Thursday, January 3, 2008

Do you ever...

Do you ever look in the mirror and not see the real you? I wasn't realizing how fat I was getting. I would look in the mirror and think yeah I'm big but I'm not that big. Then BOOM! it hits you, you see a picture of yourself and you think what that can't be me? Or you ask your husband to put your pants on to see how big you really are except he fits in one leg and can wrap the rest around himself. Or you tell someone how much you weigh they say I wouldn't have thought you weighed that much by looking at you but then they say you weigh the same as one woman one man and a half a child. She is myfriend so i didn't feel insulted i just never looked at it that way. It's fu**ing devastating.

I managed to put that little bit of weight i lost back on over the holidays actually it was probably just this last week great right? I went to the gym today did my 20 min. I watched this program last night about this woman in America who weighed almost 900 pounds. She resulted in a gastric bypass which she had done in Texas the only place that would take her she made it through the operation successfully but died shortly after of something like a heart attache leaving her two young daughters behind.

I don't want to weigh 900 pounds i mean 300 is seriously bad enough and i hate it i hate looking at me. If you can't tell I'm feeling a bit down. I just feel like it's never going to happen I'm always in pain and i have no energy. I hardly ever look pretty because i just don't have the energy for it. Does anyone else feel this way? And those of you who weigh close to what i do do you feel serious pain in your back ankles knees every where really? The fybromyalgia is very painful for me but i want to know if anyone else can relate. I went to the gym and people were looking at me. I wanted to flip them all off and say well at least I'm at the gym. I'm going to bed now where i will wake up and start another day in this glorious world where i am still fat and uncomfortable. I told myself if i can loose 2pnds per week that's 104pnds in a year and that's not too much to ask of myself right. Those of you who are doing it you are an inspiration.