I really tried. I am self sabotaging that's what it is. I get stressed or upset. Man I did kick my own ass at the gym the other day though I spent an hr 1/2 there I walked there which took me 20min cause I'm slow walked back another 20min did 20min of cardio there and some weights and stretches. One thing I can be thankfully for is I am extremely flexible.

I am still in a lot of pain I need to get out of this vicious cycle and I really am trying. I have gone canoeing on the lake its great fun. I was worried I would sink it but I sucked it up and got in the damn canoe. It didn't sink. I know I bitch and moan about the same crap each time and your probably like god she is never going to lose weight. Sometimes it does feel like that. I think the reason my husband is an ass is because he told me he doesn't think I will do it. I mean I have been talking about it since i put on the weight and i just kept gaining weight. Every time I gain a pound I freak out and eat healthy so it goes back down. Three days ago it went up to 308. I was like hell no your going back down!!

There are so many things I want to do. I have a goal. Next summer I want to be able to fit into the clothes at the sports store. I don't know what it is but spandex is cool. lol. I also went to a hockey game last night and it was awesome. The 1st one I have ever been to but I really want to learn how to skate (don't want to even try at this weight). I am not going to be unrealistic. I am going to try and lose 20 pounds at a time because If i think about how much weight I really need to lose I freak out 145pounds at least. EEEEKK see what I mean lol. My first big goal is to get back to a 16/18. I know i still had a big fat roll and I was chunky but I could be called curvy and big and beautiful. Now I am just obese.

I am looking for a job out here. My cat has been peeing on the bed so she has to go to the vet may be a bladder infection but I feel bad cause they may have to put a needle in her bladder to see whats wrong. Thankfully it's been on the covers so not gone through to the actual bed (brand new). My husband just got a car I mean literally he just pulled it in the drive way. Cheap second hand car for 1500. He is happy because he has freedom again. I told him that's how I felt when I didn't have a car in England for four years. Sorry again for my thoughts being so sporadic but that's my ADHD. Well I think I am going to the gym today. I hope you all have a good weekend. XX oh ps. I have started writing a book about this girl who is a bit bigger and she finds love and manages to lose a little bit of weight but loves herself for who she is (no surprise lol)!!

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Some Pictures

Me at the Beach
Another day at the Beach

My New Kitty I love you!!


So I took a Ryan air flight. I managed to get the seat belt buckled surprisingly. Only just though. I sucked in half squatted turned sideways lifted the arm up and got in.

I leave Saturday for Canada Yeah!!! Finally I also bought a cat online she is sooo cute I get to see her next week. We went to my father in laws for my husbands leaving party. We got a few cards from people only a couple of them mentioned me (his wife). His father would introduce me as Liz and not his daughter in law or his son's wife. I worked my ass of trying to be polite and tidy and helping out as last time I was a drunk mess and not able to help clean up at all. Everyone must remember I am 22 give me a break. I stood up too long and my knee and ankle was killing me i started hobbling around. I put some of the weight back on. I hadn't been eating a lot of carbs I was being good limiting myself to one set of carbs a day well trying to. I have also been eating more junk food ummm snickers.

It's going to be a new start in Canada I have sold most of my worldly possessions. Things are still rough with my husband and my weight. He took a picture of me lying on the floor (no furniture) and my stomach looked like an extension it was horrible. I saw my arm in a video and i thought JESUS CHRIST! It only hits me when I see pictures or when I walk up stairs and can't breath. It sucks. My husband reminds me you are 22 years old and you weigh 21 stone (+ now but won't tell him that). When I get to Canada I'm going by Elli rather then Liz (my cute new persona maybe a bit girly feminine a bit more athletic eventually lol). As soon as I get a gym membership I will be there all the time I will have a car again next week so no excuse not to drive myself to the gym. I feel my health deteriorating. My back hurts sooo bad, my legs ,I'm so tired I have had a headache for 2 days straight. That's probably due to poor diet lots of shit food. Oh also I was reading someone Else's blog who said they had a headache when they where on a diet probably with drawl symptoms. I had that too real bad when I started eating healthier no carbs. Good idea for breakfast and fills you up

1 poached egg
small tin baked beans
2 slices lean bacon rashers healthy living sainsburys

real low and calories and gives you a protein boost.

