Growing tired of myself

So I got tired of reading all my blog posts that are exactly the same. So I took most of them that happened in the last year off.

So just a quick overview.


So Aug last year I gave up on Brad which was good timing. Sept Shawn came back, and left again, random. October there was Tim, the cute charming 23yr old from New Brunswick. Loved the accent. I love east coasters. Didn't stick around for more then a month. He woulda been a keeper. Of course I obsessed over Brad Shawn and mostly Tim. Oh Tim.

October I hit 230lbs wohoo. Talked at a convention held by the owner of GL fitness. Where I was working at the time, pt, sorting out my health. November pretty sure that's when I hit my -85lb weight loss weighing in at 227. Marriage baggage over. I believe November I started at the Chronic Pain Centre. My car also crapped out. December I had lunch with my ex husband and his gf so they could apologise for the way they treated me. Whatever past is in the past. It's history for a reason. Got my beautiful white Christmas dress that my friends bought me for hitting my goal. There was dan, that was so brief he's not even worth mentioning. My creepy roommate moved to BC and I got my new awesome Aussie housemate.

I dated some othere guys here and there before the new year but they were shitty dates. I obviously spent too much time obsessing over guys who really didn't matter, that I shouldn't have let into my life in the first place.

New Year, spent it alone. Feb started seeing Taylor. Who I spent a good amount of time with for two months. We became good friends. April I met Troy. I call him my fallen angel. He was one of the most beautiful men I've had in my life, next to Tim. Troy was trouble. Tim was just sweet. *sigh I dont even know, I'm delussional sometimes. I have a hard time letting people go.

I now longer worked for GL as of April
After Easter mon I took a sabbatical from sex. We're in the middle of Aug and I'm still going strong. Almost faultered once, recently. I spazzed and couldn't do it. It's not what I'm looking for and after all my obsessing I learned that I deserve better. Gotta hold out for the right one.

May I decided to try and go back to work FT . I deleted my online dating account in either May or June. It wasn't getting me anywhere but heart broken and I had been bitching about it for how many years?

We're in Aug and I dont have a job again. Trying not to panic and still trying to get my shit together. Insanity- doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

My Family-

Mom came to visit in July, had a great time. First time I saw her in two years and it went pretty well.

My sister got her first apartment with her boyfriend.

My Brother just got into pierce college. My nephew turned one.

My other two Brothers in NY one turned 14 and the other 18. My step mother who I dont talk to was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. I'm hoping she can fight it but it was a double mastectomy. I pray for the best for my brothers sake.

My Biological father turned 50 this year. I haven't seen him or my brother in 13yrs.

I'm gunna start making changes to my life.

Birthday

Had a great weekend. Niki Kirstyn and Chris my brother from another mother came.
Started my birthday right with a cooked breakfast and a margarita by the pool at 10:30am. Got my tan on. Was cross faded all weekend. Horseback riding and white water rafting Sun. My ass is chapped from that horse. Damn thing loved galloping down hill as fast as it could. I'd be an ass hole too if I had me on my back.

Invited Troy but no surprise he wasn't there. I only invited him cause Kirstyn said she had a dream I told her he was coming to my birthday. Would've loved to have him there. Haven't seen him in over 3 mo's. She's like u know ur never gunna see him again right? I sighed and said yah. I was surprised I even saw him a second time. Used Tims lighter to make a wish cause I didn't have a candle lol. My mom wants my flanle shirt but it's my shirt that reminds me of him. I dont wear it but its a memory. Same with my holy jeans too many memories to throw out.

Anyways the weekend was much deserved I needed to get away. As soon as I saw c.o.p on the way back I was gutted. Love being out of town doing outdoorsy things. Loved seeing all the wild life. I miss travelling. A lot. I'm gunna start saving for my xmas trip to my tropical destination of choice. It just felt so good to leave my problems behind. Of course as soon as I got to town they all smacked me in the face.

