Taking a break from dating

I can't figure out how to close my pof. So I'm taking a break from it. I just went out with this guy named Brad. Not Brad the original Brad the II as I call him. You can't beat the original. I totally bailed on the date and he took me to a flames game. I felt so bad. I warned him I'm kinda skiddish. I don't like to be pressured. He turned out to not even be my type. I only saw a side profile pic. It was just a fucked up situation. I'm done dating tho.

I either get creeps or douche bags. This dude was both. I'm not going into detail. I wish I could figure out how to delete my stupid account. I don't have the energy for these games.

I had my two hour doctors apt today. It was extensive. We spent about 45min going over my health history. Then the other hour and a half doing a physical and talking about options. The apt went over 2hrs. It wasn't a regular physical. They test my reflexes, they test my flexibility. They rub cotton on my skin and poke me with a safety pin. I had my eyes ears and mouth checked. Did u know they make a marijuana pill. That's what the dr said. I didn't know that, that's interesting. I may need injections. I have to see the physio therapist the psychologist the social worker and the kinseolgist. Then in the new year I'll see my doctor again and they can determine the treatment they want to proceed with. It's pretty much process of elimination when it comes to medicine and treatment. They wont be able to get rid of the pain they are just trying to minimize it. I have a bunch of classes I have to go to too.

All I want is someone who can chill the fuck out. No preasure but someone who suits me. Just chill and relax with. I'm not looking anymore. I need a break. I'm still kinda bummed about Tim. I always think about Brad the original, not being with him. Just how fucked up a situation that was and remembering the times I enjoyed. They all run through my mind. Tim and Shawn were by far the sweetest. Tim was more real tho. It wasn't awkward with him. He's such a dick. I haven't tried to talk to him. There isn't any point in tripping on him. I've wanted to text him good thing I deleted him. Brad the original, I wanted to talk to him too he's deleted but I remember his phone number. I figure I'll forget eventually. For some reason I'm his friend on MSN I don't even know how that happened. I mean he was on my msn but he wasn't a friend b4. Life is so weird.

My friend and her bf of 4yrs broke up today. It made me so sad. I cried a little. She asked me how I coped after my divorce. I told her I didn't eat for a week. I hardly slept and I read the twilight saga. Book 2 was such a bitch to read, it made it harder. I told her after I finished that book I realized I needed someone who really loves me in my life. I hope she'll be ok. I just want her to feel better. I feel other peoples pain when they are hurting. I just wish I could help.

Anyway I've been in agony the cold is killing me oh and get this something else is wrong with me the doctor cant remember what she called it but I get cold hands and feet. Something to do with poor circulation.

I'm going to eat the oatmeal my roommate is making me then I'm going to pass out.

I can't do it anymore

These are the most recent photos of me taken today. I wanted to see what my body looks like. If you haven't noticed I'm not shy and I think if people can be in bikini photos then I can put a pic of me up in my bra and underwear for weightloss result purposes. So .. now to important things.

I can't do it anymore. I can't deal with the emotional turmoil. I deleted them ... All the pricks that have fucked and chucked me or ever ignored me from my phone. Jamie, Brad, Shawn, and Tim. I went through my facebook and deleted everyone that has added me and played games. They know my phone number if they want to talk. I'm done. I deleted some of the old cop friends I had in Okotoks who never bothered to stay in contact. I also deleted people who were once friends that have done me wrong. I still don't feel free tho.

My Father called today. I was actually getting annoyed cause it had been a few days and he said he would call me back that night. I almost texted him to be like "thanks for remembering me dad." However today he's like "sry, forgot to call u back." my response "yah, I know, I was gunna give you shit." anyway he was giving me a hard time about being disabled. Also for some other shit that I don't want to talk about on here. Whatever I told him I wish I could work full time. Believe me I miss my 2g a month salary. I miss being able to buy what I wanted when I wanted. Now I have to budget how much money goes for my basic needs to survive.

On a very great note I fit into an XL hoodie woohoo. I'm starting to fit into regular shit YAY! I got to hang out with the chick I've been spending time with. She's good to talk to. So as usual I've been hurting all day. Off to bed. Gotta be up early. Yay public transport (actually not too bad, just the idea of -15 and transit that gets me).

