Monday, November 29, 2010

Oh Monday how I loathe you.

I could so use a cuddle and a back rub right about now, I'm so crabby. My roommate said he likes when I smoke I'm not so irritable. My response ... I like me when I smoke too, it's cause I'm in pain and I haven't gotten laid and I have no patience..

This last week kicked my ass. Cut my knuckle open, I burnt my stomach with boiling water from the kettle (nice big burn mark too)the same day I did that my colleague slammed my hand into the drawer.. compared to the burn it didn't hurt so bad, had a cat climb up my leg, then I fell on ice and of course I was more concerned about my baby phats getting ruined then my injury. I think my pain threshold is getting higher .. time for a new tat or piercing I think haha.

I got a comment on one of my facebook pics from my Bestie Jason. I have a lot of Besties I'll tell u in a min. So he said "seriously liz, i cry sometimes when i tell your story cause i'm so proud of you:D you are gorgeous (and now I don't have to add that little disclaimer on the end like i used too:D)" The little disclaimer he's talking about ... "You're so pretty for a plus size girl" Now he doesn't have to say for a plus size girl. I'm almost out of the plus sizes YAY! I'm fortunate I hold my weight throughout my whole body. The rest of my family holds it all in their stomach and face unfortunately.

Ok so my Besties ... I'm the girl who has always had a lot of friends but these are some of my closest.

Jason - Gay bestie in Cali 11yrs (org cali)
Sarah- she was fun ;) 13yrs Utah (org Cali)
Vell- Carebear giver 11 or 12 yrs Japan (org cali)
Deb- Old boss/bestie I partied with 3.5 yrs (England)
Kirstyn- ex colleague 2yrs (Calgary)
Niki- ex colleague 2yrs (Calgary)
Jill- friend of a friend 6 mos (Calgary)

Was up at 4.30 td so I could get a workout in b4 work. Always an hr of cardio. If I could actually get my ass out of bed when my alarm goes off that would be awesome. I should set it for 3.30 and then maybe I'd get out of bed at the right time lol. Never used to hit snooze. I always end up working more hours then I'm paid. U know what, people need to stop messing up my shit. Of course I'm always really nice to them. It's been better since the last meeting we had but Mondays are always the worst cause I have 3 days worth of work to do in one day. I hate when they mess up my stuff and it doesn't balance. Seriously this next year is all about focus. I'm trying to get into personal training and to become a fitness manager. I talked to the regional td and he gave me some tips. He's freakin ripped. He asked who my trainer was cause we were talking about the party. I told him no trainer. The look on his face ... it was an awesome feeling. I told him it's taken me a while tho nearly a year and a half. He was like "that's still pretty solid tho." He teaches one of the courses so when I finally get some dosh I'll take it. He's coming to my party. I know half of my friends in Calgary will come.

If any of my readers who live in Calgary or Edmonton want to come u totally should. I know there are a few on here who are local. I'll post the details on here when I get them. It would be cool to meet u guys. Thank god for my stats report lol.

I'm in the process of makin dinner.. Baked chicken with rosemary and thyme, mashed potatoes and brussel sprouts. You know what I miss, cabbage and yorkshire pudding. I've had the weirdest cravings this week it's french toast and last week it's cheddar popcorn. I never eat either lol. Tho I tell ya I'll be making some french toast as soon as I remember to pick up cinnamon. If this is all random it's cause I decided to have some alcohol tn and now I'm drunk (cheap drunk). I rarely drink, usually every few weeks. Tho when Tim was around it was every time he was here. I was nervous. For some reason I get really nervous when I'm sleeping with someone new. I'm a spaz, I shouldn't even attempt to be sexy cause I'll just look like a tard. My roommate moves around the 15th of the month. I had a chick look at it yest and I have an aussie dude looking at it tn. Right now I'm in my roommates room, he's in the living room and he's working on getting a sander to do the floors in my room at the landlords request.

I was talking to my friend the other day who has fybromyalgia and she has memory loss too. It's called fybro fog. It fucking blows added with the memory loss from the added pain (apparently common). Now that I'm in the other room it's messed with my routine. I don't know where anything is. I dont know where my calendar is so I cant write the usual down.. who I've seen and what I've done. So I'm constantly confused and can't find things. If I can fix my memory I might apply to UofA next year to get a dietitian degree. We'll see.