Now this is real personal anyone else have this problem. I have been getting my period twice a month since January. I was on the Depo in 2006 and hadn't had my period the whole time I stoped taking it Nov 2006. Got my period again Nov 2007 and it has been like that since Jan. Am I gunna run out of eggs? I know it's stupid last year I had an ultra sound and she said I had a womb I was like what I thought you only had that when you were pregnant. It is so embarrassing.

Sometimes I feel like I'm floating outside my body like I'm not really in control and everything is a dream. Lately it has been hard to tell the difference maybe I it's cause I have a lot on my mind. But I can't remember if things are a dream or if they really happened. This has to be the ADHD (not taking any drugs except sleeping pills that make me groggy) that could be it lol.

Do you ever feel like you have no real control of your body. I have aches and pains I can't control when I have to go to the bathroom. We are an entity living in our body's; Maybe we are the aliens everyone talks about. When you die your soul leaves not the body??? I know I'm being weird lol just things i think about lol. Anyhow excited about moving. I get to go clothes shopping in two weeks lane bryant and torrid here I come (AMERICAN SHOPS PLUS SIZE) I still hate having to look at bigger sizes. And why, why can't I get a bra a 52 D with wired support?? Why do I have to get bra extensions. Why can't I wear High Heels and walk gracefully??? Oh Yea it's cause I am hella fat and need to go on a diet. I am visiting my mom in Washington in two weeks where I will be going to 24hr fittness thank god for 24hr gyms you can't really make excuses about time when it is opened 24hrs lol. I'm only going for 6 days. The bad thing about moving is all my favorite food Mexican, Chinese, Indian, Italian. All i have to do is look at my fat self in my swim suit and then I will see why. Why I should not be eating that shit!!!! Fucking self control I hate it. It's cause I have none. When I am on a diet expect me to be cranky. Expect if you are eating a chocolate bar for me to rip it out of your hand and stomp on it for being so damn rude and inconsiderate to eat that in front of me. I don't care if your thin it is not good for you!! Like I see Celebrities going to yoga classes and smoking I'm like good for you for exercising but your gunna die of lung cancer ( I smoke on occasion so I know). Also I see someone who is like 30 pounds over weight and I think dumb bitch suck it up and do it already not like you have to lose 10 stone!! Now the only time I have been 2 stone overweight I was probably like 8 years old otherwise I'd have done it.

I saw this fat girl on a dance floor last week and she was pretty big. I said to my husband do I look like that and he said yeah. I felt pretty low and then I felt bad for comparing myself that poor woman just wants to have a good time like me. I'm the joke on a dance floor guys grope me and I'm assuming so they can have a laugh. Well when my boobs are on show that's really all they stare at lol. But still I must look really stupid on the dance floor. My goal size in the next 2 years is a size 10. Why a 10 you ask; well when I was 18 I bought a size 10 pair of under ware they never fit but I love them. I will post a pic eventually of the under ware not me in them, you wouldn't be able to see them under all of the fat. I tried on my size 18 jeans there was like a 4 in gap I thought man. How'd I get away from myself. It's called DENIAL you just try not to think about it and poof!! Well I got rid of all my size 28 sweaters because you know what I will not fit in them this coming winter I will not not not fit in them I don't care what it takes. I will be smaller!!!! I kept all of my smaller sizes and they are being sent to Canada. I can't wait I will get there. Here is another pic of me a few weeks ago. God my chin has gotten so big. I'm starting to get fat wrinkles on my neck but here I go.

Thursday, June 12, 2008

I just want to cry

Who am I kidding I tell myself I am doing good losing weight this is how I fool myself. I'm full of shit. I was doing good I was doing SB again and it was working. Then slowly I became less strict. Now I still weigh less then I did but not by much and I want to lose one stone before I move in fact I want to get to 20 stone which is 280 Now I am 293 so I need to lose 13 pounds by the 3rd of July (this is what I weighed last time I flew and I don't want any problems.

