Well then

So works been good. Gotta say binding books.. not as much fun as u think it would be. I'm getting everything down pretty fast. Something tells me some days are going to be pretty slow. I like being kept busy. Makes the day go faster. I use quickbooks and eazy care. Accounting software and child care software. I get to wear whatever to work including wife beaters and skate shoes. Oh yah... I've made friends all ready... don't laugh at me. So the chef at work gave me the Justin Bieber movie to watch. She said it was actually pretty good. He's a very talented kid. I'm actually interested in seeing how his career got started other then the u tube hits.

I wanna see Joaquin Phoenix's movie "I'm still here" looks interesting. I remember when everyone thought he lost the plot and was really trying to become a rapper.

So Fri was the usual... girls night at my place.. including Taylor lol. Man he's a good sport. My friends just take the piss. First Tamara and the Viagra comment. Then Niki referring to some chick he was talking to on the phone as a little hoochie.. So Niki refers to all the guys in my life as blank dudes ie. Picnic dude, douche canoe dude... the list goes on. This way she can keep track of everyone. Well Taylor is douche canoe dude and for some reason this is the first time he heard her say it tho she's said it b4. He's like "why am I douche canoe dude, is that how she thinks of me" Niki"No" Taylor "Why can't I be picnic dude it sounds so much better?" Kirstyn "Cause you didn't take her on a picnic" Taylor "What does that even mean any way?" Kirstyn "So much douche it fills a canoe." Then we all burst out laughing. Except maybe Taylor lol. It was fun tho we all kicked it drank smoked and piled in the car and went on a random drive. Well the driver wasn't drinking obviously.

So I woke up Saturday and there were random peanut piles all over my house including my bedroom.. where the fuck did these peanuts come from... the mystery is who done it.. they were my roommates... but no one did it not even my roommate... Did I randomly steal them from him and I just dont remember... We'll take that as a plausible option.. Tho that I'm sure I would have remembered...

So yesterday, what a freaking day... Clean the house. Arrange my date. I was actually talking to him b4 Taylor. Lost his phone number then found it and called him. He got a gf, fair enough. I checked up on him on fb to see how he was. Total cutie. Anyway, saw he was back on the market so we went out. He took me for lunch and a few beers. Came back to my place to hang out... Kirstyn came over while he was here. She called. Then Taylor shows up.. then Niki shows up..oh and then Mohamed, my step dads friend who was coming to town came over. LOL poor guy met all my close friends on the first date.. I was not expecting that. Of course I was like I'm soo sorry. My roommate was home. So it was a full house. Well at least he knows I have friends right haha. It was nice we spent probably about 6hrs hanging out and talking. He actually lived in England for 9mo's so we compared notes. Fortunately we're both on the same page when it comes to England haha. He's actually been to Torquay which is crazy. He mighta been there when I was there he said. Funny how life works. I could have seen him walking down the street. It's actually kinda nice knowing someone who's been to a place of my past. It feels like a lifetime ago.

I'm pretty sure we'll be seeing each other again. He commented on my fb status. First guy I've dated to ever do that. It was nice, made me smile. Who knows whats gunna happen. All I know is I dont wanna put pressure on it. I just wanna have fun and be happy. It was nice having a man actually take me on a date. He opens doors too :)

So Mohamed and I went for dinner. Took him to Moti Mohal in Midnapore. Best damn Indian food ever. It was actually a great environment. He paid which was even nicer. I hadn't seen him in at least 8yrs if not more. He's planning on moving here so I'm just helping him get sorted. Letting him know all the costs and what not. He has his pr here. We were gunna go to the hooka bar, but after the day I had I was wiped out. I get to this point where my body feels like a ton of bricks when I'm exhausted. Sitting up is an effort. I'm glad he understood.

Anyway.. at home waiting for my friends to head over again. Glad I'm busy busy these days. I was getting so bored.