My friends 30th was fun. Her brothers are hysterical. One was trying to make up an excuse to tell his wife so he can go to vegas lol. Orange shag.. that had me laughing for ages.I don't remember what I said to her parents (I hate meeting peoples parents). I know I talked to her dad about his ferrari's. I talked to random people I now need to ask who they were' Dude at my party seriously I'm gunna try and get name tags. It's so bad as soon as someone tells me their name I forget it. Sometimes I get all awkward trying to remember their name. Fortunately I knew some of these people before the memory loss.

Everyone keeps trying to get me to move home. I don't know why they bother. My dad was like "why did u have to move so close to the north pole?" I've thought about Maine,North Carolina, Hawaii, US Virgin Islands. Somewhere by the ocean. Eventually I need to be by the sea. Surfing and sailing ... on my bucket list with add to do's. Just taking it a day at a time.

Hahahaha oh so the other day my friend texts me "OMG BRAD JUST CALLED ME AND ORDERED A TAXI" she told me all the things she wished she could have said. Who knows if it was really him but she said it was from his apt complex 17th floor. I was like dude kill him with kindness. I'm not in the business of being mean to people. Haha she said by next year she'll have a list of guy's ass's to kick and Brad will be at the top. Ok I have to stop typing. I say exactly what's on my mind when I drink.

... Long pause...

OK so I think I just found my next roommie. Aussie guy was awesome. Talked for ages. Fingers crossed!!!!! Ok showing a house when ur drunk ... not so easy. Haha I think he knew but it's all good. He wants to take it, he said. Who wouldn't I'm awesome and the place from the inside is cool. Ok i'm so done with my blog tn I'm too drunk for this and spell check is getting complicated. PARTY WITH THE AUSSIE HELL FUCKING YEAH!!!

ps. I just reread this shit drunk and I don't know how u guys do it LOL.

Saturday, November 27, 2010


AHHHHH!! I hit 230 yesterday!!! About fucking time. My first goal is almost achieved 227. After that it's 213, my 100lb weightloss. Then 199. It's so close I can feel it 31 lbs. I was gunna have a little party at home but now it's turned into this big deal at work. Were gunna have a huge party invite all clubs from Calgary and my manager is trying to get a banner of me made up and hang it from the second floor in Superstore at Deerfoot meadows so everyone can see it and come to the party. Now I get this is for marketing but I don't even care. It serves a bigger purpose getting people to join the gym. It's about getting people into a healthier lifestyle. If I can do it anyone can.

I was in such a shitty mood when I woke up wed. I thought it would be a good idea to pof Tim and tell him how dumb he's being and to stop spazing cause I didn't ask him for anything and blah blah. The usual, pretty much. I wasn't even drunk, I don't even have an excuse. Anyway point is I was pissed wed cause he deleted it. I felt dumb for sending it anyway. I mean it's good that he read it but I'm not dumb. I'll never see him again. It's my own fault I was just a piece of ass. One and only time I've done that, tho I thoroughly enjoyed the time spent with him, now that it's done I feel cheap. So I wont be repeating this with anyone else. So to work off my mad I kicked my own ass at work 1hr 30min work out then a body flow class after work. Next day I took a combat class, I love that class, it's intense.

I've come to the conclusion that every guy I've ever slept with has turned out to be a total fucking prick. I'm totally holding out.. I haven't been with many people and Tim would be the last. I'm taking a break. I've been on a few dates since Tim and I felt nothin and I was bored. I had some really fucked up dates recently actually. Had to escape at the flames game. Felt hella bad and wanted to see the game cause it was my first time but I don't use people so I bailed. He hates me, but he shouldn't have been so pushy. First time I met the guy and he tried to stick his hand in my pocket to hold my hand. Fuck that, what a creeper. I told him we shoulda met first, I didn't even want to go with him. Follow gut instinct!! He's just mad cause I wasn't into him. He asked what I thought of him at the game (awkward) I told him he's not my type but I wouldn't mind being friends with him. Whatevs, u try and be nice and ur still a bitch so I don't care. I had a nice freezing cold walk home.

Honestly there aren't very many people I've had a spark with..

