Saturday, September 10, 2011

Letting go...

I dreampt about Tim. We had this long conversation. I dont think I've ever dreampt about him.

I have to let him go. It's been a year next month. What I dont understand is why he doesnt block me. Why does he still read the messages I send him?

I was talking to my mom about it. She knows about all the guys I've slept with. I was telling her all I want to do is let him go but I dont know how. Every time I start something new with someone I think about Tim. I dont understand why I liked him so much. That morning he woke up with me.. I wish for that a lot. I also wish it never happened. If I didn't like him before then I liked him after that.

I just want to be able to wake up to someone roll over and snuggle. I just wanna feel loved. I feel so lost. I've been single for 2.5yrs now. It makes me feel like something is wrong with me.

I really hope things go the way I want them to when I head over to UofC this week. I haven't been able to move forward with my life. Thats all I want. To feel like I'm achieving something.

Here is my goal. I'd like to go back to school. I'd like to get a gym membership again. I'd like to volunteer my time at an old folks home as a companion and read to them or play a board game. Something to feel like I'm helping someone and making a difference in this world. I see little old people wandering around all the time struggiling by themselves. It would be nice if they had someone to count on. Fuck their useless family members who dont care about them.

If I lose a lot more weight by next summer, I'd like to get a breast lift and reduction. I'm aiming for a solid C cup. E to a C i dont think thats too bad. Obviously as long its proportionate for my body.

Flights back home are 337 right now. I wanna book a trip. I need to invest in some new clothes. I'll be damned if a man has a better fashion sense then I do. Stupid lulus.

I've seen Ben 5x in the last week. I think thats pretty good. Knowing my luck, I doubt he wants anything. I dont know if he is who he says he is either. I'll give him the benefit of the doubt because I dont know him. I'm getting a colective opinion and my girls dont think he is. My friends have met him already. Niki, Kirstyn and Mara. They all get along with him. I asked my bestfriend what she thought. She said he's not boyfriend material. I was like why because I shouldnt date him or because you dont think he'll want to be. She said both. Shes probably right. He doesn't give off the boyfriend vibe. Probably just end up as someone else I've slept with. Nothin special... I dont want to waste my time with fuck buddys anymore. He doesnt kiss like I do, he's aggresive. He can be really gentle too. I dont know, it turns me on just thinking about him. Which doesnt happen often.... Grr, ok next time I see him I'm gunna see if he wants to do something other then hang at my place and that will be the verdict. He held my hand in front of my friend. Doubt it means anything but it really made me happy.

He was giving me shit for not working. I guess next time he says hows job hunting going I'll have to say I'm not looking for a job. He wont understand. I wont tell him about Aish or my disability unless he's sticking around.

It's my bestfriends 21st this weekend. The one person who loves me unconditionally. I've been up pretty late the last two weekend. I'm knackered.

I just dont care anymore....