Wednesday, January 25, 2012


I get a text at school td telling me he died, and his service is today. I didn't know him well other then at work or when I ran into him. He was a colleague of mine when I first moved here. At Leons. He was 30. He had cancer, beat it once and it came back. He loved to board. He moved to Fernie cause he loved boarding. He was waiting for the snow fall of all snow falls. Couple days after he died Fernie got a record breaking snow fall. Heaviest snow fall in twenty years... RIP buddy.

Song that was played at his service

I booked it after my last class. My gf came and got me and we went to his service. Unfortunately I was in sweat pants and a hoodie, but I didnt think it mattered what I was wearing as long as I was there. I paid my respects to his brother and got his number so I could give it to this girl I know that Trevor use to see. Signed his snowboard. Put the stone in the vase.

It was a beautiful service. I wish I could've gone to the pub to drink with them. They did slides, his family read a few things.'

I cried this time for sure, it's all too much. Pretty sure I feel a breakdown coming on. There were a few people I knew there, the majority of them knew I lost someone else recently.

Fuck, my heart hurts, the hole just got bigger...

Hey Life, what else do you wanna to throw at me? Think I cant handle it? You think I haven't had enough hard knocks? Fuck you! I'm braced for the blow, bring it on bitch...

Monday, January 23, 2012

The hardest part is doing it alone...

Tired of crying myself to sleep... could really do with crying in someones arms. Why do I always have to do it alone? I feel like such a bag of shit rn. I'm not sleeping. I'm fatigued, emotional, and very lonely. I just wanna be a suck.

Sunday, January 22, 2012

YAY For a new week!

hahaha don't I look shocked in that first pic when I'm takin a shot. Ok, so as usual click the title to hear me, YAY, for a new week. I also have another one for you to hear. There were tears :( had a bad day I recap that little crying thing in my main blog minus the tears. Newayz ... YAY for a new week!

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Life... I finally have one

So like the last one click on the title of this entry above Life... I finally have one and it will take you to my podcast.

Oh and if anyone is interested in learning a little more about autism please watch the video below.

Have a great week!

Monday, January 9, 2012

Blog podcast

K, I thought I'd give my pen a go and send my blog in audio. This way you guys can hear me. So click on the title of the blog  Blog podcast and it should take you to my podcast so you can hear me. This one is about my last post. Prob about 25min. I like to talk, what can I say.

Ahhh it works I'm so excited. My first podcast. Is that lame?

Sunday, January 8, 2012

24hrs to go!!! Well chuffed!!!

School tomorrow, YAY!

I have to spend today sorting stuff out. Figure out my pen. Everyone thinks its cool shit. Seriously, you have to see this pen.

I have to get to school early tomorrow. I have no idea where my classes are. Can you tell I'm on the ball lol. I need to go to DRS, to get some letters for my teachers. Gotta get my student ID and SPC card. I want a U of C hoodie, just cause I'm proud of me. Tho I might wait to hear about my loan approval before investing in a hoodie lol. Don't wanna get carried away.

Ash stopped by, gave me Carrie's binder from school and dropped off some of her old binders. It's like I was meant to have her school stuff. Niki tries to make me feel better. When something happens that I dont understand she'll say something about Carrie watchin over me. She had asked why I talked to her or everything is Carrie's doing. I told her cause it makes me feel better thinking she's lookin out for me.

I should really look at her ashes eh? Hold on I'm gunna do it now, gotta do it before school starts...

That was hard, I feel slightly more stressed out and anxious. Her ashes arent what I expected them to look like. It's like a light grey powder. I should probably tell you guys I don't have an urn. Don't want you guys to think I'm a weirdo who opens urns to look at ashes. They put her in a baggie inside a little box for me. I'm not ready to do anything with her ashes yet. It makes it more real having to look at her ashes. Fuck, now I have tears. It would be really great If I could have a good cry, instead of two silent tears. I just gotta get it out. Dev's moving to France after he graduates in May, Ash is in her last year of nursing. Dust, he's gunna live out of a hotel and work as much as he can until he's ready to settle again. That was pretty much his life before Carrie. He makes good money. I imagine he'll save, buy more boats, vehicles, a house. He was talking about the Okanogan for buying a house and maybe Costa Rica. I imagine he'll just take life as it comes right now. Dev is planning a trip to Victoria during spring break to plant a tree at the school there for her as long as it's approved. We were invited with him. I'll take that trip, I'll go with him.

