Trust ... Trust No One! How can you when no matter what you do you get fucked over? Sex is easy, relationships are hard. I want sex to mean something.
Have you ever been betrayed by the people closest to you? Family, close friends, roommate? I have. Have you ever been kicked while your down and continue to get kicked year after fucking year? I have. Maybe my problem is the people I have in my life. What If I saved and saved and saved, then left everyone behind to start my own life. The life I want, the life I deserve. The memories of the past to be gone because I will be a different person?
I want to be fit, successful, confident, happy. If I count on no one but myself how can I be let down? I'm tired of being hurt, sad, sick, broke, fat, used. I have a lot of anger and hurt inside. I just want one person I can count on for the rest of my life. Sometimes I think I don't want children. Why would I want to bring them into a world where all of this exists? I'm angry and bitter tonight obviously. I have been going on walks this week. I've really enjoyed them. Just me, music and nature. FREEDOM!!!! Do I trust the people who once hurt me the most? Do I trust them not to let me fall? No I don't. I'm not going to say too much because tho I like to think my blog is read by people who know me and care, it will prob be read by people who know me but don't care and misinterpret what I have to say or think what I'm saying is fucked up. Honestly right now I don't give a shit.
I would talk about the new guy more but there isn't much to say yet, we had a good date, enjoyed some good laughs, he's funny and seems easy going and blunt. I'm not going to read too much into anything these days. Who knows where life is going to take me ... hopefully to my masseuse cause my back is killing me. I've let loose a little bit. It's fun however I hate having to babysit my friends when they chose to get carried away. Oh and if one more person says how nice I of a person I am I may just kick them in the crotch to prove them wrong. I am a nice person but people take advantage of that and they can fuck off.
Ps. I'm still broke and living off of Oranges, cereal, toast and water for the most part. Should help the weight loss lol. Oh and not to discredit the people who are good to me in this life ... i just wonder if and when they will fuck me over too. I wish I could trust someone ... on that note, goodnight.