Thursday, January 3, 2008

Do you ever...

Do you ever look in the mirror and not see the real you? I wasn't realizing how fat I was getting. I would look in the mirror and think yeah I'm big but I'm not that big. Then BOOM! it hits you, you see a picture of yourself and you think what that can't be me? Or you ask your husband to put your pants on to see how big you really are except he fits in one leg and can wrap the rest around himself. Or you tell someone how much you weigh they say I wouldn't have thought you weighed that much by looking at you but then they say you weigh the same as one woman one man and a half a child. She is myfriend so i didn't feel insulted i just never looked at it that way. It's fu**ing devastating.

I managed to put that little bit of weight i lost back on over the holidays actually it was probably just this last week great right? I went to the gym today did my 20 min. I watched this program last night about this woman in America who weighed almost 900 pounds. She resulted in a gastric bypass which she had done in Texas the only place that would take her she made it through the operation successfully but died shortly after of something like a heart attache leaving her two young daughters behind.

I don't want to weigh 900 pounds i mean 300 is seriously bad enough and i hate it i hate looking at me. If you can't tell I'm feeling a bit down. I just feel like it's never going to happen I'm always in pain and i have no energy. I hardly ever look pretty because i just don't have the energy for it. Does anyone else feel this way? And those of you who weigh close to what i do do you feel serious pain in your back ankles knees every where really? The fybromyalgia is very painful for me but i want to know if anyone else can relate. I went to the gym and people were looking at me. I wanted to flip them all off and say well at least I'm at the gym. I'm going to bed now where i will wake up and start another day in this glorious world where i am still fat and uncomfortable. I told myself if i can loose 2pnds per week that's 104pnds in a year and that's not too much to ask of myself right. Those of you who are doing it you are an inspiration.

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

I just stumbled across ur blog and read your first entry. You mention the 'gastric band'. Have you looked into that? Do you have insurance that may pay for it? Did you know one of Muhammed Ali's daughters has one and has written a book? I had a band fitted in Europe in October 07 and I only weighed 180lb... So I know ur pain! There is an interesting and supportive website dedicated to people who have had or are thinking about having a gastric band. Surgery isn't a cop out, its a took to help you to succeed and get ur life back. The website it called smartbandsters. Google it and join it, even if just to read the stories of the people who regularly contribute to the site.

2008 is a new year, so draw a line under what went before and start again. Wishing you a healthier and happier future and good luck in making the right choices.

Lilynolife said...

I have just stumbled across your blog and having read your first entry, amongst others, I notice you mention the 'gastric band'. I was wondering whether you had looked into this as an option. WLS is not an easy way out, it is a tool to help you suceed, it is not a magic wand! Unfortunately ;o( I had a gastric band fitted in October 07. I weiged 180lb, so somewhat less than you but I feel your pain and know how hard it is. There is a good chat forum called 'Smartbandsters' that is full of useful information and support for people with bands and those thinking about getting them. Maybe you should have a look and check to see if your insurance would pay for such a procedure. I had mine done privately in Europe and although I am still struggling because my band isn't tight enough yet (It has to be adjusted until you find your 'sweet spot'), I have no regrets in undergoing this surgery.

Anyway, remember, it is a new year, so you can draw a line under what went before and do your best to make healthy choices and succeed in 2008.

I wish you the strength to move forward and enjoy your life.

Scale Junkie said...

I know exactly how you feel. I never thought I was that big, even a few weeks ago I thought I didn't look that bad but then I went to a party and saw pictures of myself and I'm MORTIFIED and motivated all over again.

As for the fibro, my friend Monica has it and she weight close to 300 pounds not so long ago and recently started exercising, she has good days and bad days. Check out her blog, you won't feel so alone
http://expressingnotstuffing.blogspot.com/

Diet Coke and Zingers said...

It's all about finding a program that you can live with LONG TERM... I promise you CAN do this! Keep trying... make small changes... Sometimes I think, "oh, it won't really matter, it's just one candy bar"... but one candy bar every day for a week is another pound of fat on my body... the little things really add up! Hang in!

Sabrina said...

you can do this, I know you can. I don't know what its like to weight 300lbs but I do know whats like to like the body that you are stuck in. I'm very short and have 60lbs to lose before I hit my goal and some days I feel just like you, but its like you said tomorrow is another day and you have to go after what you want and sometimes its hard work but you know what in the end you'll feel better about yourself and thats all that matters.
Good luck to you

No Where to Run ... said...

Seriously, YOU CAN do it! i watch The Biggest Loser and I see how those people change inside and OUT! it's the inside that sometimes gets tricky because it keeps us from losing on the outside. you CAN you CAN you CAN!!