I have to get back to the gym.. I've gained way more weight then I should have since xmas and I'm not happy with my lack of physical activity. Fuck i just need that motivation. Put the doughnut down lol. God damn pastries and booze. I'm bringing my own lunch to work now. I need a healthier option.

Rainy Thursday Morning

Why am I awake at 4.30am? I'm so tired. It's beautiful, the black sky, raindrops hitting the window and birds chirping, I can only imagine they're playing in the rain. I wish I could wake up to that all the time. It's more peaceful when it's dark out.

Yesterday I saw two of my doctors, got an unexpected injection into my neck. The last time I had one of these it was a steroid. I think this one was anesthetic it was injected into the muscle right below my ear. Actually didn't hurt that bad. It does now that the anesthetic's worn off hurts to turn my head side to side. The injections are used as a nerve blocker to reduce pain... Let's see if this one works.

Yesterday was an awesome day. I got unexpected money in my bank account and today I received my tax refund. After my doctors appointment I went and got mani/pedi's with my best friend Niki and then we grabbed some lunch. I think it has been at least 7 months since I've had Chinese food. It was sooo good. We got some wontons or what the Canadians tend to call pork dumplings. My nails look fantastic, classic french on the toes and black tips with a diamond on the hands. Soo me.

Today we're going to the mall, get me some new clothes. My other best friend Kirstyn gets a sweet discount at sport check cause she works for head office. New DC's baby, I've had my eye on a pair of mens ones cause the womens selection is gay. They're black with beautiful blue DC. I know you're thinking I dont care about your skate shoes. You know what, I do. I LOVE DC! I want to get a hat at west 49 but Kirstyn wont let me. Eff u Kirstyn I'll just go buy it without you. I'm not nearly as girly as she is. She just doesn't get my look. I have a leather jacket she wont let me wear and now I'm all self conscious about it when it's a bomb ass jacket. Whatever I'll be investing in an aviator one eventually.

I'm kinda gunna miss my medical team when I go back to work. I mean I know I'll see them again just every few months. Unless it doesn't work out of course. I'm trying to get prepared for it. Start getting my body into a routine so it's not a shock to the system. With chronic fatigue you have to do that. I meet a new doctor today who may be prescribing me some meds. Yay more meds... :( maybe it'll help who knows.

Oh so I smashed one hand in a van door this week, nice bruise... then the next day I burnt the other one. My mom's like "what's god trying to teach you... keep your hands to yourself probably." Of course I said I have been. It's true.

I had a good conversation with my roommate yesterday about relationships. He's kinda got a girlfriend now. It was funny I asked him if it was official he doesn't know he doesn't do the relationship stuff. I laughed. He's kinda going through the same predicament I usually go through but of course he's in the guys spot. It's nice hearing a guys thoughts on relationships.

I'm not really looking for anything anymore. It's summertime, I dont need to be tied down. I'll be out more, meeting new people. That should keep me entertained. I go online just to check my messages. You never know. I don't think that's really how I'm going to meet someone meaningful. I mean I know people have but not me... Niki's was saying the other day how it's brought me nothin but problems a divorce, douch bags, douche canoes and more douche bags. I laughed cause she's right. The douche canoe is Taylor hahaha.

It's weird how when a relationship ends that the blinders come off and you shrug and think what was I thinking this guys a prick and I put up with a lot of crap. To be honest I think the hottest guys I've had were Troy Tim and Shawn. All very different in personality and appearance. I'd say Troy has the bad boy look about him. Great fashion sense. More Urban than anything. I nicknamed him Trouble lol. Tim has the jock look about him. Pretty boy face with a rough edge. Shawn was a really hot nerd with a great fashion sense. First time I saw him he had holy jeans, flip flops, and this tight t on. His tattoo looked so hot.

My confidence has grown a lot with all of these experiences. With Troy I just walked over to him bent down and kissed him on the couch. I knew he was into me so I just made a move. I like this new quality. This confidence. I just have to remember that I am sexy and confident and most guys would sleep with me so just be chill. I am the cool confident chick... at least thats what I repeat over and over so I don't forget it. Sometimes it works lol. If I had to describe me I'd say a hot dork. Sometimes I come off as cool but more often then not I'm a total dork. It's ok, you know i've gotten a lot of these lately "Elli, how can anyone not like you." Most people love me, there are the few who dont. Personality conflicts, whatevs.

