Saturday, February 23, 2008

I haven't had the heart

...To post.

Be warned i may talk about personal issues and womanly things.

So first my weight has gone up and down but by only a few pounds. It's about the same as it always is right now 300. I have felt really down lately and sad. Immigration is taking forever and i just want to get over there. I want to be able to start my new life. I'm so fed up with everything.

I have been having problems with my husband. I love him very much and he is a good man. He is on the brink of leaving me. I have gained over 70 pounds since we first met. I am unable to do any physical activities with him. He doesn't like to walk with me because i walk so slow. I lack the motivation to make myself look pretty on a daily bases so I ware crummy old pj's and keep my hair in a messy bun. No makeup. There are a few reasons not just the weight but i would have to say that's the biggest one. He just doesn't find me attractive any more. I want to be!! Not only for him but for me. I don't want to be in pain any more.

I was walking down the street the other day on my lunch break I looked nice better then i normally do. And some fucking piece of shit shouts out the window "the beach is that way" now it took me a minute but i realised that ass whole was calling me a whale. I felt like shit and then what did i do i ate a whole pack of cookies and extra food i did not need.

I have only once managed to get my ass out of bed at 6:30 and to go to the gym, and that was when i met my trainer provided by the NHS (national health service) he is a specialist who deals with people who have illnesses.

I have to meet him again this week. I guess it's a good thing i don't have his phone number or i probably would cancel. I haven't been able to sleep my doctor said i can up my medicine to two tablets rather than one when i need to. I Went out on a night out a few weeks ago and drank way too much and had a horrible hang over i vowed not to drink again as we all do which only lasted about two weeks and i had a few drinks in between then. But i have had a bottle of wine a couple of nights this week in a row. I don't want to get back in the habit of drinking it makes me feel lethargic my skin gets all pimply and i gain weight. The only benefit is i sleep better well most nights some nights my stomach burns from the acid in the wine damn IBS.

It's funny how we don't control our body's they control us. Well we are like this entity that lives inside i guess that's what we call our soul. I want to take good care of my body. To be honest I'm terrified of losing weight. What if my skin doesn't go back I'm afraid to have surgery and what if i can't afford it. I'm 22 I don't want to be deformed.

In November 2006 i am no longer taking my birth control shots In November 2007 I started getting my period again. I have had it probably about 6 times since Christmas and it's only February. Well at least i know I'm not pregnant right. I want to be able to do more things with my husband. I have a secret dream to be able to run. I love exercising once i get going and I'm not feeling like crap i feel so good. Sometimes my body hurts because i don't move enough how sad is that. I want to win this inner battle but i just feel like I'm loosing. I hate depression.

I don't want to be 30 devorced because my husband left me because i got too fat and weighing 400 pounds. I'm in pain as it is and I need help. I just don't know how to help myself get out of this rut. I know you all hear me bitch and moan and you think for pete's sake do something but i can't get the motivation. I really really wan't it.

6 comments:

Scale Junkie said...

I'm so glad you posted! I've been wondering how you've been. First of all, you need to go on a healthy well balanced diet, no more trying crash diets ok?

Second, don't you dare cancel that personal trainer. Thats a fantastic opportunity and you should take advantage of it.

Third, get organized. Make a healthy menu and stick with it. If you don't know where to get started, check out sparkpeople.com They have a great place to enter your foods and track your calories. They also make meal suggestions for you.

I'm so sorry your husband is feeling this way but you need to get your health back for you. Not for him. At the end of the day, you need to be happy with you and yes it will be nice to do things together. I know how fast everyone walks over there, I always felt so slow. But get out there and walk, its great exercise! Built your strength and stamina. Do it slow and start off slow and build up from there. Listen to your trainer.

Sainsbury's has healthy low fat/low calorie foods and I'm sure Tesco does too.

Just hang in there, just get started and then stay with it! You can do this sweetheart!

Expressingnotstuffing said...

Hello :)
Thanks for dropping by my blog.
Yes, I do have fibromyalgia and I have not really talked too much on my blog about it other than just being in pain all of the time and medications etc.
I take Nortriptyline and I am suppose to be taking Zoloft and I don't like the way it makes me feel so I have not been taking it.
I have noticed the one thing that helps the most is sleep.
I have major insomnia and my schedule is very disrupted due to having a 6 month old and an almost 3 year old.
I feel constantly wiped out.
I was reading part of your blog to my husband and he thought I was reading from my blog.
It's as if I could have written your blog about your fatigue and being unmotivated to get dressed, put make up on etc.
It's such a chore when you have chronic fatigue that goes hand in hand with the fibro.
Also, I have IBS too!
It's TERRIBLE!
I always am the most sick in the morning after my first meal.
Doesn't matter what I eat- first bite or sip of something triggers my stomach to go into diarrhea mode!
NOT GOOD! I am a stay at home Mom now and have been for a little over 2 years and prior to that I worked always in an office and it's very hard to explain to bosses why you are always away from your desk many times during the day especially in the morning.
Boss's tend to not give a shit about well...your shits! ha ha.
I've noticed stress really triggers IBS something terrible!
I was told to increase fiber but I never noticed any help.
What are you doing for your IBS?
I was also given this powder stuff to mix in fluid it's like a major metamucil (not sure if you have metamucil there) but it's like this powder high fiber stuff that is usually used for regularity except the one they gave me was a prescription because it was stronger.
Grease, milk, eggs really set me off but I love milk and eggs (still eat greasy foods - hence the slow weight loss) but I'm working on it.
So, what do they have you taking for your fibromyalgia?
Do you suffer from depression too?
I have had chronic depression/post traumatic with panic disorder for years.
Fibro and depression go hand in hand. It's so painful physically and mentally some days but I have to keep going.
I have two kids so it's not like I can just sit back. They force me to function regardless.
As far as exercising goes -I just try to move a little more everyday. Like household stuff -cleaning I count as exercise because some days that is all I can do.
I like to walk outside and sometimes on my treadmill.
I have not been faithful to an exercise program due to the fatigue.
I do know though that when I am more active and staying on a regular exercise pattern I feel a bit better.
The problem and I am sure you can relate is you get into the swing of things and feeling good about eating right,exercising etc. and then a huge fibro flare happens.
It throws me for loop. I am so sick and tired of being in pain.
Thankfully I have a husband who will rub my back gently and my shoulders and neck (can't touch my legs or uppers arms too unbearable.
It's amazing how little pressure can send excruciating pain in the trigger points.
I'd love to keep in contact and go through this weight loss journey together.
It's nice to know that someone else has the same issues as me.
My Mom has Fibro too and osteo arthritis and she can barely walk some days. I love "good" days. The bad days I hobble around and sometimes crawl along the furniture. Not fun.
Hang in there!!!!

anna said...

oh honey! i feel for you! i really do!! you have to start somewhere...so, if your husband won't walk with you, walk alone for a while. it all starts with YOU AND YOU CAN DO IT!! keep going to your trainer...keep doing what you can do...it will start to get better. and one day you will RUN!!

Tanya said...

Hi! I found your page through a Google search. My husband and I are also on a weight loss journey. When I had my daughter 6 months ago, I was 308 pounds. Today, I weigh 238 pounds. We have done it in a sensible, no crazy diet plan sort of way. To date, we have not been on any formal exercise program, we've just been counting calories and eating well (no salads for me by the way!). There is to much info that I would like to share with you. If you're interested, please e-mail me tanyat117@yahoo.com

whats the skinny said...

still waiting for you to post. how are you?????

whats the skinny said...

hello!! are you okay???