Sunday, December 18, 2011

Sweet Dreams Carrie

What a week man, it's taken it's toll on me.

Friday was the memorial/viewing. I took pictures of her for her family and of the service, it was really difficult actually. Right after I saw her all I wanted to do was leave and get fucking trashed. The responsible person I am. I stayed till the end.

So this is how the week went. For the whole beginning of the week. Her cousin told me she was being held at the morgue, and her ashes were being picked up right away and being taken back to Manitoba.

So of course I was like, that's not cool. I at least have to see her. So we (her friend and I) contacted the morgue so we could see her, it would've been before she was prepped but we didn't care, if it was our only opportunity.

So I call the morgue to arrange to see her. They tell me she's not there, she's been moved. Ummm, to where? They didn't know. So of course I panicked, cause now she was lost right. It's ok, they let me know as soon as they knew where she was. Phew, it was like a scene from a movie.

We expressed that we'd like to see her. I was panicking. How the hell was I supposed to get to flin flon. If I was broke before, arranging the memorial tapped me out. She had to have a proper goodbye. Her family arranged that she have a viewing. So it would've been just her in a coffin.

So her other best friend Ashley and I decided to take it upon ourselves to give her a proper goodbye. We posted the event on facebook. They got the word out to her school, the faculty, the colleagues on her unit. We tried to contact some of her friends in BC.

I called the funeral home to find out if she had clothes to wear. Nope, and no one thought to tell us. They were just gunna put her in a nighty. Her bf didn't want  anyone going into their house before he did. Rightfully so, he had to travel to get here. So we went and bought her clothes. Sweater, scarf, leggings, underwear, shoes, belt, nail polish to match the sweater. I didn't even think to tell them to put makeup on her. Like eyeshadow or something.

We had to find out the condition of her body when she came in so we knew what to expect and what not. Broken neck, jaw and a gash to the forehead. I kept brushing her hair over her face to keep it covered, but people kept touching her. When I saw her, it wasn't her. It helped knowing that. Knowing that her body was just a vessel that contained her soul. Who knows where someones soul goes. Monday is when she passed. On wed her boyfriends sister delivered a baby girl... odd right?

Anyway, so Ash and I pretty much got together and set everything up. Cards, pics, clothes, candle, book for everyone to sign (had over 53ppl in 4days notice) Ash did up a cd. I made sure to put that song from PS I love you on there, the funny one from the funeral. We never got to it tho :( Devin, her ex, his family invested several hundred dollars into flowers. They were kind, and let Ash and I each pick one we liked best. Someone brought food. It turned out beautifully. I'm so glad Dustin her boyfriend decided to come. Just seeing him made me feel so much better.

I was finally able to speak to her mom. Like I sad her mom's been fighting cancer. She was doing pretty good, till Monday. The day she passed, her mom found out there may be something else; more cancer. She was so upset she couldn't attend. Finances are tight and her health and last minute. I'm gunna go to the bank and try and set up something for donations to her family. I told her mom she can stay here when she's in town. Same with Dustin. Whenever he comes through town he's got a place to stay. Her mom had been making little notes so I turned it into a eulogy to be able to read to everyone on behalf of the family. I obviously cleared what I said with her mom.

It was hard to see her. It just didn't feel like her u know. She looked like a wax statue. I touched her hand, her hair, her face. It was really hard for me, to touch her. I had to though. I just wanted to sit with her as long as I could. I didn't want to leave, because I knew when I did, it would be goodbye forever.

I have a hard time crying in front of people. I started to tear up so I put my sunglasses on,but could only shed one.  I cried when I saw her. I cried when I got to her place that night and saw her tree.

She was literally less then 5 minutes away from home. Seeing her beautiful home and the life Dustin provided for her. Hes like a dream come true. I wish I could find a man like him. Honestly he's an amazing man. He gave her everything she could dream of. It breaks my heart knowing how he must feel. He was so sweet to let us go through her things to see what we wanted. I'd really like the dream catcher. He said I could have it but i don't want to take anything that would bring him comfort. He gave me the hat she had worn to the concert we went to. We each had one. I got a dragonfly glass thing to put in the window. Couple candles. Bandaids lol, I figure she can help me when I fall down (happens a lot), books, candle holder, bio oil, some jewelry. I'm so sad though. Somehow my drunk ass lost the pairs to each earing I had. I have one of each. WTF? I wasnt drunk at the memorial, however i was drunk when I was at his house. I needed it for sure. It was funny going through her stuff. The things people keep. She's so funny. I don't know how many times I said that. Oh and then I forget my stuff at his house. I borrowed my neighbors mascara and lost it. So I just bought her more and pretended like nothing ever happened hahaha. Tho now my fav makeup and makeup brushes are gone. It's hard tho. I didn't want to be greedy, I hope I wasn't seen that way. Dust said to take whatever and he'll go through and see. Really, I'm just happy to have anything and that he let us come see him and spend time with him. When I first saw him we hugged for a really long time and he was crying, so then I started crying and I was like "Look what u did, now I'm crying." he laughed.