Did I tell u the people who bullied me in Highschool are on my facebook. How weird is that. They added me. Nice to know they grew up. I try not to keep hard feelings towards anyone. Though there are a few people who I'll never forgive for making my life hell. It's made me a stronger person though for sure. I don't take shit from people. I'm not afraid of a confrontation anymore. You're not as likely to get jumped here for speaking your mind as u would in Cali. Unless you're walking down the red mile wearing a canucks jersey. Hahaha.

Anyway life's been pretty good the last few weeks. Dealing with my friends cheating drama. Do you know how many people cheat on their boyfriends? I swear I'm the only one who's never cheated. I call these morals. I'm not judgemental but I have to be honest I don't really want to meet the dudes you're cheating on your boyfriend with unless you're dumping your boyfriend and getting with this dude. People just off load their relationship baggage on me. Apparently I give good advice. Just like me though they never listen.

I had a crazy night the other night. I ended up way in the NE at some dudes house who used to be a piercer at a shop. I've been kinda interested in getting a tongue ring and my hood pierced. My gf was going so she could get her nipples and hood pierced. I love her son sooo much. He's like my own kid. I watch him whenever she needs a break. Anyway I decided not to at this time but boy that was a long night.

I might be flying my mom out for Stampede. I havent seen her in two years and she's really wanted to go. So I figure whats a few hundred bucks if I get to see my mom and make her happy?

Alright, I better head back to bed. I'm way too tired.

Spring

Had a great weekend. Friday night I went out with the girls... well we stayed in for most of it, threw back a few drinks then went out for a bit to Melrose. We then stumbled back home where Taylor met us and we threw back a few more drinks..Everyone loves Tay. Apperently I nearly confessed my drunken love for Taylor.. I was like dude, I dont love you calm down. Haha. I dont even know what I said. I was so rediculously drunk.. my hangover the next day was awful. If one more person tells me I'm in love with Taylor I swear... I would know wouldn't I? I Tay made me some breakfast and then we spent the day together. Played video games, threw back some beers (once my headache and the puking was gone) we made some homemade mexican. Mmmm homemade enchiladas and taco salad. I of course passed out on the couch while he played his video games. I slipped up and said something about Troy and Tay wasn't too impressed that I slept with Troy and didn't tell him. I love Tay's company. He's like my best friend. God he made me laugh, he gave me a testemonial on pof. Men lol.

Anyway today I had a picnic date, he was a nice guy but not my type. For some reason I love the tall, dark and handsome douche bags with a six pac, pecs and some huge ass arms. MMmmm I love my douche bags. Anyway I feel bad cause said dude likes me and I had to tell him he's not my type. I hate letting people down like that. Rejection of any sort hurts but I told him I wouldn't mind being his friend. Don't get me wrong he's cute, just not my type.

Anyway, things should get interesting at work tm. I'll let u know what happens.

-85lbs BABY!!!

I have officially lost 85lbs, all of my marriage baggage is gone just in time for the new year. I officially weigh less then I did when I met my ex in 2004. 15lbs to go!!! HELL FUCKING YEAH!

Dear ex husband, cause I know you're going to read this u creeper lol. Thank you for setting me free. It's the best gift you ever gave me.

In regards to it being the holidays. Doesn't mean much to me, I haven't had a real xmas with my family since 2002.

Big shout out to my sister her bday was yesterday. HAPPY 21 BDAY BABY SIS!!! WISH I COULDA BEEN THERE!! She can now go to the clubs when my friends and I go out. She doesn't really drink tho cause she's epileptic.

