I have gone down!!

So I had my house mate look at the scale this morning so I could get an accurate weigh in. Today it said 292 which means I have lost 10 pounds. Wahoo! Just thought I would share that. We decided to take pictures of ourselves in our underwear as before and after photos. I have to say I did not think I was as fat as I was and now I understand my husbands disappointment. He is please for me though 10pounds down. I was thinking should I post them but i thought no better not i might offend someone. Maybe when I have the after photo's. I have to tell you when you zoom into my leg it looks like a pregnant woman's stomach. Maybe I will post that bit lol. I don't carry any of the weight on my leg in the back its all in the front of my thigh. Also I have four breasts 2 of them being on my back they are just missing the nipple. Well I have them for future reference. I found a picture of me today when i weighed 227 pounds I am going to post it. That is my first small goal to get back to that weight so when I go on my trip to Jamaica next year I look good. Well Just wanted to share my positive news.

Hello Sorry I'm Alive

Hi Guys,

Sorry, Sorry for not posting or responding quickly I am alive. I've been really tired as usual I come home at night eat watch TV then fall asleep. Weekends I don't do much. I know it's a crap excuse. Honestly I didn't want to post until i had something good to tell you guys. Let's go weigh myself ... the verdict is in 297 pounds. I had gotten down to 294 the other day but then I had pizza. I am letting myself down. But I lost the 6 pounds by not eating junk food and cutting out most alcohol. Damn that pizza...and bottle of wine! I went to the gym yesterday I managed to do the cross trainer for 10 min it is progress I was dying though my heart rate was up to 172.

We have progressed with the move to Canada. Immigration is slowly moving forward. We are now just waiting for the request for medicals. I'm worried to be honest is my illness going to be a problem or the fact that i was taking anti depressants for depression or the fact that i have slightly high blood pressure. You know I watch these programs with fat people and they eat like 3 burgers at a time or a whole pizza I don't know how they do it I had 4 slices of a large pizza and a few other things and I could never manage a whole one. Any way i need to loose as much weight before i leave for Canada I do not want to have to get a seat belt extension on the plane!! I also don't want to squish all my fat into the chair the damn table didn't even come down when i weight 252 pounds i was close to needing an extension then. I fucked up! I admit it. How the Fuck does someone not realize they are gaining weight especially 73 pounds the answer is they do realize it and they just are in denial. Yes I admit it I was in denial!! I am so Fucked off with myself I could have lost 73 pounds rather then gained it.

You know despite my lack of posting i really do like my blog. I get to journal for the whole world to read it. And i really have not had too negative responses in fact a lot of you guys are encouraging and i don't want to disappoint you. I wanted to post when i could say hey guys I lost 15 pounds but hey at least you guys know I'm OK. I will try and post sooner and hopefully will have lost that extra 3 pounds that i put back on. Considering doing the SB Diet for the first few weeks just to kick start the weight loss for Canada. Oh I forgot I have gotten more fucking stretch marks from going up and down in weight i have the first sign of some on my legs and more on my stomach. I have been using coco butter to try and reduce them. They are still in the pink stage. Talk to you guys later. Liz

I haven't had the heart

...To post.

Be warned i may talk about personal issues and womanly things.

So first my weight has gone up and down but by only a few pounds. It's about the same as it always is right now 300. I have felt really down lately and sad. Immigration is taking forever and i just want to get over there. I want to be able to start my new life. I'm so fed up with everything.

I have been having problems with my husband. I love him very much and he is a good man. He is on the brink of leaving me. I have gained over 70 pounds since we first met. I am unable to do any physical activities with him. He doesn't like to walk with me because i walk so slow. I lack the motivation to make myself look pretty on a daily bases so I ware crummy old pj's and keep my hair in a messy bun. No makeup. There are a few reasons not just the weight but i would have to say that's the biggest one. He just doesn't find me attractive any more. I want to be!! Not only for him but for me. I don't want to be in pain any more.

I was walking down the street the other day on my lunch break I looked nice better then i normally do. And some fucking piece of shit shouts out the window "the beach is that way" now it took me a minute but i realised that ass whole was calling me a whale. I felt like shit and then what did i do i ate a whole pack of cookies and extra food i did not need.

I have only once managed to get my ass out of bed at 6:30 and to go to the gym, and that was when i met my trainer provided by the NHS (national health service) he is a specialist who deals with people who have illnesses.

I have to meet him again this week. I guess it's a good thing i don't have his phone number or i probably would cancel. I haven't been able to sleep my doctor said i can up my medicine to two tablets rather than one when i need to. I Went out on a night out a few weeks ago and drank way too much and had a horrible hang over i vowed not to drink again as we all do which only lasted about two weeks and i had a few drinks in between then. But i have had a bottle of wine a couple of nights this week in a row. I don't want to get back in the habit of drinking it makes me feel lethargic my skin gets all pimply and i gain weight. The only benefit is i sleep better well most nights some nights my stomach burns from the acid in the wine damn IBS.