God I miss her, all the time something happens or I need her opinion and I think, oh I should call Carrie... and then I remember... she's gone.

So Friday I was supposed to spend some quality time with my best friend. She asked if I minded if her boyfriend came over too. I never mind. Except I know I have to sensor myself around him and that he'll get bored and cut our time short. So I told her he could come if he wasn't gunna rush us. So she calls me and says they're gunna swing by real quick. "Don't worry about it, don't waste your time, I'll see you another day. I told you not to come if he was gunna rush you." Obviously she responded to that.  We both sounded ticked off at eachother. Anyway I text her after and was like, It's not that I dont want to see you I just dont get to spend quality time with you anymore. It seems like you're whole life revolves around him and you aren't taking time to have your own life. I barely see you anymore and the short visits just make me miss you. I start school and I'm not really gunna have time anymore. Obviously we worked it out. We went to the motorcycle show yesterday. Saw some sweet bikes. Makes me want one even more. They had some sweet gear. She wants a new bike. It wasn't anything overly exciting to be honest.

She's been with her man officially for 3months and she has a plan for them. He's a good guy and I like him. It just seems like she's more invested then he is, at this point. She gets bitched at and when she has a problem with something he does, she cant win that argument. That's not how she said it obviously. I just hear the stories and draw my own conclusion. I obviously hear all the good things. I just wonder if all his irritation with her will build up. I just cant see her broken hearted anymore. It hurts me. At least she's brave enough to put herself out there.

My other best friend isn't moving down the street now... She had the deposit and the lady never got back to her. We weren't sure how we felt about her anyway. Not meant to be I guess.

I've been looking for part time jobs on campus. I just need a couple hundred bucks extra a month so I can start saving. I have shit to do this summer!!

I found a Tai Chi studio. $20 membership and a monthly fee however it's reduced based on income and if you're a student. So hopefully I can take the classes for cheap, and it runs for like 4mnths. I think I'm gunna do the Saturday afternoon class. First class is free so I'm gunna bring my friends to see if they'd like it.  I can join the session thats already going on or I can wait till it starts over in Feb. If they don't wanna go its cool. I like having my own hobbies. At least I'll have something to talk about. Granted if they arent interested in volunteering, primates and tai chi. They probably wont want to hear about it.

Oh, so my best friend Vell  (best friends are my closest friends) who lives in Japan. He's my half sisters ex step brother, grew up in Sac area together. Complicated I know. So I tell him what degree I'm going for and he's like "please don't, you'll only be able to get an HR job" I'm like what? Fuck. So first my mom discourages me in '02  cause I want to get a degree in music. Actually she pretty much told me I couldn't and I wont make a career of it. I was 17. Now this. Eff that shit, I'm not taking a desk job. I'm working in the field ok!! I'll figure it out. I'm one of those people who will move at the drop of a pin, if I have no reason to stay. Oh what? I'm hired... peace. Actually I figured if I actually did work in the field then Calgary would probably be my home base. This is all a day dream right now. I find things work out better for me if I don't worry about it. Whatever happens, happens. Who knows, my life could change so vastly in the next 4yrs.

So my best friends dad had colon surgery this week. High risk surgery. So far so good. We're either gunna see him today or tomorrow.

Anyway Kirstyn asked how my mom was doing... So If you know her and read this please don't tell her I said this. She's really sick, she's in depends. She wouldn't want anyone to know. I know she wants to end her suffering and sign the DNR but she's one of my best friends. I don't want to lose her. She's only 46. I hate life sometimes, it can be really cruel.

Why does all this shit happen at once? There I am supposed to go into school with a clear head stress and drama free... Someone said the first 12days of the new year are supposed to tell you how the rest of the year is supposed to go. 4more days to improve how my year will go... oh man. I really need to turn my phone off lol.

Tim... I got nothin. Haven't heard from him... going on week three. I wonder if he's been in town at all. It's hard. Is it sad that I hope he's wondering why I haven't messaged him? Maybe he'll think it's him like, maybe I'm not what she remembered? Maybe I should contact her... I mean I chased him for over a year and now I'm not messaging him at all. I'm dumb.  I mean it's not the case but I'd feel better if he actually had those thoughts lol. I want to talk to him. I just dont want to come off needy or clingy anymore. I know I obsess. It keeps my mind off of my real problems. The idea of not being so lonely and having to do it all on my own. The fact of the matter is he's just not that into me. I shouldn't lie to myself. If you knew all the things that go through my mind. Here's an unrealistic thought. Ok,  so I was thinking what if he reads my blog (cause I gave him my link when he first left) and he has low self esteem right now, from some chick (maybe the one that told him he has a gay face haha jk) so he thought he'd sleep with me so he can read all the shit I say about him to make himself feel better and boost his ego... I know, I may be crazy, at least I'm sane enough to know I'm fucked in the head lol.