We found this little bag filled with homemade pouches out of paper and tape to hold change. All but 1 said $1, the other said .16c. Fuck we laughed. Dustin gave me a pictures to give to Dev, of his and carries trip to the coast. It was good of him to be so kind to Dev, and vice versa. I was a little worried. They had never met.

The family is letting me keep some of her ashes. My mom knows someone who will make a glass necklace out of it for me. Dunno if I could wear it though. Maybe hang it up. It might creep me out a little bit, wearing my friend.

Devs family gave me the beautiful flower arrangement I picked out.

I talked to the president from her nursing department at mt royal. He's totally cute btw. Anyway, so the school is trying to have somekind of tribute for people to remember her by. Dear Carrie, please send that cute president my way...

It was weird everyone coming to me and saying how sorry they were. I actually hate sympathy, I get all awkward. Do I hug this stranger, shake their hand? I don't really like people touching me. I hugged a few people, it was weird.


Hi my name is Elli,

I was one of Carries best friends.  I’ve been asked to speak on behalf of her family.

Unfortunately  they would have loved to be here, but with such short notice, them  living out of province and her mothers poor health, they were unable to make it. They however will be holding a small service in Flin flon, where she’s from next week, and next summer, her ashes will be buried next to her father.

Carrie loved animals, when she was a little girl she loved the unicorn song by the Irish Rovers…
“Cats and rats and elephants.”  She had a cat named missy, rats and a dog named nibbles, but she would’ve had an elephant if she could.

Her Grandpa Russ would call her his little Litisha

When she was younger she loved to swim, except she was terrible at it. So when they would go fishing they’d put a life vest on her , tie her to the boat, throw her in and let her swim while they fished.

Carrie decided to go back to school to become a Nurse. She was a very compassionate caring person. She wanted to help people and make a difference in their lives. I remember the first time she delivered a baby. She said it was amazing, she cut the umbilical cord. I told her you’re one of the first people to meet that child. She said yah but they’d never remember her. I told her she helped bring new life into this world, and that’s an amazing thing. She was also looking forward to making big bucks . She had a lot of plans she was looking forward to.

Within the last eight months or so, she met a fella by the name of Dustin. One weekend she would be in Calgary, the next she’d be visting him in Southern Saskatchewan,  and studying for school.

She was in 7th heaven now that she’d met him. She was the happiest anyone had ever seen her. She had met her soul mate. They were hard to keep apart. They were just starting to create a life together. Then god took her away from him, her family, and her friends.

Her mother Barb misses her very much. Her half sisters, the boys, her  stepmother Eldene. Her half sister Amber misses her very much. She’s up in heaven with her father now, he’ll take good care of her.
Her mom is very grateful for everything everyone has done for her memorial and everyone who was able to attend on such short notice.

Please send prayers and good thoughts her way.

She ask that we have adrink in Carries name.  Carrie would want us to celebrate her life, not mourn her death.

Figerprints don’t fade from the lives we’ve touched. She touched us all.

We all love you and miss you very much.

May you rest in peace, sweet dreams beautiful.


Now back to my regularly scheduled life. 

I have my moments. It's still fresh. I wonder how long it'll take to kick in, am I still in shock and denial or have I done what I normally do? Put a wall up and pretend like it never happened. It helps me get over things quickly but then again the issue is never really resolved.

I'm doing ok emotionally. I'm emotionally retarded, so haven't really cried since Friday.

Most of my friends were pretty insensitive... remind me the next time someone they loves dies...

I had to leave sleep group early and I missed relaxation all together. Coulda been helpful this week for sure.

I'm now mentally and physically exhausted, so my body is run down. All I want to do is sleep and be antisocial for a few days. Stupid Christmas. It's pointless when u have no kids. I'm just going to someones for dinner. New years, I blew off my plans. I spend it alone because I've been alone the last 8yrs for new years. I figure if I ring it in by myself. I have no drama going into the new year. Plus, I'm usually asleep by 9 anyway.  My g-ma's new year is more exciting then mine. Seriously, freakin g-ma.

Broke as fuck after the memorial. I was already skint. At least it went to a good cause though. She deserved nothing but the best.

