A lot on my mind and then my mind goes blank ... shit

So last week I got down to 253.8 60 Pounds lost. Then went out with my girlie fri for dinner then gf's bday sat and oh now 256.6 lovely jubbly ugh! It's ok, I just need better self control when I'm out. Or Party in lol. Have to step it up at the gym this week to an hr and 20 min of cardio. If this week doesn't kill me then I know i can do the hr and a half next week. Going to add treadmill in this week. It's hard for me with my fucked up ankle. However if I want to hit that running goal by winter i need to get crackin and push through the pain. I also have a few other goals by winter. Such as pull ups ... this evil crunch machine where u have to use ur own body weight, I did 5 lol. Then there is another abdominal exercise where u hold yourself up and bring your legs to your chest. I want to be able to do that one. Going to try and work harder on my upper body too. Arms are not impressing me in the least bit, I'm not going to beat myself up I'm still kick ass. My goal for July 30th is 227 however if I can smash through it and hit 213 then I will have lost 100 pounds in a yr and 5 months in time for my 25th b-day and that would be so awesome.

I'm still sick. I'm in a lot of pain today. I've been trying to get organized. I can't find some very important papers and i don't remember what happened to them. I've had a lot of lapses in memory lately and I lose my words. It's very frustrating and upsetting. The gym helps with getting the anger out. I almost cried at the gym the other week. Sometimes I wish I could and I wish it would be ok. Maybe I should go in the sauna and cry. There is this guy at the gym who i see like once a week. Didn't see him last week tho. He looks at me when he comes in. I've said hello to him before. Then he looks around until he finds me. I dont know if he's shy or what but i wish he'd say hi. It's kinda weird but he's a cutie. Tho i don't really want to talk to him again, what if I look like the weirdo?? My friends say times are changing and to go talk to him again he's prob shy.

There is this other guy. Colbie Caillat's song Never Told you is very appropriate "I miss those blue eyes, how you kiss me at night." I mean honestly I torture myself with him. My friends say cut him lose but he's intoxicating I just want more of him but he wont let me have him. The ass hole didn't see me for 4 months and by chance hehehe I ran into him and had a great night with him. I have a good time when I'm with him. I honestly don't know what goes through his head. If he regrets me. I mean if he wanted me he'd get in touch. I'm too old to be chasing him and to be frank i'm tired of it. It hurts to message him and he doesn't message back. If he doesn't know I want him by now then he's pretty dumb. I think I made it crystal ... I think he's been burned hard core. I have to tell you tho you don't get any more burned the a divorce. I'm trying to leave the past in the past and he really should too. Whatever if it's not meant to be. I really did have a great time tho. I haven't heard from him since. I tried to say a couple things via msn but nothing in response. Guess nothing says he cares a whole lot, eh? LIVE AND LET GO .... If nothing else I guess he's a beautiful memory. I can't hold hate in my heart but i definitely hold hurt and sadness for not being wanted yet again. Sometimes I wish I could be like some of my gf's be with a guy and when they don't want me find someone else and cut the last one lose. I'm not built that way. My heart needs to cry, it just doesn't know how.

Bella has been put up for sale. She's my car. My second car. I'm heartbroken. It's taken me so long to finally post her. I've been avoiding it. I bought her when I first moved to Canada. My ex and I got her together but she was mine. I have to get rid of her now because I have no money to support myself and my ex is no longer covering my insurance now that the divorce is done. I hope she sells for what i'm asking that would be the most awesome thing in the world right now. I'm so far behind on bills.

