Wednesday, November 30, 2011

ahh 2 many things

Too many things going on at once. I have a short attention span so I'm losing my mind. My thoughts are so unorganized. I'm all over the place... here's whats going on.

School- So since I'm disabled, when I filled out my loan they obviously ask. The school provides assisted services to the disabled. So I've been trying to deal with that. Turns out I shoulda talked to the dude at the University before filling out my loan... SHIT! I fucked shit up on my loan that I didn't know about. So now with all the documents from the school and another loan application filled out. Hopefully It gets approved in a timely manner. The disability is actually a grant not on my loan. I think up to 2g towards tuition and 8g towards supplies.

So here are the services the disability resource centre requested for me. If approved I will have a note taker, echo smartpen (cool shit, google it) and 25% extra testing time in the testing lab not in class. Based on how I'm doing the testing time can be changed. This is kinda a test run for the disability resources, It may be modified for Fall semseter. They go through a lot of questions in relation to your health and how it's currently affecting you. None of the assistance given to you shows up on your transcripts. It's all private. Obv theres a lot more to it then that. So I was running around all  over campus today, no idea where I was going. Pretty sure I stopped in every other building for directions haha. I needed to pull a Joey and get into the map (friends reference). Anyway there's a lot more too it then that and I've been running around trying to take care of everything. School without supplies or books $5,500 for 3 classes.*gulp ... 7-9 years to go... shit son.

Sleep group- One of the classes I'm taking at the chronic pain centre (my specialists). It's to better improve your sleep. Man, I have to change so many of my habits. Cant smoke, drink, caffeine. Can't be in bed for more then 15min, if u cant sleep you get back up.  If you're having sex it's cool (I obv didnt ask that) but those are the only times you're allowed to be in bed.. I do everything in bed. It's more comfortable then the couch.. We talk about the medications we're on and our current routine we're on. This is an 5 wk course. I have a sleep diary to track my sleep. I let everyone know weed helps with chronic pain and sleep issues. One of the other pills I'm on is a weed substitute, for instance If I go abroad and dont have weed, this should tide me over. It's called Nabilone. Changing my sleep habbits are going to cause more pain for a few months, based on the techniques they want you to use... better spare my friends I'll be a bitch and to stay away lol. Na they usually know when I'm in pain.

I start relaxation group tomorrow.

My mom- had surgery a cpl weeks ago. So I've been dealing with her over the phone while she's all f'd on pain killers. FYI people say some f'd up shit when they are on pills. Another FYI, if you talk to me after I take my sleeping pills anytime before I wake up. I wont remember a thing. Conversations, what I did. I mean it's like that during the day but it's kinda like I black out and I'm on auto pilot. I've been on these pills since I lived in England. Long time, when I first got diagnosed.

My friends have so much drama going on they stress me out. WHY AM I THE GO TO PERSON?! I may be a psycho but everyone comes to me for advice and I never take theirs... sometimes I wish I did.

Therapy- So I had a breakthrough with my therapist. If you know me, I keep my past vague. I hate talking about it. I'll tell you everything but what you need to know lol. Last time she asked if I'd be willing to discuss it with her the next time I saw her. After that apt I rescheduled one because Ben spent the night with me and I'd be damned if I left him in my house unattended (shoulda saw that as a red flag). Second time I f'd it up I was looking at December instead of November. FUCK! So I finally saw her a month later. I try and go every two weeks. I layed it out for her. Was pretty much in tears the whole session. Finally gave her a hug. For a second there she kinda asked if I needed sex addiction therapy. Bahahaha, I was like I've only slept with 10 people. She's like, Ever? I was like yah ( "I was like", I'm such a valley girl, it's annoying) She's like you were faithful your whole marriage. I was like, yah. She seemed relieved hahaha.