I had a missed call from the casino last week. Wonder who the fuck that was. I never go there... someone I know for sure. I had a lot of missed calls that day from unknown numbers. Ergo, y i screen my calls.

Someone tried to take my tobez (Tobi) this week. I don't know you, I love her and now she's my cat. Leave me alone. Tobez lol, she's such a shit disturber.

I went on that date on Wednesday. Carrie, I don't know what I was supposed to get out of going to our pool hall for my date? Was I supposed to pick up the hot bar tender instead? Cause that didnt happen.

So the guy is Nick, sweet guy. Works for the city. Very handsome. Beautiful eyes, actually... they look like Tims but a different colour. As soon as I saw him I text my gf to tell her, her response..."Oh Lord" man I laughed. Every time I go on a date, with someone who's attractive but doesn't dress how I'd like my guy to look, I give them a little makeover in my head. If u have a fashion sense, then cool. If u don't have one at all that's when I do the little makeover. I need to spend more time with him to decide on what style would suit him. How fucked is that. The point here is I shouldn't need to change someone. Though I'm pretty sure my ex husband is very happy I gave him a hand. If I could work with him, I could work with anyone. Seriously bum bag and socks with sandals. LMAO y did we get married? ... He's a farm boy, drives trucks. He may be a little shy. He didnt do a whole lot of talking. Kinda a weird date. Anyway my mom lectured me and told me he sounds like a nice man, he's cute, give him a chance.... That's what I'm doing. She reminded me of all the losers I've dated this year... Thanks Mom! Regardless we'll be friends. He's chill. I like chill.

He's coming to make me dinner tn. I have like 3 other dudes who want to hang out.... I hate dating, it confuses the fuck out of me. I guess since I'm not sleeping with anyone I can date other people? I don't know. Plus I'm just in a shitty mood right now. Dealing with a death, worrying about my student loan coming through in time. Doctors apts, classes. GO,GO,GO. Here's the problem. I dont get attached to people I dont sleep with. That cant be a good thing though because I don't sleep with that many people. So if I don't sleep with him, I'll never be into him? I am fucked. Fuck!

I'm all fucked in the head. I don't know if I'm coming or going. I've wanted a boyfriend for a long time. I dunno now. Maybe when I meet the right guy, I wont have to question myself? Maybe I'm just being weird. I don't want to think about it, it gives me anxiety.

I'll be honest. I'm not putting much effort into anything else right now. I'm just letting myself coast until school starts. I need a vacation. I'm tired of drama and dealing with other peoples emotions.

So I'm at shoppers and this tweaker is there, trust me I know what a tweaker looks like. Buddy was making me anxious.  I wasn't scared, the way he was acting had me on guard. Jittery, talking to himself, not ur typical crazy. I fucking hate tweakers. Put the meth pipe down.

Something I've learned. Life is too short. I could die in an hr and have no time to prepare. Fuck what anyone else thinks. I'm doing whatever makes me happy.

Love the life you live. 12/18/11
                                                                  Continued on 12/19/11

So I had dinner with Nick last night. I told him this morning that i'd like it if we could be friends. We are just two very different people, who've lived two very different lives. Nothing happened. We never even kissed. He's a sweet guy though. I'm glad he never tried to kiss me. I've had guys try and force themselves on me before. I hate when I have to put my hand in their face and push them off me.

Kirstyn tried to tell me she's worried about me because I'm depressed....duh I'm depressed. It's been one thing after the next. I told her how insensitive everyone was last week. She said she was guilty as well but she just didn't know how to help me. I figured.

When I'm upset I tend to push people away. I don't like displaying weakness.  I'm everyones rock, or didn't you know. Who's my rock... ? I don't have one. That's the problem.

I don't let people in deep down. Where it really matters. How do you do that when your guards always up and you trust no one to stay in your life forever. Plus everyone starts to annoy the crap out of me lol.

I have learned, I need a guy who gives me my space. Feel free to text to tell me something about your day. Give me a call before bed, so we can talk about our days. Don't message me, all day, asking what I'm up to, knowing full well I have no life.  It bores me just telling you about my boring day.

I cant wait for school to start. If my loan isnt approved in time I don't know what I'm going to do to keep myself busy.

I'm fine as long as I dont think about Carrie and I keep my mind busy. I've now run out of things so I cry.

I'm in such a bad place mentally. I hate the holidays. It's not the same without a big family celebration. It was a lot different when we still celebrated at home. I do enjoy seeing other peoples family traditions its nice. If I ever had kids, I'd like it to be like that.