Fuck fuck fuck.
My real dad called today...
He's like "I know you're mad at me for not calling, when I said I'd call you back last time." Fortunately for him I didn't write it in my calendar so I have no idea when that was. Tho he didn't call me on Christmas so I gave him shit. Not a lot tho. He's going through a hard time with his wife getting chemo and my brothers giving him grief. I swear my parents are chronically depressed. Both of them cant wait to die. It's messed. I guess in a way I'm the same. Mines really more cause I'm tired of suffering in pain, I just want it to end. I've barely been able to leave bed today. I'm in so much pain. Peeing is a chore. I'm not sleeping. I had a nightmare about Carrie the other night that caused me to gasp and jump out of bed. Scared the shit out of myself to be honest. I think I woke myself up. The less sleep I have the more pain I'm in.
Pof- I wasn't going to go on there because I wanted to show Tim that I don't sleep around. Cause I don't. My gf is like "He doesn't care, he just wants to fuck." Honestly I changed my pic and my bio but that's it. I don't really want to see anyone new. I cant deal with that shit right now. Now is not the time to date new people.
Why is it when I get what I want, I'm still not really getting what I want?
Ben... fuck so I avoided his call so many times he gave my number to someone so they could text me. I hate when he does that and random bitches call me, I was like " Please inform him my best friend just died in a car accident, my moms really sick and going for surgery and I cant deal with anything else right now. I also have a boyfriend." I don't have a bf but I just want him to leave me the hell alone.
So I put this status on fb and I get a jealous text from a buddy of mine that I never slept with. WTF?!?! Question after question. What's this about all these guys hitting you up? Are you sleeping around? Are you seeing someone? They hit you up and did what? I told him I don't sleep around and I was like nosey, dont you have sex? He's like I'm just buggin you silly... No you effing weren't u were getting territorial, but he has a temper and I really wasn't in the mood to argue with him.
Then another buddy who I've never slept with hit me up...
I didn't even provoke any of this. I don't flirt with people, they come to me. If I do flirt it's me joking and making my friends laugh. Go up to a dude and say "Sup, how u doin?" and I do like this little head nod like I'm a black dude and I just saw a fine ass woman. They think it's funny.
My mom's like "I think men have a mating season we don't know about." She's so funny.
Maybe I'm in heat and I don't know it, all these strays are coming around.
Good thing I'm not a skank otherwise I could pull a train lmao.
In all seriousness, what the hell am I doing? There's a hole in the pit of my stomach I feel so empty, sex doesn't fill the void. It's momentary gratification. What I need is for someone to really be there for me. Someone to hold me. Someone to help me get through this pain. I'm not gunna lie, I cant do it alone anymore. Its getting harder and harder to pull myself together.
Friends don't fill this void. I still go home alone at night, and I don't sleep...
I'll be really busy soon with school, doctors and volunteering. I hope that helps.