There was Bryan, who I never slept with. He loved me. I was 18 my mom is so embarrassing, we all went for lunch and she asked him if he loved me. He said he did and he used to tell me all the time. When I was leaving California he asked me not to go... said he'd stop doing drugs.. I didn't believe him so I left. I cried in my moms arms over that one. I tried to help him and get him to come up to Washington to finish school and start college. I promised him when I left I'd be back to visit in 6yrs. I pulled that number out of my ass. I came back after 4yrs tried to find him.. couldn't find him. Came back at 6yrs and by fate I ran into him. We spent some time together, he spent the last night I was there with me (still didn't sleep with him). I was really proud of him. He was doing good. Working full time, had his own place. I didn't find out until my last trip home when I couldn't find him that he was still using. It made me really sad. That drug is so hard to kick.

There was Brad. We didn't spend a lot of time together at all. For some delusional reason I liked him a lot. There was a spark, instantly at least for me. The last time I saw him it was perfect. My friends didn't think he was cute (pic) but I was totally attracted to him. I'm thinking about inviting him to my 100lb party. Doubt he'll come but he can bring his gf along. If I can deal with meeting my ex husbands gf I can deal with meeting Brad's.

Then there was Tim ... I called that one. To be honest other then the way he left he was good to me when he was here. I'll never forget that first kiss. His hand was on the side of my stomach, he kissed my shoulder (love, love love that, I get shivers), then my mouth. He was always so gentle with me. Brush my hair out of my face so gently so he could kiss me. I think he got spooked. I think he thought I wanted more. Which is true, but I wasn't asking for it yet. I still wanted to get to know him. He's actually very beautiful. He was the most masculine out of all of the guys I've ever dated. After Brad I decided I liked my men Tall with some meat on em and some muscles of course. I like masculine men, a lot! I like feeling small and girly and I like being the submissive one. Believe me I can dominate but I'd rather not.

Now I didn't have a spark for my ex husband, no instant attraction. I did love him tho. My friends tell me when I meet the one I'll know. Well I thought I knew before but I guess I was wrong. Relationships shouldn't be so complicated and right before I walked down the isle I hesitated. My friend said with the right one you wont hesitate. So if I have hesitation with any guy I date I should stop seeing them, cause I usually do? I have a fear of commitment ... I would however have taken it slow with Brad and Tim because I liked them. Jumping into a relationship would trip me out. Though if I'm seeing someone and I like them I'd want it to be exclusive.

Today's my gf's 30th. Should be fun. Oh it was Thanksgiving the other day. Called my g-ma and my aunt was there. She gave me a lecture about posting private things on FB. Child please ... I don't give a shit what people think, if they dont like it then they don't need to be on my facebook and no one is going to fire me over my fb status's. The career path I'm choosing is all about the pr. To be honest I'm not really close to my extended family. I've maybe seen them a little over a handfull of times in my life. They dont ever call to say whats up. Most of them are uptight and need to take a chill pill. If I can't talk freely to people who are my own blood it's pointless trying to make a relationship last. I'm not important to them. My grandma is good though. She checks up on me from time to time.

I talked to a family member the other day who keeps steadily gaining weight. It makes me want to cry especially since they had a gastric bypass almost died lost all the weight then gained it back. IT IS A SLOW SUICIDE .. YOU ARE KILLING YOURSELF .. OPEN YOUR EYES BECAUSE I LOVE YOU AND I WANT YOU TO LIVE A VERY LONG TIME.

Denial is a persons worst enemy.

My dad and my Trini gma called. She hasn't lost her Caribbean accent. They want to see me. Hoping to surprise my dad for his 50th. I'd like to see them. They were talking about coming to visit, but I wont bank on that. People aren't dependable.

Oh I forgot ... I met my physio this week. Took two hours to look at my spine and neck and to discuss injurys I've had to my spine. Was kinda embarrassing to admit to car surfing and injuring my tailbone she asked how in regards to the tailbone. Truth or dare lol. I was such a dumb ass. I will never car surf or run on ice again, I will also not jump into a pool that is starting to ice over and then proceed to get into the spa. However the dare to make my gay bestie run around the cold ass pool butt ass naked ... priceless. Anyway as I suspected my spine might be the cause of all of my problems. I've booked the next 3 apts with her already. This sounds promising. I also had a review at work and it went awesome.