I try and act like I don't care but it really does hurt, to know the person you like doesn't really like you back. I miss him and I really wish I had the opportunity to show him just how wonderful I am.

I guess that hug showed he cares about me in some weird way that I'll never understand.

... ... listen

TROY.... grrr!!! Honestly I think I use Troy drama to distract myself from thinking about Tim and to also distract me from the death of my friend, my sick mom, my friends issues, my own issues.

He shows up at 3:30 in the morning banging on the door. My roommate has a go at him so then Troy's arguing back. They got over it. Then Troy takes a call and is fighting with some dude on the phone. He's doing his best to keep his voice down. He looked kinda dumb yelling into the cupboards. I actually mimicked it to my friends and they all laughed. I was like he looked so dumb, it was hilarious. We obviously had a conversation. He was being more affectionate then usual, it was kinda weird. Tho ideally I'd like a man who was like that all the time. I'm still not sleeping with him, just to make that clear. Then he tells me he's gunna run to macs at like 5 in the morning and he'll be right back. Bitch never came back. It's the second time he's done that. Fuck face could just say he was leaving. What was the point of coming to my house? Somewhere warm till you decided what you were doing next? Fuck.

What is he gunna do when he shows up at 3am and there's someone in my bed? I may be home but I'm not always alone Troy. I'm not seeing you so I'm bound to date and see someone else at some point. I date from time to time you know.

He's getting right the fuck bitched out next time he shows up. This is getting retarded. This behavior is not tolerable. I don't even attempt to stay in contact with him. He stops in when he feels like it.
I don't have time for this shit anymore. Here's my schedule, I'll be waking up at 6am. Mon Wed Fri I have class 9-1 then factor in traveling time on transit. Wed Thur I still have sleep and relaxation group for a couple more weeks. Doctors apts on my days off school. Fri is Niki night, Sat is volunteering and possibly tai chi. Then my other free time is friends, studying, recovery time and gym. I'll prob be in bed by 7 every night at the latest. Cause I need twice as much sleep as regular people. Last night I got 11hrs 8 of them were consecutive, which like never happens. Not feeling as run down today. Hands are burning though, I gave Niki a foot massage cause she has a fractured foot. Then she did my shoulder blade cause my shoulder locks up and I get a lot of pain in my chest and abdomen.

hahaha my friend called and I wasn't really paying attention to her. She's like "Are you blogging?" I laughed, I totally was. They know me too well. Damn predictability. I need a car. It actually takes me hours to write these. I read and re read and decide some things need to be deleted cause people don't need that much detail. Plus half of what I say makes no sense.

Brenda told me she feels like everyone is doing something with themselves except her. She's a lot like me health wise and obviously we have similar personality traits. I told her she needs to give herself something to look forward to on a regular basis. I feel lost all the time. Ergo my st Jude necklace.

I feel like I'm not living if I'm not doing something with myself. I just want to feel alive, have a purpose, a reason to keep going. A reason to be...

Friday, January 6, 2012

3 days

Till school starts, holy fuck eh... I'm so excited!

I picked up my awesome echo smart pen. Coolest invention I've seen yet. I'll be meeting my note takers sometime before Monday. I get so stoked every time I step on campus.

Thank god for GST I was flat broke.

Still waiting on my loan... still no books... shit son. I'll have to see if the library carries any of them.

Carries 25bday- I picked up my share of her ashes, finally. I haven't opened the box to look yet. I don't know why I'm avoiding it. Maybe cause It'll be depressing or too real for me to deal with. I don't know. You'd think I'd be able to cope after actually seeing her, but some things are harder then others, even if it doesn't make sense. We had lunch at Moxies. I was supposed to go with her and Ash on her birthday last year but I couldn't afford it. Shoulda coulda wouldas eh... She had lunch with us. I put her on the table. Is that weird? Everyone else was cool with it. Then we got balloons wrote on them and set them free by Glenmore reservoir. She used to do 15k walks around it. That was Dev, Ash and I. Then I got a little cake/brownie thing and put candles on it and made a wish for her. Niki did that with me. It made me feel a little better. I covered the whole thing in candles so it looks like the cake is on fire lol. I thought she'd think that was funny.