I was not going to go to the gym today. I haven't been doing much. I finished work two weeks ago because I am moving next month and just wanted time to prepare and get some exercise but I can't even bring myself to exercise. I always feel like I am disappointing my husband because i promised 5 days a week. Now I already told him I wasn't going today now I know when he gets home he will ask why I didn't and you know what ... I am going to go to the gym!! I don't want to disappoint him or me and I'm so bored. I feel really full at the moment I ate some enchiladas
:-( they tasted nice but my stomach hurts I made them. I need to get back on track.

So we move July 12th my husband dropped off the passports today. I'm excited to say the least It's finally about time. I have been thinking about getting my tongue pierced anyone have that done? How painful is it? How is everybody lately? Aren't gas prices ridiculous a pack of chicken went up to £10 here and that is only 8 small pieces of chicken breast. Well that's all I have to say I will fill you guys in next week to see if i have kicked my own ass yet

Thursday, May 15, 2008

Medical History and Canada

So I had my medical for immigration for Canada. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Blood pressure was healthy 110/70 the same as my husbands Fantastic!! He said my weight may go against me. He needed further history for my counseling and chest pain I had last year.

I requested my medical history because the doctor needed it. It is very extensive to say the least I think I had a 40pg history for the last 3 years. One word of advice if you are seeing counselors don't tell them things you wouldn't want anyone else to see not even the doctors clearly they base things you say against you when making decisions. For example "She says she is not suffering from depression though she has previously" this was in regards to my weight gain.

I am obviously very worried about my medicals and what will happen. if we haven't heard anything by June 11th it means everything is OK so please pray/hope/wish for the best. I will let everyone know. It is needless to say that next time we go grocery shopping I am going back on the diet. Also I will be working my ass off at the gym my last day at work is the 30th. So as of June it's GYM GYM GYM.

Saturday, April 19, 2008


Hey i don't have it over here to watch but i saw it when i logged onto my american e-mail. She looks fantastic. Does anyone know how long it took her from the time she started the show?

This week has been unbelievably stress full no one has any idea it's like i can't even describe it. It's been a fu***ng nightmare. It's like the crap you see on tv where you think that shit doesn't really happen. Well it sure does. It happens to me.

Any way Can I ask any of you who have weighed 300 pounds have you been able to fly without having to buy an extra airplane ticket? I want to know what's going to happen when I have to fly. Weightloss is still staying down but I havent lost anymore yet. I'm trying to get the energy to go to the gym. It's raining of course so I will have to take a taxi I have no water proof clothes. I really want to go canoeing when I go to canada. My husband thinks I will sink it I don't think I will. I'm excited about moving I can't wait I have a new life and a new start and I decided for that new start I'm going by Elli rather then Liz I think it's girlier. I have a new picture I took of myself that I wan't you guys to see. I am beautiful when I try. Sorry I had no shirt on it was b4 bed but you can't see anything don't worry. LoL.

Sunday, March 30, 2008

I have gone down!!

So I had my house mate look at the scale this morning so I could get an accurate weigh in. Today it said 292 which means I have lost 10 pounds. Wahoo! Just thought I would share that. We decided to take pictures of ourselves in our underwear as before and after photos. I have to say I did not think I was as fat as I was and now I understand my husbands disappointment. He is please for me though 10pounds down. I was thinking should I post them but i thought no better not i might offend someone. Maybe when I have the after photo's. I have to tell you when you zoom into my leg it looks like a pregnant woman's stomach. Maybe I will post that bit lol. I don't carry any of the weight on my leg in the back its all in the front of my thigh. Also I have four breasts 2 of them being on my back they are just missing the nipple. Well I have them for future reference. I found a picture of me today when i weighed 227 pounds I am going to post it. That is my first small goal to get back to that weight so when I go on my trip to Jamaica next year I look good. Well Just wanted to share my positive news.