Anyway I'm gunna go day dream about the last man who was in my life.. and then I'm gunna enjoy my day with friends. Have a great weekend everyone :)

Saturday, November 20, 2010

More pics

These are the pics from my photoshoot. They won't all fit on the last post so I'll give u somemore. I think I look gross in the black outfit but I'm gunna post it any way. Weight loss purposes right?!

Those jeans with the cat on the back ... MY GOAL JEANS!!! BABY PHAT YO!

Not Selling Myself Short

I deserve to be treated exactly how I would like to be treated. I won't sell myself short again. I will be holding out on sex in the future. I'm at a crossroads. I can be the girl who sleeps with whoever, whenever. I'm not like that though. As i've said before sex means something to me. I've made my profile on pof unsearchable. I just can't do it anymore right now. I hate when guys i'm interested in leave. Now I know it's not all me. I know that they have life goals and a certain path they want to take. I also get that they are just not that into me and we didn't click. See me, I give people I'm interested in a chance to get to know them. Sure there are annoying things they do, but I weigh out my options. Could I live with this behavior for the rest of my life? If I'm seeing a guy and I can't picture myself marrying them or having kids with them, I will not sleep with them. I'm not in a rush to get remarried or have kids. I wouldn't mind having my first child by the time I'm 30.

Fortunately for me I have a back up plan... it's called my sexy gay best friend. He gets all jealous when I talk about having babies and it's not his future baby I'm talking about. It's cute.

So I'm taking a break from men and throwing myself into getting healthy. More exercise more doctors stuff going on. I'm nervous, but they're really going to try and help me. It's gunna be a long slow process. Hopefully it makes a good impact on my life. As of Monday my friend and I are getting back into our routine. She's like you're my inspiration so you have to keep going. The lady from marketing messaged me back she said something along the lines of "WOW, This is incredable. We'll get in touch with you before we go ahead and use it in out PR" AHHHH! It's gunna be used!!! I'm going to be used to market. How fucking exciting is that?! I hope it's cool. I can't wait to see how it gets used.

Ok so everyone who knows me know's I'm funny. I make everyone laugh and I say and do dumb shit, sometimes on purpose. So we are at our work meeting last week and my manager tells everyone to take some M&M's but not too many. I pass the bag along and didn't take any. I say "I know how this shit works, I've seen the biggest loser" Everyone starts cracking up one of my friends even snorted "Elli ur too funny." Unfortunately I was forced to take one which lead to eating more M&M's then planned haha.

My friend at work, the one who said I was an inspiration. She says to me you just keep pushing through and fighting. Your weight loss and health my financial circumstances. I told her the only reason I do is because I have nothing else to live for other then myself. If I didn't have that I'd have nothing. So I keep on pushing through to make myself happy. Of course my life is shitty from an outsiders perspective. I had everything then I lost everything. Losing everything caused me to find me. My strength. If God can bring you to it he can bring you through it.

I want this tattooed down the back of my spine אֱלִישֶׁבַע it's my name in Hebrew. Elizabeth translated in Hebrew is Elisheva meaning "God's Promise". I know this because I was raised Jewish until I was about 8. I am god's promise... I will not sell myself short for anything less then I deserve. Time to get crackin.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Taking a break from dating

I can't figure out how to close my pof. So I'm taking a break from it. I just went out with this guy named Brad. Not Brad the original Brad the II as I call him. You can't beat the original. I totally bailed on the date and he took me to a flames game. I felt so bad. I warned him I'm kinda skiddish. I don't like to be pressured. He turned out to not even be my type. I only saw a side profile pic. It was just a fucked up situation. I'm done dating tho.

I either get creeps or douche bags. This dude was both. I'm not going into detail. I wish I could figure out how to delete my stupid account. I don't have the energy for these games.

