That's a little bit psycho

Kris ... using those eye drops to sober herself up again lmao fucking hilarious!!!

The Pregnant leg photo dun dun dun ...

What an interesting week ... my life is so weird ... I can't even go into detail about the irony of this week ... there are no words ...

I can do this!

It's been really rough for me. I've been super sick. Sleep sleep sleep sleep. Tried to go to the gym Monday was there 5 min before i felt faint and had to leave. Last week I made it 3 days the week b4 i made it 4. It's made me angry because normally I go 5 days a week. I'm sleeping but not well. I ran out of medicine. I just got a refill. This week is supposed to be my hr and a half at the gym. I want to hit my goal by my birthday. I've just been frustrated because I've been in so much pain and sleeping a lot.

I'm watching Biggest Loser and crying as usual. There is so much pain in being fat. If you haven't been there then you don't know. I've been made fun of and tortured. I look in the mirror and at pictures and I don't see a beautiful person. I've wanted to die. Guys don't want me because they don't think I'm beautiful. My best friend when he came to see me in January he told me he was telling his other best friend that he wanted me to be at my goal weight. Not for vanity purposes but so people could see what a great person I am so they don't judge me for my weight anymore and they just purely see my personality. I didn't know what to say.

People are proud of me. It makes me feel good. My mom ... she saw a new picture of me the other day i was on web cam with her and the comp phone and she called my step dad over because she was so proud of the amount of weight i've lost since she saw me last. This guy I care a lot about. He chose not to see me for a long time. He saw me after four months and he complimented me and it was the best feeling I have ever had. It was so validating. A gf of mine complimented me she hadn't seen me in a long time and then saw me after I lost all of the weight. My best friend sees me on web cam and said he's so proud of me he was going to send me a box of cheezits tho I don't get why you'd send me my favorite junk food when i'm trying to lose weight ... We may need to have a conversation about that. Or if he does I may just need to save them and see how long I can keep them for without eating them lol.

My confidence level is going up which is something. I still have a long way to go and it's disheartening. 100 more pounds ... I can do it. I know I can. The only person who can stop me, is me. When I can work again I'm going to start looking into jobs at the gym. I need to get into something that is going to help me maintain my goal for the rest of my life. I will not fail. I will be healthy for the rest of my life. I have quit smoking.

Honestly I'm scared about what life has in store for me. I'm trying not to stress because where the hell is that going to get me. I have no income. I don't remember to do anything. I was out the other day with my gf's I forgot where I was. Lovely right? Fuck my fucking memory. I lose everything. I have a couple months until my lease is up. I'm not sure what i'm going to do. It would be easier if I had a normal cat unfortunately my cat has issues too. I'm hoping the chronic pain centre gets me in soon they can sort me out and I can start working by fall. Hoping my car sells asap. I hate being in debt. Well i don't have much else to say to be honest just thought i'd type out my feelings. Not particularly angry right now just kinda all emotional and a little lonely. Wishing I had someone special to share my life with. Tho I must remember I have a lot of important people in my life who love me ... I love you guys.

Sob Stories

Really getting tired of people telling me. Oh poor me. Oh my bills. Oh I have so much debt I owe this minuscule amount of money. Oh this guy fucked me over.

YOU THINK YOUR LIFE SUCKS!!!!!!!!! WALK A DAY IN MY SHOES ASS HOLES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I DON'T PITTY YOU, I THINK YOUR DUMB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I know people have it worse then me. Have you seen that movie precious? That chick has it worse then me. People who are homeless have it worse then me. Oh and believe me I've been there. I know how it feels. I've lost everything over and over countless times. All of my worldly possession sold or donated not by choice. I don't sympathize with idiots. You have the ability to make your life better. JERKS IF I COULD WORK I'D HAVE NO PROBLEMS RIGHT NOW!!! IF I COULD REMEMBER TO FILL OUT PAPERS OR NOT LOSE THEM OR COMPREHEND WHAT THEY WERE ASKING ON THE FORMS BECAUSE EVERYTHING IS JUST A LITTLE TOO COMPLICATED TO WRAP MY HEAD AROUND WHEN ITS IN PAIN ... MY LIFE WOULD BE PEACHY!!!

Just be happy your not sick people. That your capable of working. Stop causing yourself more drama and more issues. Drop the dumb ass men in your life or women for that matter. Find higher paying jobs. Further your education to make more money. Get grants, loans etc. Do what you have to do to make your life better cause idiots the only person stopping you IS YOU!!

Oh and On another note bringing past relationship issues into a new relationship just fucks the other person over FYI!!! You may be hurt from the last relationship but your issues are hurting other people. YOU HURT ME BECAUSE SHE HURT YOU!!! Vicious circle. Douches i swear.

I have a really bad upper respiratory track infection. I'm all alone in another country and the only person who looks after me is me. So I may seem like an ass hole today which I am being an ass hole. I'm allowed. I miss my close friends and family and I'm sad cause I'm alone.

A lot on my mind and then my mind goes blank ... shit

So last week I got down to 253.8 60 Pounds lost. Then went out with my girlie fri for dinner then gf's bday sat and oh now 256.6 lovely jubbly ugh! It's ok, I just need better self control when I'm out. Or Party in lol. Have to step it up at the gym this week to an hr and 20 min of cardio. If this week doesn't kill me then I know i can do the hr and a half next week. Going to add treadmill in this week. It's hard for me with my fucked up ankle. However if I want to hit that running goal by winter i need to get crackin and push through the pain. I also have a few other goals by winter. Such as pull ups ... this evil crunch machine where u have to use ur own body weight, I did 5 lol. Then there is another abdominal exercise where u hold yourself up and bring your legs to your chest. I want to be able to do that one. Going to try and work harder on my upper body too. Arms are not impressing me in the least bit, I'm not going to beat myself up I'm still kick ass. My goal for July 30th is 227 however if I can smash through it and hit 213 then I will have lost 100 pounds in a yr and 5 months in time for my 25th b-day and that would be so awesome.

I'm still sick. I'm in a lot of pain today. I've been trying to get organized. I can't find some very important papers and i don't remember what happened to them. I've had a lot of lapses in memory lately and I lose my words. It's very frustrating and upsetting. The gym helps with getting the anger out. I almost cried at the gym the other week. Sometimes I wish I could and I wish it would be ok. Maybe I should go in the sauna and cry. There is this guy at the gym who i see like once a week. Didn't see him last week tho. He looks at me when he comes in. I've said hello to him before. Then he looks around until he finds me. I dont know if he's shy or what but i wish he'd say hi. It's kinda weird but he's a cutie. Tho i don't really want to talk to him again, what if I look like the weirdo?? My friends say times are changing and to go talk to him again he's prob shy.

There is this other guy. Colbie Caillat's song Never Told you is very appropriate "I miss those blue eyes, how you kiss me at night." I mean honestly I torture myself with him. My friends say cut him lose but he's intoxicating I just want more of him but he wont let me have him. The ass hole didn't see me for 4 months and by chance hehehe I ran into him and had a great night with him. I have a good time when I'm with him. I honestly don't know what goes through his head. If he regrets me. I mean if he wanted me he'd get in touch. I'm too old to be chasing him and to be frank i'm tired of it. It hurts to message him and he doesn't message back. If he doesn't know I want him by now then he's pretty dumb. I think I made it crystal ... I think he's been burned hard core. I have to tell you tho you don't get any more burned the a divorce. I'm trying to leave the past in the past and he really should too. Whatever if it's not meant to be. I really did have a great time tho. I haven't heard from him since. I tried to say a couple things via msn but nothing in response. Guess nothing says he cares a whole lot, eh? LIVE AND LET GO .... If nothing else I guess he's a beautiful memory. I can't hold hate in my heart but i definitely hold hurt and sadness for not being wanted yet again. Sometimes I wish I could be like some of my gf's be with a guy and when they don't want me find someone else and cut the last one lose. I'm not built that way. My heart needs to cry, it just doesn't know how.

Bella has been put up for sale. She's my car. My second car. I'm heartbroken. It's taken me so long to finally post her. I've been avoiding it. I bought her when I first moved to Canada. My ex and I got her together but she was mine. I have to get rid of her now because I have no money to support myself and my ex is no longer covering my insurance now that the divorce is done. I hope she sells for what i'm asking that would be the most awesome thing in the world right now. I'm so far behind on bills.

I'm putting on a brave face but I am so sad and lonely. I miss having a phone to call my friends when i need a pick me up. I miss working, getting out of the house, having bills paid on time, buying luxury things such as clothes and cheese lol. My mom might come visit for stampede which would be great. It's been almost a year since i've seen her. In fact next month it's a year. Tickets back home round trip are $250 USD which is freaking awesome i need to get on that. I want to go home for my b-day. I miss my friends and family. My friends here have been good to me. I don't see them enough tho. One just left me for the summer. Another just told me he may be leaving for some chick. Too soon if u ask me, but life is about risks right? I don't think i could ever move for a Man again. Maybe with a man but not for them. Relocation after relocation after relocation you just want to stay in one fucking spot. My lease is up end of Aug. Staying in this city and hopefully in the general area i'm in. Think i'll find a new roommate. I miss living with guys. Less moody, they don't use ur shit, you dont have to remember the chicks name they bring home lol u nick name them girl with trainers, conversations are better. Well no roommate would be better, tho sometimes the company is nice.

Is it sad that I type out my thoughts. The thoughts i wish I could share with everyone on pretty much an open diary? Whatever I don't really give a shit. 2010 has not been a good year so far. My horoscope for the year says to wear bright colors and I will be in a relationship by the end of spring. Well it's May ... guess this is my last month ... not getting my hopes up. I have my whole life to find love ... lets just hope my luck doesn't run out and my life doesn't randomly end. Am I depressing,,, maybe. Am I allowed to be. Yup! Cause it's my blog.

