Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Recent pix

Catching up on the years i missed out on

Wow, sometimes i forget about my blog. I am at 275 pounds, at the moment i fluctuate from 272 to 277. This has primarily been from diet. I lost the first 20 pounds on my own and I asked my doctor to refer me to this awesome nutritionist.

I don't feel like I'm missing out on the junk food. In all honesty sometimes i still eat the junk food. I always feel like shit afterward. That just tells me how bad it is for me. One thing that was "weighing" down my diet was the amount of fats i was consuming and the calories i was drinking. You know the frozen concentrated drinks we get. Look how many calories are in one serving and how small that one serving is. One glass your probably drinking a quarter of your days allowance. I've been drinking the nestle packets with splenda in them and it helps. Then the amount of extra virgin olive oil i was cooking with and the cheese i was having throughout the day.

I'll give you a break down of the food I have on a daily basis so you get the idea of what my nutritionist ha planned out for me. In the last few weeks i haven't been sticking to it the way i should have. I set a huge goal for myself by July 30 2010 I want to be under 200 pounds. I've been off work for over a month now with sever facial pain. I have the fybromyalgia which is crippling enough. It runs me down makes me sick and causes depression. Now I have additional pain which I've been told may be trigeminal neuralgia (nerves in my face, caused by my brain). Which is the excuse for not eating my 3 meals a day and cooking all of my meals. I've had no energy, I'm on 5 different types of medication, I sleep the majority of the day and have very little energy. I'm in severe pain as i write this. However I'm watching the biggest loser and it motivated me to talk about how I'm feeling.

This season of the biggest loser has made me realize that I have emotional issues that I have not addressed. The problem is I don't know what they are. A lot of my childhood I've blocked out memories. I obviously remember the good but I've blocked out the bad. I was talking to my mom the other day and she reminded me of things I had forgotten, hurtful experiences I've had. I told her the other day this year has been about me being kicked down and when i get back up i get kicked down again. She said the last few years have been like that for me. It's true. I was in Denial about my relationship with my soon to be ex husband. I don't know why I allowed the hurt to go on for so long. I felt like shit the whole relationship. I've been happier now. I wouldn't say I'm happy with my life but I am happier then I was. I've come to the conclusion that I've never been truly happy in my life for an extended period of time. I've had happy moments, key moments. My life right now consists of me not getting stressed so I imagine times where I felt happy and free. Walking in the rain by the river listening to one song on my ipod over and over singing and dancing when no one could see me. Jet skiing feeling the wind in my face and the freedom on the water.

I want to learn to be happy, I think I need to fix me first. Outside and in. I believe the lack of dating in my teen years and being married during my early 20's I missed out on skills I should have gained. I realize with guys I'm kinda awkward, I don't get how to play the "dating game" nor do I want to play the game. I just want to be honest and upfront about how I feel. I don't have the confidence to approach guys. So I do the whole Internet thing pof or cl. I've met a few people. I've had a man lol. A FB situation lol - the actual friendship. It's more for physical gratification then emotional. I do actually want the emotional side of a relationship again. I'm afraid to let someone in and trust them again, but i want to try. There are a couple of guys I'm talking to right now and I'm interested in maybe something more. I've never been the play the Field kind of girl. I'm starting to care about my appearance a little more. I'm wishing I could afford to get nice clothes and get my nails done. This is the first time I've ever been financially on my own and it's hard.

I decided to stay in Canada after the separation because I felt like i needed to prove to myself that I am strong and I can do this. I miss my family and friends. I cry on occasion, I find it hard to cry these days. I had to go to the hospital recently and it's the first time I realized how alone i was, I had to call about 10 people to see if anyone could drive me hope after a shot they needed to give me to help with the pain. I even tried my ex who I realized will not stay a friend, he wants a completely separate life that doesn't even involve friendship. I don't understand his mindset and I honestly don't like the person he's become. However I can be grateful that his decisions in life no longer effect me, or hurt me. I just wish the friendship could last on, haha I'm just optimistic and naive i know lol.

In life all I want Is to be proud of myself and love myself and to be happy. I want someone who is a constant support and doesn't remind me of the negative and is constantly reminding me of the positive. Someone who can hold me when i need to cry, laugh with me when i feel joy. Someone who knows how to pick me up when I'm down. Most of all I want to know how to do this myself. My Biggest goal is to run. I want to learn to run. I want to learn to roller blade, ice skate, snow board, rock climb, sail, surf, hike. I would love to go back to school, maybe to become a nutritionist and fitness insturctor to be a motivational speaker and help other people. It makes me so sad and angry when I see obese children. I was an obese child and the effects it has had on my life my health my self esteem and self image. I don't want other children to go through this. I want parents to be educated on how to help their children and not make them feel worse about themselves. They need to motivate their children and get them more active.

Someone said something to me recently. I don't really know him and he wasn't saying it to be cruel but to inform me of how men think. I had turned him down because he is not my type. Apparently this is the first time that has happened to him. He said men usually ask out girls who they think wont turn them down. They pick easy targets and bigger girls are easy targets. Apparently I am not an easy target! I was also told that men like bigger women because they are kinkier in bed. Now i know both of these can be true, based off of confidence issues with ones self. I know sometimes I allow people to use me. I don't want that anymore. I also said to this person that I want to be a motivational speaker. He said what the hell do I have to offer people. I have knowledge about life to offer people. Inform them the pain and suffering of what being obese has gotten me. I obviously intend on losing more weight before I do this, but this is one of my goals. I joined a gym. I love my gym; when I haven't been in a while they call me and make me feel guilty for not going lol. I had a call about a week and a half ago and he made me promise to be there. I said i'd go i the morning, when i woke up i decided f the morning I'll go in the afternoon. I left him a message to tell him i'd be there. He didn't get the message and he called me again to remind me that i promised. Now I almost never break a promise. I was there and we laughed, and I told him I NEVER BREAK A PROMISE! lol. Ok that's about all I have to share today. I think it's enough lol. I had some catching up to do.

What I would eat on a daily basis:

Breakfast: Usually 10 am
1/2 multigrain cereal with half a carton of blackberries and 1 cup of milk
cup of tea with splenda (i do use sugar i know i cheat)
1 slice of whole wheat toast with beecel (should be about a teaspoon)

Lunch: Usualy 1:30 pm
2Slices of whole wheat bread
1/8 avocado (cut a sliver out of the whole avocado to keep it fresher longer, then mush up the avocado and use it as spread on your sandwhich).
1 slice of tomato
romain lettuce
3 slices of shaved chicken breast

Snack: 3:30
1 source yogurt with skimmed milk
1 pear

Dinner: 5:45-6
1/2 cup to 1 cup of flavored rice
stir fry broccoli, pepper, onion, zucchini, carrot, half a chicken breast. Eat as many vegetables as you want. Then i usually add some soy sauce and teryaki sauce.
I put olive oil on the pan and rub it all over with paper towel to use less oil.

Remember not to drink your calories. Look at the calories in juice. Also avoid the chocolate chip cookies ^_^ lol my downfall.