I had my two hour doctors apt today. It was extensive. We spent about 45min going over my health history. Then the other hour and a half doing a physical and talking about options. The apt went over 2hrs. It wasn't a regular physical. They test my reflexes, they test my flexibility. They rub cotton on my skin and poke me with a safety pin. I had my eyes ears and mouth checked. Did u know they make a marijuana pill. That's what the dr said. I didn't know that, that's interesting. I may need injections. I have to see the physio therapist the psychologist the social worker and the kinseolgist. Then in the new year I'll see my doctor again and they can determine the treatment they want to proceed with. It's pretty much process of elimination when it comes to medicine and treatment. They wont be able to get rid of the pain they are just trying to minimize it. I have a bunch of classes I have to go to too.

All I want is someone who can chill the fuck out. No preasure but someone who suits me. Just chill and relax with. I'm not looking anymore. I need a break. I'm still kinda bummed about Tim. I always think about Brad the original, not being with him. Just how fucked up a situation that was and remembering the times I enjoyed. They all run through my mind. Tim and Shawn were by far the sweetest. Tim was more real tho. It wasn't awkward with him. He's such a dick. I haven't tried to talk to him. There isn't any point in tripping on him. I've wanted to text him good thing I deleted him. Brad the original, I wanted to talk to him too he's deleted but I remember his phone number. I figure I'll forget eventually. For some reason I'm his friend on MSN I don't even know how that happened. I mean he was on my msn but he wasn't a friend b4. Life is so weird.

My friend and her bf of 4yrs broke up today. It made me so sad. I cried a little. She asked me how I coped after my divorce. I told her I didn't eat for a week. I hardly slept and I read the twilight saga. Book 2 was such a bitch to read, it made it harder. I told her after I finished that book I realized I needed someone who really loves me in my life. I hope she'll be ok. I just want her to feel better. I feel other peoples pain when they are hurting. I just wish I could help.

Anyway I've been in agony the cold is killing me oh and get this something else is wrong with me the doctor cant remember what she called it but I get cold hands and feet. Something to do with poor circulation.

I'm going to eat the oatmeal my roommate is making me then I'm going to pass out.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

I can't do it anymore

These are the most recent photos of me taken today. I wanted to see what my body looks like. If you haven't noticed I'm not shy and I think if people can be in bikini photos then I can put a pic of me up in my bra and underwear for weightloss result purposes. So .. now to important things.

I can't do it anymore. I can't deal with the emotional turmoil. I deleted them ... All the pricks that have fucked and chucked me or ever ignored me from my phone. Jamie, Brad, Shawn, and Tim. I went through my facebook and deleted everyone that has added me and played games. They know my phone number if they want to talk. I'm done. I deleted some of the old cop friends I had in Okotoks who never bothered to stay in contact. I also deleted people who were once friends that have done me wrong. I still don't feel free tho.

My Father called today. I was actually getting annoyed cause it had been a few days and he said he would call me back that night. I almost texted him to be like "thanks for remembering me dad." However today he's like "sry, forgot to call u back." my response "yah, I know, I was gunna give you shit." anyway he was giving me a hard time about being disabled. Also for some other shit that I don't want to talk about on here. Whatever I told him I wish I could work full time. Believe me I miss my 2g a month salary. I miss being able to buy what I wanted when I wanted. Now I have to budget how much money goes for my basic needs to survive.

On a very great note I fit into an XL hoodie woohoo. I'm starting to fit into regular shit YAY! I got to hang out with the chick I've been spending time with. She's good to talk to. So as usual I've been hurting all day. Off to bed. Gotta be up early. Yay public transport (actually not too bad, just the idea of -15 and transit that gets me).

Saturday, November 6, 2010

"When it rains it pours and opens doors"

So my breaks cut out on me yesterday. I'm thanking god I made it home alive. My break line burst, my callipers are gone, break pads. Safe to say Scarlett is going to be sold for parts :( which is probably for the best seeing as my fuel gauge and speedometer are fucked. The whole electrical system is gone. I'd love to keep her and take her apart and rebuild her engine but lets face it I need the money and I don't know what the hell I'm doing. Fortunately I do have a few buddy's who know a thing or two about cars.

So I have a thing about sexy cars with sweet body kits. I saw my dream car yesterday and it was only 8g. Couldn't even tell u the make or model but I looked at her and I wanted her. She was this awesome blue color interior matched, bucket seats, right hand drive, manual with a sweet deck. *Drool I think I get my car thing from Johnny. He was this guy I hung out with when I was a teenager I used to go to the races with him and check out sweet cars. Before he got his license he had a car so he let me drive it around. Sweet tricked out Honda with a sweet sound system, always blastin techno and trance.

