Saturday, November 27, 2010


AHHHHH!! I hit 230 yesterday!!! About fucking time. My first goal is almost achieved 227. After that it's 213, my 100lb weightloss. Then 199. It's so close I can feel it 31 lbs. I was gunna have a little party at home but now it's turned into this big deal at work. Were gunna have a huge party invite all clubs from Calgary and my manager is trying to get a banner of me made up and hang it from the second floor in Superstore at Deerfoot meadows so everyone can see it and come to the party. Now I get this is for marketing but I don't even care. It serves a bigger purpose getting people to join the gym. It's about getting people into a healthier lifestyle. If I can do it anyone can.

I was in such a shitty mood when I woke up wed. I thought it would be a good idea to pof Tim and tell him how dumb he's being and to stop spazing cause I didn't ask him for anything and blah blah. The usual, pretty much. I wasn't even drunk, I don't even have an excuse. Anyway point is I was pissed wed cause he deleted it. I felt dumb for sending it anyway. I mean it's good that he read it but I'm not dumb. I'll never see him again. It's my own fault I was just a piece of ass. One and only time I've done that, tho I thoroughly enjoyed the time spent with him, now that it's done I feel cheap. So I wont be repeating this with anyone else. So to work off my mad I kicked my own ass at work 1hr 30min work out then a body flow class after work. Next day I took a combat class, I love that class, it's intense.

I've come to the conclusion that every guy I've ever slept with has turned out to be a total fucking prick. I'm totally holding out.. I haven't been with many people and Tim would be the last. I'm taking a break. I've been on a few dates since Tim and I felt nothin and I was bored. I had some really fucked up dates recently actually. Had to escape at the flames game. Felt hella bad and wanted to see the game cause it was my first time but I don't use people so I bailed. He hates me, but he shouldn't have been so pushy. First time I met the guy and he tried to stick his hand in my pocket to hold my hand. Fuck that, what a creeper. I told him we shoulda met first, I didn't even want to go with him. Follow gut instinct!! He's just mad cause I wasn't into him. He asked what I thought of him at the game (awkward) I told him he's not my type but I wouldn't mind being friends with him. Whatevs, u try and be nice and ur still a bitch so I don't care. I had a nice freezing cold walk home.

Honestly there aren't very many people I've had a spark with..

There was Bryan, who I never slept with. He loved me. I was 18 my mom is so embarrassing, we all went for lunch and she asked him if he loved me. He said he did and he used to tell me all the time. When I was leaving California he asked me not to go... said he'd stop doing drugs.. I didn't believe him so I left. I cried in my moms arms over that one. I tried to help him and get him to come up to Washington to finish school and start college. I promised him when I left I'd be back to visit in 6yrs. I pulled that number out of my ass. I came back after 4yrs tried to find him.. couldn't find him. Came back at 6yrs and by fate I ran into him. We spent some time together, he spent the last night I was there with me (still didn't sleep with him). I was really proud of him. He was doing good. Working full time, had his own place. I didn't find out until my last trip home when I couldn't find him that he was still using. It made me really sad. That drug is so hard to kick.

There was Brad. We didn't spend a lot of time together at all. For some delusional reason I liked him a lot. There was a spark, instantly at least for me. The last time I saw him it was perfect. My friends didn't think he was cute (pic) but I was totally attracted to him. I'm thinking about inviting him to my 100lb party. Doubt he'll come but he can bring his gf along. If I can deal with meeting my ex husbands gf I can deal with meeting Brad's.

Then there was Tim ... I called that one. To be honest other then the way he left he was good to me when he was here. I'll never forget that first kiss. His hand was on the side of my stomach, he kissed my shoulder (love, love love that, I get shivers), then my mouth. He was always so gentle with me. Brush my hair out of my face so gently so he could kiss me. I think he got spooked. I think he thought I wanted more. Which is true, but I wasn't asking for it yet. I still wanted to get to know him. He's actually very beautiful. He was the most masculine out of all of the guys I've ever dated. After Brad I decided I liked my men Tall with some meat on em and some muscles of course. I like masculine men, a lot! I like feeling small and girly and I like being the submissive one. Believe me I can dominate but I'd rather not.

Now I didn't have a spark for my ex husband, no instant attraction. I did love him tho. My friends tell me when I meet the one I'll know. Well I thought I knew before but I guess I was wrong. Relationships shouldn't be so complicated and right before I walked down the isle I hesitated. My friend said with the right one you wont hesitate. So if I have hesitation with any guy I date I should stop seeing them, cause I usually do? I have a fear of commitment ... I would however have taken it slow with Brad and Tim because I liked them. Jumping into a relationship would trip me out. Though if I'm seeing someone and I like them I'd want it to be exclusive.

Today's my gf's 30th. Should be fun. Oh it was Thanksgiving the other day. Called my g-ma and my aunt was there. She gave me a lecture about posting private things on FB. Child please ... I don't give a shit what people think, if they dont like it then they don't need to be on my facebook and no one is going to fire me over my fb status's. The career path I'm choosing is all about the pr. To be honest I'm not really close to my extended family. I've maybe seen them a little over a handfull of times in my life. They dont ever call to say whats up. Most of them are uptight and need to take a chill pill. If I can't talk freely to people who are my own blood it's pointless trying to make a relationship last. I'm not important to them. My grandma is good though. She checks up on me from time to time.

I talked to a family member the other day who keeps steadily gaining weight. It makes me want to cry especially since they had a gastric bypass almost died lost all the weight then gained it back. IT IS A SLOW SUICIDE .. YOU ARE KILLING YOURSELF .. OPEN YOUR EYES BECAUSE I LOVE YOU AND I WANT YOU TO LIVE A VERY LONG TIME.

Denial is a persons worst enemy.

My dad and my Trini gma called. She hasn't lost her Caribbean accent. They want to see me. Hoping to surprise my dad for his 50th. I'd like to see them. They were talking about coming to visit, but I wont bank on that. People aren't dependable.

Oh I forgot ... I met my physio this week. Took two hours to look at my spine and neck and to discuss injurys I've had to my spine. Was kinda embarrassing to admit to car surfing and injuring my tailbone she asked how in regards to the tailbone. Truth or dare lol. I was such a dumb ass. I will never car surf or run on ice again, I will also not jump into a pool that is starting to ice over and then proceed to get into the spa. However the dare to make my gay bestie run around the cold ass pool butt ass naked ... priceless. Anyway as I suspected my spine might be the cause of all of my problems. I've booked the next 3 apts with her already. This sounds promising. I also had a review at work and it went awesome.

Anyway I'm gunna go day dream about the last man who was in my life.. and then I'm gunna enjoy my day with friends. Have a great weekend everyone :)