I'm putting on a brave face but I am so sad and lonely. I miss having a phone to call my friends when i need a pick me up. I miss working, getting out of the house, having bills paid on time, buying luxury things such as clothes and cheese lol. My mom might come visit for stampede which would be great. It's been almost a year since i've seen her. In fact next month it's a year. Tickets back home round trip are $250 USD which is freaking awesome i need to get on that. I want to go home for my b-day. I miss my friends and family. My friends here have been good to me. I don't see them enough tho. One just left me for the summer. Another just told me he may be leaving for some chick. Too soon if u ask me, but life is about risks right? I don't think i could ever move for a Man again. Maybe with a man but not for them. Relocation after relocation after relocation you just want to stay in one fucking spot. My lease is up end of Aug. Staying in this city and hopefully in the general area i'm in. Think i'll find a new roommate. I miss living with guys. Less moody, they don't use ur shit, you dont have to remember the chicks name they bring home lol u nick name them girl with trainers, conversations are better. Well no roommate would be better, tho sometimes the company is nice.

Is it sad that I type out my thoughts. The thoughts i wish I could share with everyone on pretty much an open diary? Whatever I don't really give a shit. 2010 has not been a good year so far. My horoscope for the year says to wear bright colors and I will be in a relationship by the end of spring. Well it's May ... guess this is my last month ... not getting my hopes up. I have my whole life to find love ... lets just hope my luck doesn't run out and my life doesn't randomly end. Am I depressing,,, maybe. Am I allowed to be. Yup! Cause it's my blog.

I've just been bummed since well for a long time. Sometimes I wish i could erase the memory of this guy "I see your blue eyes, every time I close mine" but then he made me feel again. Even tho he hurt me I felt passion for the first time in a long time. Just wish he felt it back. One day ... Maybe Mr. right is right around the corner?? I stopped looking. That's what they say to do right. I'm praying to the stars that my life will pick up. I have 3 mo's till my 25th b-day. Let's make 25 a good year!!! Live and LET GO ...

60 min of Cardio

So I stepped up my game ... 60 min of Cardio burning over 500 calories. 30 min elliptical 30 min bike. It's killer. I keep getting this pain on the right side of my stomach. I need to find that xray paper my doctor gave me lol before I collapse or something bah! If it's not one thing it's the next. I'm sure it cant be an organ it must be like a muscle or hernia or something i don't know. Hurts like a mother tho and I've made bruises from pushing so hard where it hurts. It will not stop me!! I'm on a mission. 258.2 td. ... 31 pounds to go by July 30th. I can do this!

So some guy at a pub wanted me this weekend. That was a first. It was so funny. I got this new purple halter top. I walked past these guy and one said I wonder how much she paid for those. I said to my roommate was that guy talking about my tits she's like i thought he was talking about my pants. I was like why would he be talking about your pants??! Any way so this other guy was staring at our table again my roommate noticed cause me i think everyone stares lol. I was like who's he looking at she's like i don't know. Turns out he was looking at me. So i ask the waitress to give him a note with my e-mail. Guy e-mails me and wants to hook up. Seeing as that's not the kinda girl I am, I shot him down. However this NEVER happens to me and I was flattered lol.

So I'm going to this club on Sat with my girls and I'm thinking about asking this guy if he wants to come casually but i'm such a retarded spaz, I don't know if he'll come or not. He's the cutie that works at my gym. Can't hurt to try right. I mean how are people supposed to make new friends?? This world is so complicated!! No smoking I've done awesome. Still losing weight. Still moody as fuck. Had a dream i kicked someones ass with a lunch tray last night lol. Can we say fucked!! I don't even know anymore. So stoked about going out sat woot party and my new outfit is hot especially since i fit into my old jeans! A little self conscious about my new top. I was going to buy a little half cardigan but i cant afford it. Seriously hoping my tax return comes before friday. Oh and I lost my job last fri. Lovely :( I was supposed to be on a leave of absence for medical reasons. Tossers, I don't even know what their reason Is i just got some paper with random numbers on it. My friend had to explain it to me grr!