I'm trying not to be angry about my circumstances and to see the positive. When one door closes another one opens. I'm trying not to be pissed at Tim. I will not yell at him, I will not yell at him... So I keep telling myself. I really fucking hate when dudes do that. Just fucking stop talking to you. I think he knew I wanted more then a FB type thing. All he had to do was be honest. I really could use more guy friends. I miss hanging out with dudes. They make me laugh. Plus having straight guy friends give me opinions on other dudes is very much appreciated. Last night I soo wanted to message Tim but what did I do instead. I messaged Brad when I was drunk and said something along the lines of "You're now my man guru, I need advice?!" FUCK ME! Then I had the need to apologies "I'm sorry, I'm being dumb ignore that." Oh and I messaged Frank but he's pretty funny. He called me yesterday first time mind you. Call display didn't tell me it was him I was like who is this? You called me?! He's like I think I called u but now u have me second guessing myself. I was like who am I speaking to? He's like oh it's Frank. I just laughed. He's like u shouldn't ask so many questions right away it throws a person off. I was telling him about my theory of how if I don't click with someone we can be friends. He's like it's not really like that tho. I was like ur telling me. I try and stay someones friend and they just dont care. It's ok men are dumb (didn't say that to him).

Why is it when we know the answer to something we need to get everyone elses opinion on it? Why can't we just admit the truth to ourselves. I was upset after Tim left last time cause It felt like it was the last time I was going to see him and oh guess what so far it has been.

Ok tell me why, when a man pays interest to us women, we automatically think we like him? When the truth is we don't even know him and he's probably annoying as fuck? Lets face it sex means nothing these days. IT SHOULD THO!!!! Just because u sleep with someone it's not a reason to justify your feelings.

I always worry when they leave that it was because I wasn't good enough. That I'm not pretty enough. That they saw me naked and thought I looked gross. When I look at myself naked, I don't think I look beautiful. When I leave my house in my sweats with no makeup on and hair in a crazy bun I'm vulnerable, I don't want people looking at me or talking to me. When I leave my house dressed up, I feel confident and I want people to talk to me. Tho I hate when a dude who I have no interest in talks to me. I think I'm kinda of a bitch then. I really hate drunk annoying people when I'm sober.

I got a call back from the regional marketing director. She's sending some info off to the personal training marketing group. The CEO also responded to my email. He e-mailed the VP of marketing. I was so excited yesterday. I really want to make a difference. Yesterday I was talking to a woman who works out at the gym, she has a personal trainer and I asked how it was going and how much weight she's lost. I told her about the weight I lost and she said she had heard. Her trainer told her and she said to her client she couldn't believe I did it on my own. I told her I have two disabilities I don't want my weight to be a third and hold me back anymore. If you can dream it you can achieve it.

I will be going back to Body Combat again. I've already talked to my Manager about switching up my hours. So here is the goal. MON, TUE WED, cardio in the morning I do a min of an hr Cardio and some weight training. WED afternoon is Body Flow (yoga, thai chi, and pilates) THUR is BODY COMBAT (MMA) and FRI is Pilates. If I'm not hurting too bad I'll try and get more of a cardio workout in in the mornings on WED, FRI. I know I'm building more core strength. When I bend over on the sides of my stomach u can see where It's supposed to be. I get all hyped up when I notice my body changing. I mean other people notice but it's harder when U look at yourself to notice. Pictures help me out a lot. I'm working on strengthening my arms as well. Pull ups, push ups. I know my core is stronger because I can hold myself up on the machine where u bring your knees to your chest. The new way I learned to do push ups is going to help a lot. Try a crocodile push up... crazy stuff.

It feels good to be shrinking into smaller sizes tho my wallet can't afford to upgrade my clothes. I have to tell u how annoying it is to work out in loose clothes. It's time for some new stuff. My new routine wont start this next week, but I'm hoping the week after. This week I have doctors appointments and what not. I will still be working out tho just not on my routine that I want. OMG i saw the cutest shoes at walmart I want them. Fuck this stupid chick obsession with shoes. It's so dumb lol.

