Friday, October 19, 2007


Well it's Friday thankfully. I feel worn out this week it doesn't help that I'm obsessed with reading. I stayed up past midnight several times to read this week. Again my back is killing me and i have an hour and a half left at work. So for lunch i originally brought boiled rice seeing as i didn't have enough change to buy anything from the sandwich van that stops by work. Also i was too tired to make anything this morning so i ended up with the left over rice from last nights dinner. It wasn't brilliant to say the least. I scrounged up enough change to get some chips (crisps to those in the UK) and a banana so i have to say rice a banana and chips is one of the more interesting meals i have had and definitely not my favorite. I also have a sore throat lucky me lets hope it goes away before i get sick.

I'm craving sweets boy would i love a cheesecake or some chocolate chip cookies right now. I also would love a Cosmo god i love those things. I think we are starting to see why I'm fat. I wonder what I'm having for dinner. Do you ever cook your meal and start planning exactly what your going to have for your other meals before you even need to? I do all the time it makes me crazy. I hate arguing with people over food and it embarrasses me. Do you constantly think people are staring at you WHICH THEY USUALLY ARE ITS RUDE; DO I STARE AT YOU BECAUSE I THINK YOUR CALVES OR FAT OR YOU HAVE A CROOKED NOSE OR THAT HORRIBLE FAKE TAN YOU WEAR WE CAN TELL YOU LOOK ORANGE! Any way I'll stop with the tangent. It's like last weekend I'm wearing my gym clothes because believe it or not i went to the gym only for 16 minuets though, i know it's pathetic but my knee is killing me and i just didn't feel up for it. So I'm wearing my gym clothes and i go into a coffee shop to get something and some guy is staring at me. I was gonna shout hey buddy do you mind! Granted I was in line for a brownie and a hot chocolate, but he certainly didn't know that. I know you can see my roll of fat which here in England is referred to as an apron. Don't they realise insults and staring make you feel worse and drive you to want comfort. Comfort in which you can only find in food.

I often find myself sad and wanting to eat to make me feel better unconsciously obviously (well most of the time anyway). So I stuff myself until I'm sick literally. I believe that is called binging and purging. I will admit it I am a fat person with an eating disorder. I over indulge and I comfort eat I also Occasionally Binge and Purge.

I keep thinking when I loose all the weight if i don't look the way I want to what will I do? Cosmetically I mean. I'd like an ass lift, a breast lift well possibly implants. I know i want lipo they say that the fat cells only shrink they don't go away and I want them permanently removed! I keep picking out other flaws too i don't like the skin on my face should i get a facial peel? My nose droops just a little should i have that snipped a bit. Lets face it If your pretty and intelligent you will get every where in life. If your fat and smart all people see is the outside not the woman within. They see a fat slob. Well guess what I'm only occasionally a slob just like everyone else (except those people with OCD who have to clean constantly).