So in discussing my past I explained to her the sexual things that happened. It's fucked. How many 7yr olds do you know that have told their parents they're a lesbian? There's a reason I said that but that's besides the point. The physical abuse I faced, the drugs. My sister, her father, my father, my siblings and foster siblings.  My failed marriage and getting sick in my marriage. Moving country to country. Being diagnosed at 22. Moving again and getting sick again. Having been married to a cop and now I date criminals... wtf is that? It's not on purpose. Apparently criminals are hot...

She now has a full picture of why I am the way I am. I get told what a kind gentle loving person I am from her all the time. Just the day before I was on my way to my physio apt and I saw a little old lady struggling to carry a box. So I took it off her hands and walked her to where she needed to go. It's called manners.

Anyway my therapist and I are going to work on my attachment issues and letting people go. Apparently the lack of care and abuse from my primary care giver, has unknowingly caused me to let people hurt me and keep them around because that's all I know. Because that's what it was like with my family. They hurt me and I had to be there. I also dont let people go, because I feel the need to let them know I care and love them as a person and they arent alone. I do it in a psycho way sometimes (working on that). Why I keep Ben in my life. I feel like he's all alone so I want to be there for him but at my expense because all he does is hurt me. Same with my marriage. I couldn't walk away, I wanted to, but he had to be the one to do it. Anyway, my homework is to make a red flag chart. So I can refer to my list, If they fit any of my red flag criteria, cut em loose. One for friends the other for relationships.

Physio- We went over some workouts I do in the gym to make sure I'm not causing any more pain on accident. Turns out I'm awesome, duh didnt u know? :P We did some balance board work. Squats on the balance board. Ouch thighs were sore for sure. Then just my regular physio homework to continue. I was talking to her about primatology she got all excited and told me to read this one book.

Other doctors, they upd my meds, as usual. I'm hoping to come off the sleeping one eventually.

Ben- Still in Jail. He's supposed to have court on Fri but he's being a fucking douche. Fuck his face. I'm tired of him saying he gives a shit but not even making the effort. You want your cat back? I want my $300 and the cost to look after Tobi the cat. As far as I'm concerned he left her here for me to take care of. Now I love her so he cant have her back. I wouldn't be surprised if he stays in Jail for all the shit he's done. The ex friend he slept with and then made his gf  for only 2wks has been contacting me updating me. She gave up on him now after what he did to her. Serves both of them right. I'm still not taking her back. YOU DO NOT FUCK SOMEONE I HAVE SLEPT WITH!!!! Had he not been such a shit head, I probably woulda punched her in the face. She said shes glad the drama has been going on cause she gets to talk to me and she doesnt know what she's going to do when it stops. Cause I wont be talking to her anymore. She sacrafised a lot to be a fucktard and fuck the guy I was sleeping with... I fucking warned her how he was and guess what. He never hit me out of anger, but her.... Anyway, fuck face doesnt give a shit so I'm keeping the cat and not going to visit him in jail. Not like he gives a fuck. He said he was gunna climb my balcony. I'll take the bat to his face. Trust me, I got one after all this shit went down. Fuck em all and that situation. When he stops calling me from jail, that would be nice. I'd block it but i told u how I feel like I have to be there for everyone... he'll stop soon, cause he doesn't give a fuck.

My brother (adopted/foster) is spiraling down hill. He had a suicide attempt a few years ago so I worry about him. He has a son now. He was in school, my nephew was sorted. He was having problems with his woman. He went back for a funeral for his biological grandmother. Now he's thinking about moving to PA, picking them up and going. Wth? He dropped out of school, got a job then lost it... Please please please dont relapse. I love him so much.

My sister, still with her bf in their place. They're doin alright. I don't worry too much about her unless my mom calls me to fill me in on her situation. If I have money, I'll send it. When I first got started I needed help. I know what its like. Glad when  I can help.

I really wish my friends understood my illness better. It's frustrating, I cant do everything everyone else can. Sometimes they don't understand my limitations. It's rare when someone tells me I don't make the effort. I do the best I can, like I said to her. You cant accept me for me, you can walk. I don't get attached to friends easily. All I've done my whole life. Pick up and leave everyone else behind.