Taylor has been staying with me all week driving me mad. He's leaving td. Told him sun was his last night sleeping here. I was out of town all weekend. Creapy stalker ass hole prick from the bus stop harrassed me again. Fuck me, LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE PSYCHO!!!! At least I'm not that fucking nuts. Shit. I did forget all my meds at home this weekend. TM should be interesting.

Most of my bday when I was alone was spent reflecting on my "relationships" if u could call them that. I haven't seen anyone since Troy. It's just too painful to hurt myself with guys who just dissapear. I want someone who wants to get to know the awesome and wonderful me. I come of ass such a retard when they take off. It's a love hate thing. I love when they're with me I hate them because they arent. Everytime I see a hot girl in some skimpy outfit I get all jealous and pissed. Kinda have the urge to kick skanky girls ass's. It's funny cause my friends point at a hot girl and say skank. I laugh. They know me too well.

It was great chillin with my peeps. Rafting was awesome. It was sooo not sexy me being in a wet suit. 3 people fell off our raft. Including the guide who fell off twice. It was pretty funny. He was hot too. If I only had a chance. Meh he's only here working on his summer break any way. Not what I'm going for. I do like the guys who like the outdoors. We're planning a camping trip, possibly september long.

Anyway better get back to my grey goose lol. The weekend isn't over...

Happy Birthday To Me

Wooot Let the party begin in T-2 Days. We're tearing it up in Canmore thanks to mumzie for letting me use her vacation home.

Happy 24th B-day to Tim. Not like he'll read this but I told him I'd never bother him again so I'm making good on that. I have love hate feelings for him. He's like top of my list for most awesome guys but he's still a dick.

Man I had this missed call the other day... WHO THE FUCK IS RICHARD LANDRY??!?! Voicemail message was a cough. Fuck me for going to bed at 7.30 lol.

Works been good minus the skitzophranic psychopath who I met at the bus stop who wont leave me the fuck alone. Seriously I made staff at work aware and next is calling the cops. See this is what a real stalker is like. He knows when my lunch break is and when I get off work. FML I'm keeping my keys in my hands and thank fuck i took self defense.

Seriously tho Stampede was the shit!! My first one.. I dont know how many bottles of booze we snuck in but I had a great time. I was so drunk I was going to go on the drop of doom. I HATE HEIGHTS LOL! I was next to get on, they cut it off at me. Fuckin starts poring down and I dont get to go on. Thank you god. What was I thinking LOL. The guys I was chillin with fucked off to the bar I was soaked but found my friends, thankfully. We had so much fun. Then we went on the giant swing. Me n my girl were over the weight limit but she convinced me to go on everytime we went higher it clicked and she was like omg please dont go higher which of course freaked me out. So while I was up there "I prayed to a god that I dont believe in" and said I would go to church lol, so I have to make good. It's not that I dont believe in god I hope he's up there but fuck if I know. All I can do is live my life the best I can.

So I got this sick ass belt buckle check out the pics. The braided girl is my bestie Kirstyn. The pic of the three of us is me Tay and my other bestie Niki. The rosta Monkey. I talked this cute Carni into giving it to us. Skill baby lol. I'm actually working on my flirting skills haha I busted out a line to this dude at stampede. Tays like where the fuck is my lighter this dude was like I'll give u a lighter if u give me a smoke and I was like I'll give you a smoke if u give me ur number hahaha. I didn't even want it but yup I was drunk enough to pull a line lol.


So my bday weekend. Heading to canmore tm with my bestie. Some friends are showin up Sat night to come party for my actual bday. My girl is getting me a cake. I told her I want a penis one with chocolate frosting lmao. That would be epic haha. We're rafting and horseback riding sun at Rafters 6 Ranch. It'll be an awesome weekend. I'm taking it easy on the booze. She's bringing a lot. After my last binge in April I haven't had a hangover since.

I look cute td so I can flirt with the cutie on the bus. I only get to see him Thur and Fri but he totally makes my morning. :P

Enough

...of my self pity bullshit.

