Friday, August 26, 2011

I got this shit covered...

So I went to Invermere on Tuesday. It was the dogs bollocks man. The people who have that awesome house we party out in Chestermere. Own a sick house in Invermere. It cost bank. Nicest house I've ever been to. We only went for the night cause my girl had to work on Thur. I finally got to go swimming in a lake this year. Thank you God. It was just peacfull and relaxing. Good timing too. It would have been my 5yr wedding anniversary that day. I dont miss him. I wasnt sad. My thoughts were I'm glad it ended sooner then later. I also thought what a shame it was and if I ever remarried again how i'd feel about it. I think no matter what and no matter who I wouldn't expect them to stick around. Hard to believe in the sanctity of marriage when yours failed. I have friends who are divorced and are remarrying and I wonder how they can do it so easily.

So I'm pulling myself together as fast as possible. I applied for ei. I chased Aish, I should recieve the letter in a couple days saying if I was approved or not or If I need to appeal. Looking for a pt job. I requested my Highschool and college transcripts. I made an appointment with a guidance councelor at U of C. I have booked 8 medical appointments for the next few weeks. Signed up for a few more medical classes that dont start till November. I made an appointment with my Nutritionist because I need a kick in the ass. Hoping my buddy can take me. It's in Black Diamond, cause I used to live in Okotoks. My last pay cheque, I stocked up on groceries $200 worth. Stocked up on cat littler. Gotta stock up on cat food. Who knows how long I'll srtuggle for. The point is I've been through this before and I'm a lot wiser now. I hit the ground running. I'll be ok. I'm actually going to go to the budhist temple next week. I need a little more hope and faith.

Oh and my roommate told me he's moving sometime between oct/nov. So I gotta find a new roommate. Not bad, my roommate will have lasted 10/11 months. His friend from Revi is moving here so he's gunna live with her. Prob more in common. Him and I get a long pretty well tho. I think my friends may be a bit much for him lol they practiacally live here sometimes. I mean he's hardly ever home anyway but still.

Sooo POF... yah I'm on it again. Cause I'm a retard. I swear I just do it for entertainment. There are sooo many fucking idiots and disgusting pervs on there. Thank god for the block feature. If I get comments like, nice tits...block... wanna hook up...block. Oh so I had this jack ass td... "Hey fat girl you're cute"... blocked... I almost responded, hey paki you're fugly. LOL i'm not racist at all. I just get soooo mad. I bit my tongue and didn't respond. Honestly I wont be going on many dates cause I'm hella selective these days and I get really awkward when I'm not into the guy. I tend to just blurt out "yah sorry this isn't working for me, I'm gunna go." Hahaha I dont mean to be a DB but I get really awkward and I have the flight instinct. Some people creep me out.

Ok so I swear Tim changed his height I coulda thought the first time I saw it, it said 5'11 lol am I trippin or is that right? Also took me a while to figure out this on his profile "common now I do have manners" I think he means c'mon, unless thats an east coast thing I dunno. I'd make fun of him but it would be pointless. You know even after everything if he knocked on my door I dont think I'd say anything I'd probably just kiss him. Not like he has my new number. Didn't really give it out. How sick am I lol. This is fantasy land. It'll never happen. I dont even know what I did with that lighter. I may find it who knows. If Troy knocked on my door, I'd probably punch him for being such an ass. I dunno what i'd do really. That wont happen either so I'm not holding my breath.

One of my really good friends is homeless. I let him stay for a few weeks but my roommate has had enough and doesn't really like him. I'm not allowed to have him over anymore, not even to hang out. Guess it's a good thing my roommate is moving eh. He showed up the other day crying and all I wanted to do was hold him. It's not often men cry in front of me. It's just natural to want to comfort him. I told him I know how he feels, I was homeless too when I was 18. He already knew that. We just compared shitty lives and of course he was crying so I started crying. He told me if anything happens to him I need to find his son. He gave me all of the information I needed. Of course that hurt me even more. I wish I could do more. I'm one of the only friends he has.

I'm trying to keep my shit together mentally. It's hard when u just keep getting kicked when you go to get back up again. Over and over and over for the last how long? I actually cried in the shower yesterday. My body just isn't cooperating with me. Mon tue I had fire throughout my arm. Been a while since thats happened. I imagine it's like arthritis. Cant sleep without severe pain in my back. It would be nice to have someone there to hold me when I do cry.

I saw my therapist and physio therapist yesterday. It was so good to be back. My therapist. I swear I go through every emotion in that 1hr I see her. I actually love her. She's one of the sweetest people, and very easy to talk to. Really I just need that little bit extra support from her. She's very encouraging. It's hard going through all this alone.

My physio therapist. Also an angel. I leave there in less pain then when I firt came in. My 8th rib is out of place which is why i have the back pain. My body clenches every muscle in my body to protect my abdomen because of the pain. So we were working on muscle relaxation yesterday. It's kinda funny when someone is showing you how to sit down properly. Who knew there was a right and wrong way lol?

Hung out with Dave last weekend. Great to see him. We went to the pub and threw back 4 or 5 pints it was funny. He's like "How many are we at now?" Me "No idea" him "well u've had as many as me." I was like "dude I lost track at 3 or 4 haha." He's funny as hell. I havent met his gf yet. I'm sure at some point I will. Unfortunatly between the two of us I ended up sun burned and he ended up with heat stroke lol what a pair. He treated too, for lunch and drinks. Cost him over 100 bucks. What a good friend hey. You should see the tab when I party with my buddy back home lol. We can go to a resteraunt and down like 4 cosmos each. Lesson to you all. The limit of cosmos without a hangover is 3.