I'll post some pics when I've uploaded them.

I think I need to work on my rage. Nothing pisses me off more then the idiots I've slept with.

Tim, I'd message him if it weren't for the fear of being rejected or being ignored all together. My best friend is like "you're never going to be satisfied are you?" Tim comes back, then Troy does but you're not happy because you don't have Tim" I was like "he's the best one! He's cute, has a good head on his shoulders, a good job, he doesn't go to jail. Good in bed." Then all the other awesome qualities he has.

I really do try not to think about him, but all I wanna know is that I'm gunna see him again...

So I try not to put all my eggs in the Tim basket. Realistically I may never see him again. Making an effort with Troy seems pointless. He talks big. "Oh, we'd make a cute couple don't you think? You coulda had my baby, unless you were fucking around with someone else, were u fucking around with someone else? It's ok for you to make me jealous but I cant make you jealous...? We kiss good together, don't you think?" He's right we do. Too bad he forgets that. He always says that.  Just some of the things he says do put me down. He acts like I'm just another slut. I told him I'm not. He read the message I sent to buddy where I said I don't see multiple ppl at the same time.

It would be easier if I knew If I was seeing someone. I don't know..If they stuck around then I wouldn't have to question, am I actually seeing someone? This always happens. They're idiots who piss off and then come back at the same time. I'm not a mind reader guys. Tell me you plan on sticking around and I wont see anyone else. How bout that?

"You fucked me the first time you met me. I guarantee I wasn't the first and I wont be the last." ... bastard. I can tell you exactly why I did it. He was so hot I figured I'd never see him again, and I didn't want to miss my chance to touch that fine body of his. Cause, why would him or Tim want to see me again? I'm just the fat chick. I know, I know, low self esteem. I'm getting better.

He's right he wasn't the first. It was Tim. However he was the last. I didn't sleep with Ben the first time I met him. I haven't taken on anyone new. I'm tired of getting hurt. Why keep putting myself out there? Seriously I could have a guy for every day of the week if I wanted to. I just hate chicks that are like that. They give good girls a bad name.

Why do I bother? He only comes over here when he's fucked up. Then he gets more fucked up when he's here. Then he sleeps here, I'm guessing not because he wants to spend time with me. We aren't sleeping together. He's not even a friend really. Doesn't check to see how I'm doing. Ignores me, shows up whenever. Doesn't respond if I do message him, doesn't add me to facebook. Troy you're dumb, change your privacy settings. You'd think he'd want to keep tabs on a girl he wants to sleep with again. Seeing how territorial he is. I just don't want to be used by anyone else. I'm done with people walking all over me. Whats the point of having him here? Cuddles seem to be the extent of it. I wouldn't let him see me cry so he cant even be a shoulder. Don't get me wrong, he's charming when he wants to be and I enjoy his company. He's affectionate. He's just a pain in the ass. I feel like I need to protect him from himself lol. He always makes the wrong choices.

I'm just tired of putting energy into people who don't care about me. I deserve better then that.I dont have time for bullshit.

Niki says to me "I hate to say it but Ben is the only one who ever admitted you were too good for him. He told you, you don't want him as a boyfriend. He respected you more then that. He knows you're a really good person. I mean he still hits you up from jail. You're too good for these guys Elli." Bens case it was true. He'd lie, steal, beat and cheat if he was my boyfriend. If he hit me I'da hunted him down and taken the bat to his fucking face. No word of a lie. No one, will ever physically abuse me ever again. I don't live in fear.

Whatevs right, I don't have a lot of notches on my belt. They can think what they want, but they don't know me. I can count the guys I've slept with on both hands. I guarantee they cant. I was the 148th person Troy slept with. How disgusting is that? Women are expendable to him. I guess when u look that good hey? Sex doesn't mean anything to my generation, I guess it helps that I was raised in a religious household. Every time I sleep with someone new I regret it. I just think my future husband will want a wife who valued herself enough not to sleep around.

