I'm Sorry

It is the end of the month and I have hardly written. I know it's sad. I have been in my own world working sleeping eating eating eating. I drink too much i think i'm going to try and do the recomended 2 bottles of wine a week and no more. AH i'm hoping i can kick my own ass because at this rate i will be 400 pounds by next year I'm still the same weight i was when i started through out this month i have fluctuated up 2 pounds and then down 7 back and forth. I don't want to get all in to it but when i start loosing weight i will post more I'm going to try and get my ass up at 6:30 tm morning to go to the gym b4 work we will see!!

Do you ever...

Do you ever look in the mirror and not see the real you? I wasn't realizing how fat I was getting. I would look in the mirror and think yeah I'm big but I'm not that big. Then BOOM! it hits you, you see a picture of yourself and you think what that can't be me? Or you ask your husband to put your pants on to see how big you really are except he fits in one leg and can wrap the rest around himself. Or you tell someone how much you weigh they say I wouldn't have thought you weighed that much by looking at you but then they say you weigh the same as one woman one man and a half a child. She is myfriend so i didn't feel insulted i just never looked at it that way. It's fu**ing devastating.

I managed to put that little bit of weight i lost back on over the holidays actually it was probably just this last week great right? I went to the gym today did my 20 min. I watched this program last night about this woman in America who weighed almost 900 pounds. She resulted in a gastric bypass which she had done in Texas the only place that would take her she made it through the operation successfully but died shortly after of something like a heart attache leaving her two young daughters behind.

I don't want to weigh 900 pounds i mean 300 is seriously bad enough and i hate it i hate looking at me. If you can't tell I'm feeling a bit down. I just feel like it's never going to happen I'm always in pain and i have no energy. I hardly ever look pretty because i just don't have the energy for it. Does anyone else feel this way? And those of you who weigh close to what i do do you feel serious pain in your back ankles knees every where really? The fybromyalgia is very painful for me but i want to know if anyone else can relate. I went to the gym and people were looking at me. I wanted to flip them all off and say well at least I'm at the gym. I'm going to bed now where i will wake up and start another day in this glorious world where i am still fat and uncomfortable. I told myself if i can loose 2pnds per week that's 104pnds in a year and that's not too much to ask of myself right. Those of you who are doing it you are an inspiration.

Resolutions

Happy New Year!

So i weighed myself today and it looks as though i have put back on the 5 pounds i managed to loose great!!! My Resolution this year is no more crap it covers a broad spectrum. So it turns out there is not a weight restriction for imigration to canada I do apologise my husband felt the need to make it up in order to motivate me. Again sorry's all around it is embarissing. It did help in stressing me out though. Well I am going to have a better yer this year i guarantee it!! Hope you all had a great holiday season back to work tomorrow. Hope you guys didn't put on too much weight.

It's been a while

I haven't written not because i have felt guilty but because i have been in a funk. I wont bother to spell check this so sorry. For the last two days i have been trying to do my diest and have suceeded to loose a few pounds i did however have a cheese burger and a small fri from mcd's. Also a cigarette today i call it the stresses of being married though i think i balanced it out with the amount of calories eaten today so its ok. I have been tired and stressed out. My father in law will be here for christmas next week :-( I spent the last of my money on christmas shopping. I've been busy at work and like i said in a funk. I have made it to the gym more often which is great I just thought i'd give you all a little update now I'm off to bed. If i don't write again before christmas I hope everyone has a very happy holiday season!!

Hi so this is what i did this weekend

I have been in such an odd mood. I had a F the world kinda attitude on Saturday morning where I have been listening to Nickelback Rockstar I don't know why I just Love that song. Thanksgiving wasn't so bad I controlled myself I didn't even put on a pound so I'm Please with that. I met with my physio therapist last week about my knee she wants me to do 3 days of cardio for 20 minutes no more and no less. Because of my fybromyalgia consistency is important for me. She said I can do my boxing if i Don't push myself. I went to the gym twice yesterday and today for my 20min each of cardio. I did some weights too and starting to feel achy it's not even 9 and I think I'm going to call it a night. I had a comment from someone who said that me trying to loose 40 pounds in two months is crazy. I would like to say I agree it is crazy but it's necessary. I want to move to Canada and this is my option because i slacked off I knew I would have a medical but this is all the time I left myself and I will be damned if I don't loose that weight!! So I'm proud of me for going to the gym I have been fairly good I have denied myself cake twice I have had a few small treats but have limited myself and will continue to do so. Well I hope everyone had a good holiday now I need to prepare myself for Christmas it's right around the corner!!

40 POUNDS IN TWO MONTHS

OK THIS IS GOING TO SOUND CRAZY BUT I HAVE TO LOOSE ABOUT 40 POUNDS IN TWO MONTHS. WE FOUND OUT FOR IMMIGRATION THERE IS A WEIGHT LIMIT ANT ITS 252 POUNDS. SO HERE I GO I BETTER START GETTING MY CRAP TOGETHER OTHERWISE MY HUSBAND WILL BE GOING TO CANADA WITHOUT ME AND I WILL BE STUCK HERE. ITS DEPRESSING BUT I'M GOING TO DO IT NO MATTER HOW I DO IT IT WILL BE DONE!!!!! GOD SAVE ME!!!

Exercising

So you all know I was/am doing the south beach diet. I am finding it hard to go back and do no carbs (i mean bread pasta and rice the good tasting ones). Thanksgiving is this week I am determined not to pig out seeing as I am the one cooking I should be able to control some aspects of that. So you can see I posted a new weight. I was sick as noted in a previous blog and was told by the doctors to eat some carbs like bread and rice to help with the stomach problem. Since I fell off the wagon lol I haven't started again. Though I have been controlling the portions and to some extent what I eat. For example last week i bought a bar of kit kats it comes with four sticks i ate 2 of the sticks. Do you know how many calories are in one bar?? Something like 200+. I decided it wasn't worth eating 4 to have up to 800 calories on something that wasn't going to make me full i could eat like 15plates of vegetables for that amount lol. I also went to the coffee shop and got this chocolate twist pastry thing and i gave half of it to my friend (who knew i could share food?) and I got a little treat of shortbread and what are those hard things that look like cookies called again. Well the point is I only had one of each and that was on Saturday and I still have the whole pack left. Since stopping the diet like 3weeks ago I have still maintained a 5pound weight loss. Though I have gained 5 back that's expected. I will be doing the two weeks again and I pray for my stomach not to be sick again.

This weekend I went to a cardio kick boxing class. I did it very low impact and found myself unable to breath. I was so embarrassed that i couldn't do everything they were they were jumping over benches and doing loads of steps. But at the end I had a few people come up to me and say good job. Maybe it's better to see a fat person at the gym then any where else. At least they know I am trying. My shirt kept rising up too and i kept trying to pull it down to cover the fat roll. Needless to say If I can get my ass out of bed next Saturday morning I will go again. Oh and I am still aching. It hurts to sit, walk,stand, move my arms!! The motto from the US Marines is 'Pain is Weakness Leaving the Body' That's what i tell myself. I sweat like crazy too. Now just to loose some more. My father in law is coming for Christmas and I know he already thinks badly of me because I'm fat so I have to loose weight because last time he saw me i was 30 pounds lighter then I am now. I would also like to be able to wear some nice stuff especially the clothes I already have but my weight outgrew. I expect everyone else to post honest blogs during the Holidays so I don't feel all left alone. I will post again later this week. Bye