It's summer time! I just got my hair done and it looks sick. Black and blonde, oh yah. I have a friend who does hair. She's inexpensive and does a fantastic job.

It was such a beautiful day today. I need more outdoorsy friends. Mine don't do anything. I wanna go tubing and rafting and camping and sailing. I just wanna soak up the sun. Meet market I'm telling u. If theres still room on the sailing one by next pay day, I'm totally going. I don't care if I meet a guy. It's about doing something fun and new. Learn how to sail. I know it's not the sea but baby steps lol.

I LOVE SUMMER!!!

(pic is from my trip to Canmore last weekend)

Well then

So works been good. Gotta say binding books.. not as much fun as u think it would be. I'm getting everything down pretty fast. Something tells me some days are going to be pretty slow. I like being kept busy. Makes the day go faster. I use quickbooks and eazy care. Accounting software and child care software. I get to wear whatever to work including wife beaters and skate shoes. Oh yah... I've made friends all ready... don't laugh at me. So the chef at work gave me the Justin Bieber movie to watch. She said it was actually pretty good. He's a very talented kid. I'm actually interested in seeing how his career got started other then the u tube hits.

I wanna see Joaquin Phoenix's movie "I'm still here" looks interesting. I remember when everyone thought he lost the plot and was really trying to become a rapper.

So Fri was the usual... girls night at my place.. including Taylor lol. Man he's a good sport. My friends just take the piss. First Tamara and the Viagra comment. Then Niki referring to some chick he was talking to on the phone as a little hoochie.. So Niki refers to all the guys in my life as blank dudes ie. Picnic dude, douche canoe dude... the list goes on. This way she can keep track of everyone. Well Taylor is douche canoe dude and for some reason this is the first time he heard her say it tho she's said it b4. He's like "why am I douche canoe dude, is that how she thinks of me" Niki"No" Taylor "Why can't I be picnic dude it sounds so much better?" Kirstyn "Cause you didn't take her on a picnic" Taylor "What does that even mean any way?" Kirstyn "So much douche it fills a canoe." Then we all burst out laughing. Except maybe Taylor lol. It was fun tho we all kicked it drank smoked and piled in the car and went on a random drive. Well the driver wasn't drinking obviously.

So I woke up Saturday and there were random peanut piles all over my house including my bedroom.. where the fuck did these peanuts come from... the mystery is who done it.. they were my roommates... but no one did it not even my roommate... Did I randomly steal them from him and I just dont remember... We'll take that as a plausible option.. Tho that I'm sure I would have remembered...

So yesterday, what a freaking day... Clean the house. Arrange my date. I was actually talking to him b4 Taylor. Lost his phone number then found it and called him. He got a gf, fair enough. I checked up on him on fb to see how he was. Total cutie. Anyway, saw he was back on the market so we went out. He took me for lunch and a few beers. Came back to my place to hang out... Kirstyn came over while he was here. She called. Then Taylor shows up.. then Niki shows up..oh and then Mohamed, my step dads friend who was coming to town came over. LOL poor guy met all my close friends on the first date.. I was not expecting that. Of course I was like I'm soo sorry. My roommate was home. So it was a full house. Well at least he knows I have friends right haha. It was nice we spent probably about 6hrs hanging out and talking. He actually lived in England for 9mo's so we compared notes. Fortunately we're both on the same page when it comes to England haha. He's actually been to Torquay which is crazy. He mighta been there when I was there he said. Funny how life works. I could have seen him walking down the street. It's actually kinda nice knowing someone who's been to a place of my past. It feels like a lifetime ago.