I look at my friends relationships, they have to put up with a lot of shit. It always reminds me of my marriage. Then I think, do I really want to put up with relationship drama? I just think if he's making you cry or stressing you out cut him loose. I should really stop telling them to dump their boyfriends lol. I should take my own advice and stop sleeping with tools. Really them and money are my biggest headache.

My friend got back with her boyfriend. I asked her if it was the right thing? If she really thinks he's changed? Something I know, people don't change unless they want to. Anyway, she said "Elli, I see how lonely you are and I don't want to be lonely." ... Glad I'm the spokes person for loneliness. Its true, I am lonely and I have been for a really long time. I feel like Bridget Jones. You know, at least my life doesn't revolve around them. At least I don't blow people off or reschedule plans for a boyfriend. I just don't want to be unhappy for the rest of my life.

So this is what my friend said to me "You're so prejudice against other big people. You could be missing the chubby guy who brushes your hair when you don't feel good, who  runs with you until you're out of breath and you stop at the same time." LMFAO damn those six packs. I'm not prejudice. There's only one fat chick I hate. Dumb bitch. Anyway, I'd date a chubby guy with a cute face. By chubby I'm saying he needs to lose 30lbs max. I'm just not attracted to bigger people, which is why I don't understand when people are attracted to me. I just need someone who can encourage and motivate me and do the active things I want to do. If we were working towards the same goal then cool. I don't want anyone who's gunna slow me down and demotivate me.

I had sleep group and relaxation. Seriously, I'm hilarious. I love when my sarcasm makes people laugh. Especially when its about their illness. We all have such a hard time on a day to day basis. I try and encourage them. I try to make them see it from my point. I'm 26, you cant defeat me yet. I want to live a normal life even if I have to sacrifice and be in pain. I know full well If I jump in a lake I wont be able to bend my knees for hours and my knees and ankles will swell. Do I want to miss out on the opportunity to live?

Sleep group right now is kinda pointless. Cant sleep when you have nightmares. Its a lot harder when they mimic reality. I've had a lot of dreams about the present. That doesn't normally happen. I don't usually dream about people I know. Relaxation, I actually almost fell asleep this time. So we're laying on a mat with pillows and I had a bolster (really need to get me one of those). So this one she says something and repeats it twice then you have to say it over and over in your head until  the next sentence. Ex. "you're hand is heavy and warm, your hand is heavy and warm" I kept getting distracted by my own thoughts at first. Thinking about my love life, then  some reason a car chase... I musta started dreaming. They put like a mood thing on your hand and based off of how relaxed you are, your temperature will change the color of the dot. Mine went half way up the scale. Good I think. Then I had to pee and it woke me up. Do not have coffee before relaxation group.

Niki wanted to come but unfortunately she cant come to the groups. She'll come to a doctors apt at some point. She wants to better understand my illness as much as she can. She has a fractured foot and it makes her bitchy. She's like "Elli, I don't know how you do this. Live in pain all the time. I mean its just my foot. You have it all over your body on a daily basis." It's pretty obvious when I'm in pain. I walk slow, I limp. Picking up the cat takes all of my energy. I'm irritable. I fall asleep like an elderly woman. I fell asleep yesterday at 6pm. My body didn't want to stay awake. That was only an hr after taking my sleeping pill. Normally it takes 3. She was standing right next to me talking to me trying to wake me up, trying to say my name. I didn't hear her at all. I did wake up at the right time lol. I heard her say ginger chicken. I was confused, then I realized she was probably ordering Chinese food. Literally Niki has walked right up to me in bed and taken the laptop from right next to me and I did not wake up. For some reason when Kirstyn does it she scares the shit out of me. Then me gasping scares her. It's pretty funny actually. If people I don't know are here, I wont really sleep. I don't trust people so gotta be on guard. Trust me bad shit happens when you're asleep. Sometimes they'll try and get me to talk in my sleep. I make no sense. I told them they should've recorded it.

I haven't dreampt about the white whale since Carrie passed away. I just think it's crazy that I had a sixth sense about it. Just the day before someone deciphered my white whale dream. It was death.

I really need to find somewhere where I can do Tai Chi... I miss it a lot. I really enjoy it. It feels like an art of movement.

People keep telling me I'm going to meet a good man in college. They told me not to break too many hearts. I'm just glad I have the opportunity to meet better kinds of people. You know, less criminals and druggies. People who have hobbies and can stand to be sober would be a good start. At least dating has taught me all the qualities I'm not looking for in a man lol.

