Friday, January 6, 2012

3 days

Till school starts, holy fuck eh... I'm so excited!

I picked up my awesome echo smart pen. Coolest invention I've seen yet. I'll be meeting my note takers sometime before Monday. I get so stoked every time I step on campus.

Thank god for GST I was flat broke.

Still waiting on my loan... still no books... shit son. I'll have to see if the library carries any of them.

Carries 25bday- I picked up my share of her ashes, finally. I haven't opened the box to look yet. I don't know why I'm avoiding it. Maybe cause It'll be depressing or too real for me to deal with. I don't know. You'd think I'd be able to cope after actually seeing her, but some things are harder then others, even if it doesn't make sense. We had lunch at Moxies. I was supposed to go with her and Ash on her birthday last year but I couldn't afford it. Shoulda coulda wouldas eh... She had lunch with us. I put her on the table. Is that weird? Everyone else was cool with it. Then we got balloons wrote on them and set them free by Glenmore reservoir. She used to do 15k walks around it. That was Dev, Ash and I. Then I got a little cake/brownie thing and put candles on it and made a wish for her. Niki did that with me. It made me feel a little better. I covered the whole thing in candles so it looks like the cake is on fire lol. I thought she'd think that was funny.

I'll post some pics when I've uploaded them.

I think I need to work on my rage. Nothing pisses me off more then the idiots I've slept with.

Tim, I'd message him if it weren't for the fear of being rejected or being ignored all together. My best friend is like "you're never going to be satisfied are you?" Tim comes back, then Troy does but you're not happy because you don't have Tim" I was like "he's the best one! He's cute, has a good head on his shoulders, a good job, he doesn't go to jail. Good in bed." Then all the other awesome qualities he has.

I really do try not to think about him, but all I wanna know is that I'm gunna see him again...

So I try not to put all my eggs in the Tim basket. Realistically I may never see him again. Making an effort with Troy seems pointless. He talks big. "Oh, we'd make a cute couple don't you think? You coulda had my baby, unless you were fucking around with someone else, were u fucking around with someone else? It's ok for you to make me jealous but I cant make you jealous...? We kiss good together, don't you think?" He's right we do. Too bad he forgets that. He always says that.  Just some of the things he says do put me down. He acts like I'm just another slut. I told him I'm not. He read the message I sent to buddy where I said I don't see multiple ppl at the same time.

It would be easier if I knew If I was seeing someone. I don't know..If they stuck around then I wouldn't have to question, am I actually seeing someone? This always happens. They're idiots who piss off and then come back at the same time. I'm not a mind reader guys. Tell me you plan on sticking around and I wont see anyone else. How bout that?

"You fucked me the first time you met me. I guarantee I wasn't the first and I wont be the last." ... bastard. I can tell you exactly why I did it. He was so hot I figured I'd never see him again, and I didn't want to miss my chance to touch that fine body of his. Cause, why would him or Tim want to see me again? I'm just the fat chick. I know, I know, low self esteem. I'm getting better.

He's right he wasn't the first. It was Tim. However he was the last. I didn't sleep with Ben the first time I met him. I haven't taken on anyone new. I'm tired of getting hurt. Why keep putting myself out there? Seriously I could have a guy for every day of the week if I wanted to. I just hate chicks that are like that. They give good girls a bad name.

Why do I bother? He only comes over here when he's fucked up. Then he gets more fucked up when he's here. Then he sleeps here, I'm guessing not because he wants to spend time with me. We aren't sleeping together. He's not even a friend really. Doesn't check to see how I'm doing. Ignores me, shows up whenever. Doesn't respond if I do message him, doesn't add me to facebook. Troy you're dumb, change your privacy settings. You'd think he'd want to keep tabs on a girl he wants to sleep with again. Seeing how territorial he is. I just don't want to be used by anyone else. I'm done with people walking all over me. Whats the point of having him here? Cuddles seem to be the extent of it. I wouldn't let him see me cry so he cant even be a shoulder. Don't get me wrong, he's charming when he wants to be and I enjoy his company. He's affectionate. He's just a pain in the ass. I feel like I need to protect him from himself lol. He always makes the wrong choices.

I'm just tired of putting energy into people who don't care about me. I deserve better then that.I dont have time for bullshit.

Niki says to me "I hate to say it but Ben is the only one who ever admitted you were too good for him. He told you, you don't want him as a boyfriend. He respected you more then that. He knows you're a really good person. I mean he still hits you up from jail. You're too good for these guys Elli." Bens case it was true. He'd lie, steal, beat and cheat if he was my boyfriend. If he hit me I'da hunted him down and taken the bat to his fucking face. No word of a lie. No one, will ever physically abuse me ever again. I don't live in fear.

Whatevs right, I don't have a lot of notches on my belt. They can think what they want, but they don't know me. I can count the guys I've slept with on both hands. I guarantee they cant. I was the 148th person Troy slept with. How disgusting is that? Women are expendable to him. I guess when u look that good hey? Sex doesn't mean anything to my generation, I guess it helps that I was raised in a religious household. Every time I sleep with someone new I regret it. I just think my future husband will want a wife who valued herself enough not to sleep around.