Whatever ... Summers almost here and it's going to be awesome cause I LOVE THE SUN !!! CAUSE I'M A SUMMER CHILD YO! Yah i'm a loser whatevs peace out

Mood Swings are further pissing me off

Depressing people are depressing me further. Last week I was in a pretty great mood. I've hardly missed going to the gym which is awesome. It's cheering me up. Exercise is making me feel good. I mean don't get me wrong still in soo much pain. Right now I'm dying, it hurts so bad. I'm trying to motivate myself to get out of bed to go to the gym, that and pick up some fruit is all I have to do today. Also trying to avoid smoking today. Which I can already tell is going to be a challenge. I've already managed to annoy my best friend. Which is fine. He's been just as moody as I have, so I'm just going to brush it off he'll get over it and so will I. It's how we work. I'm just pissy about it at the moment.

I'm in one of those moods where i want to flick everyone in the forehead and I haven't even seen a single person today lol. The idea of it makes me smile tho lol. I talked to this hot guy who works at the gym. Nice guy. I've been told I'm going to his step class tho I made it clear I HATE STEP! Prepare for a miserable me in your step class I'll go but I wont like it lol. He's lucky he's hot. It's more the fact that step is difficult for me and pushing me out of my comfort zone. It'll be embarrassing, but it's me and I never give up when something is difficult. I have a goal and I'll get there. Plus think thighs of steel lol. Long way to go but i'll get there.

T- 50 Pounds YAY!!

So I Finally lost 50 pounds 263 YAY. 35 pounds to go and I'm at the weight I was before I got married. I'm officially divorced. Weight off my shoulder. Granted I'm broke as fuck so behind in bills and living in denial so i can keep my sanity. Haha. However the fact that I have managed to achieve this goal is a big thing and it will help my health which will over all help me live longer. I went to see an occupational therapist about stress management so I don't freak out on people and have emotional break downs. I'll see her again.

I haven't been up to too much except concentrating on weight loss. I have guys on the brain. Of course. I wish I was psychic and could mind read it would make life so much easier. I would go more into depth but i don't know who's reading this these days and I seem to have gotten slightly more paranoid lol. I also think i'm losing my marbles and may be going slightly insane but seeing as all my friends are losing their minds too I feel ok about it haha they said it not me. I'm starting to loosen up a bit and I'm optimistic. No matter what seems to go wrong in my life something is going to go right because it's life and I can't do shit about it!! So cheers let's drink to that weather it be water or a shot!!

In a good mood

So wow last post did i seem bitter and pissed. Lol. I haven't been sleeping great so i've been kinda cranky.

This week I've had my ups and downs but there is a party sat and I'm looking forward to it. This week I've been concentrating on me. I've scheduled my next nutritionist apt cause I haven't seen her in nearly 5 mo's. I've arranged to go to that class for sick people. So I can meet other people who are struggling too, and maybe get some positive advice and techniques to cope. MRI results back, they are all clear so I don't know what the neurologist will say. She did warn me they might not find anything and there is a possibility of physical therapy. I just want to go back to work soon. I miss having my decent income and money to spend freely. I have been having more fun and trying to get out. I called the guidance councelor at my old school and spoke to him about my grades and getting a copy of my transcripts. I have some things to sort out there but fingers crossed I can sort everything out and go back to school. I'm seriously interested in a nutrition degree. What we fuel our bodies with makes a big difference on how we function. Seriously if you don't eat healthy try it for a week or two then eat one meal of junk food. Guarantee you wont feel as good.

Anyhow point is I'm cheerful today. I got a massage and saw my fav masseur and he rocks. He's hysterical and my back feels soo much better. Today is a good day and I'm pretty chipper. Feel kinda bad for my corner store chick she had some heart break last night.

Fucked by the whole world

Trust ... Trust No One! How can you when no matter what you do you get fucked over? Sex is easy, relationships are hard. I want sex to mean something.

Have you ever been betrayed by the people closest to you? Family, close friends, roommate? I have. Have you ever been kicked while your down and continue to get kicked year after fucking year? I have. Maybe my problem is the people I have in my life. What If I saved and saved and saved, then left everyone behind to start my own life. The life I want, the life I deserve. The memories of the past to be gone because I will be a different person?

