Saturday, September 20, 2008


Life In Canada

Hi Guys,

How have you been? I'm sorry I do forget to post I forget I have a blog lol. Not that I'm doing much at the moment to forget.

So here is the low down. I finally finally made it to Canada YEA!!! I am so much happier here then I was in England maybe because I have more friends here right away then i did in England. It figures I make good friends right before I leave.

My husband is still making me f***ing crazy. It's more of the fact that he doesn't show me affectionate first. He also glances at me and I know, I know he is staring at my arms or the other day I was laying on the ground and he was looking at my stomach. Also the other day I was wearing a new shirt and cooking with oil ad it was splattering so I took of my shirt (I know it's stupid to rather have the oil splatter on me but ssshhh) any way he was all pissy seeing me with no shirt on. Can we say this is why I am paranoid people are staring at me and judging me? Well they are though. I mean I know I have a cute face but still. I'm just so damn fed up up this bull shit.

I know I eat healthier then a lot of other larger people. I can't eat five slices of pizza (well I could but i'd vomit) I eat stir frys and salad. My down fall is carbs and salty food. When am I going to come to the point where enough is enough and i stop eating that shit? I'm poisoning my body with bad food. I know I am but why can't I stop myself?

Honestly I'm scared. I am scared of my skin not going back and being completely deformed. I don't want to have surgery if i don't have to I mean I can handle the pain of a tattoo or piercing . But having half of my stomach cut away. Also the way my breasts are my god the stretch marks the droopiness the big areola i mean seriously, the scars i will have after having a breast lift and what if my nipples can never get hard. I know I am prematurely worrying about this, and I should only think of it when it comes to that but it will.

I have been exercising more since being here but not loosing any weight probably because of the amount of carbs I have been consuming. My weight yo yo's by 6 pounds up and down. Today I am 304.8. I hate myself for letting me get so big and I know I could loose the weight If I really tried. I am self sabotaging that's what it is. I get stressed or upset. Man I did kick my own ass at the gym the other day though I spent an hr 1/2 there I walked there which took me 20min cause I'm slow walked back another 20min did 20min of cardio there and some weights and stretches. One thing I can be thankfully for is I am extremely flexible.

I am still in a lot of pain I need to get out of this vicious cycle and I really am trying. I have gone canoeing on the lake its great fun. I was worried I would sink it but I sucked it up and got in the damn canoe. It didn't sink. I know I bitch and moan about the same crap each time and your probably like god she is never going to lose weight. Sometimes it does feel like that. I think the reason my husband is an ass is because he told me he doesn't think I will do it. I mean I have been talking about it since i put on the weight and i just kept gaining weight. Every time I gain a pound I freak out and eat healthy so it goes back down. Three days ago it went up to 308. I was like hell no your going back down!!

There are so many things I want to do. I have a goal. Next summer I want to be able to fit into the clothes at the sports store. I don't know what it is but spandex is cool. lol. I also went to a hockey game last night and it was awesome. The 1st one I have ever been to but I really want to learn how to skate (don't want to even try at this weight). I am not going to be unrealistic. I am going to try and lose 20 pounds at a time because If i think about how much weight I really need to lose I freak out 145pounds at least. EEEEKK see what I mean lol. My first big goal is to get back to a 16/18. I know i still had a big fat roll and I was chunky but I could be called curvy and big and beautiful. Now I am just obese.

I am looking for a job out here. My cat has been peeing on the bed so she has to go to the vet may be a bladder infection but I feel bad cause they may have to put a needle in her bladder to see whats wrong. Thankfully it's been on the covers so not gone through to the actual bed (brand new). My husband just got a car I mean literally he just pulled it in the drive way. Cheap second hand car for 1500. He is happy because he has freedom again. I told him that's how I felt when I didn't have a car in England for four years. Sorry again for my thoughts being so sporadic but that's my ADHD. Well I think I am going to the gym today. I hope you all have a good weekend. XX oh ps. I have started writing a book about this girl who is a bit bigger and she finds love and manages to lose a little bit of weight but loves herself for who she is (no surprise lol)!!