The single life- message after message from guys with washboard stomachs and hot faces asking me if I want to hook up. I NEED A FUCKING DATE!! This may be one of the only times I say this but... FUCK SEX! Tired of guys thinking that's all I'm good for. Piss off u fucking twats (acceptable to say in the uk, also cunt in Oz lol). Yes I have long blonde hair, big boobs and a huge ass... but seriously. I try and think of guys as horny dogs. It makes me cut them a little more slack. Whatever. I stay logged on and walk away. I get more messages that way haha. Honestly I'm hoping to meet someone on campus. If not whatevs. Too busy rn. So exhausted. I'm contemplating bed at 7pm.

I'm trying to get my workouts goin. I've done jack the majority of the yr in regards to losing weight.

Well, that's my life right now.

Thursday, November 24, 2011

U of C

Ok, I am so excited to start school. I'm also nervous. I keep thinking, what if I invest all of this money and I cant hack it. What if I wont be able to work full time? Or in the field. I really want to work in the field and travel. Obviously not thinking about what if I had a family when getting into field work. I figure I shouldn't factor that into my career choice, cause who the hell knows if it'll ever happen. What if the career I'm choosing is the wrong one? I keep thinking, once I get started I may not actually have room for someone in my life. School/ Dr's apts/ gym/ medical classes/ friends/ r&r so I don't get sicker.

I've decided who the hell cares. I cant spend my life doing nothing. I hate having nothing to look forward to. The days are so long. Life is boring and I'm wasting precious days I'll never see again.

Tim, looks like he toned up. Nice pecs bud. So I've rated my guys and Tim for sure takes the number 1 spot. 2 is Troy... After2 I cant decide who gets what lol. Tim is 1 cause he's good in bed, good personality, super hot. Plus I think about him the most I think.

I'm about to talk about embarrassing sex stuff so stop reading if u don't want to hear.

I wish I had the opportunity to give Tim a better blow job. Dont laugh at me. I'm not gunna lie, I never really did them before so when I tried I felt like I was doing a shit job and didn't want to do it. Also 69 really distracting. Hard to concentrate on getting you off when all I want to do is enjoy the pleasure. I have now perfected my blowjobs lol. Ok I didn't perfect it, It's not like I went around giving free blow jobs. I also don't give head to all the guys I'm seeing. Only if they're special. I just decided to speak up with someone I was seeing. "Dude, I think I suck at blow jobs, and I don't want to do a bad job and look dumber then I already do." Turned out when I put my mind to it I'm awesome.

Most embarrassing sexual moment... prepare to be slightly grossed out... you know how I have a bad memory right? So i sit to go pee after sex and the tampon box was right in front of me... Oh shit, did I have a tampon in? He would have noticed right? That would explains why it was painful, I just thought I needed more lube... He laughed so hard. How did he not notice? My friends thought it was hilarious. I got some jokes for sure. It's like sliding a hot dog down the hallway. Fuck you guys ok. I know I feel good. Every guy, guaranteed has said how good I feel. I'm in the bathroom trying to see if it's all up in there. Turns out it was. They were like wish we could help and laughed.  I seriously thought I was going to have to go to the hospital to get it removed.  Thank god I got it eventually. I'm a fucking retard.

Troy... bah. It was great to see him. I know that it's pure lust every time I see him. I also know he's not meant to be mine. I didnt sleep with him last time and honestly I dont know If I would again. I'll take some of his cuddles tho for sure.

Got my 6mo STI results back... all clear. I dont make a habit of having unsafe sex. Troy was the last one and it was 6mo's ago. Oh and when I tell you how many guys I've slept with or that I'm not into my male roommate... Trust me, I'm not every other girl. I don't play the field. I don't fuck guy after guy. I turn down hot guys all the time. Oh and I just hate living with chicks. I always want to punch them for being retarded and jacking my shit. I much rather chill, play video games and drink and burn one then paint nails, play fashion show (they really do it, and I hate when the force me to play) and go shopping. Go slip ur heels on while I put on my sk8r shoes... I look cool and I'm comfortable. I wont lie, I have a couple pairs of heels that I whip out when I wanna dress up jeans or wear a dress. Doesn't happen often. Put on a suit and I'll put on a dress. How bout that.