I look at my friends relationships, they have to put up with a lot of shit. It always reminds me of my marriage. Then I think, do I really want to put up with relationship drama? I just think if he's making you cry or stressing you out cut him loose. I should really stop telling them to dump their boyfriends lol. I should take my own advice and stop sleeping with tools. Really them and money are my biggest headache.

My friend got back with her boyfriend. I asked her if it was the right thing? If she really thinks he's changed? Something I know, people don't change unless they want to. Anyway, she said "Elli, I see how lonely you are and I don't want to be lonely." ... Glad I'm the spokes person for loneliness. Its true, I am lonely and I have been for a really long time. I feel like Bridget Jones. You know, at least my life doesn't revolve around them. At least I don't blow people off or reschedule plans for a boyfriend. I just don't want to be unhappy for the rest of my life.

So this is what my friend said to me "You're so prejudice against other big people. You could be missing the chubby guy who brushes your hair when you don't feel good, who  runs with you until you're out of breath and you stop at the same time." LMFAO damn those six packs. I'm not prejudice. There's only one fat chick I hate. Dumb bitch. Anyway, I'd date a chubby guy with a cute face. By chubby I'm saying he needs to lose 30lbs max. I'm just not attracted to bigger people, which is why I don't understand when people are attracted to me. I just need someone who can encourage and motivate me and do the active things I want to do. If we were working towards the same goal then cool. I don't want anyone who's gunna slow me down and demotivate me.

I had sleep group and relaxation. Seriously, I'm hilarious. I love when my sarcasm makes people laugh. Especially when its about their illness. We all have such a hard time on a day to day basis. I try and encourage them. I try to make them see it from my point. I'm 26, you cant defeat me yet. I want to live a normal life even if I have to sacrifice and be in pain. I know full well If I jump in a lake I wont be able to bend my knees for hours and my knees and ankles will swell. Do I want to miss out on the opportunity to live?

Sleep group right now is kinda pointless. Cant sleep when you have nightmares. Its a lot harder when they mimic reality. I've had a lot of dreams about the present. That doesn't normally happen. I don't usually dream about people I know. Relaxation, I actually almost fell asleep this time. So we're laying on a mat with pillows and I had a bolster (really need to get me one of those). So this one she says something and repeats it twice then you have to say it over and over in your head until  the next sentence. Ex. "you're hand is heavy and warm, your hand is heavy and warm" I kept getting distracted by my own thoughts at first. Thinking about my love life, then  some reason a car chase... I musta started dreaming. They put like a mood thing on your hand and based off of how relaxed you are, your temperature will change the color of the dot. Mine went half way up the scale. Good I think. Then I had to pee and it woke me up. Do not have coffee before relaxation group.

Niki wanted to come but unfortunately she cant come to the groups. She'll come to a doctors apt at some point. She wants to better understand my illness as much as she can. She has a fractured foot and it makes her bitchy. She's like "Elli, I don't know how you do this. Live in pain all the time. I mean its just my foot. You have it all over your body on a daily basis." It's pretty obvious when I'm in pain. I walk slow, I limp. Picking up the cat takes all of my energy. I'm irritable. I fall asleep like an elderly woman. I fell asleep yesterday at 6pm. My body didn't want to stay awake. That was only an hr after taking my sleeping pill. Normally it takes 3. She was standing right next to me talking to me trying to wake me up, trying to say my name. I didn't hear her at all. I did wake up at the right time lol. I heard her say ginger chicken. I was confused, then I realized she was probably ordering Chinese food. Literally Niki has walked right up to me in bed and taken the laptop from right next to me and I did not wake up. For some reason when Kirstyn does it she scares the shit out of me. Then me gasping scares her. It's pretty funny actually. If people I don't know are here, I wont really sleep. I don't trust people so gotta be on guard. Trust me bad shit happens when you're asleep. Sometimes they'll try and get me to talk in my sleep. I make no sense. I told them they should've recorded it.

I haven't dreampt about the white whale since Carrie passed away. I just think it's crazy that I had a sixth sense about it. Just the day before someone deciphered my white whale dream. It was death.

I really need to find somewhere where I can do Tai Chi... I miss it a lot. I really enjoy it. It feels like an art of movement.

People keep telling me I'm going to meet a good man in college. They told me not to break too many hearts. I'm just glad I have the opportunity to meet better kinds of people. You know, less criminals and druggies. People who have hobbies and can stand to be sober would be a good start. At least dating has taught me all the qualities I'm not looking for in a man lol.

Honestly the time I've been single has really given me a chance to get to know myself better. To appreciate myself. I'm learning to love me and put myself first. Granted it came with some heartbreak. These last three years I've learnt to stand on my own two feet. It's the first time I've ever had to take care of myself by myself.

I'm still standing... and I'm looking forward to my future, whatever it has in store for me.

I'm happier ^_^