I'm pretty sure we'll be seeing each other again. He commented on my fb status. First guy I've dated to ever do that. It was nice, made me smile. Who knows whats gunna happen. All I know is I dont wanna put pressure on it. I just wanna have fun and be happy. It was nice having a man actually take me on a date. He opens doors too :)

So Mohamed and I went for dinner. Took him to Moti Mohal in Midnapore. Best damn Indian food ever. It was actually a great environment. He paid which was even nicer. I hadn't seen him in at least 8yrs if not more. He's planning on moving here so I'm just helping him get sorted. Letting him know all the costs and what not. He has his pr here. We were gunna go to the hooka bar, but after the day I had I was wiped out. I get to this point where my body feels like a ton of bricks when I'm exhausted. Sitting up is an effort. I'm glad he understood.

Anyway.. at home waiting for my friends to head over again. Glad I'm busy busy these days. I was getting so bored.

I have to get back to the gym.. I've gained way more weight then I should have since xmas and I'm not happy with my lack of physical activity. Fuck i just need that motivation. Put the doughnut down lol. God damn pastries and booze. I'm bringing my own lunch to work now. I need a healthier option.

Rainy Thursday Morning

Why am I awake at 4.30am? I'm so tired. It's beautiful, the black sky, raindrops hitting the window and birds chirping, I can only imagine they're playing in the rain. I wish I could wake up to that all the time. It's more peaceful when it's dark out.

Yesterday I saw two of my doctors, got an unexpected injection into my neck. The last time I had one of these it was a steroid. I think this one was anesthetic it was injected into the muscle right below my ear. Actually didn't hurt that bad. It does now that the anesthetic's worn off hurts to turn my head side to side. The injections are used as a nerve blocker to reduce pain... Let's see if this one works.

Yesterday was an awesome day. I got unexpected money in my bank account and today I received my tax refund. After my doctors appointment I went and got mani/pedi's with my best friend Niki and then we grabbed some lunch. I think it has been at least 7 months since I've had Chinese food. It was sooo good. We got some wontons or what the Canadians tend to call pork dumplings. My nails look fantastic, classic french on the toes and black tips with a diamond on the hands. Soo me.

Today we're going to the mall, get me some new clothes. My other best friend Kirstyn gets a sweet discount at sport check cause she works for head office. New DC's baby, I've had my eye on a pair of mens ones cause the womens selection is gay. They're black with beautiful blue DC. I know you're thinking I dont care about your skate shoes. You know what, I do. I LOVE DC! I want to get a hat at west 49 but Kirstyn wont let me. Eff u Kirstyn I'll just go buy it without you. I'm not nearly as girly as she is. She just doesn't get my look. I have a leather jacket she wont let me wear and now I'm all self conscious about it when it's a bomb ass jacket. Whatever I'll be investing in an aviator one eventually.

I'm kinda gunna miss my medical team when I go back to work. I mean I know I'll see them again just every few months. Unless it doesn't work out of course. I'm trying to get prepared for it. Start getting my body into a routine so it's not a shock to the system. With chronic fatigue you have to do that. I meet a new doctor today who may be prescribing me some meds. Yay more meds... :( maybe it'll help who knows.

Oh so I smashed one hand in a van door this week, nice bruise... then the next day I burnt the other one. My mom's like "what's god trying to teach you... keep your hands to yourself probably." Of course I said I have been. It's true.

I had a good conversation with my roommate yesterday about relationships. He's kinda got a girlfriend now. It was funny I asked him if it was official he doesn't know he doesn't do the relationship stuff. I laughed. He's kinda going through the same predicament I usually go through but of course he's in the guys spot. It's nice hearing a guys thoughts on relationships.

I'm not really looking for anything anymore. It's summertime, I dont need to be tied down. I'll be out more, meeting new people. That should keep me entertained. I go online just to check my messages. You never know. I don't think that's really how I'm going to meet someone meaningful. I mean I know people have but not me... Niki's was saying the other day how it's brought me nothin but problems a divorce, douch bags, douche canoes and more douche bags. I laughed cause she's right. The douche canoe is Taylor hahaha.