Clean Slate for the new year. Every pound I loose this next year is a new number I've never seen b4. I'm leaving the men I've had in my life this year behind. Goodbye Jamie, Brad, Shawn and Tim. Brad and Tim you guys meant a lot. Unfortunatly due to this mistreatment I've had; this good girls gone bad, and I kinda like it. "Once a good girl's gone bad, she's gone forever." Brad and Tim. I'll miss you guys. You'll probably hear from me on you're bdays but that'll be it. Tim, what I wouldn't give for another go ;P can u wear ur toolbelt and hard hat? haha. Anyways peace out guys xoxoxo good luck with everything.

My sister is seeing someone. I'm happy for her. She was so bummed out when I saw her last. Her bestie was moving, she had no man, no job, no school. Just her art. Well she's in school, made new friends, she met a guy in school. He took her out for dinner and a movie for her 21 bday. I'm really happy for her. She's not like me. She doesn't sleep with guys when she likes them. So she'll probably have a more successfull relationship then I manage to have..

My bestie told me I should just look for a guy on pof on intimate encounters. I just can't bring myself to do that. I changed my profile for women back to one for men tho to be honest. I don't have much interest at the moment and I have no sex drive so there u go.

I was so bummed the other day. My friend gave me a present then I saw my bestie and she gave me the best card ever. There were two old ladies on the front cover bantering "do you remember this" "no do u remember this" "No, do u remember..." Then on the inside it had a bunch of dumb quotes we used to make up for facebook when were hanging out and dumb things we did. Heres a few ...

"Walking the yellow brick line" this did happen

Me: "I fell of the ET ride" what really happened
her: "she tripped out and fell off the bench and rolled down the hill" this didn't actually happen. Well I did trip out but I didn't fall off the bench.

"Bush fucking bush, tree" Instructions to our top secret hangout spot

Her: "Elli why did u throw the muffin out the window"
Me: "The muffin was invading my space, it needed to exit the vehicle"

Fuck wish I could remember the rest but of course she told me the whole time she was writing it out she was laughing and everyone asked what she was doing. "Writing a card to my bestie." I read the card and nearly pissed myself. You wanna know what I'm really like? Let's go on an adventure and light one, good times are bound to follow.

Unfortunatly my memory failed me and I left not only my present but my card at the train station. I coulda cried. I was so upset about my stupid fucking memory. I'm hoping lost and found has it even if it's just the card. I don't care. Probably not but lets have faith it's xmas. Both friends know what happened.

Oh my new roommie is so cute. I woke up and he had filled the spice wrack. Then he fixed our ghetto ass shower. It had a hanger holding up the head. You can tell he's a type a personality. Haha we'll see how well that goes. I met his Aussie friend Laura yesterday. She's a cutie.

Xmas plans xmas eve going to Jill and Brandons and doing dinner and secret santa. Xmas day haven't decided but probably get a small bottle get trashed stumble downstairs have xmas dinner then stumble back up stairs back to my little hole and watch movies all day. Anyway time to get crackin. Happy Holidays to my homies.

Tuesday

Quick update ... these are some pics i took of me the night of the party. Better ones are to follow. had my physio apt yesterday, almost puked on her table. Nausea awful. Back fucking ridiculous. Saw the social worker. They don't want me taking public transit, I'm too sick for that. They have alternative means that u don't need to know about. They may want me to leave my job in the new year. They think I'm doing too much and aish may not approve me cause I'm working the 15 hrs. So if that's the case bye job. They know I only work just to get by and honestly I'm having a hard time keeping on top of things. My boss pissed me off today, trying to tell me I'm not disabled. REALLY THATS THE ONLY EFFING REASON I WORK 3 HRS A DAY!!! WHAT DO U THINK I'M LAZY?! DO I GIVE OFF THAT IMPRESSION?! I was pissed, and no i don't give off that impression, I work my ass off and she knows it. Which is why i didn't get in trouble for bitching her out last week. She had nothing to say about it. She tried to rub my back later and I asked her not to touch me. I was in serious pain so the lightest touch hurt.