It's funny how we don't control our body's they control us. Well we are like this entity that lives inside i guess that's what we call our soul. I want to take good care of my body. To be honest I'm terrified of losing weight. What if my skin doesn't go back I'm afraid to have surgery and what if i can't afford it. I'm 22 I don't want to be deformed.

In November 2006 i am no longer taking my birth control shots In November 2007 I started getting my period again. I have had it probably about 6 times since Christmas and it's only February. Well at least i know I'm not pregnant right. I want to be able to do more things with my husband. I have a secret dream to be able to run. I love exercising once i get going and I'm not feeling like crap i feel so good. Sometimes my body hurts because i don't move enough how sad is that. I want to win this inner battle but i just feel like I'm loosing. I hate depression.

I don't want to be 30 devorced because my husband left me because i got too fat and weighing 400 pounds. I'm in pain as it is and I need help. I just don't know how to help myself get out of this rut. I know you all hear me bitch and moan and you think for pete's sake do something but i can't get the motivation. I really really wan't it.

I'm Sorry

It is the end of the month and I have hardly written. I know it's sad. I have been in my own world working sleeping eating eating eating. I drink too much i think i'm going to try and do the recomended 2 bottles of wine a week and no more. AH i'm hoping i can kick my own ass because at this rate i will be 400 pounds by next year I'm still the same weight i was when i started through out this month i have fluctuated up 2 pounds and then down 7 back and forth. I don't want to get all in to it but when i start loosing weight i will post more I'm going to try and get my ass up at 6:30 tm morning to go to the gym b4 work we will see!!

Do you ever...

Do you ever look in the mirror and not see the real you? I wasn't realizing how fat I was getting. I would look in the mirror and think yeah I'm big but I'm not that big. Then BOOM! it hits you, you see a picture of yourself and you think what that can't be me? Or you ask your husband to put your pants on to see how big you really are except he fits in one leg and can wrap the rest around himself. Or you tell someone how much you weigh they say I wouldn't have thought you weighed that much by looking at you but then they say you weigh the same as one woman one man and a half a child. She is myfriend so i didn't feel insulted i just never looked at it that way. It's fu**ing devastating.

I managed to put that little bit of weight i lost back on over the holidays actually it was probably just this last week great right? I went to the gym today did my 20 min. I watched this program last night about this woman in America who weighed almost 900 pounds. She resulted in a gastric bypass which she had done in Texas the only place that would take her she made it through the operation successfully but died shortly after of something like a heart attache leaving her two young daughters behind.

I don't want to weigh 900 pounds i mean 300 is seriously bad enough and i hate it i hate looking at me. If you can't tell I'm feeling a bit down. I just feel like it's never going to happen I'm always in pain and i have no energy. I hardly ever look pretty because i just don't have the energy for it. Does anyone else feel this way? And those of you who weigh close to what i do do you feel serious pain in your back ankles knees every where really? The fybromyalgia is very painful for me but i want to know if anyone else can relate. I went to the gym and people were looking at me. I wanted to flip them all off and say well at least I'm at the gym. I'm going to bed now where i will wake up and start another day in this glorious world where i am still fat and uncomfortable. I told myself if i can loose 2pnds per week that's 104pnds in a year and that's not too much to ask of myself right. Those of you who are doing it you are an inspiration.

Resolutions

Happy New Year!

So i weighed myself today and it looks as though i have put back on the 5 pounds i managed to loose great!!! My Resolution this year is no more crap it covers a broad spectrum. So it turns out there is not a weight restriction for imigration to canada I do apologise my husband felt the need to make it up in order to motivate me. Again sorry's all around it is embarissing. It did help in stressing me out though. Well I am going to have a better yer this year i guarantee it!! Hope you all had a great holiday season back to work tomorrow. Hope you guys didn't put on too much weight.

It's been a while

I haven't written not because i have felt guilty but because i have been in a funk. I wont bother to spell check this so sorry. For the last two days i have been trying to do my diest and have suceeded to loose a few pounds i did however have a cheese burger and a small fri from mcd's. Also a cigarette today i call it the stresses of being married though i think i balanced it out with the amount of calories eaten today so its ok. I have been tired and stressed out. My father in law will be here for christmas next week :-( I spent the last of my money on christmas shopping. I've been busy at work and like i said in a funk. I have made it to the gym more often which is great I just thought i'd give you all a little update now I'm off to bed. If i don't write again before christmas I hope everyone has a very happy holiday season!!