"When it rains it pours and opens doors"

So my breaks cut out on me yesterday. I'm thanking god I made it home alive. My break line burst, my callipers are gone, break pads. Safe to say Scarlett is going to be sold for parts :( which is probably for the best seeing as my fuel gauge and speedometer are fucked. The whole electrical system is gone. I'd love to keep her and take her apart and rebuild her engine but lets face it I need the money and I don't know what the hell I'm doing. Fortunately I do have a few buddy's who know a thing or two about cars.

So I have a thing about sexy cars with sweet body kits. I saw my dream car yesterday and it was only 8g. Couldn't even tell u the make or model but I looked at her and I wanted her. She was this awesome blue color interior matched, bucket seats, right hand drive, manual with a sweet deck. *Drool I think I get my car thing from Johnny. He was this guy I hung out with when I was a teenager I used to go to the races with him and check out sweet cars. Before he got his license he had a car so he let me drive it around. Sweet tricked out Honda with a sweet sound system, always blastin techno and trance.

I'm trying not to be angry about my circumstances and to see the positive. When one door closes another one opens. I'm trying not to be pissed at Tim. I will not yell at him, I will not yell at him... So I keep telling myself. I really fucking hate when dudes do that. Just fucking stop talking to you. I think he knew I wanted more then a FB type thing. All he had to do was be honest. I really could use more guy friends. I miss hanging out with dudes. They make me laugh. Plus having straight guy friends give me opinions on other dudes is very much appreciated. Last night I soo wanted to message Tim but what did I do instead. I messaged Brad when I was drunk and said something along the lines of "You're now my man guru, I need advice?!" FUCK ME! Then I had the need to apologies "I'm sorry, I'm being dumb ignore that." Oh and I messaged Frank but he's pretty funny. He called me yesterday first time mind you. Call display didn't tell me it was him I was like who is this? You called me?! He's like I think I called u but now u have me second guessing myself. I was like who am I speaking to? He's like oh it's Frank. I just laughed. He's like u shouldn't ask so many questions right away it throws a person off. I was telling him about my theory of how if I don't click with someone we can be friends. He's like it's not really like that tho. I was like ur telling me. I try and stay someones friend and they just dont care. It's ok men are dumb (didn't say that to him).

Why is it when we know the answer to something we need to get everyone elses opinion on it? Why can't we just admit the truth to ourselves. I was upset after Tim left last time cause It felt like it was the last time I was going to see him and oh guess what so far it has been.

Ok tell me why, when a man pays interest to us women, we automatically think we like him? When the truth is we don't even know him and he's probably annoying as fuck? Lets face it sex means nothing these days. IT SHOULD THO!!!! Just because u sleep with someone it's not a reason to justify your feelings.

I always worry when they leave that it was because I wasn't good enough. That I'm not pretty enough. That they saw me naked and thought I looked gross. When I look at myself naked, I don't think I look beautiful. When I leave my house in my sweats with no makeup on and hair in a crazy bun I'm vulnerable, I don't want people looking at me or talking to me. When I leave my house dressed up, I feel confident and I want people to talk to me. Tho I hate when a dude who I have no interest in talks to me. I think I'm kinda of a bitch then. I really hate drunk annoying people when I'm sober.

I got a call back from the regional marketing director. She's sending some info off to the personal training marketing group. The CEO also responded to my email. He e-mailed the VP of marketing. I was so excited yesterday. I really want to make a difference. Yesterday I was talking to a woman who works out at the gym, she has a personal trainer and I asked how it was going and how much weight she's lost. I told her about the weight I lost and she said she had heard. Her trainer told her and she said to her client she couldn't believe I did it on my own. I told her I have two disabilities I don't want my weight to be a third and hold me back anymore. If you can dream it you can achieve it.