Saturday, March 29, 2008

Hello Sorry I'm Alive

Hi Guys,

Sorry, Sorry for not posting or responding quickly I am alive. I've been really tired as usual I come home at night eat watch TV then fall asleep. Weekends I don't do much. I know it's a crap excuse. Honestly I didn't want to post until i had something good to tell you guys. Let's go weigh myself ... the verdict is in 297 pounds. I had gotten down to 294 the other day but then I had pizza. I am letting myself down. But I lost the 6 pounds by not eating junk food and cutting out most alcohol. Damn that pizza...and bottle of wine! I went to the gym yesterday I managed to do the cross trainer for 10 min it is progress I was dying though my heart rate was up to 172.

We have progressed with the move to Canada. Immigration is slowly moving forward. We are now just waiting for the request for medicals. I'm worried to be honest is my illness going to be a problem or the fact that i was taking anti depressants for depression or the fact that i have slightly high blood pressure. You know I watch these programs with fat people and they eat like 3 burgers at a time or a whole pizza I don't know how they do it I had 4 slices of a large pizza and a few other things and I could never manage a whole one. Any way i need to loose as much weight before i leave for Canada I do not want to have to get a seat belt extension on the plane!! I also don't want to squish all my fat into the chair the damn table didn't even come down when i weight 252 pounds i was close to needing an extension then. I fucked up! I admit it. How the Fuck does someone not realize they are gaining weight especially 73 pounds the answer is they do realize it and they just are in denial. Yes I admit it I was in denial!! I am so Fucked off with myself I could have lost 73 pounds rather then gained it.

You know despite my lack of posting i really do like my blog. I get to journal for the whole world to read it. And i really have not had too negative responses in fact a lot of you guys are encouraging and i don't want to disappoint you. I wanted to post when i could say hey guys I lost 15 pounds but hey at least you guys know I'm OK. I will try and post sooner and hopefully will have lost that extra 3 pounds that i put back on. Considering doing the SB Diet for the first few weeks just to kick start the weight loss for Canada. Oh I forgot I have gotten more fucking stretch marks from going up and down in weight i have the first sign of some on my legs and more on my stomach. I have been using coco butter to try and reduce them. They are still in the pink stage. Talk to you guys later. Liz

Saturday, February 23, 2008

I haven't had the heart

...To post.

Be warned i may talk about personal issues and womanly things.

So first my weight has gone up and down but by only a few pounds. It's about the same as it always is right now 300. I have felt really down lately and sad. Immigration is taking forever and i just want to get over there. I want to be able to start my new life. I'm so fed up with everything.

I have been having problems with my husband. I love him very much and he is a good man. He is on the brink of leaving me. I have gained over 70 pounds since we first met. I am unable to do any physical activities with him. He doesn't like to walk with me because i walk so slow. I lack the motivation to make myself look pretty on a daily bases so I ware crummy old pj's and keep my hair in a messy bun. No makeup. There are a few reasons not just the weight but i would have to say that's the biggest one. He just doesn't find me attractive any more. I want to be!! Not only for him but for me. I don't want to be in pain any more.

I was walking down the street the other day on my lunch break I looked nice better then i normally do. And some fucking piece of shit shouts out the window "the beach is that way" now it took me a minute but i realised that ass whole was calling me a whale. I felt like shit and then what did i do i ate a whole pack of cookies and extra food i did not need.

I have only once managed to get my ass out of bed at 6:30 and to go to the gym, and that was when i met my trainer provided by the NHS (national health service) he is a specialist who deals with people who have illnesses.

I have to meet him again this week. I guess it's a good thing i don't have his phone number or i probably would cancel. I haven't been able to sleep my doctor said i can up my medicine to two tablets rather than one when i need to. I Went out on a night out a few weeks ago and drank way too much and had a horrible hang over i vowed not to drink again as we all do which only lasted about two weeks and i had a few drinks in between then. But i have had a bottle of wine a couple of nights this week in a row. I don't want to get back in the habit of drinking it makes me feel lethargic my skin gets all pimply and i gain weight. The only benefit is i sleep better well most nights some nights my stomach burns from the acid in the wine damn IBS.

