Sunday, January 24, 2010

Remembering to stay up to date

So I have loads of free time on my hands. When I'm not sleeping lol. The MRI has been booked for the end of feb which is great. Next Neurologist appointment is mid March I think st patty's day, maybe lol. So oddly enough last post I said I wanted to meet my ex's gf. Well there I am at blockbusters just paying for my movies and who do I notice across the room only because of his shoes lol (we never got that far in the clothes lessons, however we may have mastered socks with sandals) :P. Anyhow I go over and say hi, he told me his gf was there so I got the opportunity to meet her. She seems like a very nice woman, very outgoing like I am. I mean I knew she had to be nice. She's beautiful too. I'm very happy for them both. Just heard this quote on an MSN dating thing "Dating means never having to negotiate" It was written by a man but i think us ladies should apply some of these philosophies. Why do men get to run the show?

I don't understand the whole dating thing. I missed out on a lot of fundamental information having been the fat chick in high school with Muslim parents who was retarded when it comes to appearance (still working on that one lol). I call my frumpy days my celebrity in disguise look haha. Most days are celebrity in disguise day. Then getting married at a young age (by choice not by religion). Point of this story is I am retarded for not looking after my best interests and denial should not be an option. Lesson also learned date someone before you sleep with them. I'm an idiot. However Shit Happens.

I think last night/early this morning I found something I haven't found in a while. Despite how poorly I feel. Anyway what I found was ME lol. I felt creative this morning and happy. I wanted to draw and sing and dance. I wanted to go to the gym and quit smoking. I only smoked 3/4 of a cigarette today. Craving one right now lol. Went to the gym for a little bit. Tried to dance to a song at home but got tired. In fact I'm exhausted right now. Just taking it as it comes. I might try and draw if I'm feeling OK. My driving has been awful since I've been sick. I'm going to have to stop myself from driving. That sucks.

I'm trying to get back on track for my weight loss. Falling off the wagon sucks. Fortunately I have been monitoring my weight closely so i don't gain much. I want to be more active though and I forgot lol. I want to start having fun. I want to let loose a little bit. I want to feel better. I want to hike, bike, skate, rock climb, zip line; that would be fun if i can concur my fear of heights. Camp, river raft, tubing, sailing, the list goes on and on. I'm way off target for my weight loss by about 25 pounds. I'm hoping i can make it up with the exercise. I need some meditation. Some rain and inscents. I might try and take some of the classes offered at the gym while i'm not working. On days that i feel half decent. The pain meds aren't helping :(. I feel like a test subject. Well anyway that's my exciting adventures of my life in the last few days haha. Oh and I talked to my friend from Japan. That was nice he still has to call me back.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

The New Year

So it's a new year. Thank fuck for that right ?? My BFF just came to visit. He's gone now and I miss him already. My other BFF called me from Japan and I missed it, gutted.

I realize that I've lost myself. I come across as very confident. I also realize I'm socially awkward, when I walk in somewhere on my own. I've lost the creative side to me; creating art and music. The last few years have taken a bit of a toll on me, I think. I also realize my Ex is a very nice person and I'm glad he's happy with his gf, I hope that at some point I get the opportunity to meet her. Divorce will be final soon which is good. I do hope we stay friends because good people don't come around often enough. I decided I was just going to be me and people can take me or leave me. I would rather be loved for me, so I can be the goofy nut that I am haha.

There is this guy I like. First time I've had feelings like this since I was 18. Kinda scary. I hope I get the opportunity to get to know him better. I get butterflies or aka anxiety lol. I wish I had the ability to read minds. That would be a usefull skill. If not maybe we'll be friends. I have a feeling he's been messed around by some fucked up chick. Hope he lets me in if that is the case.

Weightloss I'm getting back on track. I would like to start getting a gym routine. Maybe take some exercise classes. I miss boxing for real, but I need a boxing partner to use the boxing eqt at the gym. Really would like to learn how to board next winter. I'm still sick :( I have to get an MRI now and I'm on anti epeleptic medication. With a whole bunch of other meds. Hopefully we can find something to make it better. I miss my reg pay cheques. I want to buy stuff lol, being broke puts a cramp on it.

Well that's all I've got today. Thinking it is time for bed.