Anyway I had a random day. After work I met up for coffee with my adopted mom from England. She's ex British police and her husband is a cop. So I go to sit down and oh guess who I see? 2 other on duty cops that I know with another one of their cop friends. So had a lovely hr and a half coffee with 2 of my cop buddies a new cop I didn't know, my adopted mom and another one of cop wives friends. It's weird, that life feels like another lifetime ago. I don't really talk to the rest of them on a regular basis. My life is so different then it used to be, I'm not a homemaker anymore, and who really wants to hear about my medical treatment. I don't go into detail with a lot of people.

ok gotta go. Makin lasagna and I feel blah.

Too close to home

You wanna know what my life is like? Go see the movie Love and other drugs. It depicts how my relationships work based off my health. I cried.

Here's what my life is like ... I work 15hrs a week to bring in around $700 that covers rent, bus pass (barely) and the little bit of food I can afford. I can't afford my medication. That's how broke I am. I'm trying to get help with that. When my family asks how I am it's hard to tell them with a smile on my face that I'm getting by. I try and stay positive so they don't worry. I called my mom balling in November. I think it scared her a little bit. I don't really cry these days. Last winter my family was really there for me. I was battling with depression because of the new illness and it was my first holiday season alone, divorced and without my family. I went from my 2g a month salary to this. It's a little hard to handle.

I like to think I'll get better. The reality is there is no cure to fybromyalgia and the face pain is spreading to the other side of my head. Right now I just spend my time trying to live. I made a decision that even though my life may be limited I still want to live it to the best of my abilities. My memory is getting worse. I have to document everything and keep everything in the same spot otherwise I'll loose things. I get very upset and frustrated when I lose things. My friends are constantly here for my bouts of depression. The days where I cant get out of bed they come over to just talk to me and lay with me. They've admitted it's hard to see me in that much pain.

Some days I can't even hold my hair brush. I have to keep my hair up in a bun cause I can't brush it. You know why I burnt my stomach the other day? Because my wrist gave out on me. My hand shook and I spilt water all down the front of me. I almost cried. Not from the pain, I was ashamed that I couldn't hold my goddamn cup of water. After the movie I told Brenda one of the reasons my ex gave me for not wanting to be together.. He didn't want a wife who was sick. The reason he wanted to see me the other weekend is because he wanted to say sorry for not being there for me when I was in the hospital. He didn't want a wife who was sick, so he didn't come to the hospital with me. The first time he came to visit me. I had to go back again and again and he didn't come. I could go into more detail about our fucked up relationship but I wont. I appreciated the apology from him and his girlfriend.

If I don't scare a guy with the idea of having someone to cuddle and spend the night with.. I scare them off with being sick. Can you imagine what it's like for me to have to tell someone I'm seeing that I'm sick? I decided that I'm not going to let anyone stick around long enough to hurt me. If I sleep with someone I'll kick them out after, or get dressed and leave. There wont be any falling in love for this chick. I am not getting my heart broken when I tell them I'm sick. I'm not investing in that much emotion. This isn't an easy decision to make, it actually makes me want to cry. If I find someone worth keeping around well then they'll just have to figure out how to break through my barrier. This is pretty much what that movie is about with some crazy humor. I wouldn't mind having Anne Hathaway's sex life in that movie tho. That's what I'm talking about.

Sometimes I feel like I'm going to be alone forever.

I am glad I got the chance to tell Brad over the phone everything. I'm very grateful that he called. That was very mature of him. Took him long enough lol.

Thank god for the scene card I forgot I had. Free movies, YAY! I'm seriously going to buy it when It comes out. It does help that I'm not the only one going through this. I go through a lot of the emotions she goes through in this movie.

My posts will not be as frequent as of this week. I wont have a comp or internet at home anymore. Laptop broken (on roommates who's moving) and Internet can't afford. I'm really hoping my new roommate has a video game console random I know but I could do with some mindless entertainment.

I think Sun is going to be a day of sleep. Sounds good to me.

Inspiring Others

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