The world is so fucked up. Sometimes it all feels like a bad dream. I dont seem to realize how shitty it is till I'm baked and analyzing life.

Ben is in Jail... probably better off for him and everyone else if he stays there. At the same time I feel bad. I had nothing to do with any of it to be honest. He also has a drug problem, hard to be around that and stay clean. I avoid being around that cause when i'm drunk there's no willpower. I just want to party hard.

I hit on the telus guy fixing my internet cause he was cute, we exchanged numbers and fb... 3am rolls around and buddy tries to hit me up for a booty call. FOR FUCKS SAKES! Of course I shot him down, I was pissed. Wake my ass up at 3am when I don't know you. Ass hole.

After Tim everyone else was pretty dumb. With ridiculous drama in their life. Raising my standards again for sure. Tired of all the losers around. Same with shitty friends. I know I get obsessive over guys and it doesn't appear that I have the ability to cut people out of my life... when I've emotionally detached I'm done. I told Ben to leave me the fuck alone. He didn't. I now understand why I might be perceived as a creepy psycho. Cause I was acting like it for sure before. I grow this un healthy attachment to some guys. I actually feel bad at the same time I still think they're a holes. I've learned, I don't get attached if I don't sleep with them. So, don't sleep with them.

Now that I have guy friends I understand what they want. It helps for sure. Act cool and they always come back. They lose interest when I show I like them. Guess my personality changes. I go from being this cool chick to this needy bitch. That's not me. I do what I want when I want and I sure as hell don't need you.

Dear god, please help me .... with everything... I need direction.

All I keep thinking about is how much I need a vacation and how I'm terrible with budgeting money. I should take a class or something. This is what happens when you were raised by a shopaholic impulse buyer. I really need to go somewhere tropical. I'm hoping I can find a part time job. So I can save to go away for a few weeks next summer. So much I want and so little funds. Car, breast lift, Vacation, Uni.

I have a new cat, her name is Toby. She was Bens.. long story. Completely opposite of Cali.

I really hope my student loan is approved. I just applied for a cc too. I just want to get the ball rolling on my life. Between living in several countries, getting married, getting divorced, getting sick... my life has been at a standstill minus all the drama.

I don't know why I take the weight of the world on my shoulders. If I cut out the drama (men and shitty friends), my life  is pretty simple. I was thinking that, how I like living a simple life. How I'm most content being in nature. Meditation.

I hope I can get involved in some student activities, make new friends, get new hobbies.

Time to start a new path...

Sunday, November 13, 2011

Subscribed readers

Hey if you guys read my blog and are followers please subscribe yourself to my list. It's nice to know my readers. I know I have a few of you that follow my posts. Top right hand corner ^_^  you may all think I'm crazy but I appreciate you reading LOL.

On the plus side to drama drama drama I lost 6lbs due to stress this week. Dont worry I have been eating, just not too much because it's been hard to keep anything down. You shoulda seen me shaking yest. What a mess. Stupid central nervous system problems lol.

Troy was a no show, surprise surprise.

My best friends, childhood best friend had a baby so we're going to the baby shower today. I always wonder what the father looks like when you meet a single parent mom and her child. I wonder what they'll grow up to look like. I couldnt imagine having a child in my early 20's. She's fortunate to have her families support.

My cousin in NJ her best friend died yesterday of a drug overdose. May he rest in peace. His gf also her best friend is expecting her first child, please pray for her. I can only imagine. Sobriety is a daily struggle for people with addictions, no matter how long you've been clean.

I'm doin ok, I've put a guard up right now. Pretty emotionless in regards to everything. Meh, life goes on.

This too shall pass

גם זה יעבור‎‎ (hebrew)