I will be going back to Body Combat again. I've already talked to my Manager about switching up my hours. So here is the goal. MON, TUE WED, cardio in the morning I do a min of an hr Cardio and some weight training. WED afternoon is Body Flow (yoga, thai chi, and pilates) THUR is BODY COMBAT (MMA) and FRI is Pilates. If I'm not hurting too bad I'll try and get more of a cardio workout in in the mornings on WED, FRI. I know I'm building more core strength. When I bend over on the sides of my stomach u can see where It's supposed to be. I get all hyped up when I notice my body changing. I mean other people notice but it's harder when U look at yourself to notice. Pictures help me out a lot. I'm working on strengthening my arms as well. Pull ups, push ups. I know my core is stronger because I can hold myself up on the machine where u bring your knees to your chest. The new way I learned to do push ups is going to help a lot. Try a crocodile push up... crazy stuff.

It feels good to be shrinking into smaller sizes tho my wallet can't afford to upgrade my clothes. I have to tell u how annoying it is to work out in loose clothes. It's time for some new stuff. My new routine wont start this next week, but I'm hoping the week after. This week I have doctors appointments and what not. I will still be working out tho just not on my routine that I want. OMG i saw the cutest shoes at walmart I want them. Fuck this stupid chick obsession with shoes. It's so dumb lol.

Anyway, I'm going to try and nurse this hangover before I try and figure out public transport lol. Fuck I'm so gunna get lost lol. If I told u about my public transport stories in England then u'd know. Stupid trains!

Hope you all have a great weekend!

Thanking God

When things are going so bad I just have to thank god that they aren't any worse. I lost my necklace. I've had that necklace since '01 it's religion in unity. I'm gutted.

My roommate is moving to BC in a month and a half for school. I have no idea what I'm going to do. I can't afford to take over his deposit and he's good with letting me pay him half the rent each pay check (cheque).

I got pulled over today. Apparently my reg is expired. That wasn't my only problem but she was awesome and let me off. The thing I've learned with cops is that you just need to be honest. It's bullshitting that gets u in trouble ... you know what?! I was pulled over November '03 too and I was let off then too. That cop he was cool too. I was a pathetic mess.

I'm a firm believer in telling the truth. I hate lying. I hate liars. If I don't want to answer a question I will either say it's none of ur concern or divert the question. Tho usualy I'll answer, I don't have secrets I'm an open book. I'll tell u anything u want to know.

So for more upbeat news ... I contacted the regional marketing director for the west coast (lady I met the day I got to speak in front of everyone) and she's gunna let me be a part of their advertising. Don't know what that entails. My club uses me to sell. Someone wants to loose weight they have me meet them so I can tell them my story. Or they tell them about me. We actually are putting up pictures of me up in the club. Before, mid point, now and then progress pics. Which I think is pretty cool. I actually like telling them, they always ask how I did it. I laugh every time ... diet and exercise... who knew haha.

I'm trying to unwind. Cotton mouth and cornbread, not the smartest combo haha.

So my medical treatment starts next week. I have a seminar next week. The week after I have a two hour doctors apt. The week after that I have a 2 hour physio appointment. Then Dec 23 I have a Psychology appointment. Their going to help me cope with being sick, I'm having a hard time with acceptance. I go through the grieving stages over and over; my mom is a therapist and if ur from Cali u've probably had a therapist or you should get one LOL! I actually hate therapists no offense to anyone just my personal preference. I'd tell u why my mom put me in therapy when I was 8 but it's so dumb and it only half worked. I always take the piss.

I wonder what this weekend has in store for me. Who knows but I sure do hope it's a good one.

I have to head to bed. Another early start tomorrow. Tho I'm working early so I can go to the combat class. I was watching this instructors baby in child minding. She's so gunna kick my ass. She's lucky I'm going hahaha. I keep seeing the babies get bigger and bigger. The kids I used to watch run up to me and give me big hugs. Some of the moms are surprised because their kids are usually very apprehensive with other people. I'm great with kids. Adults piss me off tho. You should hear the story about what the hot dude did on saturday. I was this close to, well if u know me when I talk very calmly and slow with an evil look on my that means i'm pissed. People never fuck with me when I have that pissed face. Oh brad did once haha he's lucky.

