Thursday, October 18, 2007

All about Me

I'm 22 i have been fat since i was 9 years old. Who's to blame for that I really dont know? My lowest weight as an adult was 227 pounds and for being a bigger woman i looked damn good. Due to a series of events in my life I became a bit depressed; and like many turn to food for comfort (obviously not on purpous). At 5'4.5 I now weigh 300 pounds they say a women doesnt like to reveal her weight. Well duh we dont. However I am, I want to write this blog to show people my life. Life as a fat person dont take offence to how i phrase things. I'm blunt i get straight to the point usualy causing insult to injury (again not on purpose).



I was recently diagnosed with an illness called fybromyalgia. I suffer from the following symoptoms:

*Headaches

*IBS

*Cold like symptoms no cold

*Skin sensitivity

*Sleeping Problems

*Joint pain

*Depression



I never want to do anything I'm always in pain god my back is killing me. I cant lie down for too long i cant sit for too long i cant stand for too long. Walking for an extended period of time is pain full on my back legs feet and my energy level drops. When I tell people I love the gym they probably think I'm nuts. I love to exercises I just don't have the energy. I like to think I eat a lot better then other larger people do. In some ways I do I hate fried food the oil and the smell. I used to eat fast food all the time. Now the only fast food i get is Chinese. The problem I have is my eyes are bigger then my stomach. Since I'm being honest I could probably eat a small plate and be satisfied for a few hours. I have a problem where i regurgitate food ( I know gross)! If ate small portions I believe this wouldn't happen. My problem is I have no self control. My weight is putting a bit of a strain on my marriage. My Husband loves me, but hes a healthy thin man In his early 20's and he is physically active he loves sports, which I am unable to participate. When we are intimate i have to have the lights off i don't want him to see me. In fact i don't want to see me it's a turn off to myself lol :-) i know it sounds stupid.

I have seriously considered a gastric band. Someone in my family was over weight and they had a gastric bypass unfortunately with serious complications fortunately they made it through and lost over 100 pnds. and looks fabulous. The reason i haven't really tried before is i guess i just don't see it. I don't see how fat I am, in my head I'm a small person. It's like the movie "Shallow Hal" I pick up my under ware and I'm like F**K those are gigantic what the hell happened. Denial happened! When I get In my crazy mode i wish i could chop it all off (obviously not an option). I constantly worry will my skin go back will my breasts sag. Coco Butter for the stretch marks I'm fortunate enough not to have deeply embedded stretch marks but i have them all over my stomach back arms and i have deep ones in my shoulders that look like someone to a knife to me.

Since I have gained even more weight I have lost all interest in my appearance. I shower every other day washing my hair and the rest of me. I cant be asked to blow dry it or straighten it so it usually ends up looking like a disaster. I would love to be one of those people who wake up every morning do their hair and make up have a sensible breakfast make my lunch for work and head off. Instead I get up put my clothes on brush my hair or if its not to bad just tie it up well either way its tied up. have breakfast go lay back down until i have to leave.

I'm unhappy and people think 'PUT THE FOOD DOWN' I wish it was that simple. My husband hides junk food from me or tries to give me a smaller portion and sometimes I just cry. It's pathetic to cry over food. I look at me and think half the crap I have eaten could have fed a several people in Africa. Does anyone else feel the way I do? Anyhow today my diet has been sensible. Though it has a lot of room for improvement. My goal is to get myself exercising some more.

Weight loss goals:
Get back to 227 and then proceed to lower my weight.
i would like to loose 2 stone by DEC which is around 30 pounds. Lets see what I can do. I am currently taking a tablet called xenical which will help me with that it is a prescription with nasty side effects. 2 words to consider when taking them if you don't follow their advice Adult Diapers!

2 comments:

a.m. said...

Thanks for your comment on my blog. :)

It's great that you're deciding that it's time to do something about your weight... that's the first step! I am almost halfway to my goal and I never thought I'd be able to get this far. It can be done!

The diet I follow is pretty much the South Beach diet... good, healthy carbs and healthy fats. I've learned that it's the processed, white carbs that I have to stay away from. I recommend that you get the South Beach book and read it if you're interested in the kind of diet I follow. I've also figured out that the only way for me to stick to my eating plan is to limit the choices I have around the house. So I don't buy junk food anymore and my husband just has to deal with that. I do buy him Oreo cookies, though, because I seem to be able to stay away from them. :)

I also go to the gym 5 times a week... I do 20-40 minutes of cardio on either the treadmill, elliptical machine, or stationary bike. On 3 of those days I do 30 minutes of strength training with weight machines and free weights.

Gibbons-Camp said...

Welcome to the world of weight loss blogging :)

Seriously though, I'm very moved by your entry, and I hope that you come to find your blog and the surrounding community of fellow travelers to be a source of support and inspiration. With your new commitment and the wonderful support you'll get from your new friends online, I'm sure the time when you cried over food will soon be only an unhappy memory.