Honestly a lot of bad shit has happened this summer. A lot of good shit has happened too. Despite the bad shit it's been the best summer I've had in Calgary soo far. There are a couple things I'd like to do before the summer is over. We'll see if I get the chance.

Stay tuned for Invermere pics. Hope you're all enjoying ur summers xo

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Growing tired of myself

So I got tired of reading all my blog posts that are exactly the same. So I took most of them that happened in the last year off.

So just a quick overview.

So Aug last year I gave up on Brad which was good timing. Sept Shawn came back, and left again, random. October there was Tim, the cute charming 23yr old from New Brunswick. Loved the accent. I love east coasters. Didn't stick around for more then a month. He woulda been a keeper. Of course I obsessed over Brad Shawn and mostly Tim. Oh Tim.

October I hit 230lbs wohoo. Talked at a convention held by the owner of GL fitness. Where I was working at the time, pt, sorting out my health. November pretty sure that's when I hit my -85lb weight loss weighing in at 227. Marriage baggage over. I believe November I started at the Chronic Pain Centre. My car also crapped out. December I had lunch with my ex husband and his gf so they could apologise for the way they treated me. Whatever past is in the past. It's history for a reason. Got my beautiful white Christmas dress that my friends bought me for hitting my goal. There was dan, that was so brief he's not even worth mentioning. My creepy roommate moved to BC and I got my new awesome Aussie housemate.

I dated some othere guys here and there before the new year but they were shitty dates. I obviously spent too much time obsessing over guys who really didn't matter, that I shouldn't have let into my life in the first place.

New Year, spent it alone. Feb started seeing Taylor. Who I spent a good amount of time with for two months. We became good friends. April I met Troy. I call him my fallen angel. He was one of the most beautiful men I've had in my life, next to Tim. Troy was trouble. Tim was just sweet. *sigh I dont even know, I'm delussional sometimes. I have a hard time letting people go.

I now longer worked for GL as of April
After Easter mon I took a sabbatical from sex. We're in the middle of Aug and I'm still going strong. Almost faultered once, recently. I spazzed and couldn't do it. It's not what I'm looking for and after all my obsessing I learned that I deserve better. Gotta hold out for the right one.

May I decided to try and go back to work FT . I deleted my online dating account in either May or June. It wasn't getting me anywhere but heart broken and I had been bitching about it for how many years?

We're in Aug and I dont have a job again. Trying not to panic and still trying to get my shit together. Insanity- doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

My Family-

Mom came to visit in July, had a great time. First time I saw her in two years and it went pretty well.

My sister got her first apartment with her boyfriend.

My Brother just got into pierce college. My nephew turned one.

My other two Brothers in NY one turned 14 and the other 18. My step mother who I dont talk to was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. I'm hoping she can fight it but it was a double mastectomy. I pray for the best for my brothers sake.

My Biological father turned 50 this year. I haven't seen him or my brother in 13yrs.

I'm gunna start making changes to my life.

Monday, August 1, 2011


Had a great weekend. Niki Kirstyn and Chris my brother from another mother came.
Started my birthday right with a cooked breakfast and a margarita by the pool at 10:30am. Got my tan on. Was cross faded all weekend. Horseback riding and white water rafting Sun. My ass is chapped from that horse. Damn thing loved galloping down hill as fast as it could. I'd be an ass hole too if I had me on my back.

Invited Troy but no surprise he wasn't there. I only invited him cause Kirstyn said she had a dream I told her he was coming to my birthday. Would've loved to have him there. Haven't seen him in over 3 mo's. She's like u know ur never gunna see him again right? I sighed and said yah. I was surprised I even saw him a second time. Used Tims lighter to make a wish cause I didn't have a candle lol. My mom wants my flanle shirt but it's my shirt that reminds me of him. I dont wear it but its a memory. Same with my holy jeans too many memories to throw out.

Anyways the weekend was much deserved I needed to get away. As soon as I saw c.o.p on the way back I was gutted. Love being out of town doing outdoorsy things. Loved seeing all the wild life. I miss travelling. A lot. I'm gunna start saving for my xmas trip to my tropical destination of choice. It just felt so good to leave my problems behind. Of course as soon as I got to town they all smacked me in the face.

Taylor has been staying with me all week driving me mad. He's leaving td. Told him sun was his last night sleeping here. I was out of town all weekend. Creapy stalker ass hole prick from the bus stop harrassed me again. Fuck me, LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE PSYCHO!!!! At least I'm not that fucking nuts. Shit. I did forget all my meds at home this weekend. TM should be interesting.

Most of my bday when I was alone was spent reflecting on my "relationships" if u could call them that. I haven't seen anyone since Troy. It's just too painful to hurt myself with guys who just dissapear. I want someone who wants to get to know the awesome and wonderful me. I come of ass such a retard when they take off. It's a love hate thing. I love when they're with me I hate them because they arent. Everytime I see a hot girl in some skimpy outfit I get all jealous and pissed. Kinda have the urge to kick skanky girls ass's. It's funny cause my friends point at a hot girl and say skank. I laugh. They know me too well.

It was great chillin with my peeps. Rafting was awesome. It was sooo not sexy me being in a wet suit. 3 people fell off our raft. Including the guide who fell off twice. It was pretty funny. He was hot too. If I only had a chance. Meh he's only here working on his summer break any way. Not what I'm going for. I do like the guys who like the outdoors. We're planning a camping trip, possibly september long.

Anyway better get back to my grey goose lol. The weekend isn't over...