Honestly the time I've been single has really given me a chance to get to know myself better. To appreciate myself. I'm learning to love me and put myself first. Granted it came with some heartbreak. These last three years I've learnt to stand on my own two feet. It's the first time I've ever had to take care of myself by myself.

I'm still standing... and I'm looking forward to my future, whatever it has in store for me.

I'm happier ^_^

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Happy 25th Birthday Carrie

Just another blow to my heart. Dunno if there's anything left to break now.

I'm not gunna lie. I'm pissed that your life was stolen. Its not ok that you didn't even make it to 25. I wish this day hadn't come around so soon after you passed. I guess doing it all at once is like ripping the bandaid off, eh? Get all the pain over with right away?  I was able to cry for like a minute, I think that's progress. I haven't cried since Sunday, when I was telling Troy about you. We're trying to be here for each other. Ash and I are going to see Dev today to give him the pictures from your trip, and just to spend time together. Ash and I had dinner with Dust on Sunday and spent a few hours at your house. He told us some stories about his life. He's done so much. I feel like I haven't lived enough. He's right though, life is to short to be scared to die. Have fun, you only live once. He let us see his guns. Now I wanna fire the semi automatic, lol. I wish I could afford to get that tattoo. I'da done it today in your memory.

I have your backpack for school. From Carrie. I start in less then a week. I'm so scared that I wont be able to do it. I'm trying not to think about it. I just know I wont be happy with myself if I'm not getting really good grades. I really do worry about my memory. I got two out of three missing pair of earings. My makeup bag made it all the way to your moms in Manitoba and back again. How crazy is that? I'm glad that we get to see Dustin, it makes me feel so much better having him around. I hope he always stays a part of our life.

Do you think god was manifested to motivate people to live their life right? So you don't fear death as long as you were a good person? We're born to die, it's the inevitable. Is there even a purpose to life? I don't know what I believe, I try and hold on to faith; that there's more to life then this. I told Ash I talk to Carrie. I still call her voicemail to hear her voice. I wish I could record it and keep it forever.

I've been in so much pain. If I thought I was rundown it's even more so now after this weekend. My face and skull pain is so bad today it's retarded. Didn't actually fall asleep till 6am on Sunday. Troy showed up randomly Saturday afternoon with his best friend and his best friends girlfriend. They left around 5pm Sunday night. We still didn't sleep together. It's been 9 months. He said something like I could be having his baby right now.. umm...ok. We did get in an argument, he was pissing me off. When he's not making me mad he's good company. That boy is quicksand for sure. He may be able to protect me but I'd never have the life I want with him. I'm actually still kinda pissed about how my new years went down. So much for drama free. Pft.

Troys best friend and his girlfriend came back over Sun chilled and crashed on my couch. OMG he was telling me how his gf was so fucked up this one time he caught her trying to smoke a tampon, lmao one of those little ob ones, I was like "At least she wasn't trying to light the applicator." He's like "I wouldn't put it past her she started to use her hairbrush to brush her teeth. I was like what the fuck are you doing" Oh man, that was hilarious. I'm not gunna lie, I tried to leave the house with leg warmers on my arms and call them arm socks once. It was pretty epic. I didn't have a coat lol.

At least I know I'm cool lol.

One of my best friends who's been staying on my couch, she got a place across the street from me so we can see each other all the time. She was living hella days away last time and we never got to see anyone. She's looking forward to me being able to give her a hand with groceries and stuff since she has a fractured foot. It'll be nice to have her close by. She lived too far away before, it woulda taken all my energy just to travel to see her.

I decided I'm going to take on the 25+ group for my volunteering. Saturdays from 6:30-8:30pm. Not like I date anyway. Friday nights are reserved for Niki... at least I'll always have plans right? I'm looking forward to it.

Haven't heard from Tim... gay... I do not.. understand.. men. I wonder if he ever thinks about me. Probably not eh. Woulda rather he was here on New Years then Troy lol.

I'm still not talking to anyone new, I do read my messages on pof tho. Strokes my ego lol.

I need to get back into the gym, gotta get ready for softball in the summer. Gotta quit smoking. I smoked so freaking much this weekend. Its gross. I gotta stop fuckin talking about it and actually do it. Why do I have such a mental block. I've lacked motivation all year. I'm not satisfied with my appearance right now or my fitness level.

Let the busyness begin. This week is the start of my new life. You don't have to run away to reinvent yourself.