It's weird how when a relationship ends that the blinders come off and you shrug and think what was I thinking this guys a prick and I put up with a lot of crap. To be honest I think the hottest guys I've had were Troy Tim and Shawn. All very different in personality and appearance. I'd say Troy has the bad boy look about him. Great fashion sense. More Urban than anything. I nicknamed him Trouble lol. Tim has the jock look about him. Pretty boy face with a rough edge. Shawn was a really hot nerd with a great fashion sense. First time I saw him he had holy jeans, flip flops, and this tight t on. His tattoo looked so hot.

My confidence has grown a lot with all of these experiences. With Troy I just walked over to him bent down and kissed him on the couch. I knew he was into me so I just made a move. I like this new quality. This confidence. I just have to remember that I am sexy and confident and most guys would sleep with me so just be chill. I am the cool confident chick... at least thats what I repeat over and over so I don't forget it. Sometimes it works lol. If I had to describe me I'd say a hot dork. Sometimes I come off as cool but more often then not I'm a total dork. It's ok, you know i've gotten a lot of these lately "Elli, how can anyone not like you." Most people love me, there are the few who dont. Personality conflicts, whatevs.

Did I tell u the people who bullied me in Highschool are on my facebook. How weird is that. They added me. Nice to know they grew up. I try not to keep hard feelings towards anyone. Though there are a few people who I'll never forgive for making my life hell. It's made me a stronger person though for sure. I don't take shit from people. I'm not afraid of a confrontation anymore. You're not as likely to get jumped here for speaking your mind as u would in Cali. Unless you're walking down the red mile wearing a canucks jersey. Hahaha.

Anyway life's been pretty good the last few weeks. Dealing with my friends cheating drama. Do you know how many people cheat on their boyfriends? I swear I'm the only one who's never cheated. I call these morals. I'm not judgemental but I have to be honest I don't really want to meet the dudes you're cheating on your boyfriend with unless you're dumping your boyfriend and getting with this dude. People just off load their relationship baggage on me. Apparently I give good advice. Just like me though they never listen.

I had a crazy night the other night. I ended up way in the NE at some dudes house who used to be a piercer at a shop. I've been kinda interested in getting a tongue ring and my hood pierced. My gf was going so she could get her nipples and hood pierced. I love her son sooo much. He's like my own kid. I watch him whenever she needs a break. Anyway I decided not to at this time but boy that was a long night.

I might be flying my mom out for Stampede. I havent seen her in two years and she's really wanted to go. So I figure whats a few hundred bucks if I get to see my mom and make her happy?

Alright, I better head back to bed. I'm way too tired.

Spring

Had a great weekend. Friday night I went out with the girls... well we stayed in for most of it, threw back a few drinks then went out for a bit to Melrose. We then stumbled back home where Taylor met us and we threw back a few more drinks..Everyone loves Tay. Apperently I nearly confessed my drunken love for Taylor.. I was like dude, I dont love you calm down. Haha. I dont even know what I said. I was so rediculously drunk.. my hangover the next day was awful. If one more person tells me I'm in love with Taylor I swear... I would know wouldn't I? I Tay made me some breakfast and then we spent the day together. Played video games, threw back some beers (once my headache and the puking was gone) we made some homemade mexican. Mmmm homemade enchiladas and taco salad. I of course passed out on the couch while he played his video games. I slipped up and said something about Troy and Tay wasn't too impressed that I slept with Troy and didn't tell him. I love Tay's company. He's like my best friend. God he made me laugh, he gave me a testemonial on pof. Men lol.

Anyway today I had a picnic date, he was a nice guy but not my type. For some reason I love the tall, dark and handsome douche bags with a six pac, pecs and some huge ass arms. MMmmm I love my douche bags. Anyway I feel bad cause said dude likes me and I had to tell him he's not my type. I hate letting people down like that. Rejection of any sort hurts but I told him I wouldn't mind being his friend. Don't get me wrong he's cute, just not my type.

Anyway, things should get interesting at work tm. I'll let u know what happens.