Anyway, I'm going to try and nurse this hangover before I try and figure out public transport lol. Fuck I'm so gunna get lost lol. If I told u about my public transport stories in England then u'd know. Stupid trains!

Hope you all have a great weekend!

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Thanking God

When things are going so bad I just have to thank god that they aren't any worse. I lost my necklace. I've had that necklace since '01 it's religion in unity. I'm gutted.

My roommate is moving to BC in a month and a half for school. I have no idea what I'm going to do. I can't afford to take over his deposit and he's good with letting me pay him half the rent each pay check (cheque).

I got pulled over today. Apparently my reg is expired. That wasn't my only problem but she was awesome and let me off. The thing I've learned with cops is that you just need to be honest. It's bullshitting that gets u in trouble ... you know what?! I was pulled over November '03 too and I was let off then too. That cop he was cool too. I was a pathetic mess.

I'm a firm believer in telling the truth. I hate lying. I hate liars. If I don't want to answer a question I will either say it's none of ur concern or divert the question. Tho usualy I'll answer, I don't have secrets I'm an open book. I'll tell u anything u want to know.

So for more upbeat news ... I contacted the regional marketing director for the west coast (lady I met the day I got to speak in front of everyone) and she's gunna let me be a part of their advertising. Don't know what that entails. My club uses me to sell. Someone wants to loose weight they have me meet them so I can tell them my story. Or they tell them about me. We actually are putting up pictures of me up in the club. Before, mid point, now and then progress pics. Which I think is pretty cool. I actually like telling them, they always ask how I did it. I laugh every time ... diet and exercise... who knew haha.

I'm trying to unwind. Cotton mouth and cornbread, not the smartest combo haha.

So my medical treatment starts next week. I have a seminar next week. The week after I have a two hour doctors apt. The week after that I have a 2 hour physio appointment. Then Dec 23 I have a Psychology appointment. Their going to help me cope with being sick, I'm having a hard time with acceptance. I go through the grieving stages over and over; my mom is a therapist and if ur from Cali u've probably had a therapist or you should get one LOL! I actually hate therapists no offense to anyone just my personal preference. I'd tell u why my mom put me in therapy when I was 8 but it's so dumb and it only half worked. I always take the piss.

I wonder what this weekend has in store for me. Who knows but I sure do hope it's a good one.

I have to head to bed. Another early start tomorrow. Tho I'm working early so I can go to the combat class. I was watching this instructors baby in child minding. She's so gunna kick my ass. She's lucky I'm going hahaha. I keep seeing the babies get bigger and bigger. The kids I used to watch run up to me and give me big hugs. Some of the moms are surprised because their kids are usually very apprehensive with other people. I'm great with kids. Adults piss me off tho. You should hear the story about what the hot dude did on saturday. I was this close to, well if u know me when I talk very calmly and slow with an evil look on my that means i'm pissed. People never fuck with me when I have that pissed face. Oh brad did once haha he's lucky.

So I was sitting on Tim I think and he's got a bit of an aggressive side. He likes to start shit with people. Men and their egos hey? Doesn't help that he's a leo. Leo Leo combo that can't be good. So I was telling him about me taking boxing and self defense and some other stuff so he fakes smacks me around. I wasn't even expecting that. It wasn't rough or anything I was just kinda surprised I think I may have had a quick pause to process it and decided I wouldn't have to kick his ass lol. Something tells me he could take me.

I still think about Brad... I think about Bryan sometimes. I was so sad when I went back home and couldn't find him. It was even harder to hear that he lied to me the year before and he hadn't gotten clean. Drugs have taken over. When I lived there I had someone try and sell to me at a red light. I politely declined "I don't buy drugs from strangers" LOL. Anyway Bryan was important to me so like Brad I check up on him. Hard to stay in contact with an addict tho. He did for a good few months after I saw him last.

I tried to text my biological father yesterday. I don't think I've spoken to him since Fathers Day and he was supposed to call me back. I wish I was more important to him. I haven't seen him in like 12 or 13 years. Funny tho, I've never had a problem with talking openly with him. Apparently my brother gave him shit when he found out I was bi. Whatever I'm sure he's gotten over it by now.

Ok off to sleep, enough randomness for tonight. Can u tell my mind just goes one thing to the next?