So I was sitting on Tim I think and he's got a bit of an aggressive side. He likes to start shit with people. Men and their egos hey? Doesn't help that he's a leo. Leo Leo combo that can't be good. So I was telling him about me taking boxing and self defense and some other stuff so he fakes smacks me around. I wasn't even expecting that. It wasn't rough or anything I was just kinda surprised I think I may have had a quick pause to process it and decided I wouldn't have to kick his ass lol. Something tells me he could take me.

I still think about Brad... I think about Bryan sometimes. I was so sad when I went back home and couldn't find him. It was even harder to hear that he lied to me the year before and he hadn't gotten clean. Drugs have taken over. When I lived there I had someone try and sell to me at a red light. I politely declined "I don't buy drugs from strangers" LOL. Anyway Bryan was important to me so like Brad I check up on him. Hard to stay in contact with an addict tho. He did for a good few months after I saw him last.

I tried to text my biological father yesterday. I don't think I've spoken to him since Fathers Day and he was supposed to call me back. I wish I was more important to him. I haven't seen him in like 12 or 13 years. Funny tho, I've never had a problem with talking openly with him. Apparently my brother gave him shit when he found out I was bi. Whatever I'm sure he's gotten over it by now.

Ok off to sleep, enough randomness for tonight. Can u tell my mind just goes one thing to the next?

What a year...

A year ago I was such a completly different person then I am now. What a crazy year it's been, but I worked my ass off. I'm halfway to my final goal weight. Hell Yah! And damn I think I'm looking pretty good. I'd date me lol.

This time last year I had taken a break from Jamie, I met Brad and then Jamie came back. That was confusing. I just left my job for medical reasons.

This time this year... new career path, getting healthy. New men and women in my life. New friends ... Lets see what the next year has in store for me ... stay tuned

"I'm not the type to get my heart broken.. I'm not the type to get upset and cry.. Cause I never leave my heart open.. Never hurts me to say goodbye"

So let's update.

I hit 236 this week. 9 pounds till i hit my goal of 85lbs and 23 till I hit my 100lb mark. HELL YEAH!! My morning workouts this week freaking rocked. I ran on the treadmill at a speed of 6.2. I have to do intervals because I haven't figured out how to run and breath at the same time. No joke. I try breathing but I'm not getting enough air. Oh and I was advised to run barefoot, it works man so much easier except the blisters the treadmill gives you. I also did my pilates class on Fri. I love my job. My friend was there working out with her other friend on the bike. I was walking to the front desk for something. So I went over to her and checked out the resistance she was doing on the bike. Hahaha I'm such an ass hole. "You're not going hard enough" So of course I pushed the button to up her resistance. She thought that working on the bike was only for her legs. I had to explain that it obviously helps tone your legs but it's cardio which causes u to loose weight. She didn't know that so she upped her resistance even more lol. I love helping people.

Guess who fit into her goal jeans today WOOT WOOT! I think they'll fit even better when I hit the 85lb mark. I've had these baby phat jeans for forever. I bought them knowing they wouldn't fit and I kept them cause I knew I would be able to fit into them.

Tim, I like him but not sure if were just fb's or what?! Seeing how it goes. He's supposed to be round tn. Bound to be good times.

I actually went out with this chick yesterday. She's beautiful and we clicked. Love when that happens. Easy to talk to, we have a lot in common. We'll be hanging out again. Actually tomorrow lol.

I went to dinner party at a friends house Fri it consisted of The doctor who delivered her baby and the nursing staff. It was pretty cool. I made some new friends. Got invited to another party. My friend gave me the whiskey they brought her cause she doesn't drink. LOVE FREE WHISKEY. On Friday everyone at work gave me their number. We were gunna go dancing at the cage. Love that place. Only the one on Heritage tho, the one off 16th is gay. This girl at work is gunna teach me more dance moves. She used to be pro. So I'm stoked. The benefit of being such a nice person is that everyone wants to kick it with me.

The girl yesterday. She's like I'm good at reading people and you're very easy going. Ok I gotta go. I have to meet some old friends today can't wait. I'm still happy and I'm not tripping over dudes anymore. I expect them to leave, the one that sticks around that'll be a surprise.

To My Readers

HOLY SHIT! I just looked at the stats for my blog and it's been viewed all over the world. Thanks for reading guys you're awesome! I love comments so feel free!!! LOL