Sunday, December 4, 2011


Every time I wake up and there's snow. I just wanna roll over into someones arms. Make him breakfast. Spend the day cuddling watching movies on the couch in front of the fireplace.

Then cook him dinner, he helps and wraps his arms around me while doing a little slow dance in the kitchen.

Romantic. I've never experienced romance.

I always think about the morning Tim woke up with me. I always wonder what it would be like to spend time with him again. If he's what I thought he was. I always hope one day he'll show up at my door. Whenever I see a black truck, whenever i drive down Edmonton trail, whenever I see someone in construction gear, I think of you.

Dumb to think about him so much, I only knew him for a month. Over a year ago.

I think If I had someone it wouldn't be an issue, but when I'm single I tend to analyze the past a lot.

The good memories hurt too, just reminds me of what I lost. Listen to this song

It's from "The Brave One" sound track. It made me so sad. She was engaged and in love. They got mugged in the park. He was killed and she was beaten so bad she was in a coma for weeks. The scene where they showed her and her fiance making love, and then she lost him. Reminds you of all the pain you've had.

It's hard to let myself cry. I can appear to be completely emotionless for months but eventually it comes out.  Probably cried for a good 20min.

I tried to talk to the primary care giver I was referring to when I was talking to my therapist about what her and I had spoken about. It's hard talking to the person who hurt you the most about what they did. It's not the first time, but it's hard when they try to justify their reasoning. It's not justifiable, I forgave you but I never forgot.

Not the last time but the time before my therapist had asked me what keeps me pushing through the hard times, what keeps me going? I had to take that one home and mull it over. My answer was this "I want the life I deserve. I'm determined to have it" When my best friend back home tells people about me he cries. He's seen my whole life and all he tells people is she's been through so much but she keeps going.

My skin has been hurting for the last two weeks. If someone was to move a strand of hair off of my face, it would hurt. Of course i forget and i rub my eyes and oh yah it hurts. Shower is painful. The joys of my life.

I think I'm gunna go shovel my neighbors walk way, she's blind and her husband is elderly. Amazing to see them together. How much they love eachother.

Ben tried to call me yesterday. Friday I lost it on him and her. I spent the majority of my day in court waiting to see his trial. First time ever at court. I spent time listening to everyone elses case. There are some crazy ass mother fuckers in the world who like to beat the shit out of women. Heard some scary stories. One chick had to escape out the basement window while leaving her kids in the house with him, run to the neighbors and call the cops. One dude showe'd up on his ex's camping trip. Went in her tent and hit her in the face a couple times.

Anyway, turns out my ex friend over exaggerated on the first police statement because she wanted to get him in trouble. Then she amended it but it still wasn't the truth, so she amended it again. She may be charged with perjury. Fuckin serves her right. Then she acts all lovey dovey with him. I met Ben's friend. Another chick he attempted to date but never slept with. Smart woman. We compared notes. There's a lot we didn't know about him. Anyway I was pissed. Ben likes to run his mouth and cause problems. Which is why I cant talk to him about shit. He runs back to the ex friend and tells her. When she gets off the phone with him she calls me.

So she calls to see if I said something to him cause he said I said it. I Lost it. I was like I'm tired of this he said she said bullshit. I'm done I dont need this shit. I want my clothes back. He called. Then he was yelling at me. He said why are you lying. I wasnt, stupid piece of shit. I had forgotten what I was talking about as usual so I asked. What were we talking about? He knows i have a bad memory. He's like what, are you fucking stupid, gunna blame it on your illness again? I was saying something he's like blah blah blah. I screamed said I was fucking done with this shit and hung up on his ass in Jail.

So yesterday he tries to call. I missed the one early in the day. He tried to call after 10 which was weird. I thought they were on lock down after a certain time. I fell asleep with my phone in my hand cause it was on vibrate. He called, vibrating woke me up but startled me and I pushed the wrong button on the phone and disconnected the call lol. Fate intervening?

If I answer it and he yells, I'm going to block his ass next time he calls. I don't need his shit. He's good for nothing anyway. What a psycho.

So this guy on POF messages me this morning "$100 bucks for the panties you're currently wearing." Fucking sicko.

I have a few guys I'm talking to who seem interested and are looking for a relationship.I was asked on 3 dates today. Turned them all down. All cute.  Blah, I cant be asked. All I've wanted was to go on a date. I'm in a mood this weekend. I'm tired of putting myself out there only to get shit on. I'm determined not to sleep with someone I'm not dating. It's pointless. That's what vibrators are for.

Anyway shall try not to spend the day as depressed as I was yesterday.

You know I have no life when I post on here frequently. My bff's, one got back with her ex so he takes up her time. The other one just got her own place and got the dogs from her ex and has a bf. Safe to say I spend a lot of time alone these days. I cant wait to start school.

My new roommates cool. We stay out of eachothers way. He spends most of his time playing video games or watchin sports. I love the new battlefield.  We have cable and two pvrs. I never watch tv. Waste of life watching other people live. I do like movies tho.

Just rambling now. Had to clear my head and write it all down. Today will be a better day.

No comments: