So last week I got down to 253.8 60 Pounds lost. Then went out with my girlie fri for dinner then gf's bday sat and oh now 256.6 lovely jubbly ugh! It's ok, I just need better self control when I'm out. Or Party in lol. Have to step it up at the gym this week to an hr and 20 min of cardio. If this week doesn't kill me then I know i can do the hr and a half next week. Going to add treadmill in this week. It's hard for me with my fucked up ankle. However if I want to hit that running goal by winter i need to get crackin and push through the pain. I also have a few other goals by winter. Such as pull ups ... this evil crunch machine where u have to use ur own body weight, I did 5 lol. Then there is another abdominal exercise where u hold yourself up and bring your legs to your chest. I want to be able to do that one. Going to try and work harder on my upper body too. Arms are not impressing me in the least bit, I'm not going to beat myself up I'm still kick ass. My goal for July 30th is 227 however if I can smash through it and hit 213 then I will have lost 100 pounds in a yr and 5 months in time for my 25th b-day and that would be so awesome.
I'm still sick. I'm in a lot of pain today. I've been trying to get organized. I can't find some very important papers and i don't remember what happened to them. I've had a lot of lapses in memory lately and I lose my words. It's very frustrating and upsetting. The gym helps with getting the anger out. I almost cried at the gym the other week. Sometimes I wish I could and I wish it would be ok. Maybe I should go in the sauna and cry. There is this guy at the gym who i see like once a week. Didn't see him last week tho. He looks at me when he comes in. I've said hello to him before. Then he looks around until he finds me. I dont know if he's shy or what but i wish he'd say hi. It's kinda weird but he's a cutie. Tho i don't really want to talk to him again, what if I look like the weirdo?? My friends say times are changing and to go talk to him again he's prob shy.
There is this other guy. Colbie Caillat's song Never Told you is very appropriate "I miss those blue eyes, how you kiss me at night." I mean honestly I torture myself with him. My friends say cut him lose but he's intoxicating I just want more of him but he wont let me have him. The ass hole didn't see me for 4 months and by chance hehehe I ran into him and had a great night with him. I have a good time when I'm with him. I honestly don't know what goes through his head. If he regrets me. I mean if he wanted me he'd get in touch. I'm too old to be chasing him and to be frank i'm tired of it. It hurts to message him and he doesn't message back. If he doesn't know I want him by now then he's pretty dumb. I think I made it crystal ... I think he's been burned hard core. I have to tell you tho you don't get any more burned the a divorce. I'm trying to leave the past in the past and he really should too. Whatever if it's not meant to be. I really did have a great time tho. I haven't heard from him since. I tried to say a couple things via msn but nothing in response. Guess nothing says he cares a whole lot, eh? LIVE AND LET GO .... If nothing else I guess he's a beautiful memory. I can't hold hate in my heart but i definitely hold hurt and sadness for not being wanted yet again. Sometimes I wish I could be like some of my gf's be with a guy and when they don't want me find someone else and cut the last one lose. I'm not built that way. My heart needs to cry, it just doesn't know how.
Bella has been put up for sale. She's my car. My second car. I'm heartbroken. It's taken me so long to finally post her. I've been avoiding it. I bought her when I first moved to Canada. My ex and I got her together but she was mine. I have to get rid of her now because I have no money to support myself and my ex is no longer covering my insurance now that the divorce is done. I hope she sells for what i'm asking that would be the most awesome thing in the world right now. I'm so far behind on bills.
I'm putting on a brave face but I am so sad and lonely. I miss having a phone to call my friends when i need a pick me up. I miss working, getting out of the house, having bills paid on time, buying luxury things such as clothes and cheese lol. My mom might come visit for stampede which would be great. It's been almost a year since i've seen her. In fact next month it's a year. Tickets back home round trip are $250 USD which is freaking awesome i need to get on that. I want to go home for my b-day. I miss my friends and family. My friends here have been good to me. I don't see them enough tho. One just left me for the summer. Another just told me he may be leaving for some chick. Too soon if u ask me, but life is about risks right? I don't think i could ever move for a Man again. Maybe with a man but not for them. Relocation after relocation after relocation you just want to stay in one fucking spot. My lease is up end of Aug. Staying in this city and hopefully in the general area i'm in. Think i'll find a new roommate. I miss living with guys. Less moody, they don't use ur shit, you dont have to remember the chicks name they bring home lol u nick name them girl with trainers, conversations are better. Well no roommate would be better, tho sometimes the company is nice.
Is it sad that I type out my thoughts. The thoughts i wish I could share with everyone on pretty much an open diary? Whatever I don't really give a shit. 2010 has not been a good year so far. My horoscope for the year says to wear bright colors and I will be in a relationship by the end of spring. Well it's May ... guess this is my last month ... not getting my hopes up. I have my whole life to find love ... lets just hope my luck doesn't run out and my life doesn't randomly end. Am I depressing,,, maybe. Am I allowed to be. Yup! Cause it's my blog.
I've just been bummed since well for a long time. Sometimes I wish i could erase the memory of this guy "I see your blue eyes, every time I close mine" but then he made me feel again. Even tho he hurt me I felt passion for the first time in a long time. Just wish he felt it back. One day ... Maybe Mr. right is right around the corner?? I stopped looking. That's what they say to do right. I'm praying to the stars that my life will pick up. I have 3 mo's till my 25th b-day. Let's make 25 a good year!!! Live and LET GO ...