Wednesday, December 21, 2011


Today is the day her family has the service in Flin Flon.

I'm like 10x more fucked up then normal... I'm all over the place more then normal.

I saw my therapist yesterday. Thank fuck for that. She has a way of making me feel a lot better.

She couldn't believe everything we had done to arrange last minute. She asked if it feels like she's gone and I told her no. She asked how I was coping. I told her I suppress my emotions and it bites me in the ass later for not dealing with my issues right away. I told her I was angry with my friends for their lack of support. I told her I've come to the conclusion that they aren't as mature as I thought they were. When I needed them the most they weren't there.

Niki was the most supportive. She's listen to my plans for Carrie and the memorial. Kirstyn was like dont use my camera to take a picture of her. I got so mad. Like I'd leave pictures of her on her camera. Then she thought it was weird that we were picking out her clothes, nail polish and that we had gotten her underwear. It just didn't seem right that she wasn't properly clothed. I dont know. It all seemed like a bad dream.

I'm meeting with someone tomorrow to volunteer my time to go out on outings and look after other disabled people. 2-4hr commitment a week. I think it'll be good for me. I need to be around different kinds of people.

I'm looking forward to meeting new people at school. People who actually have similar interests to me. I don't like the clubs and I don't like sitting around wasting life, doing nothing. Especially when I have a good day and I'm not in any pain.

I haven't been smoking a lot of weed. I'm broke ass. The weed pills they prescribed me help. Thank god. It's a good thing really. Need to have a clear head for school and I don't like being intoxicated all the time. Though I gotta tell u when I'm irritable and in pain it sure does make me feel good.

Nick, hasn't really been the same since I told him I didn't want anything but friendship. 

I'm glad I'm volunteering and starting school. Dear god please please please let me get my loan approval, my card from my g-ma and my new credit card asap. Also, please help Carries family and Dustin. I know how hard all of this has been on me, I can only imagine how her family must feel.

I got in a big fight with Kirstyn and Taylor yesterday.

I love when people try to say things and throw things in my face. It doesn't phase me, don't you know the reason I have no secrets... because you have no ammo to use against me. He went off on me because he's homeless and the money he does have he wants to come over and drink. Seeing how insensitive he was I dont want him around me and he needs to get his shit straight. Why would I want a homeless person in my house who isn't doing the right thing?

I mean my gf is staying with me on my couch. But she works full time, she contributes towards things, and really just because she doesnt have her own place doesnt make her homeless. Taylor took advantage of my generosity.

Kirstyn and I got in a fight because she wasnt there for me last week. Then we made plans for today then she tried to push me back to Thursday. I was like really? REALLY!!! I hate when people make plans and double book themselves and I hate not being important enough for her to make time for me.

Like seriously, she made time for Tamara last week... I told her off as soon as she told me that. We're fine.

I am taking a break from everyone after the holidays. At least from my friends. If I cant go on a real vacation at least I can have a mental one. I will never understand why everyone comes to me with their problems. I have too much of my own shit going to worry about everyone elses problems.

Focusing on me.

Did I tell you a lady at the memorial read my blog. She wasn't one of the people who commented on it. It was weird to meet someone I've never met who's read something so personal. It was good though. It was good to know my words touched people. Though I kinda wish I hadn't mentioned Carrie coming with me to get my piercing. That was the first thing that popped in my head when I started getting comments. Whatever. I dont go around advertising my piercing to guys. My gf's obviously ask about it. They wanna know if the rumors are true lol. No one else has the balls.

Fuck me, my mom just called. She's going back in for surgery because she's really sick. When they did the gastric bypass the first time it almost killer her because the fucked up. She's still sick from whatever they did in '05. So now she has to go in for another surgery and they want to re do it. My step dad gave her a blood transfusion last time which was against her wishes. I told her to store her own blood this time so she's not upset. Then she tells me I dont want the transfusion. She's signing a DNR.

I swear to god my head is going to explode.

I need to relax, A back massage would be good right about now. Hot bubble bath, glass of wine. Read a book. Sounds like my idea of a good time.