I want to be fit, successful, confident, happy. If I count on no one but myself how can I be let down? I'm tired of being hurt, sad, sick, broke, fat, used. I have a lot of anger and hurt inside. I just want one person I can count on for the rest of my life. Sometimes I think I don't want children. Why would I want to bring them into a world where all of this exists? I'm angry and bitter tonight obviously. I have been going on walks this week. I've really enjoyed them. Just me, music and nature. FREEDOM!!!! Do I trust the people who once hurt me the most? Do I trust them not to let me fall? No I don't. I'm not going to say too much because tho I like to think my blog is read by people who know me and care, it will prob be read by people who know me but don't care and misinterpret what I have to say or think what I'm saying is fucked up. Honestly right now I don't give a shit.

I would talk about the new guy more but there isn't much to say yet, we had a good date, enjoyed some good laughs, he's funny and seems easy going and blunt. I'm not going to read too much into anything these days. Who knows where life is going to take me ... hopefully to my masseuse cause my back is killing me. I've let loose a little bit. It's fun however I hate having to babysit my friends when they chose to get carried away. Oh and if one more person says how nice I of a person I am I may just kick them in the crotch to prove them wrong. I am a nice person but people take advantage of that and they can fuck off.

Ps. I'm still broke and living off of Oranges, cereal, toast and water for the most part. Should help the weight loss lol. Oh and not to discredit the people who are good to me in this life ... i just wonder if and when they will fuck me over too. I wish I could trust someone ... on that note, goodnight.

Remembering to stay up to date

So I have loads of free time on my hands. When I'm not sleeping lol. The MRI has been booked for the end of feb which is great. Next Neurologist appointment is mid March I think st patty's day, maybe lol. So oddly enough last post I said I wanted to meet my ex's gf. Well there I am at blockbusters just paying for my movies and who do I notice across the room only because of his shoes lol (we never got that far in the clothes lessons, however we may have mastered socks with sandals) :P. Anyhow I go over and say hi, he told me his gf was there so I got the opportunity to meet her. She seems like a very nice woman, very outgoing like I am. I mean I knew she had to be nice. She's beautiful too. I'm very happy for them both. Just heard this quote on an MSN dating thing "Dating means never having to negotiate" It was written by a man but i think us ladies should apply some of these philosophies. Why do men get to run the show?

I don't understand the whole dating thing. I missed out on a lot of fundamental information having been the fat chick in high school with Muslim parents who was retarded when it comes to appearance (still working on that one lol). I call my frumpy days my celebrity in disguise look haha. Most days are celebrity in disguise day. Then getting married at a young age (by choice not by religion). Point of this story is I am retarded for not looking after my best interests and denial should not be an option. Lesson also learned date someone before you sleep with them. I'm an idiot. However Shit Happens.

I think last night/early this morning I found something I haven't found in a while. Despite how poorly I feel. Anyway what I found was ME lol. I felt creative this morning and happy. I wanted to draw and sing and dance. I wanted to go to the gym and quit smoking. I only smoked 3/4 of a cigarette today. Craving one right now lol. Went to the gym for a little bit. Tried to dance to a song at home but got tired. In fact I'm exhausted right now. Just taking it as it comes. I might try and draw if I'm feeling OK. My driving has been awful since I've been sick. I'm going to have to stop myself from driving. That sucks.

I'm trying to get back on track for my weight loss. Falling off the wagon sucks. Fortunately I have been monitoring my weight closely so i don't gain much. I want to be more active though and I forgot lol. I want to start having fun. I want to let loose a little bit. I want to feel better. I want to hike, bike, skate, rock climb, zip line; that would be fun if i can concur my fear of heights. Camp, river raft, tubing, sailing, the list goes on and on. I'm way off target for my weight loss by about 25 pounds. I'm hoping i can make it up with the exercise. I need some meditation. Some rain and inscents. I might try and take some of the classes offered at the gym while i'm not working. On days that i feel half decent. The pain meds aren't helping :(. I feel like a test subject. Well anyway that's my exciting adventures of my life in the last few days haha. Oh and I talked to my friend from Japan. That was nice he still has to call me back.