I've just been bummed since well for a long time. Sometimes I wish i could erase the memory of this guy "I see your blue eyes, every time I close mine" but then he made me feel again. Even tho he hurt me I felt passion for the first time in a long time. Just wish he felt it back. One day ... Maybe Mr. right is right around the corner?? I stopped looking. That's what they say to do right. I'm praying to the stars that my life will pick up. I have 3 mo's till my 25th b-day. Let's make 25 a good year!!! Live and LET GO ...

60 min of Cardio

So I stepped up my game ... 60 min of Cardio burning over 500 calories. 30 min elliptical 30 min bike. It's killer. I keep getting this pain on the right side of my stomach. I need to find that xray paper my doctor gave me lol before I collapse or something bah! If it's not one thing it's the next. I'm sure it cant be an organ it must be like a muscle or hernia or something i don't know. Hurts like a mother tho and I've made bruises from pushing so hard where it hurts. It will not stop me!! I'm on a mission. 258.2 td. ... 31 pounds to go by July 30th. I can do this!

So some guy at a pub wanted me this weekend. That was a first. It was so funny. I got this new purple halter top. I walked past these guy and one said I wonder how much she paid for those. I said to my roommate was that guy talking about my tits she's like i thought he was talking about my pants. I was like why would he be talking about your pants??! Any way so this other guy was staring at our table again my roommate noticed cause me i think everyone stares lol. I was like who's he looking at she's like i don't know. Turns out he was looking at me. So i ask the waitress to give him a note with my e-mail. Guy e-mails me and wants to hook up. Seeing as that's not the kinda girl I am, I shot him down. However this NEVER happens to me and I was flattered lol.

So I'm going to this club on Sat with my girls and I'm thinking about asking this guy if he wants to come casually but i'm such a retarded spaz, I don't know if he'll come or not. He's the cutie that works at my gym. Can't hurt to try right. I mean how are people supposed to make new friends?? This world is so complicated!! No smoking I've done awesome. Still losing weight. Still moody as fuck. Had a dream i kicked someones ass with a lunch tray last night lol. Can we say fucked!! I don't even know anymore. So stoked about going out sat woot party and my new outfit is hot especially since i fit into my old jeans! A little self conscious about my new top. I was going to buy a little half cardigan but i cant afford it. Seriously hoping my tax return comes before friday. Oh and I lost my job last fri. Lovely :( I was supposed to be on a leave of absence for medical reasons. Tossers, I don't even know what their reason Is i just got some paper with random numbers on it. My friend had to explain it to me grr!

Whatever ... Summers almost here and it's going to be awesome cause I LOVE THE SUN !!! CAUSE I'M A SUMMER CHILD YO! Yah i'm a loser whatevs peace out

Mood Swings are further pissing me off

Depressing people are depressing me further. Last week I was in a pretty great mood. I've hardly missed going to the gym which is awesome. It's cheering me up. Exercise is making me feel good. I mean don't get me wrong still in soo much pain. Right now I'm dying, it hurts so bad. I'm trying to motivate myself to get out of bed to go to the gym, that and pick up some fruit is all I have to do today. Also trying to avoid smoking today. Which I can already tell is going to be a challenge. I've already managed to annoy my best friend. Which is fine. He's been just as moody as I have, so I'm just going to brush it off he'll get over it and so will I. It's how we work. I'm just pissy about it at the moment.

I'm in one of those moods where i want to flick everyone in the forehead and I haven't even seen a single person today lol. The idea of it makes me smile tho lol. I talked to this hot guy who works at the gym. Nice guy. I've been told I'm going to his step class tho I made it clear I HATE STEP! Prepare for a miserable me in your step class I'll go but I wont like it lol. He's lucky he's hot. It's more the fact that step is difficult for me and pushing me out of my comfort zone. It'll be embarrassing, but it's me and I never give up when something is difficult. I have a goal and I'll get there. Plus think thighs of steel lol. Long way to go but i'll get there.

T- 50 Pounds YAY!!

So I Finally lost 50 pounds 263 YAY. 35 pounds to go and I'm at the weight I was before I got married. I'm officially divorced. Weight off my shoulder. Granted I'm broke as fuck so behind in bills and living in denial so i can keep my sanity. Haha. However the fact that I have managed to achieve this goal is a big thing and it will help my health which will over all help me live longer. I went to see an occupational therapist about stress management so I don't freak out on people and have emotional break downs. I'll see her again.

I haven't been up to too much except concentrating on weight loss. I have guys on the brain. Of course. I wish I was psychic and could mind read it would make life so much easier. I would go more into depth but i don't know who's reading this these days and I seem to have gotten slightly more paranoid lol. I also think i'm losing my marbles and may be going slightly insane but seeing as all my friends are losing their minds too I feel ok about it haha they said it not me. I'm starting to loosen up a bit and I'm optimistic. No matter what seems to go wrong in my life something is going to go right because it's life and I can't do shit about it!! So cheers let's drink to that weather it be water or a shot!!