It's funny how we don't control our body's they control us. Well we are like this entity that lives inside i guess that's what we call our soul. I want to take good care of my body. To be honest I'm terrified of losing weight. What if my skin doesn't go back I'm afraid to have surgery and what if i can't afford it. I'm 22 I don't want to be deformed.

In November 2006 i am no longer taking my birth control shots In November 2007 I started getting my period again. I have had it probably about 6 times since Christmas and it's only February. Well at least i know I'm not pregnant right. I want to be able to do more things with my husband. I have a secret dream to be able to run. I love exercising once i get going and I'm not feeling like crap i feel so good. Sometimes my body hurts because i don't move enough how sad is that. I want to win this inner battle but i just feel like I'm loosing. I hate depression.

I don't want to be 30 devorced because my husband left me because i got too fat and weighing 400 pounds. I'm in pain as it is and I need help. I just don't know how to help myself get out of this rut. I know you all hear me bitch and moan and you think for pete's sake do something but i can't get the motivation. I really really wan't it.

Monday, January 28, 2008

I'm Sorry

It is the end of the month and I have hardly written. I know it's sad. I have been in my own world working sleeping eating eating eating. I drink too much i think i'm going to try and do the recomended 2 bottles of wine a week and no more. AH i'm hoping i can kick my own ass because at this rate i will be 400 pounds by next year I'm still the same weight i was when i started through out this month i have fluctuated up 2 pounds and then down 7 back and forth. I don't want to get all in to it but when i start loosing weight i will post more I'm going to try and get my ass up at 6:30 tm morning to go to the gym b4 work we will see!!

Thursday, January 3, 2008

Do you ever...

Do you ever look in the mirror and not see the real you? I wasn't realizing how fat I was getting. I would look in the mirror and think yeah I'm big but I'm not that big. Then BOOM! it hits you, you see a picture of yourself and you think what that can't be me? Or you ask your husband to put your pants on to see how big you really are except he fits in one leg and can wrap the rest around himself. Or you tell someone how much you weigh they say I wouldn't have thought you weighed that much by looking at you but then they say you weigh the same as one woman one man and a half a child. She is myfriend so i didn't feel insulted i just never looked at it that way. It's fu**ing devastating.

I managed to put that little bit of weight i lost back on over the holidays actually it was probably just this last week great right? I went to the gym today did my 20 min. I watched this program last night about this woman in America who weighed almost 900 pounds. She resulted in a gastric bypass which she had done in Texas the only place that would take her she made it through the operation successfully but died shortly after of something like a heart attache leaving her two young daughters behind.

I don't want to weigh 900 pounds i mean 300 is seriously bad enough and i hate it i hate looking at me. If you can't tell I'm feeling a bit down. I just feel like it's never going to happen I'm always in pain and i have no energy. I hardly ever look pretty because i just don't have the energy for it. Does anyone else feel this way? And those of you who weigh close to what i do do you feel serious pain in your back ankles knees every where really? The fybromyalgia is very painful for me but i want to know if anyone else can relate. I went to the gym and people were looking at me. I wanted to flip them all off and say well at least I'm at the gym. I'm going to bed now where i will wake up and start another day in this glorious world where i am still fat and uncomfortable. I told myself if i can loose 2pnds per week that's 104pnds in a year and that's not too much to ask of myself right. Those of you who are doing it you are an inspiration.

Tuesday, January 1, 2008


Happy New Year!

So i weighed myself today and it looks as though i have put back on the 5 pounds i managed to loose great!!! My Resolution this year is no more crap it covers a broad spectrum. So it turns out there is not a weight restriction for imigration to canada I do apologise my husband felt the need to make it up in order to motivate me. Again sorry's all around it is embarissing. It did help in stressing me out though. Well I am going to have a better yer this year i guarantee it!! Hope you all had a great holiday season back to work tomorrow. Hope you guys didn't put on too much weight.